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Why Should I Care? | Guest Post by Defrauded Daughters

*Note: I read this article recently and was very moved. I think that other quivering daughters and those who love them will be able to relate in many ways; if so, please leave your thoughts.

Communism fell.

Everyone knows (at least here in America, the political brainwashing of the Cold War Era has told us that) that Communism doesn't work. There are various economic and political reasons . . . but the most pressing one is individuality.

I keep remembering (for some reason, I am not sure of yet) a conversation I had with a soldier who was back in the US last fall. He had been stationed over various parts of Europe. We talked about Americanism, about culture differences, and about how the multi-cultural experiances had shaped or changed him.
(Note: He was not a very "good" person, and I met him at a fun party that some homeschooling friends and their family were having. He tried to flirt with me, and stuck very close in the pool (yeah...that was interesting), but when I was more interested in talking he got the picture and seemed to enjoy the a-typical person I was. (He hummed the "Jaws" theme song along with trying to "shark-bite" his hands in the water. I have not seen Jaws, so it turned out rather amusing).
Anyway, when he expressed delight in explaining to me his many tattoos (oh, yeah....did I mention that? Lets just say my dad wasn't there to protect me), I asked him why he had so many and he replied: "It's our individuality". Even though (in uniform) none of them can be seen, he said that all of his buddies had them.
The military is a prime example of communism in the leveling that it tries to accomplish out of a mass of people. (Note: I am not attacking the military as an institution, or trying to say that they are Communist, just an example)

In my experience with Patriarchy, one of the biggest internally fatal problems is it's refusal to allow for individualism. One example is the "community ownership" ~ or worse "Patriarch ownership".

In our house everything (with a few exceptions of some things bought with personal money) is my Father's. Even some of the things bought with our own money are, for a variety of reasons, also his. They were brought into HIS house. The other children would like to play with it also. We should share, etc, etc,etc.

If you want to HAVE something, you must hide it.

And we become expert hiders. Hide the urge to laugh at a "serious" time. Hide sinful emotions. Hide thoughts. Hide my diary. Hide my tears. Hide my heart.
If he doesn't know, he can't punish it...or worse...give you a talking to about it.

In a communistic family, children learn (some slower than others) that anything that matters to them cannot be seen outside of their uniform. However, inside they hide anything and everything that makes them who they are.

Slowly, the outward conformity tells the partent that they have a "good" child. The parents then think that what they see is all there is. They make no efforts to "get to know" the child that is (to them) perfectly accepting and (swallowing) all their teachings. If you thought them everything they know, you would know them better than they know themselves (something my mother tells me all too often).

Thus the bomb shell when this (perfect) child suddenly rebels, or does something completely sinful, or suddenly leaves home.

Driven into ourselves, we stew in our pain and our guilt. Often unable to discern the truth from the guilt motivation and the Biblical language, we either have to throw it all out or accept it and further condemn ourselves.

Emotional Detatchment.

Why should I care about something that is not mine? That cannot ever be mine? Why bother?
Why does it matter?
Why does anything matter?
Why do I matter?

~ written by Daughter of a Heavenly Father


  1. um. I totally could have written that. That's what it's like, we hide...hide ourselves, because our true selves are unacceptable. I've been out a year and I'm still scared a little. Whenever I begin to express myself, I'm afraid (because it *has* happened) that I'll be reprimanded for not being the front I was when I was at home..and I'm ungodly and stuff...and living in a fantasy world. Really though, I'm just showing my tattoos.

    And the reason we should care is because, at the end of the day, it's us. We matter because we're people, individual and created.

  2. Thanks for writing this. It is incredibly hard, while still in that situation, and for a while after, trying to figure out our very identity. Rest assured that you won't find it from your parents.

    You will find it from God. He created you. And delights in you. And thinks, actual sin aside, that you're pretty neat. You're his child after all.

    That's why all this matters.

  3. I too could have written this. It seems that hiding is better than having to hear about how wrong it is and it just hurts too much to have to hear how wrong it is over and over. besides they don't really want to know the "real me". they are completely happy to live with the illusion of me.
    thank you for this. much to ponder...
    a "still in" quivering daughter

  4. Wonderfully well written post! Loved the analogy, everything about it!

    I love that the Lord used so many taboo things (talking to guy, in a pool, who had TATOOS!) to teach the author a powerful lesson about the importance of individuality to we human people.

    My husband, a child of fundamentalist missionaries, has spent all of his life hiding. At times is is extremely frustrating to me as his wife. I want his true self to come out and play and explore the world with me! LOL

    This post makes painfully clear why that is so hard for him.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, all you brave daughters answering the call of God to leave your father's house and go to a new place that the Lord will show you as you travel along. Truly you are the daughters of Abraham. :)

  5. Yes, it is so easy to hide. To hide the hurt, to hide the insecurity, to hide the inadequacies - just get the job done. I can identify, even though my parents did appreciate many things about the real me.

    I think identity is something almost everyone struggles with at some time or other. The enemy wants to wound everyone there. But God wants us to shine. As I was trying to tell someone recently, the battle is not between us and God or between us and the enemy. The battle is between God and the enemy, with our hearts being the treasure being fought over.

  6. What a powerfully written piece. I am so glad that you shared it. There are so many ways and reasons to hide. It is time we work on decreasing the reasons for hiding. Gosh...I so relate...albeit it for reasons a bit different than you mention here.

  7. One Survivor ~ I look forward to following your journey. Life is like a chrysalis ~ a growing, a being, an unfolding, a becoming. {{Hugs to you}}

    Daughter of a Heavenly Father ~ thank you for guest posting. I know that we all can relate to this and that it is still very raw for many. You and all of "my girls" are in my prayers that the Lord will bring such healing and break the chains of darkness, guilt, fear, shame through His hope, freedom, and light. {{hugs doahf}}

  8. This post hit so many points that I have never been able to adequately express for myself.

    I just realized that in the majority of my adult relationships - female friendships and romantic ones - I have reverted to the same type of "hiding" behavior because it feels so safe.

    I just want to be healed and whole and normal. I still can't believe that as an adult these things follow me everywhere and I can't seem to be free of them.

    Thanks for this post.

  9. Emily ~ these roots are insidious, are they not? Many times throughout our lives we've covered up or attempted to address "symptoms" without really getting to the core. This is one reason why Ps. 51:6 is one of my favorite verses:

    Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

    May the Lord guide you and fill you with wisdom.

  10. When going into the military, most, if not all recruits know they will be broken down to "recruits" and will no longer be "persons." They are a piece of the whole. They understand that they will be reshaped in order to fulfill the need that is placed on them.

    The image (mask) driven family/group forcibly hides the person for an image (person with a mask). There is no knowledge of what is being done to the child themselves usually because of how young they are brought into it.

    There is a rather large difference in the analogy, willingly versus unknowingly "[re]shaped."


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