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Question of Faith

D on't forget to join us for tomorrow's feature with Eric Pazdziora, and on Friday for the first step in our Journey to Grace. I sincerely hope you will be blessed. Again, I invite you to link to your own compositions as we will dig deeply into God's grace, seeking Him in the quiet reflections and overwhelming occurrences of daily life, in Scripture, and through His Spirit.
     Question for you: if you are an adult "quivering daughter", what do you find is the most difficult stumbling block in your walk of faith, and why?
  • The Bible?
  • Depression?
  • Shame?
  • Fear?
  • Hypocrisy?
  • Other?
Please feel free to comment anonymously if you prefer.

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 
(Psalm 139:8)

9 comments:

  1. Oh, Hilary!

    If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
    If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
    (Ps 139:8)

    This right there is the wrong-mindedness that is still taking me the longest to transform. Because I learned that God is first a foremost a Judge (who may love us but cannot accept us because he has previously judged us to be unacceptable), the idea that God is everywhere, that nothing--not even the hidden-most thoughts of my heart--is outside of God's purvue was terrifying. While I no longer believe in a judgmental god, I still have knee-jerk anxiety at the experience or even the thought of potentially experiencing being judged by others. Being judged and found lacking is absolutely devastating to me--even when the judge is someone who ability to judge is lacking, even when the judge is some mythical "they" that I imagine in my head, even and especially when the judge is my teenage daughter who reminds me so much of my own harshly critical, exceedingly intelligent, moralistic teenaged self.

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  2. And I can't read the bible for myself--I can't physically pick up a bible without getting sick to my stomach. That same burning pain I get when I think I am being judged (see above comment) so... hmmm... probably a connection there.

    I can, however, listen to the bible read on the Pray-as-you-go podcasts by the Jesuit Society and I can read selections on Bible Gateway.com when I need to reference something I'm writing. Apparently it isn't the words themselves that trigger me, although I don't read the block quotes when Christian writers include bible passages in their books or blogs.

    But not nearly as life-inhibiting as the fear of judgement.

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  3. My parents expected so much perfection from me, I have a difficult time doing anything, feeling defeated before I even start anything. Why should I bother? I can't win for losing before I even try. But I can't shake that feeling, even though I know that I don't have to accept perfection since it is really my parents shame that they dumped on me because they didn't know any better.

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  4. Guilt. Even when my parents are 100% wrong I'm conditioned to feel guilty for confronting them. And if I have done something "wrong" then I am far from God, right? No? My head gets the truth, my emotions not so much.

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  5. {{{Sandra}}} I can't imagine how hard that must be! From an objective perspective, it's interesting that that particular verse has that effect for you; to me it brings me infinite comfort, that I'm never "too far gone" for God. A dear friend shared that her mother used to say, "You made your bed, now lie in it" and that this verse helped her understand that none of her failures or lack of measuring up were out of God's care. I'm so sorry for your struggle. Thank you for being honest about where you are.

    {{both anonymouses}} Thank you and :'(

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  6. Not sure if I quite qualify as an adult yet, but the biggest thing I struggle with coming out of a patriocentric mindset is depression and emotions. I seem unable to read patriocentric writings without 'believing' them again. Just this weekend, hard on the heels of a week of freedom in Christ, I found differing interpretations of various verses in the Bible, and was back in the grip of the worst depression and self-hatred I've felt in a long while. For the first time I actually felt that, in the words of many women, 'the Bible was the bat used to beat me with'.

    I was actually quoted this weekend as saying that it would be easier on me, on all of us, if I were to just 'give in' to the patriocentric side. I would never have to worry about being in rebellion again...[at least that was what I told myself at the time].

    In a way I 'faced my demons', by going back and reading patriocentric writings. And my demons were stronger than me, and stronger than my faith. For that I am afraid, because I know they will return, in a day or a month.

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  7. Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of trying. Fear of stepping out of comfort zones. Fear of rejection. Fear of being wrong. Fear of new things. Fear of the unknown.

    It is getting better though, as I push through and see the good that can happen on the other side of those fears. Little by little. :-)

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  8. Ps 139:8

    Once I exorcised the judging god from my psyche (it is really only the PTSD reactions left, not the original belief), I was able to find a new paradigm for understanding the Divine and I actually do find this verse comforting now--that no matter how I *feel* at any given moment (ie, when I feel Bethany's self-loathing or Sharon's fear), the Divine Love is always there to love, support, accept. It was truly an experience of grace that transformed that verse for me.

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  9. Depression - stemming from attempting to find my value in my performance. That is a very very tough habit to break.

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