Exploring Bounded Choice

Within an emotionally and psychologically abusive group, the concept of choice is a delicate matter.  Statements such as "You aren't held by chains; you can do what you want", which are then followed by dire repercussions if an unpopular or wrong choice is made, demonstrate the confusion inherent in such environments.

In his article "Bounded Choice: The Illusion of Flexibility in a Controlled World", Dan Krimm states,

Bounded Choice: The Big Finesse
Henry Ford was said to have stated that his new Model T, the first assembly-line automobile,
was available "in any color, as long as it's black." The economic incentive to constrain
choice in a mass-produced world is very strong. However, there is also a strong political
incentive to constrain choice, as it allows citizens' behavior to be controlled more easily,
reducing threats to power over society. In the present day, these two incentives increasingly
are working together even while many of those in power do everything they can to obscure
that fact.
The "Big Finesse" is to induce people into thinking they are exercising pure free will and
personal choice while at the same time constraining their options with regard to anything
important to the exercise of real power. It's easier to control people if they are not aware
that they are being controlled, because they will not even think to resist the control.

Bounded Choice is more commonly known as the (negative) Double Bind. Here is an example from Wikipedia:

The classic example given of a negative double bind is of a mother telling her child that she loves him, while at the same time turning her head away in disgust. (The words are socially acceptable; the body language is in conflict with it). The child doesn't know how to respond to the conflict between the words and the body language and, because she is dependent on his [sic] mother for his or her basic needs, is in a quandary. Small children have difficulty articulating contradictions verbally and can neither ignore them nor leave the relationship.

Implanted Seeds

Bounded Choice affects both spiritual and practical aspects of life. When subtle messages determine the thoughts or behavior of a tender young heart, serious questions can arise regarding the exact nature of God and how He relates to His children. The level of disorientation promoted by this form of communication is devastating. And since God is not the author of confusion, many automatically assume the responsibility for error, adding further detriment to the situation.

Those raised with the double bind as a method of control learn that recovery can be especially daunting. Leaving an authoritarian climate only to realize the challenges of making simple, daily decisions is not unlike a form of culture shock.

Illusion of Freedom

Setting aside the controversial nature of adult autonomy within extremely conservative families, let's regard freedom as a neutral issue for the moment. Many authoritarian parents and leaders insist that adult offspring or followers are free to make their own choices. A case may be presented and wishes understood, but when the verbal statement communicates: "It's up to you," anything less than that is dishonest. Here I referred to "baited choice", which is similar to the deceptive practice of retailers who lure customers only for them to discover that all is not as is portrayed. If an adult is given the option to make a decision only to suffer manipulative ramifications as a result, they truly do not have "free" choice.

Consequences 

To be clear, what I refer to is not the natural consequence of an unwise action. Mistakes will occur as we learn life. I wholeheartedly advocate seeking the input of godly, wise parents, friends, pastors, and Scripture, while most importantly, seeking the will of God and direction of the Holy Spirit. These things do not insulate against every mistake, but mistakes are essential to learning. God can use them effectively in our lives and does not condemn us for them. This certainly isn't an appeal to apathy or willful sin, but a reminder that He is sovereign and faithful and His love is not dependent upon our performance or how high we measure up.

I do allude to an environment which responds sinfully to undesirable actions. Here are a few examples of real-life situations that many of my Quivering Daughter-Sisters have faced . . .

• manipulation: withholding love or affection, silent treatment, shunning—even up to complete excommunication; appealing to others—worried about what others might think
  
• labeling: foolish, stupid, ungodly, rebellious, unsaved, not walking with the Lord (remember: only the Lord truly sees the heart!)
  
• passive-aggression: shaming through prayers or "sharing"; patronizing, disrespectful, or condescending treatment
• overt aggression: raging; hot seats; intense, exhaustive criticism sessions, either privately or with others present

True, natural consequences to a mistake or choice are not manipulative. But it is not a natural consequence to deliberately retribute another person for having a differing belief or making a choice which does not reflect one's personal conviction. An argument may be made that "Carol is free to make up her own mind, but she knew what would happen if she decided to wear pants", for example, "and therefore she chose to be left out of our family photo". This is not free choice, it is bounded choice: controlling or ensuring the outcome of a situation using emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually manipulative tactics. If this occurs throughout a lifetime of subtle training, then it truly is the Big Finesse as Krimm so aptly describes:

[inducing] people into thinking they are exercising pure free will and
personal choice while at the same time constraining their options with regard to anything
important to the exercise of real power. It's easier to control people if they are not aware
that they are being controlled, because they will not even think to resist the control.

Many in favor of the double bind argue that it is out of concern for another's well-being—spiritual or physical—and a form of "tough love" which prompts their behavior. "If I didn't say anything, that means I didn't care", "Would I let them walk off a cliff without speaking up?" "I am just helping them to think" and "They need to learn wisdom" are all types of statements generated by those who genuinely do feel responsibility / love / alarm / anxiety towards those important to them.

But when everything is stripped away, most often a root of fear lies at the base of these and similar defenses. It is here that one has the opportunity to seek the face of God to help strengthen one's faith, because fear seeks control—knowing the outcome, ensuring predictability; whereas faith hands control back to God and says, "I'm willing not to know, but to rest knowing You."

The Curse of Eve . . . When Free Will Isn't Free

When I first got married, one of the things that called for great patience on behalf of my husband was my indecisiveness. Seemingly innocuous things—"Where do you want to go for dinner?"—rendered me completely incapacitated for voicing any sort of opinion.

"It doesn't matter; wherever you want," I would reply. I did have preferences, yes, but I had learned to always set them aside for the desires of another.

My poor husband would smile through clenched teeth and answer, "Just tell me what you want."

Why was that so hard?

The following reasons all contributed to this, for me.

• Low self-esteem and sense of worthlessness. Your opinions, wants and desires do not matter.
• Learned false humility. Be like Jesus! Consider all others as better and more important than yourself.
• Learned false-generosity/over-spiritualizing. Be giving. Let others choose what they want to do. It's okay to be last/least/sacrificial.
• Reinforcement of past poor choices or decisions. You make foolish choices. You need to think! You are not being smart!
• A learned sense that at the core, I truly do NOT have a choice in the matter.
  

I have written to some extent regarding self-esteem and low self-worth. I plan to explore humility and over-spiritualizing in a future posting; today I wish to discuss the last bullet point which is the learned sense that when all is stripped away, we often find that we truly do not have free choice, or that it includes such devastating consequences it is obvious that free choice is not the intention of those in authoritarian control.

Bait and Switch

"You are not held here against your will," Annie's parents said, shaking their heads with a scoff. "You know you are free to leave whenever you want."

Annie hung her head, the tip of a worn shoe peeking out from her long blue dress. She tried to think of words, but all of the emotion inside her heart could not find coherent sound. A hot tear snuck down her cheek. How could she explain what she felt?

"Why are you crying?" The impatient voice of her father pierced her consciousness. "If it's what you want to do, we won't stop you."

Annie's lip trembled. "But if I do, you will hate me." A life of pain lurked under those eight simple words. How could she verbalize all that God had shown her? All that she was learning?

"Annie, we won't hate you!" Her father was growing incensed while he spat the words. "We may think it's a bad idea, but that is between you and God now, as far as your mother and I are concerned. We just think you are making a serious mistake! You know we love you!"

Annie sighed, knowing full well what that meant . . . a loaded statement, for the Bible said to love one's enemies. Her wide-eyed brothers and sisters peeked through the doorway, silent and absorbing. She studied their scared little faces, her own heart aching.

"You have always been the one who hated the family," her mother accused softly. "What about your witness? I hope that the kids don't pick up your attitudes."

That was it. "That's not true!" Annie cried out, bursting forth into tears. Beneath the unflinchingly hard gaze of her father, her soul shriveled.

Help me God, she wept. She knew that ever since her older sister had begun to question some of the doctrine her family believed, that their parents had all but cut her off from a relationship. About once a month, highly-supervised visits were tolerated. When her sister would leave at the end, the entire family was subject to a thorough sermon on the culture, worldliness, rebellion, and feminism that was rampant in the church. The night would end with hearty prayers that the wayward one would recognize the error of her ways, repent, and come home.

How could Annie explain that she felt as though she were dying for want of knowing Jesus more deeply? That hours upon her knees and in Scripture had raised doubts about the way they were living? How could she express how weary she was, even at the young age of 23? Yet anytime she tried to bring it up, her parents ranted that she was being deceived, and that if she weren't careful she would be responsible for leading her brothers and sisters astray since they looked up to her so much.

"We will pray you make the right decision," her mother interjected once more, sadness in her voice. She sighed deeply, mournfully; the sound burned Annie's ears.

Her father did not waver from his glare. Solemn tension could be tasted in the room. Even the toddler looked serious as he gripped his pillow on the floor. Annie's tears flowed.

"I have to follow God," she whispered, arms clasped tightly as a wave of coldness swept across her being.

Her father leaped to his feet, unleashed. "You have a rebellious heart!" he thundered, pacing towards her with fire. "The Bible says that God will give them over to delusion, to believe the lie!" He was unstoppable. "Just as Eve was deceived, so you are deceived! You just want the comforts and conveniences of the world!"

Annie glanced at her mother through her tears; a rapt expression was on the face of the one who bore her . . . admiration at this tower of strength who proclaimed his convictions with fervor.

Her father continued, ". . . So leave, if you want! Don't care about your brothers and sisters, or your poor mother, or what anyone else thinks! If you feel you need to do this, you go right ahead! I pray that God has mercy on you and that you will repent before it is too late!"

Is conditional choice free choice?

In the example of Annie, we see that her parents had allowed her to make her own decision regarding whether to move out, or not. And yet, let us examine the threats and subtle messages she received if she were to go ahead and do so:

• she needs to repent
• she is in error
• she is selfish
• she is hurting her family
• she is deceived
• she is rebellious
• she is under delusion, believing a lie
• she is worldly, and seeking worldliness
• she is a disappointment
• she brings sorrow
• she is leading others astray
• she is not hearing God

It is said that when one makes a choice, they are also choosing the consequences of what accompanies the decision. Likewise, when someone makes a choice, two are actually achieved: the person also actively chooses not to have the alternative. For instance, when a husband chooses who he wishes to marry, he is simultaneously choosing not to marry anyone else.

What I call: Baited Choice

The example I gave of Annie's struggle demonstrates just one of the hundreds of instances that arise within the lives of women within authoritarian, patriocentric families. She is presented with an opportunity to choose ("You go ahead!") and yet if a choice is made that is not supported by the family, one thing becomes clear:

free choice is really not intended within the heart of those who control.

To me, this lies on the side of deception. Others may determine that it is a legitimate case of choice and consequence, but consider the Bait and Switch tactic used by some advertisers. An attractive "sale" or "deal" (choice) is offered to lure a customer into a store. Once there, either the item is "no longer available", "sold out", or contains hidden fees or contracts upon purchase. Most of the time the goal is to sell a substitute item of higher price, thus creating expenditure that the customer was not expecting, prepared for, planning for, or wanting. In the end she might go ahead and still decide to make the purchase, but interestingly the practice of Bait and Switch is illegal and subject to legal recourse by consumers.

In similar vein, I believe that presenting a "choice" in such a manner that contains brutally devastating hidden expenditure on the mind, heart, body and soul of an adult daughter creates and causes offense to come to these women.

So what are parents wanting to "get" out of this?

I agree that many fathers and mothers truly only want what is best for their children. What motivation might some have to offer this type of baiting choice? Some reasons might include a legitimate fear that their child may become lost and degenerate. Others have a root of pride knowing that their family is a witness and therefore cannot allow any hint that anything is "wrong". Others cannot admit that they may be in error themselves. Some may feel pressure from organizations or church or friends to live a certain way, and when their offspring begin to question, they feel threatened because of it. Some parents take it as a personal affront when their children believe differently; some fear their grown child making mistakes. Some fear that they will lose control of additional children, and so must make the scapegoat or example out of the one they consider the Prodigal.

The root

While these parents have my sincere sympathy for the myriad struggles, heartaches, and 'drama' that they undoubtedly face, it is my humble opinion in the case of many, that a lack of faith in our heavenly Father lurks at the root of these things. Fear is entwined; fear that their child is deceived, or that they will be considered a poor parent by their peers, or fear of "how it looks" or of "what people will think". Some fear being a "poor" witness, because the lifestyle perpetuated by militant fecundity is done so in order to raise an army for the Lord, to transform our culture through the sheer numbers from those who follow a Quiverfull lifestyle.

Mark 4:39-41

³⁹ Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. ⁴⁰ But He said to them, “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?”^a]"> ⁴¹ And they feared exceedingly, and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Most Quiverfull, authoritarian, and conservative families claim to live their lifestyle of choice out of trust and faith. I humbly submit that one area where trust and faith are not often demonstrated is, ironically, in the lives of adult children. I do not infer that it is easy, by any means, particularly if one's daughter makes choices that go against the parents' stated belief system—however, what better testimony not only to others but also to the children themselves, than to display the very real blood-and-guts aspect of true, living faith and trust in Almighty God? The Abba Father who loves the children of parents even more so than they could imagine loving them, themselves?

Paul reminds us that whatever is not from faith is sin.

Unfettered Choice

Have you ever been allowed to have a truly free choice? By "free" I mean: a choice that was independent of implied—

• guilt
• shame
• disapproval
• badness
• ungodliness
• selfishness
• foolishness
• worldliness
• stupidity
  

Seriously; pause to think.

Often, the case is rare-to-never within patriocentric households. At first some may laugh, "Of course I made free choices!" but upon reflection, find that those who have experienced some form of authoritarian control or spiritual abuse cannot recall many instances where this is true.

Learning to choose

Sadly, this can be a debilitating, challenging exercise. Many women have become persuaded that due to the error of Eve, whose hands bear the consequences of deception, personal choices and decisions cannot be trusted.

James 1:4-6

⁴ But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit, and then trust that He will grant wisdom to you. The key is to ask in faith. But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him, we are reminded in Hebrews.

Practice making choices . . . this may sound elementary, but for adult women who have not been granted the freedom to actually make a real decision on their own, practicing is a vital step. Sometimes this will reap the consequences of a mistake which is anathema within authoritarian families, but it is not so with God. Mistakes are a crucial element of learning. I will go so far as to say in some cases, they must happen. Prolonging them out of fear 1) prevents growth 2) prevents healing 3) prevents learning 4) prevents faith.

Go with God

"What do you want?" asked my husband of me, many times. Through his gentle, patient, and sometimes humorous prodding, I began to realize that not only is it okay for me to have preferences and make choices, it can be a good thing; helpful, even, to others. It is healthy. I hope and pray that there are godly people in your life who encourage and help to guide you along this process. It is important to be surrounded by those who edify while you seek wholeness of mind, heart, soul, and body. There will be times that you will feel as though you stumble along, sometimes ungracefully . . . yet this is how one learns to walk. Walk, and then run! The Lord will be your strength! Trust in Him!

^{Isaiah 40}

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.