The “Joy” and Power of Guilt

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

by Kiery King

Humble and proud. 

Guilty and righteous. 

Loving and judging. 

They sound like opposites, don’t they?  Maybe that is because they are.  However, during my time with the organization, they often were so mixed that I was a bit confused as to their meaning. 

It was totally unacceptable to be proud, of course.  So we would do various things to make sure we stayed humble.  Sometimes this meant doing things to humble ourselves (menial chores, obeying an authority when we didn’t want to, or asking forgiveness even if we weren’t really wrong).  Sometimes it meant inwardly berating ourselves for our weaknesses and sins.  Sometimes it meant letting someone else berate …er… encourage us.  On the other hand, it could mean flaunting our humility - sharing a story in such a way that everyone listening could see how humbly we had behaved.  But of course, we could never actually claim to be humble either, because that would be pride. 

The Sanctuary of Life

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10

Life. A simple word pulsing with complexity. As you reflect, what images come to mind? Answers emerge from the day-portraits of our years—fun, stressful, challenging, hard, i-wish-i-were-dead, boring, exciting, an adventure, depressing—but I wonder: how often do we ever say, abundant?

And what is an abundant life?

I believe that it is full, when our every sense is alive with wonder, expectancy, and thankfulness for God's grace and mercy. When we awake with purpose and live our moments along undercurrents of joy, even when tears fall with frustration or sadness, when we fume over traffic or agonize over an aching child. For when we are full, we are free to feel. When we are full, knowing we will not be rejected but are welcome just as we are, with no effort of our own, we are free to blossom, free to live and taste what God has given us to enjoy.

With no effort of our own. . .
Women acquainted with spiritual abuse know the depth, the burden of always trying. Of always doing, hoping to measure up one day and find approval within lined faces of austerity. Always darkness, there, for we are taught that it is the will of God to heed the voices which grieve us, which communicate that our best is never good enough.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11

These words of Jesus illustrate His heart for those burdened and exhausted from the law. Quite a contrast to the realities of our everyday agony while we stumble beneath the weight of  shoulds and oughts. These obligations shrill loudly, leaving us ashamed and guilty, as though fingers wag in our faces and declare aha! See, you are worthless! You are stupid! You can't do anything right!

Oh, dear friend! I know the torment of these obscenities! We could, each of us, list dozens of items which remind us we fall short.

• I should read the Bible more
• I should have dinner ready by now
• I should exercise today
• I should pray harder
• I should wear dresses
• I ought to speak more kindly
• I ought to turn the other cheek
• I ought to be happy

Don't truly good Christian women find these things easy? In and of themselves many of these things are good—however, all too often those of us raised in authoritarian environments consistently feel unacceptable, perpetually bearing the shame of disapproval. We are subtly taught we must perform or properly behave in order to receive love, affection, or attention, but even our hardest efforts leave us dry. It's confusing, overwhelming, and spiritually exhausting: why do the daily disciplines of godliness leave us feeling empty, drained, unloved? Why do we not feel rested as we kneel before the feet of Christ? 

To the contrary: we sink deeper into shame, proving to others and Jesus how weak, ungodly, and worthless we are.

Shame vs. guilt

It is important to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Healthy guilt produces repentance, restoration, and growth. However, shame drives us away from God, further from His healing rest. It enmeshes with our core until our very identity is toxic with lies—error that becomes the foundation of all we believe about ourselves.

To identify the roots of your feelings, it helps to ask:
Does this make me want to run to God? "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
-OR-
Does this make me want to run away from God?  "I am so wicked; God cannot look upon sin. I just need to go and die."

Guilt is feeling regret over a committed wrong, externalized, and within proper context. I did a bad thing and I regret what I did. Shame is an emotion of perceived wrong, but internalized: I am bad. I always do bad things so that means I am worthless, no good, and should have never been born.

It can be extremely difficult overcoming a lifetime of shoulds and oughts. By ourselves, it is impossible. But Jesus wants you to become free. No more formulas, no more works, no effort. You don't need to do one more thing to receive His love, His freedom, and grace. He says, Come. Drop everything you are doing, and rest. Let me give you what you need. Let Me be your source.

What would your life be like, if you simply stopped? If you answered His gentle beckoning? Consider His words an invitation to sanctuary. Let Him allure your tired and weary heart—and you will find rest for your souls.

A whole new life awaits.

This is an adaptation of an earlier post. 

"An End to Guilt" — Featured Article

Do you wake up and apologize for living? Do you struggle with guilt, shame, self-condemnation? This article will help you discover the truth of God's love.
An End to Guilt by Gregory Reid

Sanctuary

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10

Life. A simple word that pulses with complexity. While you contemplate, what comes to mind? A hundred women will give a hundred different answers; all borne from the book of days they have lived--fun, stressful, challenging, hard, i-wish-i-were-dead, boring, exciting, an adventure, depressing--yet I wonder: how many of us can truly say, abundant?

I believe that an abundant life is full. . . when every sense is alive with wonder, expectancy, and thankfulness for God's grace and mercy. We awake with purpose and live our day along an undercurrent of joy, even when tears are shed from frustration or sadness; when we fume over traffic or agonize over an aching child. For when we are full, we are free to feel. When we are full, knowing that we will not be rejected but are welcome just as we are, with no effort of our own...only then can we blossom.

With no effort of our own. . .

Women acquainted with spiritual abuse know intimately the depth and burden of always trying. Of always doing . . . perhaps hoping one day to suddenly measure up, and find approval somewhere within the lined faces of austerity that haunt us. There is always darkness there, for we are taught that it is the will of God to heed the voice that grieves us. Our best is never good enough, and yet we know that to give up is to die.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11

These words of Jesus illustrate His heart for those burdened and exhausted from the law. Quite a contrast to the realities of our everyday agony; stumbling along beneath the weight of the shoulds and the oughts that we bear. These onus ones shrill with loud voices, rendering us shamed and guilty; as though pointing fingers and declaring: aha! See, you are worthless! You are stupid! You can't do anything right!

Oh, dear friend! How my heart breaks for the weary; for I know the torment of these obscenities! Let us look at some of the things that torture us so. . .

• I should read the Bible more
• I should have dinner ready by now
• I should exercise today
• I should pray harder
• I should wear dresses
• I ought to speak more kindly
• I ought to turn the other cheek
• I ought to be happy

We could, each of us, list dozens of items that remind us where we lack. If we were truly good women, wouldn't these be easy? Please understand that I am not saying these things in and of themselves are wrong to do; many of them are quite Biblical, in fact. However, many women who have been raised in an authoritarian environment consistently feel unacceptable and bear the shame of disapproval. We are subtly taught that we must perform or properly behave in order to receive love, affection, or attention; but even after our hardest efforts, we are left dry. It becomes confusing; while these seem like the daily disciplines of a godly woman, why are we left so empty and drained? Why do we not feel rested at the feet of Christ? We sink deeper into shame, feeling that this proves how weak, ungodly, and worthless we are.

Shame vs. guilt

It is very important to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Healthy guilt produces repentance, restoration, and growth. Unfortunately, many woman writhe under feelings of shame; which can drive them further from God and the healing rest He offers. These things become enmeshed within our core, until our very identities scream negative lies that become the foundation of all that we believe about ourselves. To identify the roots of your feelings, it may help to ask:

Does this make me want to run to God? Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
-OR-
Does this make me want to run away from God? I am so wicked, and God cannot look upon sin. I just need to go and die.

Guilt is the feeling of regret over a committed wrong; externalized and within proper context. I did a bad thing and I regret what I did. Shame is an emotion of perceived wrong; but it is internalized: I am bad. I always do bad things so that means I am worthless, no good, and should have never been born.

Do you see the difference?

I realize that it can be extremely difficult to overcome a lifetime of shoulds and oughts. By ourselves, it is impossible. May I whisper something to you? Jesus wants you to become free. You don't need one more doing to receive His freedom; you don't need another formula. In essence, He says, Come. Drop everything you are doing, and rest. Let me give you what you need. Let Me be your source.

What would your life be like, if you simply stopped?

It is both exhilarating, dangerous, and daring!

Consider His words an invitation to sanctuary. Let Him allure your tired and weary heart. . . for you will find rest for your souls.

A whole new life awaits.
____________________________________________________________________
Going forward we will talk quite a bit about the insidious nature of shame and its crippling effects on women. A very helpful book is entitled Shame off You, by Alan D. Wright.