When the Formula Fails, Part One | Guest Post

by David Orrison
Imagine yourself in a tunnel facing a wall that appears to seal off the tunnel. Your goal is to get through the tunnel to the other side but the wall is in your way. Fortunately, you have learned that the wall moves as you push it. You begin to push the wall down the tunnel, making progress that provides hope for your goal. However, as you progress, the wall gathers dirt behind it and becomes more and more difficult to push.

     Soon you reach the place where the wall no longer moves. What do you do? You try pushing harder and the wall moves a little. In frustration, you look around and see a little room off the side of the tunnel. The room is a classroom and there are people in the classroom learning techniques for moving the wall. You sit in for a while and then try some of the techniques. Amazingly, they work… for a while. Then the wall stops again.

     About this time you see a television screen on the side of the tunnel. It shows people who are successfully moving their walls. They are making progress; why aren’t you? You watch carefully to learn their techniques and then you go back and try again. Again, the wall moves a little, but stops.

     Finally, there seems to be nothing more you can do. You have tried all the techniques, more than once, and you have certainly tried harder. You’ve run at the wall to hit it, but you just got hurt. You’ve attended classes and seminars, large and small. You’ve read books, watched videos, and heard testimonies of how others have been successful. You’ve done everything you were supposed to do and more but the wall no longer moves. Now what?

Formula Spirituality

     This seems to describe the Christian life for many people. They want to see progress. They believe that progress is possible. They want a happy life, good kids, little conflict; all the reasonable desires of life. They also want to know that God is pleased with them and will not be angry. They have been taught that there are ways to accomplish these things if they just work hard. The Christian life for them is work and progress is made through techniques and superior effort.

     I have come to call this “formula spirituality”. The right formula promises spiritual progress. A formula is simply a technique or method that offers certain results. Like taking copper and tin in the right combination and process to make the much stronger and more durable bronze. If you want bronze, you have to use this formula. You might mix flour, sugar, and other ingredients in specified proportions to get Grandma’s Sugar Cookies. You could use another recipe/formula, but you wouldn’t get Grandma’s Sugar Cookies. Certain results require certain formulas.

     A “spiritual formula” is much the same. There are those who teach that spiritual objectives are reached by certain formulas. If a wife wants a happy relationship with her husband, she must be submissive to him according to a certain formula. If you want good children, there are certain things you must do. If you want God to love you, all you have to do is these five basic steps. The Christian life, with all of its parts, is reduced to formulas.

     But why use a formula? Why not just live your life trusting God for the results? The advantage of a formula is that the results are supposed to be guaranteed. If the formula has been used successfully, the reasoning goes, the results can be reproduced successfully. Stick to the formula, do it right, and the desired results will – must – follow.

     Using a formula in our spiritual life is desirable to many people because of the “cause and effect” rule. Certain causes bring certain effects. Why leave anything to chance? Instead, work the formula and guarantee the results. The formula is certainly the dream of a parent, a person looking for a job, or a concerned marriage partner. If I just do these certain things (work the formula) then the results I hope for must come about.

     In a sense, the formula is designed to control even God. God is locked into the cause and effect process by the formula. Rather than risk His unwillingness to answer our prayers our way, we use the formulas to assure His compliance. A certain number of prayers, a certain posture in prayer, and certain words in prayers have all been part of formulas that Christians have used to try to manipulate God. Perhaps a certain amount or kind of service, certain activities or avoidance of certain activities, or even paying tithes or offerings could be part of formulas used in this way. The formula can be the way around the unpredictable will of God.

Do Spiritual Formulas Work?

All of this begs the question: Do the spiritual formulas work? The answer is yes… and no. Formulas work in the same way that the lottery works. Sometimes the person using the formula gets the results he or she wants. Not always, of course, but enough to keep the concept of using formulas alive. If no one ever won the lottery, if gambling never paid off, people wouldn’t play. If the formulas could never be connected with success, no one would be tempted to use them. But there are just enough “success stories” to keep people working at the formulas.

I Love Homeschooling, Quiverfull Families!

by Hillary McFarland

Happy Monday! I'd like to take a few moments to address a few issues that continue to appear despite my ever-growing list of FAQs and disclaimers (::understanding smile::).

This post today is simply for the record . . .

I love big families!

(And small ones, too!)

     I have never suggested that “being quiverfull” is wrong, even when I might personally disagree with some of the positions promoted by quiverfull advocates. I have spoken quite frankly about the serious struggles that many quiverfull daughters face. I believe that healthy parents will consider the emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological needs of their brothers and sisters in Christ who happen to be loaned to them, by God, in the form of sons and daughters. Acknowledging, addressing, and freely discussing the reality of many quiverfull daughters is not mutually exclusive with this, nor should it be perceived as a judgment upon those with a full-quiver conviction. (Quiverfull daughters are people, too!)

     I am a HUGE fan of homeschooling and support 100% a parent's option to school their children at home...or elsewhere, as the Lord leads. I do not believe that home education is the only option for a godly parent, but that individual families are free to seek the Lord for what is appropriate for their children.
     In addition, nowhere do I condemn godly authority. I wholly, passionately, and profusely condemn the evil that is authoritarianism: the abuse or misuse of authority, or “authority gone bad” as succinctly stated by guest poster Jim Karpowitz. I believe that authoritarianism is completely contrary to the life, teachings, and ministry of Jesus Christ, therefore unbiblical and sinful. However, addressing the fruits of abuse does not mean there is no love, grace, forgiveness or restoration for those who have (nearly always with good intentions) cultivated them. God so loved the world, and the world includes Pharisees and sinners and parents and daughters. It is to the daughters of patriarchy that the Lord has called me.   

An Abusive System

     Those who think I am “attacking” homeschoolers, Quiverfull families, or even “patriarchy”, have completely missed the point of everything I write. It's true that women from lifestyles which promote these conservative principles belong in the niche where God has called me, but my goal is not to get people to stop “being conservative”  (i.e., to wear pants, stop homeschooling, use family planning, go to college,  move away from home, etc.) even if my convictions differ. I'm not trying to foist my own ideas of living onto others, but to address a system of belief that places stumbling blocks before children. To look at fruits produced in the lives of aching women. To question the practice of a paradigm that hurts people...and minister to those wounded because of it. Pretending or wishing that women (and men) struggling with the fruits of “godly” lifestyles don't exist, are rare (or worse, merely dismissing them as rebellious) dismisses and denies Jesus! Although quivering daughters are hardly the least among us, ‘...Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ (Matthew 25:40) 

Peace

     The Book of Jude reveals an intriguing verse: Yet Michael the archangel, in contending with the devil, when he disputed about the body of Moses, dared not bring against him a reviling accusation, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!” While I certainly do not equate myself with the archangel, nor those who perpetuate destructive practices as the devil, I believe this principle applies to me and my work. Who am I to revile or accuse, even within dispute? While this website, my book, the articles I post, and my calling deal with sensitive and controversial topics, it is not of my heart to create more division. I care about truth, not sensationalism. I cannot shy away from these serious issues, but pray always that I address them with grace. Although I cry out against abuse, it isn't my desire to attack or condemn persons with whom I might disagree.

     In the Bible, Jesus was not afraid to identify Pharisees, rulers, and authoritarian leaders using strong language. In fact, He even addressed Peter, His disciple, as “Satan”. I believe that all people are created in God's image and are loved by Him, including those who abuse the truth. He offers grace, forgiveness, and mercy to all. Sometimes it is necessary to identify or discuss public figures, teachers, and ministries to illustrate specific lifestyles or beliefs, but I believe this can be done in love. Speaking against sin glorifies God and proclaims Him to those wounded in His name.

     This chapter in Romans conveys my thoughts better than I. Please understand the reasons I've paraphrased the end:

...Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.

He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks... But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written: “As I live, says the LORD, Every knee shall bow to Me, And every tongue shall confess to God.”

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way.

I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. Yet if your brother daughter is grieved because of your food, dismissal of her feelings you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food convictions the one for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil;  for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, homeschooling, quiverfull, courtship, dating, or public-schooling, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. wearing dresses only or condemning those who wear head-coverings. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats places his lifestyle over the future of his children, or their physical, emotional, and spiritual life, with offense. It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine lecture for hours, reject, abuse authority, excommunicate, humiliate, shame, nor do anything by which your brother daughter stumbles or is offended or is made weak.

Do you have faith? Have it to yourself (not necessarily to your adult children or other Christians) before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin. (from Romans 14, NKJV)

I Mean This Gently...

To be honest, I don't care if someone chooses to “be patriarchal”. I do care when someone's practice of patriarchy misrepresents the heart of God to a desperate young woman. 

I'm thrilled when families seek to follow God and live a biblical life; I grieve when women slice their arms with razors because they never measure up to the “godly” ideal required of them. 

I rejoice when parents seek to discern God's will for their families. I grow angry when a woman is told that God only speaks to her through her father or husband.

I love that earnest families teach Scripture to their children. My soul aches when a woman suffers through depression and shame because verses were twisted and used against her.

I don't care whether a family has two children or if there are nearly twenty, like Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar. But I do care, very much, when daughters yearn to be noticed and loved for who they are, not for what they do.

I don't take issue with a full-quiver lifestyle, but I do believe it is a serious mistake to view one's family, for all practical purposes, as collection of children, rather than investing time into understanding intimate needs, differences, and personhood of each special person within it. This includes all the different personalities, dietary needs, weaknesses and strengths, interests, fears, desires, even methods of discipline for each child. This doesn't mean that all quiverfull families do this, but it is common among many of them.

I don't discourage living out convictions but I weep when women dream about killing themselves because God and their parents never seem pleased with them. 

The Bottom Line

     Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. I talk about this often. Yet Scripture admonishes us to not use liberty as a cloak for vice, but through love to serve one another. It's easy to think of vice in terms of worldliness, of rebellion, of irreverence and dishonor. What if, sometimes, vice looks holy?
     The Bible encourages us to use our liberty for good, to love and serve others with it. “Love your neighbor,” says Jesus. Who is your neighbor? Perhaps your closest neighbors are those within your own household. Perhaps it is your oldest child who is exhausted due to all the responsibilities and expectations placed on her because she must be the example of perfect, godly daughterhood to all her younger sisters. Perhaps it is your middle daughter who feels as though she has no place and cannot measure up to standard. Or maybe the youngest, who has plenty of examples held up to her, and yet seems to fail at each one.  

     Use your liberty in Christ to make wise choices regarding each individual precious child, seeking their well-being, not as a cloak to dismiss their thoughts and feelings or to control their every move; not as a blanket to home-school them or public-school them when other options would be better. Not as a cloak to conceal bad fruit from destructive doctrine or heartache. Not as a covering to misuse your authority. Use the freedom Christ gives you to serve your neighbors! To encourage them, to give them life and to be at peace!

     You see, making these issues “either / or”, “us versus them” and “black and white” continues to widen the gaps and create division within the body of Christ. Let's not make it a choice of “us” or “them”...choose to follow Jesus! Let's not force ourselves into “either / or”...choose love! Let's not live in black and white. Liberty isn't in black and white. Nor even is it in gray...I believe that freedom in Christ is found in red, in the blood He shed for us.
     Can we walk in red? For our families? Our husbands and children? For our neighbors?
     Can we live in red?

The Alluring God

by Hillary McFarland

Sometimes when we're young we are really shy, and our baby hands clutch mama's skirts and we try to hide in them when other people look at us. But then when we're a little older, we run around like wildthings and worry not what others think, and climb trees and our hair frizzes a golden halo, our cheeks blush like apples and our toes peek through sneakers, but we don't mind because we are six or nine and we sing at the top of our lungs that the hills are alive with the sound of music, and they are...

     Inevitably the years collect, and we grow fifteen and shy while the hills grow quiet. Hearts blush like maples in fall, but every hair is in place and hands smooth our own skirts and we hide behind trees instead of perching in them. And then we grow old in soul; melody is memory as feet shuffle dust and we strain to hear and see the One who breathed into lungs the song of life. We are tired and hungry; we ache and our face is etched with the fine tip of years, and our heart is carved up and arms are weary, and why do we even try? 

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,

As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up

From the land of Egypt.

Hosea 2:14-15

     Do not be afraid of the barren place, of the wilderness, for God spills holy into ground and brings His light to dark, His life to dead, and living water to the waterless. He breaks Egypt's arms and yokes us with His grace; He builds His temple from abandoned ruins and dwells there, with the lowly of us and the weak, the foolish, the base, and the despised. The forsaken He gathers close and He makes dry bones dance and turns desert to wine and collects tears in crystal and He loves you!

You see the back of her
Because she faces Jesus.

You see her while she walks away
Because she follows Jesus.

You see her on a lonely road
Because few find
The narrow way that leads to life.

You see her, perhaps, half-dead

Because she is in the business
Of dying everyday.

You see her forsaken

Because she has left all 

to follow Him.

You see her struggle along the way

Because she takes up her cross.

You see her lost

Because she loses her life

To be found by Life.
 

You see her in a wilderness
Because that’s where God 

Plants vineyards. 

(hosea 2)

     And this is the place where trees clap hands like joyful little children and the hills are alive with the sound of music and He makes our feet like the feet of a deer and sets us on high places because we love Him because He loves us and behold, old things have passed away and all things have become newly birthed from the womb of mercy.

Are you a Gracewriter? Are you a Graceseeker? Share your journey by inserting an article or post of your own into the link list below. 

Also shared with Holy Experience:

Sheep Story

By Eric M. Pazdziora

The best thing ever written on spiritual abuse is a poem about sheep. I haven’t got many sheep in my neighborhood—the picture here is one we took in Ireland—but every word in this poem is so true it aches.

Someone once asked me, when you hear stories of spiritual abuse—horrible cruel things done by well-intentioned religious people—where do you think the Lord’s heart is in all of it? My answer, of course, was “Don’t ask me; ask the Lord.” Fortunately, the Lord already told us: He wrote a poem about sheep.

It starts with a bit about shepherds who mistreat sheep. Bear in mind that this was written a few thousand years before anybody ever heard the term “spiritual abuse.” Some shepherds take a while to learn, even though the Lord keeps on saying “This is what the LORD says!” Then it goes to a bit about sheep who mistreat other sheep. That happens too; you don’t need authority to be an abuser.

In between and after and throughout and all around, it tells us exactly where the Lord’s heart is. Toward the end it even becomes outright Messianic. And it speaks for itself so clearly that it doesn’t need me to speak for it anymore. Here’s what the Lord says about spiritual abuse, and about sheep.

he word of the LORD came to me:

“Son of man,

prophesy against the shepherds of Israel;

prophesy and say to them:

‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says:

Woe to the shepherds of Israel
who only take care of themselves!

Should not shepherds take care of the flock?

You eat the curds,

clothe yourselves with the wool

and slaughter the choice animals,

but you do not take care of the flock.

You have not strengthened the weak

or healed the sick

or bound up the injured.

You have not brought back the strays

or searched for the lost.

You have ruled them harshly and brutally.

So they were scattered

because there was no shepherd,

and when they were scattered

they became food for all the wild animals.

My sheep wandered

over all the mountains

and on every high hill.

They were scattered over the whole earth,

and no one searched or looked for them.

“‘Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD:

As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD,

because my flock lacks a shepherd

and so has been plundered

and has become food for all the wild animals,

and because my shepherds did not search for my flock

but cared for themselves rather than for my flock,

therefore, O shepherds, hear the word of the LORD:

This is what the Sovereign LORD says:

I am against the shepherds

and will hold them accountable for my flock.

I will remove them from tending the flock

so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves.

I will rescue my flock from their mouths,

and it will no longer be food for them.

“‘For this is what the Sovereign LORD says:

I myself will search for my sheep and look after them.

As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock

when he is with them,

so will I look after my sheep.

I will rescue them
from all the places where they were scattered

on a day of clouds and darkness.

I will bring them out from the nations

and gather them from the countries,

and I will bring them into their own land.

I will pasture them

on the mountains of Israel,

in the ravines

and in all the settlements in the land.

I will tend them in a good pasture,

and the mountain heights of Israel
will be their grazing land.

There they will lie down in good grazing land,

and there they will feed in a rich pasture

on the mountains of Israel.

I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down,

declares the Sovereign LORD.

I will search for the lost

and bring back the strays.

I will bind up the injured

and strengthen the weak,

but the sleek and the strong

I will destroy.

I will shepherd the flock with justice.

“‘As for you, my flock,

this is what the Sovereign LORD says:

I will judge between one sheep and another,

and between rams and goats.

Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture?

Must you also trample

the rest of your pasture with your feet?

Is it not enough for you to drink clear water?

Must you also muddy the rest with your feet?

Must my flock feed on what you have trampled

and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

‘Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them:

See, I myself will judge

between the fat sheep and the lean sheep.

Because you shove with flank and shoulder,

butting all the weak sheep with your horns

until you have driven them away,

I will save my flock,

and they will no longer be plundered.

I will judge between one sheep and another.

I will place over them one shepherd,
my servant David,

and he will tend them;

he will tend them
and be their shepherd.

I the LORD will be their God,

and my servant David will be prince among them.

I the LORD have spoken.

“‘I will make a covenant of peace with them

and rid the land of wild beasts

so that they may live in the desert

and sleep in the forests in safety.

I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill.

will send down showers in season;

there will be showers of blessing.

The trees of the field will yield their fruit

and the ground will yield its crops;

the people will be secure in their land.

They will know that I am the LORD,

when I break the bars of their yoke

and rescue them

from the hands of those who enslaved them.

They will no longer be plundered by the nations,

nor will wild animals devour them.

They will live in safety,

and no one will make them afraid.

I will provide for them a land renowned for its crops,

and they will no longer be victims
of famine in the land

or bear the scorn of the nations.

Then they will know that I,

the LORD their God,

am with them

and that they, the house of Israel, are my people,

declares the Sovereign LORD.

You my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, are people,

and I am your God, declares the Sovereign LORD.’”

—Ezekiel 34

Eric M. Pazdziora lives in Chicago, which is sorely lacking in sheep. He works as a freelance composer, editor, writer, and husband (the latter to Carrie). Information about his new CD of hymns about grace, "New Creation," is available from his website at ericpazdziora.com.

What is Performance Spirituality?

For the next several weeks, please join us on Wednesdays as Pastor David Orrison from Grace for the Heart Ministries shares about performance spirituality, legalism, and grace.

by David Orrison

We all battle with the performance system in our lives. We were taught from the earliest ages that success and failure are based on our performance. If you do your work well, you will be rewarded. If you perform poorly, you will find no reward and perhaps even punishment. Performance appears to be the key.

     Since reward is positive and punishment is negative, it became very easy to interpret relationships in the same way. Positive relationships come from good performance; negative from bad performance. I am accepted if I do well; rejected if I do poorly. I am loved if I do well; “unloved” if I don’t do well. You see how the process works. We could refer to this as “performance-based relationship.” Many people understand that from their families.

     Add to this the fact that I can never really know the thinking of another person and I am forced to try to keep these relationships while never knowing whether my performance will be good enough. Every time I think I have something figured out, something new comes along. Eventually this leads to depression and anger.

     When we were introduced to God, the performance system was already in place in our lives and in the lives of those who told us about Him. The most natural thing was to infer that the same performance system was in the mind and heart of God. Almost everyone else in our lives was part of that system and they assumed God was also. In fact, they could see it everywhere in the Scriptures and decided that it must be right. That led them to believe some gross inconsistencies and to mistrust the heart of God. After all, we learned that the performance system in life is full of unexplained expectations, arbitrary pronouncements of success and failure, and manipulation for the personal desires of others. If God is part of that system, why wouldn’t we mistrust Him?

     But the most damaging part of the whole system is what it does in us. If I believe in the system, I am doomed to failure, discouragement, and depression. I must measure up, but I cannot measure up. I must succeed, but success is always just out of my grasp. I must live by the highest standards, but my highest are never high enough. Eventually this leads to serious depression, even “self-loathing.” In this system there is no hope and there can never be. We know it in the depths of our hearts.

Performance Yoke

My Hiding Place

Coffee’s rumble draws me awake. I can hear it beyond the door, waiting, steaming and fresh, for eager cups. I stretch my arms, blink in the sun. It is morning now—morning, when mercies are new. Even as a little girl, I need new mercy like mommy needs her coffee.

     Although I don’t know what it is, exactly, I think about it sometimes when I run down the hill, run away to my sanctuary. It nestles, my nook under the trees, cozy and waiting, warm and soft from summer. It’s important to have a place when you’re little, you know, a spot all your own where you can curl up and let the forest murmur against your cheeks. A place where you can think about things—deep things, the mysteries of life and pain—while the zephyr wraps you up in sheets and the sun tucks you in.

     They say mercies are new in the morning. I don’t know about that. I don’t know mercy but I do know hell, and it lurks in the shadows of dawn and noon and night. It haunts me when I’m seven and seventeen and twenty-seven, clutching at my heels, waiting for me to fall. It pricks me when I fail, a thousand times, to be the gentle sister, the pleasing daughter, the loving woman God wants me to be. It suffocates me as I plan my death, and I can see it, see hell waiting, and I stay alive and afraid for another morning. A thousand haunted mornings . . .

I am guest posting at Madabella today . . . please join me!

Mind Control and the Adult Child | Pt. 4

In the context of being an adult child who experienced mind control throughout their upbringing or who still experiences it within adulthood, it's essential to understand how it works and why it's unhealthy. In this series we are discussing Steve Hassan's BITE model of mind control (see introduction here; part 1; part 2; part 3). Hassan is recognized worldwide for his work as an exit counselor and has written two books: "Combatting Cult Mind Control" and "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves."  

     Continuing with the third portion of Steve Hassan's BITE model:  

III. Thought Control
by Steve Hassan

1. Need to internalize the group's doctrine as "Truth"

a. Map = Reality
b. Black and White thinking
c. Good vs. evil
d. Us vs. them (inside vs. outside)

2. Adopt "loaded" language (characterized by "thought-terminating clichés"). Words are the tools we use to think with. These "special" words constrict rather than expand understanding. [emphasis added] They function to reduce complexities of experience into trite, platitudinous "buzz words".

3. Only "good" and "proper" thoughts are encouraged.

4. Thought-stopping techniques (to shut down "reality testing" by stopping "negative" thoughts and allowing only "good" thoughts); rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism.

a. Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking
b. Chanting
c. Meditating
d. Praying
e. Speaking in "tongues"
f. Singing or humming

5. No critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy seen as legitimate

6. No alternative belief systems viewed as legitimate, good, or useful

 _______________

From a Christian Perspective

Thought Control is a hallmark of cults. But much of what we see here is part of our daily walk with the Lord! As believers, certainly we are to pray. Singing is biblical, and so is right thinking. Meditation upon God's word is always encouraged, and Paul reminds us, Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. (Phil. 4:8) Additionally, as we discussed in the beginning of this series, we are to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. So what is the difference? How can something good be used destructively?

     It's important to understand that doctrine or belief systems are not always what makes a group cultic. Leaders within a church or family who wield undue influence and use mind control to coerce (control, manipulate, train, etc.) their members may actually believe right things. In other words, they may believe Truth. However, one can have correct doctrine and yet through authoritarian, sinful, or destructive orthopraxy—the practice of one's doctrine—still be aberrant in nature. In my article The Cultic Family, Part III  I offered several biblical refutations of cultic criteria, of which some appear to be the responsible activity of diligent, earnest Christians. Please review this article as you reflect on this element of mind control.

Saturday Evening Blog Post with Elizabeth Esther

Join us over at Elizabeth Esther's place for a gathering of friends, linky-links, and writers sharing what was on their hearts this past September. I submitted my post about perfectionism and holiness titled "Grace With a Floppy Face." What would you like to share?

Learning to Drop the Rocks

“Grace is to receive what we do not deserve

Mercy is to not receive what we do deserve.”

—Jay DePoy

                                                                                    

Last week I listened to the best message I've heard in years. It was presented by Jay DePoy and is not-so-coincidentally about grace, mercy, truth, and forgiveness. If you struggle to understand grace or simply want to understand it more fully, I encourage you to listen to Drop the Rocks, 9/19/10.  Jay's voice is fresh, honest, and humble; I think you will be exceedingly blessed through his sermon. If you have time, take notes and record your reflections as you listen. I'd love for you to add your thoughts in the comments here.

Will you journey with us to grace? We gather on Fridays. Please insert the direct link to your post on grace into the linky list below, add a comment, and be blessed through the discoveries of others.

Broken

By Eric M. Pazdziora

broken arm is painful. A broken glass is dangerous. A broken mirror is unlucky. A broken heart is depressing. A broken toy is sad. A broken promise is wrong.

So it’s strange that some well-meaning devotional writers tell us that spiritual brokenness is something we should aspire to, an attitude that we should constantly maintain. The doctrine has it that God uses suffering to break us spiritually, forcing us to depend on Him and making us willing to serve Him.

The Bible says the opposite. Spiritual brokenness is destructive and unbearable:

The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?
(Proverbs 18:14, ESV)

A merry heart does good, like medicine,
But a broken spirit dries the bones.
(Proverbs 17:22, ESV)

Life has a way of hurting us, injuring us, breaking us. Sin, grief, injury, pain, suffering, bereavement, all of them act on our spirits like a hammer on glass. Some people may be in denial about it; some may be suffering from it every moment; some may be slowly recovering. Whatever the case, nobody needs to break us. We don’t need to break ourselves. We’re already broken.

That’s not a good thing. That’s an awful, painful, horrible thing. But it leads us to the only verse in Scripture that seems to put brokenness in a positive light:

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
(Psalm 51:17, NASB)

That might be where some of those misguided teachings were extrapolated from. In reality, the verse is much simpler, deeper, and better than that. David wrote this psalm while he was in anguish over the guilt of his sin with Bathsheba and Uriah. Sin breaks our spirits; remorse breaks our hearts.

When we’re broken like this, in our shame or despair or pain, we start to think that God doesn’t want us, that we’re not good enough for Him, that we have to wait until we’re whole again before we go to God. Who wants a broken heart lying around cluttering up their house? Broken things belong in the trash, not in the throne room.

Not so, says penitent David. God doesn’t despise us if we’re broken. God wants us to bring our brokenness to Him. God wants us to come to Him fractures and all. God will take any heart you have to give Him, even a broken one. Especially a broken one.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
(Psalm 34:18–19, NASB)

Brokenness is an affliction (not an aspiration), but the Lord is in the business of saving people from afflictions. The Lord doesn’t just want you to bring your broken heart to Him; the Lord sees your broken heart as a reason to come near to you.

The Lord does not break us in order to heal us any more than a doctor breaks your leg in order to put a cast on it. Why should He break you when He wants you to be whole? Isaiah said as much a few thousand years before:

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice…
(Isaiah 42:3, NIV)

God doesn’t break you. But if you’re already broken or hurting, God heals you. If you have a broken arm, you go to the doctor. If you have a broken sprit, you go to the Great Physician.

I will seek the lost,
bring back the scattered,
bind up the broken,
and strengthen the sick…
(Ezekiel 34:16a, NASB)

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
(Psalm 147:3)

God heals you by taking your brokenness onto Himself. In the person of Jesus Christ, God Himself was bruised, rejected, beaten, bloodied, broken.

Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.
(Isaiah 53:4–5, NKJV)

…this is My body which is broken for you.
(1 Corinthians 11:24, NKJV)

This is one of many reasons we worship our Lord by making a sacrament out of broken bread. That was our brokenness on that Cross. You don’t need to be broken anymore—by His wounds we are healed. And when we are broken, we can look past the brokenness of the Cross to the empty tomb. What is broken will be made whole. What is dead will be brought to life.

Brokenness isn’t something we need to achieve. Brokenness is something we already have. Brokenness is something Jesus heals.

Jesus’ Heart

What can bring hope to a broken heart?
Only a heart that’s been broken too;
And Jesus Christ had a broken heart
When He spilled His blood for me and you.

What can bring warmth to a frozen heart?
Only a heart with the fire of love,
And Jesus Christ has a heart of fire
With the tenderness of God above.

What can bring peace to a troubled heart?
Only a heart that has conquered pain,
And Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace,
For He gave His life and He rose again.

What can bring help to a sinful heart?
Only a heart that is free from sin,
And Jesus Christ has a perfect heart—
Will you give your heart to be cleansed by Him?

(Music and Lyrics by Eric M. Pazdziora. Copyright © 1999.)

Eric M. Pazdziora is celebrating his mumblemumbleth birthday today, and he got a new CD of his original settings of hymns about grace. There are copies for everyone else, too. His wife Carrie sings on it, so it's really good. If you want one, some details are on this post at ericpazdziora.com.

[Image Source]

Humiliation Manipulation | Guest Post

by David Orrison

Every once in a while a light shines out revealing the truth of our surroundings. Sometimes it only lasts a moment, but we gain insights that change our understanding of the world. Suddenly, the explanation we have been looking for explodes like a flash of lightning.

For several years we observed a phenomenon we struggled to understand. We watched as people in our (insert your favorite legalist/performance community here) group put each other down, humiliated certain people, and offered the most self-righteous criticism we had ever heard. If we tried to interfere, we were met with rejection—by the victims! An obvious pecking order existed, but why it was tolerated was beyond us.

The pecking order extended beyond our group. When someone came from HQ it was obvious that he or she was of a higher class than the rest of us. When we attended gatherings, it appeared that the put downs and criticisms happened even among the elite leadership. And, again, the victims seemed to be more committed to the group than before.

In my counseling office, the real feelings would come out. Anger, hurt, rejection, depression—spewed out as the consequence of this kind of group interaction. I would ask why the victims allowed the abuse to continue and they would have no answer. They just wanted to be a part of the group. They believed that there was something in it for them, if they could just get their act together. 

As I counseled and observed, I realized this was the way almost everyone in the group felt. They lived in fear of criticism, knowing they never really measured up to the group standard. Husbands felt like they were failures. Wives felt disappointed and ashamed. Kids felt frightened and angry. No one was happy! So, why did they stay in the group and what made the group popular?

I puzzled about this for a long time, believing my observations to be accurate but not being able to explain what was going on. Then, while watching a favorite television program, I heard a succinct explanation of the situation. It was on “The Mentalist”, March 24, 2009, about 28 minutes into an episode called, “Carnelian, Inc.” Patrick Jane, the main character, explained brainwashing, the way a certain group was able to manipulate its members. He said:

“When the individual is humiliated 

their perceived value of the group is raised.”

Jane called it “group suffering.”

Mind Control and the Adult Child | Pt. 3

Continuing my series on Mind Control and the Adult Child, and our discussion of Hassan's BITE model..."B" here.

dult children from deeply conservative, homeschooling families are probably familiar with the degree of "child sheltering" often taught at conferences, in homeschool groups, and shared among like-minded families. I'm sure we'd all agree that it's important to protect children from inappropriate messages, images, behavior, and other things that could bring spiritual, emotional, psychological, or physical harm. I'm sure, also, that many of us are thankful our parents cared enough to understand their responsibility to us.

     Mind control within the Christian family is, understandably, a difficult topic to read about or address, especially when our heart's desire is to love and honor those who raised us. Sometimes this forces silence and hiding ~ but silence and hiding are not helpful to our walk with God or to ourselves. As previously stated, addressing issues that have arisen in our lives does not mean we don't love, appreciate, or honor our parents. Jesus was sent to heal the brokenhearted and to bind up wounds. Acknowledging that we have wounds admits that we need Jesus.

The Quiverfull Family

     One challenge that full-quiver parents sometimes face is how to shelter each child properly with regards to their individual maturity. While this is a broad application, what is relevant to seventeen-year-old Mark won't be appropriate for four-year-old Jane, but to keep Mark at Jane's level won't be conducive to his growth. It's a fine balance, one that requires wisdom and the Holy Spirit for parents to navigate successfully. As adults, sometimes we need to examine some of the roots in our lives that, established in childhood, bear unwanted fruit as we mature. It is my prayer that as we look over this information and seek wisdom and truth for our inward parts, God will give us understanding of our infirmities, compassion for others, and show us the way to freedom.

     While it's likely that not all of these elements will be present in your history, review the ways information is controlled within destructive or high-demand groups. How did your experience differ? How was it the same? If you were exposed to certain things at a later time, how did you feel / what did you think after absorbing the material?

II. Information Control
by Steve Hassan

1. Use of deception

    a. Deliberately holding back information

    b. Distorting information to make it acceptable

    c. Outright lying

2. Access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged

    a. Books, articles, newspapers, magazines, TV, radio

    b. Critical information

    c. Former members

    d. Keep members so busy they don't have time to think

3. Compartmentalization of information; Outsider vs. Insider doctrines

    a. Information is not freely accessible

    b. Information varies at different levels and missions within pyramid

    c. Leadership decides who "needs to know" what

4. Spying on other members is encouraged

    a. Pairing up with "buddy" system to monitor and control

    b. Reporting deviant thoughts, feelings, and actions to leadership

5. Extensive use of cult generated information and propaganda

    a. Newsletters, magazines, journals, audio tapes, videotapes, etc.

    b. Misquotations, statements taken out of context from non-cult sources

6. Unethical use of confession

    a. Information about "sins" used to abolish identity boundaries

    b. Past "sins" used to manipulate and control; no forgiveness or absolution

Thoughts for Discussion

     A sheltered upbringing is a point of delicate concern for those on both sides of this spectrum. Please share your experience, whether you believe it was positive or negative. Some who were extremely over-controlled report a sense of betrayal when realizing that all was not as portrayed to them. How has this impacted you? Your faith? Your trust, of God and others? Please share whatever comes to mind as you reflect on these issues.
___
The BITE Model

From chapter two of Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves

© 2000 by Steven Hassan; published by Freedom of Mind Press, Somerville MA

Quivering Daughters Giveaway

Soul Liberty Faith is hosting a giveaway for my book, Quivering Daughters ~ Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy. Please click here for more information. 
     I hope you're having a lovely weekend!

Coffee, Love, and Grace

Lisa Byrne is a holistic health counselor and Christian mom. When a dear friend read her article, "Who Do You Feel You Are", she sent it to me immediately because she knew I'd love it. And I do. The entire piece is wonderfully refreshing, but there is something specific I want to share that women struggling with the bonds of  'performance spirituality' need to understand. Lisa writes,

The bible records that Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was.  He replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.‘ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ But in my experience, this is more than a command..it is how things truly are. I can only love others as I love myself.  I can only extend grace to others as I allow myself to accept grace.

  

How are you?

How are you, really?

     I see this paragraph as a call to seek truth in the inward parts, like David writes; as a call to see what is real, not just as we really wish they would be. For in our zeal to follow Jesus' command to deny ourselves and take up the cross, the full context of His command to "love your neighbor as yourself"  often becomes watered down. Worried we'll go too far, others warn us that self-love is innate, natural to the flesh and something to rise above everyday. Perhaps some need these exhortations, but what about those who struggle with depression and emotional wounds? With bitter self-hatred? Whose arms wear burns and slash marks? Whose heart wears burns and gashes?

If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? 1 John 4:20

What if you were your own neighbor? What if you were your own brother?

Have Grace

     I live in the South where Southern hospitality comes a-twinkling in crystal glasses of sweet iced tea. We want you to be comfortable, to eat, to inhale gallons of tea and relax on a porch swing loaded with giant floral pillows. Your visit would not be complete unless you heard "Can I get you anything, honey? Are you hungry? Do you need another pillow?" at least thirty times. While I am not the epitome of the southern gal ~ I 'm not as sunny, for one thing, and I'll offer you powerfully strong coffee, and the porch swing might be a dusty seat on the balcony with plants tickling your ear ~ I do want my friends to feel comfortable, to feel wanted, welcomed, and loved. To leave refreshed, nurtured, rested, inspired, and ready to face another day.

     Scripture tells us that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. What does your mouth speak about yourself? Do you attend to your needs? The expression "actions speak louder than words" applies, too. If you treated your friend the way you treat yourself, how do you think she would she respond? If you spoke to your friend the way you speak to yourself, how would she feel? Try to reflect on this over the next few days. It's important to be aware of how you view yourself. 

     This isn't a call to selfishness; rather, a plea for balance. Look again at the command: love your neighbor as yourself. What a lovely tension! Yet there was a time in my life that if I truly loved my neighbor as myself, that would mean I'd punch my neighbor in the leg. That I'd tell her she was fat and ugly and worthless and should've never been born. That she was a mistake and a burden to everyone she loved. I would've tried to rip the hair off her head and scream at her til I was hoarse and beg God to kill her. I would've planned her murder.

     If you were to truly love your neighbor as yourself, what would this look like to her? Would you try to poison her? Would you attack her with razors? Would you starve her? Withhold care and nourishment? Would you make her work and work and work without rest? Would you force her to eat until she's sick? Would you keep her from health? Would you hate her, tear her down and tell her it's for her own good, so she can learn humility?

     Lisa Byrne writes truth she learned from her own experience:

I can only nurture others as I nurture myself.

     Please pray that God will show you what this means for you, and how this looks for your life. Just as He is gracious, let us be gracious to others, even when the others are ourselves.

Reflections: How do you treat yourself? How does your own heart see you, and your mouth speak of you? What would it mean for you to learn to love your neighbor as you love yourself? What holds you back?

Discover grace with us on Fridays and link to discoveries of your own...

Martha, Martha: In Which the Author Fails to Get the Point

By Eric M. Pazdziora

he joke’s on me.

I was thinking and praying about my topic for this week, and one story just wouldn’t get out of my head—Mary and Martha. We all know it, it’s really simple, but sometimes it does us a world of good to go back to the basics.

So I started my usual round of studying, reading, praying, trying to find the shape of the idea, maybe a profound insight, a unique twist, something unexpected, something new. The weekend went by, and I still had only a handful of scattered notes and observations. Nothing was coming together.

Writers don’t like that, or at least I don’t. I get a bit frazzled and start to fidget, especially when I know there are a lot of people waiting for me to meet a deadline. My other articles so far have all been enjoyable to write, but this one was just not working. Yet I couldn’t get away from the topic. I was starting to get worried and upset, wondering if I would have to work harder than usual to make a good post that would really serve you.

And then all of a sudden it hit me. I was getting distracted and worried by all the work and service I had to do…

…while trying to write an article on Mary and Martha.

Yeah, sometimes it takes me a while.

Now, as Chesterton said, I’m the fool of this story, thank you very much, and I’ll have no one coming to topple me from the jester’s throne. But really, my own thick-headedness makes the point (better than any illustration I could have thought up) of just how easy it is at any moment for any one of us to get a case of Martha’s Disease.

“But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ” (2 Corinthians 11:3, NASB).

Martha just wanted to serve—to serve Jesus, in fact. Serving is a good thing; serving Jesus is an even better thing. But that was the problem. It’s not the best thing. Strictly speaking, it’s not even a necessary thing. Only one thing is needed.

Mary found it. She found it at Jesus’ feet, just sitting, listening, and being. And even though someone close to her berated her for it with the best of intentions, nothing could take it away. Not then, not ever.

It would be a mistake to say “We need to be more like Mary.” The whole point of what Mary was like is letting go of sentences that begin “We need to.”

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.” (Psalm 27:4)

So, nothing fancy today. You don’t need me to tell you what you already know; you can just stop and remember it again. Let’s go back to the story we all know and spend some time listening to what Jesus has to say. Read it slowly and reflect and bask in it. Spend some time at Jesus’ feet. That’s all.

As Jesus and His disciples were going along, Jesus came to a village where there was a woman named Martha. She welcomed Him as a guest.

She had a sister named Mary, who came and sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what He said.

But Martha was distracted, pulled this way and that with all her serving.

She came up to Jesus and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister is leaving me to do all the serving alone? So tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” Jesus answered. “You’re worrying and bothering about so many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is best, and it will not be taken away.”

—Luke 10:38–42, paraphrased EP.

(Recommended hymn with that: Jesus, I Am Resting.)

Eric M. Pazdziora wishes he could practice what he preaches as much as he practices the piano. He writes music and words in Chicago with his wife Carrie, who guessed where this article was going before he got there. A forthcoming CD of his settings of hymns on grace, New Creation, can be found along with more writing at ericpazdziora.com.

Celebrating Versatility

Alison from Joy in the Journey surprised me last week with this lovely blog award! It is shared between bloggers to show appreciation and recognition for their work, their writing, and their purpose. I am truly humbled by this and honored to accept. :-) Alison is a long-time reader of Quivering Daughters; I've had the privilege of sharing a bit of her journey over the last year and more. You can read about her here while peeking at her adorable little babies while you're there. :-) Thank you for this, friend.

     So here's how this is done:

Rules of The Versatile Blogger Award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award. (You don't have to do this part if you don't want to; I realize this is a controversial site and you might not feel comfortable linking to it.)
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Pass on the award to up to fifteen deserving bloggers.
4. Contact the bloggers you chose for the award.

Okay, here we go:

About Me in Seven...

1. Awards and about-mes make me shy. So I'm blushing in my heart right now. And about right now ... I am supposed to be tackling a huge pile of laundry. But isn't passing out blog awards so much more fun?

2. I am an artist. I have recently rediscovered how therapeutic it is to unleash my acrylics on a poor, unsuspecting canvas. I'm also an amateur digital photographer who relishes fabulous Adobe Lightroom and CS3.

3. I've been married for 8 years to an awesome guy, whose support and love have helped me immensely in my walk with the Lord and emotional healing. Without him I wouldn't be where I am today. He is my ezer.

4. I am not a good candidate for this award because I am behind on writing reviews! Coming Soon(ish) But Not Soon Enough: A review of Paradise Recovered: a new coming of age feature-length film from By The Glass Productions where a devout young woman learns about faith, living, and love from a surprising source; and: Shari Howerton's amazing spiritual memoir Breaking the Chains about her experience within a cultic church. I'm sure I missed others on my list somewhere.

5. I am so stuck at number 5. I'm really quite a boring person. I see my desk, which needs to be organized. I smell my hazelnut candle, burning warm. I'm thinking about coffee in the afternoon. I don't know what people want to know about me. Wait...I'll go ask on facebook...

6....and of course my friends came through! Some of the questions were really great and I will try to find a way to incorporate them into future posts. One friend asks: how did you meet your husband? At work. :-) But we were friends for awhile before anything changed. I was very serious and he was always cracking jokes and trying to make me laugh or blush (I used to blush very easily). And then he found out what kind of coffee I liked and started bringing me coffee, even if he happened to be off that day. I noticed how he was always carrying things for people or opening doors for others...very chivalrous without being stuffy. He's a keeper. :-)

7. Another question: It's pouring down rain outside on a Saturday. How do you spend your time? I reply: Ahhhh! I love rainy Saturdays! After a cuddly morning with afore-mentioned awesome guy, I light candles and we enjoy a pot of coffee or two. Then I might paint or clean a bit or cook or write.

______________

Now this is more my style! Here are the versatile bloggers I've chosen to receive The Versatile Blog Award...

Emily | in the hush of the moon Inspiration, creativity, love, and soul.
Sisterlisa | Soul Liberty Faith Intriguing reflections on Christian spirituality.
Bethany | Coffee-Stained Clarity The journey of a young mother healing from spiritual abuse.
Darlene | Emerging from Broken Survivor of sexual abuse who writes about depression and mental health.
Leah | Musings Aloud Sweetness and beauty and a tender heart.
Darcy | Darcy's Heart Stirrings Thinking mama, special friend.
Jumpers2Jeans | Denim Jumpers to Blue Jeans Finding freedom in the One who makes free.
Jerry | Grace Like Rain A father seeking grace.
Karen | That Mom She has a wonderful ministry for homeschooling mothers.
Rachel | Three in One Makes Five  A young mother addressing her past while on the road to grace.
Young Mom | Permission to Live Her husband is a protestant minister and she leans toward Catholicism.
Trish | Bringing Creativity to Life A Blog for Burnt-out Human Beings. (Don't you love that line?)
Paula | Words of a Fether She writes about the Bible.  
Meg | Meg Moseley's Blog Her amazing novel about spiritual abuse comes out from Waterbrook next spring.
Bethany | Goats and Dandelions She is fascinating and so are her reflections on life.
Krista | Rambling Tart You will drool. I promise.

Happy reading! :-)