What is Abuse?

Abuse is a hot, yet tender, topic. Nearly everyone would agree that abuse is horrible, unjustifiable, and devastating. Invariably, within a discussion of abuse, someone will bring up the question of definitions and ask, but what is abuse? Are we just throwing the word around, willy-nilly, and making false accusations? Are we slandering others using this emotionally-charged word? Shouldn't we drop this word and perhaps use something a little less alarming?

We are conditioned to consider abuse to be that which inflicts violence in the forms of rape, battery, beating, or extreme neglect. And yes, those are examples of abuse ~ yet they are not the only examples. Here is how the United States Department of Justice defines abuse. Please read carefully.

We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include  - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers. Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org.
Source

These descriptions illustrate the mis-use of power and control over another person's mind, heart, and body. But there is another form of abuse, a spiritual one. A popular blogger recently observed that the term spiritual abuse is becoming increasingly wide-spread. I am thankful for this! It means that awareness is growing and when one is aware, he or she is more likely to be alert and able to discern warning signs. But what is spiritual abuse? Ezekiel 34 illustrates spiritual abuse in heart-wrenching prose.

“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.”

Another definition is offered by Watchman Fellowship:

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.

Conclusion

It is important to reach an understanding of words and what is meant when terms are used. But while one could argue definitions all day, please remember that meanwhile, there are some desperately hurting individuals in this world who need healing.

____

Recommended reading on spiritual abuse: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse  
Also see Elements of Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Abuse in the Bible, Beating the Sheep.

The Bondage of Betrothal

by Eric M. Pazdziora

One of the fundamental teachings of the Biblical Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements is the doctrine of “biblical courtship,” or “betrothal.” (My brother suggested the word “casuistries” instead of “teachings,” which is perfect except that I didn’t know it before, either.) This teaching has it that since a father is the head of the family, his children are completely under his authority—even for deciding whom they marry as adults.

Under this system, adult daughters or sons who presume to consider marrying somebody their patriocentric parents don’t approve of may be labeled rebellious against God and His plan for the family. It’s a classic case of bounded choice. Even though the doctrine purports to be motivated by turning fathers’ hearts toward their children, emotional trauma often ensues all around.

This isn’t about minors—I’ve heard this from men and women in their twenties or even older, still bound by parental authoritarianism. It’s a small step from “stay-at-home daughters” to “kept-at-home daughters.”

Let’s ask one simple question: Is that really what the Bible teaches?

Mind Renewal

“In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children’s lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinder them from growth and maturity. Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren’t loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth —because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.” —The Over-Controlled Adult Child

In this perverse world, it's important for kids to understand their personal boundaries. "It's not okay for someone to touch you there," a parent might say. Teaching a child how to keep her body safe involves understanding what is off-limits to others. "This part belongs to just you," she learns. "It's private and no one else is allowed to look at you there. If someone asks or tries to touch you, you scream as loud as you can and run away."

     Owning and protecting those private places are essential for healthy personhood. Violations are horrific, often causing lifelong pain, injury, and trauma to the body and the heart—as well as legal repercussions for offenders. But we have other areas that need owning and protecting, too. Other parts of us just as private and personal. We can choose, at appropriate times and for legitimate reasons, to allow ourselves to be influenced by safe people, but self-control is important enough to God to be included in Scripture along with love and faith, the fruit of walking in the Spirit. Therefore it should be important to us.

Stewardship

What is Authoritarian Parenting?

by Hillary McFarland

ometimes when trying to understand a difficult or complex idea, it helps to see a contrast.  I've stated before that I believe authoritarianism is evil and completely contradicts Jesus' ministry, His teachings, and His life. For a woman raised within an authoritarian environment, especially one of a religious nature, it's natural that she will have many issues to overcome before she walks in spiritual freedom and emotional wellness. This is where my heart is and what God has given me to do: to address the fruits of an authoritarian upbringing within the conservative Christian family and help women understand God's love and grace. This is important to Him because He became flesh to bring healing to the broken, liberty to the captive, sight to the blind. He came to bring the dead to life!

     However, I certainly don't suggest that authority within its proper context is bad. A friend of mine puts it simply: You have authority over what you are responsible for. Parents are responsible for their children's health, well-being, education, spiritual growth, and other needs. Christian parents know they are to love, nurture, and train their children in the Lord. There are many Scriptures that admonish believers to esteem all others better than themselves, to submit to one another, to do everything as unto the Lord Himself ~ and wise parents will seek to follow these exhortations even within parenting.

     But somehow authority often becomes “You must obey me!” rather than “How can I care for you? How can I serve you as unto the Lord?” While Paul preaches, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord” he doesn't tell parents to make them obey. I find this very interesting. Additionally, many conservative parents treat their adult offspring as perpetual children by not appropriately relinquishing responsibility. This impedes maturity and growth; as authoritarianism slips its shackles into a family, a whole host of problems arise.

     In my book I place authoritarian parenting right alongside authoritative parenting in the following chart because it helps us to understand the differences, as subtle as they sometimes are. Let me repeat that while I am not a parent nor do I presume to be a parenting expert, it's important for all of us to understand familial authoritarianism because not only is it ungodly, it creates an environment that grows all kinds of rotten fruit. By knowing how to look for bad roots, we can begin to dig them out and pray for our heavenly Father to plant us, heal us, and grow in us His fruit.

Authoritative Parents / Parenting	Authoritarian Parents / Parenting
Responds to the child; sensitive to her needs; through example shows her the heart of God; “person over doctrine”	Reacts to the child; emphasis on requirements of the parent, lifestyle or conviction; “doctrine over person”
Communicates reasonable expectations, is humble and helps the child obey; more concerned with truth than “being right”; respects the child’s thoughts and her feelings; demonstrates unconditional love; quick to forgive	Is highly demanding and proud; more concerned with being “right” than truth; invalidates and disrespects the child’s thoughts and feelings; withholds love, approval,  and acceptance; quick to condemn and shame
Encourages responsible decision-making while still at home; appropriately loosens the reins throughout maturity; views mistakes as necessary for learning and opportunities to teach grace	Exerts extreme levels of control—physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional—over all aspects of life into adulthood; emotionally abandons or wounds the child; treats mistakes as proof of innate badness
Discipline is nurturing, with an ultimate goal of directing the child to the Lord and the influence of the Holy Spirit	Discipline is intimidating and power-motivated, reminding the child that the parent is “the boss”
Points to Christ; steps out of the way of the Holy Spirit; shows that faith trusts in God	Points to the father; stands in the way of the Holy Spirit; shows that faith trusts in “methods” (works)
Teaches healthy, age-appropriate physical and emotional boundaries; is “safe”	Highly enmeshed; physically, spiritually, emotionally and psychologically destructive; is “not safe”
Values the relationship with the child; encourages personhood, mercy and grace; communicates love	Emphasizes first-time obedience, performance, law; utilizes fear and shame

Chart taken from Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing For the Daughters of Patriarchy © 2010 Hillary McFarland

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days...(Deut. 30:19-20)

I Love Homeschooling, Quiverfull Families!

by Hillary McFarland

Happy Monday! I'd like to take a few moments to address a few issues that continue to appear despite my ever-growing list of FAQs and disclaimers (::understanding smile::).

This post today is simply for the record . . .

I love big families!

(And small ones, too!)

     I have never suggested that “being quiverfull” is wrong, even when I might personally disagree with some of the positions promoted by quiverfull advocates. I have spoken quite frankly about the serious struggles that many quiverfull daughters face. I believe that healthy parents will consider the emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological needs of their brothers and sisters in Christ who happen to be loaned to them, by God, in the form of sons and daughters. Acknowledging, addressing, and freely discussing the reality of many quiverfull daughters is not mutually exclusive with this, nor should it be perceived as a judgment upon those with a full-quiver conviction. (Quiverfull daughters are people, too!)

     I am a HUGE fan of homeschooling and support 100% a parent's option to school their children at home...or elsewhere, as the Lord leads. I do not believe that home education is the only option for a godly parent, but that individual families are free to seek the Lord for what is appropriate for their children.
     In addition, nowhere do I condemn godly authority. I wholly, passionately, and profusely condemn the evil that is authoritarianism: the abuse or misuse of authority, or “authority gone bad” as succinctly stated by guest poster Jim Karpowitz. I believe that authoritarianism is completely contrary to the life, teachings, and ministry of Jesus Christ, therefore unbiblical and sinful. However, addressing the fruits of abuse does not mean there is no love, grace, forgiveness or restoration for those who have (nearly always with good intentions) cultivated them. God so loved the world, and the world includes Pharisees and sinners and parents and daughters. It is to the daughters of patriarchy that the Lord has called me.   

An Abusive System

     Those who think I am “attacking” homeschoolers, Quiverfull families, or even “patriarchy”, have completely missed the point of everything I write. It's true that women from lifestyles which promote these conservative principles belong in the niche where God has called me, but my goal is not to get people to stop “being conservative”  (i.e., to wear pants, stop homeschooling, use family planning, go to college,  move away from home, etc.) even if my convictions differ. I'm not trying to foist my own ideas of living onto others, but to address a system of belief that places stumbling blocks before children. To look at fruits produced in the lives of aching women. To question the practice of a paradigm that hurts people...and minister to those wounded because of it. Pretending or wishing that women (and men) struggling with the fruits of “godly” lifestyles don't exist, are rare (or worse, merely dismissing them as rebellious) dismisses and denies Jesus! Although quivering daughters are hardly the least among us, ‘...Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ (Matthew 25:40) 

Peace

     The Book of Jude reveals an intriguing verse: Yet Michael the archangel, in contending with the devil, when he disputed about the body of Moses, dared not bring against him a reviling accusation, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!” While I certainly do not equate myself with the archangel, nor those who perpetuate destructive practices as the devil, I believe this principle applies to me and my work. Who am I to revile or accuse, even within dispute? While this website, my book, the articles I post, and my calling deal with sensitive and controversial topics, it is not of my heart to create more division. I care about truth, not sensationalism. I cannot shy away from these serious issues, but pray always that I address them with grace. Although I cry out against abuse, it isn't my desire to attack or condemn persons with whom I might disagree.

     In the Bible, Jesus was not afraid to identify Pharisees, rulers, and authoritarian leaders using strong language. In fact, He even addressed Peter, His disciple, as “Satan”. I believe that all people are created in God's image and are loved by Him, including those who abuse the truth. He offers grace, forgiveness, and mercy to all. Sometimes it is necessary to identify or discuss public figures, teachers, and ministries to illustrate specific lifestyles or beliefs, but I believe this can be done in love. Speaking against sin glorifies God and proclaims Him to those wounded in His name.

     This chapter in Romans conveys my thoughts better than I. Please understand the reasons I've paraphrased the end:

...Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.

He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks... But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written: “As I live, says the LORD, Every knee shall bow to Me, And every tongue shall confess to God.”

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way.

I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. Yet if your brother daughter is grieved because of your food, dismissal of her feelings you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food convictions the one for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil;  for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, homeschooling, quiverfull, courtship, dating, or public-schooling, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. wearing dresses only or condemning those who wear head-coverings. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats places his lifestyle over the future of his children, or their physical, emotional, and spiritual life, with offense. It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine lecture for hours, reject, abuse authority, excommunicate, humiliate, shame, nor do anything by which your brother daughter stumbles or is offended or is made weak.

Do you have faith? Have it to yourself (not necessarily to your adult children or other Christians) before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin. (from Romans 14, NKJV)

I Mean This Gently...

To be honest, I don't care if someone chooses to “be patriarchal”. I do care when someone's practice of patriarchy misrepresents the heart of God to a desperate young woman. 

I'm thrilled when families seek to follow God and live a biblical life; I grieve when women slice their arms with razors because they never measure up to the “godly” ideal required of them. 

I rejoice when parents seek to discern God's will for their families. I grow angry when a woman is told that God only speaks to her through her father or husband.

I love that earnest families teach Scripture to their children. My soul aches when a woman suffers through depression and shame because verses were twisted and used against her.

I don't care whether a family has two children or if there are nearly twenty, like Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar. But I do care, very much, when daughters yearn to be noticed and loved for who they are, not for what they do.

I don't take issue with a full-quiver lifestyle, but I do believe it is a serious mistake to view one's family, for all practical purposes, as collection of children, rather than investing time into understanding intimate needs, differences, and personhood of each special person within it. This includes all the different personalities, dietary needs, weaknesses and strengths, interests, fears, desires, even methods of discipline for each child. This doesn't mean that all quiverfull families do this, but it is common among many of them.

I don't discourage living out convictions but I weep when women dream about killing themselves because God and their parents never seem pleased with them. 

The Bottom Line

     Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. I talk about this often. Yet Scripture admonishes us to not use liberty as a cloak for vice, but through love to serve one another. It's easy to think of vice in terms of worldliness, of rebellion, of irreverence and dishonor. What if, sometimes, vice looks holy?
     The Bible encourages us to use our liberty for good, to love and serve others with it. “Love your neighbor,” says Jesus. Who is your neighbor? Perhaps your closest neighbors are those within your own household. Perhaps it is your oldest child who is exhausted due to all the responsibilities and expectations placed on her because she must be the example of perfect, godly daughterhood to all her younger sisters. Perhaps it is your middle daughter who feels as though she has no place and cannot measure up to standard. Or maybe the youngest, who has plenty of examples held up to her, and yet seems to fail at each one.  

     Use your liberty in Christ to make wise choices regarding each individual precious child, seeking their well-being, not as a cloak to dismiss their thoughts and feelings or to control their every move; not as a blanket to home-school them or public-school them when other options would be better. Not as a cloak to conceal bad fruit from destructive doctrine or heartache. Not as a covering to misuse your authority. Use the freedom Christ gives you to serve your neighbors! To encourage them, to give them life and to be at peace!

     You see, making these issues “either / or”, “us versus them” and “black and white” continues to widen the gaps and create division within the body of Christ. Let's not make it a choice of “us” or “them”...choose to follow Jesus! Let's not force ourselves into “either / or”...choose love! Let's not live in black and white. Liberty isn't in black and white. Nor even is it in gray...I believe that freedom in Christ is found in red, in the blood He shed for us.
     Can we walk in red? For our families? Our husbands and children? For our neighbors?
     Can we live in red?

Godly Authority: A Flight to Topsyturvydom

by Eric M. Pazdziora

oet and playwright W. S. Gilbert (you might know him from his operettas composed with Arthur Sullivan) wrote some comic poems about the far-away land of Topsyturvydom:

Where vice is virtue—virtue, vice:
Where nice is nasty—nasty, nice:
Where right is wrong and wrong is right—
Where white is black and black is white.

Everything in Topsyturvydom is precisely the opposite of what you expect in our world. Soldiers are cowards, criminals are judges, and babies are born knowing differential calculus and become more ignorant as they grow. It’s silly, of course, but that’s the fun of it. As Ken Medema sang, “The world looks different to you when you’re flying upside down.”

So I’ve noticed a recurring phrase in certain schools of doctrine: “Godly authority.” Husbands should have godly authority over wives. Fathers should have godly authority over children. Pastors should have godly authority over their congregations. Don’t rebel against godly authority.

It sounds good and devout, probably because “godly” is a good faith word and “authority” is something we take for granted. Somebody has to have authority, and certainly “godly authority” seems preferable to the other kind. In fact, it’s exactly what we would expect to hear.

That makes me suspicious. Most of these doctrinaires would agree with me that “godly” should only mean “following what Jesus taught.” But Jesus never taught exactly what we expect to hear. Jesus taught about flying upside down.

Jesus managed to subvert almost everyone’s expectations. They expected a Messiah who would enforce the Law of God; they got one who religious people called a wine-bibber and a friend of prostitutes. They expected a Messiah who would be a conquering hero; they got one who died on a cross with thieves. It’s not for nothing that His critics accused His followers of “turning the world upside down.” Sometimes I’m left wondering whether Jesus was a secret citizen of Topsyturvydom.

When we look at what Jesus taught about authority, what we find seems equally wrong-way-up. Look closely at some of what Jesus said and you’ll start to think you’re standing on your head:

But Jesus called [the disciples] to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25–28, NKJV. Cf. Luke 22:24–27, Mark 10:42–45.)

When Jesus taught about authority, He said one thing clearly: It’s not about exercising authority. The great one is a servant. The greatest one is a slave.

Jesus didn’t let up with the topsy-turviness, either. He said you shouldn’t even take a title of authority:

“But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ. The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matthew 23:8–12, NIV).

The formula for greatness, according to Jesus, is to thrust greatness away from you. It’s not to be looked up to but to be humble. The greatest is the least, the most exalted is the humblest, and the highest is the lowest. If you want to become great, try to be humble; if you want to be humbled, try to be great.

Is this just more nonsense and silliness, something W. S. Gilbert might have dreamed up? Contrast this to the entire doctrinal systems that fixate on authority, and who has it over whom, and whether it’s shaped like a chain or an umbrella, and you do get the distinct impression that somebody is standing on their head. Somebody’s got something very, very wrong.

Here’s another clue in another flight to Topsyturvydom. Jesus based these paradoxical statements directly on Himself and His own work: “just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.” The apostle Paul (possibly quoting an early Christian hymn) elaborates on this in a lyrical passage:

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:5–11, NASB)

Jesus was God, and Jesus became a servant. Jesus humbled Himself, so the Father exalted Him. It’s upside-down, but it’s true.

It gets even loopier. When God exalted Jesus to the highest place, He made another statement about authority. It casually succeeds in blowing all our discussions about “godly authority” to smithereens:

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.” (Matthew 28:18, NIV).

All authority belongs to Jesus.

“All authority in heaven and on earth,” just so we’re clear it’s all-inclusive. Not “all spiritual authority” or “all authority in the church” or “all authority over My disciples.” Those would be radical enough—but “all” means “all.”

This isn’t anti-authoritarianism. There’s plenty of authority for us to obey—but only Jesus has it. It does not belong to anybody else. It is not given to anybody else. It is not shared with anybody else. If anyone says they have any authority in any context and their name is not Jesus Christ, they are wrong. (And if somebody says his name is Jesus Christ, don’t believe him, unless maybe he starts walking on water.)

After this statement, any discussion about who has “godly authority” is pretty much pointless. Nobody does, except Jesus.

Far from being a passing observation, this fact is tied directly to our salvation:

“For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.” (John 17:2, NIV)

Since Jesus has all authority over us, Jesus has authority to save us. Since Jesus has all authority over our lives, Jesus has authority to give us eternal life.

So what then? Don’t get the wrong idea. If your association with “authority” gives you a picture of Jesus sitting at the top of the heap and bossing everyone around, then it’s back to Topsyturvydom we go. Jesus followed His own teaching about authority: authority, He said, is something that should make you act like a servant and wash people’s feet.

So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them.” (John 13:12–17, NASB)

This ties everything so far together. Jesus is in authority over us, and (logically enough) we can’t set ourselves up as superior to our authority. Since Jesus humbled himself and acted like a servant, if we follow Him, we should humble ourselves and serve as well. No one sits higher than the King, and the King is washing people’s feet.

So there we are. If godliness means following Jesus, then “godly authority” is an oxymoron. Godliness is not about authority; godliness is about humility. It’s not about leading; it’s about following (namely, following Jesus). It’s not even about “servant leadership”; it’s about servantship.

But—I hear some people still perplexed with the shock of being turned heels over head—but how on earth does that fit with the way we do things in real life? Doesn’t someone have to have authority in, say, the government? In a marriage? In a church? In a workplace? In a family? Doesn’t the Bible tell us directly to submit to those authorities?

All right then, one last flight to Topsyturvydom. The Bible does tell us to submit, which is appropriate enough considering everything we just saw that Jesus said. But what’s glaringly missing are any corresponding verses that say leaders have authority.

This puts an interesting spin on verses and topics that sometimes become needlessly controversial. Consider husbands and wives (I’m thinking of course of Ephesians 5:21–33). Yes, the Bible says fairly clearly, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” But it follows this statement not with the corollary we’d expect—“Husbands, exercise godly authority over your wives”—but with “Husbands, love your wives like Jesus did for the church,” that is, by sacrificing everything so she can benefit. This makes sense when we consider that Jesus’ kind of love involves washing feet like a servant. What do servants do? They submit.

For that matter, and it is simply amazing how rarely this point gets made, the statements about husbands and wives in context both come immediately after this verse:

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. (Ephesians 5:21).

Godly submission, yes. Godly authority, not so much.

Well, OK, there is one verse that talks about husbands having authority, but I doubt it will ever become especially popular in the Patriarchy movement. It puts it this way:

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:4, ESV).

Again, the idea is not patriarchal authority but mutual submission. (You know what, can we just go ahead and say that this verse all by itself proves once and for all that Patriarchy is an unbiblical teaching? I mean, seriously, “the husband does not have authority.” And that’s not just in the physical relationship; it’s the same Greek word for “authority” that Jesus says in Luke 22:25 we shouldn’t have at all.)

It’s the same with other positions that are considered authoritative. The Bible says that we should serve the government, but also that the government should serve us by providing peace and justice (see Romans 13:4). There’s a reason we call them “public servants.”

Again, the Bible says that we should submit to our pastors, elders, spiritual leaders (however you like to translate presbuteros), but also that they should not lord it over anybody, just serve as good examples (see 1 Peter 5:2–3). Paul explains his position as an apostle precisely this way: “Not that we lord it over your faith, but are workers with you for your joy; for in your faith you are standing firm” (2 Corinthians 1:24, NASB).

It might be tempting to misconstrue this and go running around telling our bosses that they’re not the bosses of us. It’s true, technically, they’re not, but to do that you’d have to ignore all the verses before about humility and servantship. I think we’ve gone so topsy-turvy that we’re making figure eights, so it’s probably time to catch our breaths and see the big picture from the air.

The big picture is simple, clear, and beautiful. It’s love.

We’re free. Anybody who tries to forcefully control us or require us to obey is trying to usurp a position that only belongs to Jesus. Conversely, if I want to lord it over anybody, I’m trying to set myself up as the Lord. Men and women alike, husbands and wives alike, pastors and congregation alike, we’re all brothers and sisters, free and equal.

But since we don’t have to submit and serve out of obligation, that means we’re free to submit and serve just because we want to. Just because we love. Since we’re not obliged to make payments, we can give gifts. We can freely sacrifice for others with no other motive but love. We can serve others not because they have authority over us, but because Jesus has authority over us, and Jesus serves from love.

If you want to see what “godly authority” looks like, don’t look to any person but One. Jesus is washing His followers’ feet. Jesus is giving and serving and loving. Jesus is flying upside down, making loops in the air over Topsyturvydom.

Eric M. Pazdziora still can't fly without an airplane, but music brings him close sometimes. He works as a freelance composer, author, and worship leader, and lives in Chicago with his wife Carrie, several stories above the ground. If you want to hear some of Eric's music or read some more articles, visit his website at ericpazdziora.com.

Mind Control and the Adult Child | Pt. 1

“In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children’s lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinder them from growth and maturity. Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren’t loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth —because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.” —The Over-Controlled Adult Child

In this perverse world, it's important for kids to understand their personal boundaries. "It's not okay for someone else to touch you there," a parent might say. Teaching a child how to keep her body safe involves understanding what is off-limits to others. "This part belongs to just you," she learns. "It's private and no one else is allowed to look at you there. If someone asks or tries to touch you, you scream as loud as you can and run away."

     Owning and protecting those private places are essential to being human. Violations are horrific, often causing lifelong pain, injury, and trauma to the body and the heart—as well as legal repercussions for offenders. But we have other areas that need owning and protecting, too. Other parts of us just as private and personal and off-limits to anyone else. We can choose, at appropriate times and for legitimate reasons, to allow ourselves to be influenced or touched by safe people, but self-control is important enough to God to be included in Scripture along with love, faith, and other qualities of the Fruit of the Spirit. Therefore it should be important to us.

Stewardship

     As young children, we learn healthy responsibility for ourselves from parents if they model for us appropriate self-control. Over-control, or when those in our lives take over the areas God gives us as our responsibility (or when we do this to others) is serious, especially as we grow into adulthood. Norm Wakefield illustrates from a spiritual perspective why this is dangerous:

Until Marty has a relationship with Jesus, his parents must teach, train, and demand honor and obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). However, once the Holy Spirit indwells him, Marty should be taught to walk by the Spirit in relationship with the heavenly Father. As Jesus told his disciples, "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven" (Matt. 23:9). As a son starts to walk by the Spirit, an earthly father should encourage his son's decision-making and guidance to come from a personal relationship with the heavenly Father, not himself. To the degree that the father makes the decisions and dictates the lifestyle of his believing son, to that degree he hinders his son's spiritual life. A father's role should decrease just as John the Baptist's role decreased when Jesus appeared (John 3:30). —The Curse of the Standard Bearers

     As His creation, we belong to God and yet He gives us stewardship over our own hearts, our bodies, our souls and our minds. These things belong to us. We alone answer for them on Judgment Day. What we answer for, especially where our soul and matters of eternity are concerned, is in our jurisdiction and should not be taken away from us. It's critical to be self-controlled, and when others seek inappropriate degrees of control they hinder the work of the Spirit in our life. 

     It's no wonder that Jesus calls us to love God with all we've got, with every fiber of our being. “And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength...” When the ability to do these things of our own volition is taken from us, we must make right this aspect of our lives in order to be whole.

     The answer to over-control is found in Romans 12.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. (v.1)

"You" present yourself. Your parents, pastor, husband, and friends cannot appropriately present your body as a living sacrifice. How this looks will be different for everyone, which makes it crucial to hear God's voice and will for your life.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (v. 2)

Being conformed means to be squeezed from the outside—which is undue influence or control, whether we allow it, or whether it is projected onto us. Transformation, however, comes from within and is a direct result of walking in the Spirit. Let's look again at verse 2, paraphrased according to the understood verbiage of our language:

And [you] do not be conformed to this world, but [you] be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

When we are filled with the Spirit and walk in Him, He is the One who renews our minds for the purpose of living in obedience and proving the perfect will of God. Yet when we are hindered by others who insist that we follow their will, or their ideas of what is good and acceptable and perfect, we won't be able to prove God's.

     We cannot serve two masters.

     The pivotal point in that verse is the renewing of your mind. Only you with the Holy Spirit can renew your mind. God doesn't force Himself on us. Yet mind-control is overwhelmingly present within authoritarian families. Healing from mind-control is essential for us to be free, for where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty.

     Next week we will begin looking at ways mind control manifests within high-demand groups and compare it with the authoritarian family.

Grace With a Floppy Face

I don't sew much anymore, but when I was six years old, a thoughtful gift from my mom  ~ a cookie tin stuffed with my very own red pincushion, thread, buttons, and delightful squares of fabric ~ launched several years of  me curling up on my bed, trailing awkward stitches in whatever scraps of calico I could find. I spent hours at Wal-mart looking at rows of colorful cotton, imagining everything I could make with the materials. I loved to create things, to bring beauty and joy using ribbon and satin, rosettes and yarn, muslin and batiste.

     As I grew older and perfectionism set in, this affected my sewing as well. Unhappy with the slightest pucker in a hem, I'd rip the whole thing out and start new, fresh. Even though no one else could see interior seams, the slightest fray that I knew was there grated on my mind like nails on chalkboard, prompting me to devour a book from the library on Sewing the Perfect Seam and then transforming simple patterns into French couture ~ on the inside, at least. Sometimes, when projects became hopelessly befuddled and beyond [perfect in my eyes] repair, I abandoned them to my little sisters who gleefully added them to their own collections. It got so bad that at one point, sentimental me-who-keeps-everything threw away the very first project I made with my birthday sewing kit: a floppy little dolly which I thought was dreadfully ugly.

     But my mom saw something in her I didn't, fished her out of the trash, and stuck her away in a special place.

 _______________________

    

     The thing about perfectionism is that it eventually leads to burnout. It's tough to gather motivation for a new project when we know how draining it is to complete it to standard. It's hard to keep "fighting the good fight" when every day we fail to measure up. Perfectionism becomes a ruthless master, killing, stealing, destroying, and ravaging our lives. Aghast at the efforts of the Galatians, Paul exclaimed, "Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" (3:3) Yet perfectionists try, and try, and try...growing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually fatigued.

I made her all by myself
when I was six.
My floppy dolly with crayon eyes and lips.
Thank you, mom.

    The truth is that God commands us to be holy. Holiness and perfection are not necessarily the same. The sacrificial lambs were required to be perfect, without spot or blemish. The Sacrificial Lamb was holy, set apart, sanctified. For those raised within authoritarian, high-demand, performance-based, image-conscious households, understanding grace comes at a personal cost because our very ideas of faith, goodness, and biblical living are wrapped up in how godly and righteous we can be. Yet what does God say?

     "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

     Perhaps what we run from most, in ourselves, is what God wants for His glory?
     Isn't this the personification of perfectionism: us running from our weaknesses, our failures, our unfinished seams? And in the arduous quest for perfection, are we unwittingly running from grace?

     I believe that until we can stop striving for perfection and rest, trusting in the One who justifies the ungodly, grace will remain elusive. Because grace is found through brokenness, through mistakes, through ugly things, through a little dolly swept from the trash bin by a mother who understood something I had yet to learn.

Grace makes the imperfect . . .

holy.

Please share your thoughts about grace! Link an article or post of your own in the Linky box below, and if you like, compose a new post on your website or blog inviting other readers to join us on our Journey to Grace. As a friendly reminder, if you would like to receive articles from Quivering Daughters delivered softly through email, please subscribe here!

Discover grace with us on Fridays and link to discoveries of your own...

The Over-Controlled Adult Child

When I was little, I had a child's pocketbook story that illustrated, in soft pastels, the fruits of the Spirit. I could recite them in thirds like a clumsy waltz: "Love, joy, peace. Long-suffering, kindness, goodness. Faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control. Mom, what is long-suffering?" I kept these fruits close and studied them, for they were the marks of good Christians and mature people. 

source

     Patience was my nemesis. "Help me to be patient and kind!" I mourned daily, prayerfully. As the oldest, I regret how often I bossed my siblings and acted without love and gentleness. I didn't struggle with lack of faithfulness much; I was very loyal to others and while I might have felt unfaithful if I only read my Bible once per day, I placed the highest priority on my time in Scripture.  My love for Jesus and desire to be found faithful drove me to invest in my spirituality.

     But without a doubt, the most challenging fruit was self-control. It covered everything about me ~ watch what filled my mind, guard my thoughts, don't eat too much, don't overreact, watch what I say, exercise, and so forth. And as I grew, my concerned parents were careful to shelter me according to their best judgment from negative influences, ungodliness, the "world", and anything detrimental. Their control ~ of me, my environment, and my spiritual and psychological growth ~ was the result of careful consideration and their understanding of Scripture and righteousness.

The adult child

     The onset of adulthood is a convoluted subject within many conservative Christian homes. The legal age of 18 doesn't always carry weight for those concerned with being "not of the world." Yet as children mature and reach adulthood, healthy parents will relinquish the control they assume upon their offspring and trust them to God. However, as we see all-too-frequently within authoritarian households, excessive control upon adult children creates serious stumbling blocks that must be removed before we can continue to become spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy and mature.

     Within Christian parenting, an oft-quoted Scripture is found in Proverbs 22. "Train up a child in the way he should go," says verse 6, "and when he is old he will not depart from it." How this is done varies from family to family ~ rightfully so ~ and should even vary from child to child. But there is another passage with similar wording that caught my attention recently. God, the ultimate Parent, speaks to us:  

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye. Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you." (Ps. 32:8-9) 

The only way we can fully be open to His instruction, teaching, and personal guidance is to be self-controlled. Essentially this means not harnessed by any other person. With deep respect for parents trying to get it right, this also means that when we as adults are under the control of our parents, we are not fully submitted to God. And as long as we aren't wholly submitted to our heavenly Father, as long as we look to someone else, rather than the Holy Spirit, to instruct and teach us, our hearts will be divided. 

"But you, do not be called ‘Rabbi’; for One is your Teacher, the Christ, and you are all brethren. Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ." (Matthew 23:8-10)

Parental over-control

     Unfortunately, many Christian parents treat their adult children as though they must be harnessed with bit and bridle so that they will "come near you" ~ do what they want, meet their needs or ideals, achieve performance and desired behavior. In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children's lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinders them from growth and maturity.

     Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren't loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth ~ because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.

      Please join me next week for my new series about control.

Question for you:

     As an adult, perhaps even married with a family of your own, what areas of your life are still controlled by your parents? Physical control is what we think of most, but what about emotional control? Mind control? How does this affect your thinking, your living, your decisions, emotions, your significant relationships? This isn't to cast blame or to find fault, but to identify the areas of our lives that need to be healed and placed in order for God's glory.

Note: adult children from controlling households know the difference between over-control and simply "not getting their way." Comments that accuse or somehow suggest that the child is merely rebellious or restricted  or prohibited from doing "what they want" are not helpful or edifying and will be deleted.

Counterfeit Patriarchy

Is patriarchy God's plan for believers?

I received the following message yesterday and the author, Rachel Ramer, gave me permission to share it. She writes,

hought you might like this quote. In rereading some of the material from the Ministries of Pastoral Care, written by Leanne Payne, I came across this quote that describes one of the problems of patriarchy. When she refers to the "bent position" she connects that with [C.S.] Lewis' reference to earth as the "bent" planet in his space trilogy as a metaphor for sin.

She refers to the verse in Gen. 3:16 "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing...your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." She sees this as part of the curse, of being bent towards another person in an unhealthy way. She states:

    "Woman is bent toward man by reason of the Fall, and wants to find her identity
in him. I saw also that while the secular world pushes woman towards finding her identity in herself as sex object, the popular teachings in the Church, equally mistaken, encourage woman to find her identity in her roles as wife and mother rather than in her status as a person in Christ, a daughter complete in Him...I also saw that in woman's redemption there is healing of this bent position. 

"Women often have difficulty coming into the freedom of the vertical position in  Christ because they've either been miss-taught the Scriptures on submission of
women or have misunderstood them. The gender drive in women, that of the strong natural need and desire to respond to the male, can lead her into the bondage of the 'bent' position toward him. She may be expecting the man she loves to tell her who she is, to give to her a sense of wholeness and identity. This, of course, he cannot do." (from The Healing Presence pp. 64-66)

The main problem of the type of patriarchy we have been discussing is that it does the very thing it should not do. It reinforces the "bent" destructive tendency and attempts to replace God with man. Instead men should model for women how to not be bent towards others, to hear direct from God, and to have a strong sense of self. Instead of promoting a "biblical" view, patriarchy reinforces the curse for women and hinders freedom in Christ and healthy relationships.

end message

___________

But what is patriarchy?

Traditional marriage vows proclaim, "What God has joined together..." This implies a coupling, a side by side serving of God and sharing of life. "Yoke" means to "couple or join together." Many apply Paul's words in 2 Corinthians ("do not be unequally yoked") to marriage between believers and unbelievers. Yet to use this analogy further, consider the basis for this illustration which is the yoking of oxen: to have two separate beings working in unity, side by side for one purpose, with combined strength for greater effectiveness. If one were to pull ahead or lag behind consistently they would be unequally yoked and their work hampered.

When Christians are unequally yoked in marriage through hierarchal relationships we see the fruits of the Fall as shown in Genesis 3 and  the inevitable establishment of what I call a "counterfeit patriarchy."

patriarchy Date: 1632 1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power

2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy

This "large share of power" is what Jesus decried in Matthew 23: "But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." John the Baptist wrote, "He must increase, but I must decrease." And this attitude of exalting God and pursuing humility is diametrically opposed to modern biblical patriarchy, which is a growing movement within reformed Christianity that looks and sounds biblically correct but induces serious ramifications. It is a system that can't help but to "biblically" sanction the behaviors of those prone to authoritarian tendencies. It protects those who would abuse their authority while leaving those under care defenseless, stripping them even of biblical appeal.

True Biblical Patriarchy

This doesn't mean that there isn't an actual, truly bible-based patriarchy. While we can make a case for others, only these are specifically listed as patriarchs in the Bible: Abraham, the twelve sons of Jacob, and  David. Genesis 17 suggests what a patriarch is, and Who grants this privilege:

“As for Me, behold, My covenant is with you, and you shall be a father of many nations. No longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you a father of many nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful; and I will make nations of you, and kings shall come from you." Genesis 17:4-6

These words are from God to Abraham ~ not a promise for every man for all of time. But we do have a clear word that applies to all of us! In a beautiful fulfilling of Almighty's word, the last patriarch mentioned in Scripture, King David, became the forefather of another King who said,

Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 

With this, Jesus proclaims the One who is our Patriarch! He is our Source, our Head; furthermore, after this saying, there are no new patriarchs in the Bible. On the contrary, we see Jesus' call to abandon titles and to take up the cross! We are called to be humble servants. And called to be like children. Jesus proclaimed that unless one becomes “converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven...Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand, Jesus preached...

...but counterfeit patriarchy seeks to establish kingdoms of the earth.

Neo-patriarchy

Other than the Fathership of God, I believe that modern biblical patriarchy is not God's plan for believers and is a worldly institution. It is came as a result of the Fall, and yet, instead of reaching through Christ's redemption for what God originally designed, this neo-patriarchy works very hard to sew up the veil ripped by God on the day Jesus was crucified. Remember ~ the biblical patriarchs of old were made so by God for His purposes. What happens when individuals seek to be patriarchs on their own?

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.  This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3 (emphasis added)

The fruits of neo-patriarchy have left scars on the hearts of many seeking to know God, to hear His voice,  to walk in obedience to His calling. Yet there is healing both for those who endure the sin and for those who commit the sins of partiality and lack of mercy and authoritarianism! Micah reminds us,

      He has shown you, O man, what is good;

      And what does the LORD require of you

      But to do justly,

      To love mercy,

      And to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

If true biblical patriarchy is found in the Fathership of God, what does that make those who seek it for themselves?

Now Available! Quivering Daughters

 

I am thrilled to announce that  

Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy 

is now available online at  

Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com! 

The listings aren't complete and will be updated over the next several days, so please click the links to arrive directly. Thank you so much for your support, prayers, and encouragement over the past year and more; I pray that this book will be a blessing in your life! 

*Note*

If you do not care to purchase online, the book can be ordered in-store at Barnes and Noble.

• ISBN-10: 0984468609
• ISBN-13: 9780984468607

Why I am Still a Christian

couple of similar comments were left recently that I wanted to address in a post:

"Without trying to be antagonistic, I am curious why so many have continued in the christian religion after their experiences with it. I was raised as a strong Protestant, and had spent years studying the Bible and Christian theology, but subsequent to my experiences with a man who controlled his daughter/family to the point of ruining a relationship, I realized that trying to pick and choose which parts of Christianity gave birth to it was impossible. So, I am interested why so many here are moving forward with that intent." (From Commandments of Men | New Blog)

and

"Not to join in the mutual misery society, but having likewise been through a failed relationship with a girl because of her father and her refusal to actually commit...similar to many of the details that "Lewis" has shared...I have one question: Why do any of you continue to be christian? Once I learned what the end result was, I washed my hands of it all; and I'm curious why so many of you who have been through similar situations continue in the very ideology that gave birth to the abuse." (From When You Love a Daughter of Patriarchy.)

I am so sorry for the pain that you've been through. I believe that God weeps with you at the injustice and sorrow that you've witnessed and experienced; even though I don't know the precise details within your situations He did speak strongly about those who cause His children to stumble. 

Speaking for myself, separating God from man (including man's actions, beliefs, lifestyles, etc.) and separating God from the man-made religion of Christianity was a vital part of healing and continuing in the Faith. Ultimately it required taking certain people and ideas off of a pedestal and allowing God to shatter all the false ideas I held onto, including lies about myself and a misunderstanding of His nature, and replace them with truth.

I can follow a God who hates authoritarianism, who prizes mercy over judgment, who values person over doctrine. For me, it's a matter of realizing that humans (including myself) are fallen creatures and that I can look to no one except God for truth and righteousness. This also helps me have grace and mercy, forgiveness, honor and love for those who continue these practices, knowing that as a human, I too make mistakes, cause pain, and am no better, more enlightened, or more worthy than anyone else. I can't blame God for the actions of man, even when those things might be done in His name. I am actually thankful, for in my own life it forced me to seek Him myself and work out my own salvation with fear and trembling.  The Lord called me, healed me, and set my feet upon the narrow path...it is my joy to serve Him however I can.

I'd love to hear from others, both Christian and those who have left the faith due to abuses of patriarchalism, authoritarianism, and fundamentalism. If you are a Christian, why, and how have you remained so or become so? And if you've left the faith, why, and what would it take to come back?

In other words, why have you kept the faith despite spiritual abuse?