Garments of Salvation

By Eric M. Pazdziora

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?”

—Jesus (Matthew 6:28-30, NIV)

Why do we worry about clothes? Ever since Adam and Eve’s sin made them ashamed of their nakedness, there’s something about the subject of clothing that makes people a little tetchy. Just ask, “Is it OK to wear this?” and everybody will chime in with an opinion until you’re too dizzy to care.

Jesus, of course, was talking to people who were worried about whether they’d be able to get any clothes at all, helping them remember God’s faithfulness to provide. Lots of other things make people worried about clothes, though. Am I overdressed? Am I underdressed? Is this tie too geeky? Will that skirt be too chilly? Is this too revealing? Will that cause a brother to stumble, or will he stumble on his own? Why exactly is it so horrible to wear white after Labor Day? And of course the all-time classic: Does this make me look fat?

Living under a system of rules is a great recipe for worry. Especially religious rules: if you have to do the right thing to glorify God, what if you do the wrong thing? Yet most Bible teachings about clothing are crammed with moralistic, rules-based readings of Scripture, especially once they get to “modesty.” I think we’ve missed the point.

Just As You Received Christ...

by Eric M. Pazdziora

Suppose you asked someone what the Gospel is: how does a person receive salvation in Christ?

How would you respond if the answer was...

“The Gospel is the good news that we have to keep all of God’s Laws and rules, because there’s no salvation apart from trying hard to do good things. By really making an effort to live up to the Bible’s teachings and principles, we can become good enough for Jesus to save us. Salvation is the reward you get for living a godly life, being devout, and having good values and morals. You won’t be saved if you don’t do enough good things. If you’re good enough and totally committed to the Lord, you’ll be saved and make it to heaven, maybe.”

When the Formula Fails, Part Two | Guest Post

 by David Orrison

In spite of all of these possibilities of coincidental or limited success, and in spite of the effective marketing techniques, spiritual formulas simply don’t work. They don’t work because the Lord resists them. The Scripture is quite clear that the Lord wants His people to draw their hope from their relationship with Him, rather than from their formulas.

     When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden, their intent was simply to become wise like God. They were not rebelling and they were not setting themselves against God. Instead, they were seeking a way to better themselves apart from God. They would eat of the fruit and become wise. It was the first formula, if you will.

     “Truly, this only I have found: That God made man upright, but they have sought out many schemes.” Ecclesiastes 7:29 (NKJV)

     The schemes which God resists are usually set in the context of the wicked, but it is also clear that God resists the attempts of His own people to manipulate or control Him and, as in the case of Adam and Eve, considers those attempts sinful.

     “Woe to the rebellious children,” says the LORD, “Who take counsel, but not of Me, and who devise plans, but not of My Spirit, that they may add sin to sin” Isaiah 30:1 (NKJV)

Why Formulas Don’t Work
 

     God considers it sin when we “devise plans” to manipulate Him. It is not sin for us to seek good things or to do those things which He counsels, of course, but it is sin when we think that a formula will guarantee certain spiritual results. It is an affront to the Person of God. He is not a machine that can be programmed, nor a slave that can be ordered. He is a Person wise and wonderful beyond our comprehension.

     “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8 - 9 (NKJV)

     In order to stop Adam and Eve from reaching out to the Tree of Life and, presumably, attributing that life to their newfound wisdom, God cast them out of the Garden. They would have to learn, through struggle and pain, that their ways were insufficient even to provide for their needs.

     “He frustrates the devices of the crafty, so that their hands cannot carry out their plans. He catches the wise in their own craftiness, and the counsel of the cunning comes quickly upon them.” Job 5:12 - 13 (NKJV)

     It is the plan of God that we live dependent on Him. Our spirituality is a gift from His hand, the result of His love for those who live in relationship with Him. The “good and faithful servant” will not be the one who has applied the most successful formulas for his life. He will be the one who has walked with the Lord in love. We were not designed to live by formulas, but by relationship with Him. So He sets Himself against our formulas. We learn that there must be something more.

     I returned and saw under the sun that — the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to men of understanding, nor favor to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all. Ecclesiastes 9:11 (NKJV)

     The unpredictability of the mind of God may appear as “time and chance” to those who desire formulas, but love is His motivation and wisdom is His tool. If we limit the progress of our lives to that which we can understand and further limit it to that which we can manage by our formulas, our lives will be far less than what God has in mind for us. His ways and His love may be unpredictable, but they will always provide greater results than our own.

     It is commonly taught, among those who desire formulas, that we must become righteous or blameless in order to please Him. The Law of the Old Testament appears to motivate us toward righteousness so that we can avoid the wrath of God. But it is obviously not our righteousness that pleases Him.

     “But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags” Isaiah 64:6 (NKJV)

     All our formulas can do is make us look better than we were, or perhaps better than others. It does not please the Lord for us to seek to manipulate Him. Nor does it please Him for us to try to make ourselves righteous.

     “Can a man be profitable to God, though he who is wise may be profitable to himself? Is it any pleasure to the Almighty that you are righteous? Or is it gain to Him that you make your ways blameless?” Job 22:2 - 3 (NKJV)

     The only righteousness we have comes to us through our relationship with Jesus Christ. It is His and He freely gives it to us. This is what it means to be a Christian. All that we are derives from Who He is. He is good and, in Him, we are good. He is holy and, in Him, we are holy. The progress of our lives, our spiritual growth, comes to us as we walk with Him.

So What Do We Do?

     So what do we do when we realize that the formulas don’t work? What is left when we understand that we can’t manipulate our future or the future of our children? What do we have when everything we have tried fails? We have a real and active Person who loves us!

     It is the plan of God that His people would live in active relationship with Him. He wants us to know Him and trust Him and love Him. He will take care of the rest. He knows that we love our children and we want the best for them. He knows the fear we face in our lives. He knows, He understands, and He loves us.

     Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

     Our purpose is to know Him and enjoy Him, to delight in Him. From that will come all the good things of life. He will still be unpredictable, but we will be in wonder of His workings and His love.

     Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4 (NKJV)

     It is possible, of course, to take even these relationship concepts and make them into formulas. If I just trust Him enough or delight in Him enough, then God will bless me, someone may reason. But the point of these passages is not to focus on the action but on the Object. It is the Lord in Whom we should trust and delight. Our focus must be on Him and not on our performance.

     The formulas cannot save, nor can they create spiritual progress. Spiritual formulas will never make anyone more righteous or more acceptable to God. So set them aside and turn to Jesus. Turn to the One who loves you and has promised to care for you. Learn to walk with Him who has given us all good things.

     Thus says the LORD: “Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, let not the mighty man glory in his might, nor let the rich man glory in his riches; but let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me.” Jeremiah 9:23 - 24 (NKJV)

___________________________

     You have come to the end of yourself. You sit by the wall with no more hope. You have tried it all; the formulas, the seminars, the books, the prescribed solutions. Nothing has worked. There is nothing more to do.

     Suddenly a bright light is there in the tunnel. Jesus has come to you in your need. He reaches out His hand and you take it. He says simply, “Walk with Me.”

     In His presence you are overwhelmed by His love and kindness. You feel no fear, no shame, and no frustration. All that you ever wanted in life is right there in Him. As you walk you begin to see a light ahead of you. Puzzled, you turn and see the wall behind you. All the evidence of your effort is gone and you realize that you are on the other side of the wall. The goal of your life has been accomplished.

     When you turn to Him and ask Him how this is possible, He says, “Don’t you know that I can walk through walls?”

___________

David Orrison has been a pastor for over 30 years with a sincere desire to help people know the love and grace of the Lord Jesus.  He holds a PhD in Theology from Trinity Seminary.  He has worked with pastors and other church leaders who have been discouraged by the expectations and failures of ministry.  He has also helped parents, spouses, and young people who have been hurt by the legalistic teaching of what he calls, “performance spirituality.”  His website, www.gracefortheheart.org, and blog, http://graceformyheart.wordpress.com, have been sources of encouragement and teaching for many.  He is available for speaking engagements as well.  He and his wife, Alice, have eight sons and live in Colorado. 

Turn Your Eyes Upon...

By Eric M. Pazdziora

funny thing happens when you spend time with someone. When I was in college, I studied music with a composer named Edwin Childs. I had several classes and weekly lessons with him, absorbing as much knowledge as I possibly could. Music theory, harmony, counterpoint, hymnology, you name it.

One day when I was home for summer break, my dad looked at me quizzically and asked why I wasn’t unbending two fingers on my left hand. I didn’t realize I’d been doing anything of the sort. Then it hit me. A few years before I met him, Dr. Childs had had a severe injury that left him partly paralyzed on the left side. I thought I was only learning music, but without any effort or even realization, I’d unconsciously picked up my teacher’s physical mannerism.

When you spend time with someone, you tend to become like them.

A lot of people miss this truth when it comes to the Christian life. They see in the Scriptures that living for Jesus entails that we avoid things like sin and worldliness—which it does—so they fixate on avoiding things like sin and worldliness.

That’s a problem.

Don’t get me wrong; I certainly don’t like worldliness or sin. I just wonder if they’re worth so much attention. Consider this often-quoted verse:

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8, NASB).

When you look at this for what it says, you see that it’s stated in purely positive terms—“Think about good things,” full stop. Yet so often, people preach, “Don’t look at W and X and Y and Z because they’re worldly and sinful, and Philippians 4:8 says not to—” It doesn’t say not to do anything. Rather, it encourages us to think about things that are like Jesus. That’s all.

It’s not that we should go out and fill our minds with sin or lies or obscenity or whatever. But we have a choice what to dwell on—Jesus, or something else. Avoiding sin and worldliness counts as something else. If you focus on Jesus, you’ll become like Jesus; if you focus on worldliness—even in order to avoid it—you’ll become worldly.

Take the doctrine of separatism, for example. Some people teach that, if worldliness is so bad, we should divide ourselves completely from it and take ourselves out of the world altogether! No more ungodly influences, no corrupt entertainment, no secular music, no sinful friends… what could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, you could find out that the Bible calls you worldly:

[The apostles] said to you, “In the last time there will be scoffers, following their own ungodly passions.” It is these who cause divisions, worldly people, devoid of the Spirit. (Jude 18-19, ESV)

He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom. (Proverbs 18:1)

The King James translation of Jude is even more pointed: “These be they who separate themselves” (v. 19). According to the Scripture, separating yourself from worldly people is a worldly thing to do.

The problem is that separatists may have filtered themselves from a few nagging gnat-like sins, but not from camels like elitism, selfishness, and pride. Are you really so much better than all those sinful people, or are you a sinner yourself? Is your own spiritual state more important than other people’s, or do they need to be shown God’s grace and love just as much as you do?

But doesn’t Paul write in the New Testament to “come out from among them and be separate” and “be not unequally yoked” and “touch not the unclean thing”? Indeed he does. But that has to be considered with the rest of what he has to say:

I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. (1 Corinthians 5:9-10, NASB)

To Paul, it’s self-evident that believers should associate with people in “the world,” even immoral ones, greedy ones, crooks, and idolaters. Otherwise, he concludes in what’s evidently meant as a punch line, the result would be absurd—you’d have to go out of the world! Clearly, you can separate yourself from sin without having to separate yourself from sinners.

When we look to Jesus, all this suddenly becomes clearer and simpler. Jesus, who Himself was known derisively as “a friend of sinners,” prayed this for His followers:

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. (John 17:15)

Lord, deliver us from sin, not from sinners. Deliver us from evil, not from evildoers.

Other attempts to avoid sin and worldliness fall just as flat. Some people make rules and laws and guidelines about sin to get as far from it as possible and to appear as godly as possible. Some people in the New Testament tried that, too. They called themselves the P’rushim, the Separated Ones—Pharisees, in English. Jesus wasn’t impressed. He called them hypocrites.

What did Jesus have against rules-based religion? He recognized that paying attention to rules about what we should do or shouldn’t do in this world takes our attention away from things we might do spiritually—loving God, loving our neighbors, stuff like that.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!” (Matthew 23:23-24)

The Pharisees’ rules were fastidious about small things—even tithing mint and spices—but they missed what God was all about. Their preoccupation with avoiding little sins turned them into bigger sinners.

The sad irony is that all this fixation on avoiding worldly things, for all its appearances of piety, is not a good way to keep from being fixated on worldly things. A legalist can be just as obsessed with worldly pursuits (by trying to avoid them) as a libertine is. Not only does legalism not make you godly, it doesn’t even keep you from being worldly.

Paul writes to the Colossians in prose that crackles like fire:

So if, through your faith in Christ, you are dead to the principles of this world’s life, why, as if you were still part and parcel of this world-wide system, do you take the slightest notice of these purely human prohibitions­—“Don’t touch this,” “Don’t taste that,” and “Don’t handle the other”? “This”, “that” and “the other” will all pass away after use! I know that these regulations look wise with their self-inspired efforts at piety, their policy of self-humbling, and their studied neglect of the body. But in actual practice they are of no moral value, but simply pamper the flesh.

If then you are raised up with Christ, reach out for the highest gifts of Heaven, where Christ reigns in power. Be concerned with the heavenly things, not with the passing things of earth. For, as far as this world is concerned, you are already dead, and your true life is a hidden one in God, through Christ. One day, Christ, who is your life, will show himself openly, and you will all share in that magnificent revelation.

(Colossians 2:20-3:4, Phillips)

The message of Christianity is not “Worldliness is bad.” It’s “Jesus is Lord.”

It’s not “Try not to sin.” It’s “Think about Jesus.”

When you look to Jesus, you see that your urges to sin are suppressed on their own. When you look to Jesus, you see peace, love, joy, freedom, better than anything in the world. When you look to Jesus, you see you don’t need any worldly pseudo-religious substitutes for closeness to Him. When you look to Jesus, you see that in Him you are already dead to the world. When you look to Jesus, you see that in Him you are already alive.

When you spend time with someone, you tend to become like them.

Spend time fretting about all the problems of sin and worldliness, and you may become just as sinful and worldly as those things. Spend time focusing on Jesus and all His goodness, grace, and love, and you’ll start to become like Him. Maybe without even knowing it.

[Image Source]

Eric M. Pazdziora is a composer, editor, writer, and songwriter. He lives in Chicago with his wife Carrie. Information about his new CD of original hymns about grace, "New Creation," is available from his website at ericpazdziora.com.

When the Formula Fails, Part One | Guest Post

by David Orrison
Imagine yourself in a tunnel facing a wall that appears to seal off the tunnel. Your goal is to get through the tunnel to the other side but the wall is in your way. Fortunately, you have learned that the wall moves as you push it. You begin to push the wall down the tunnel, making progress that provides hope for your goal. However, as you progress, the wall gathers dirt behind it and becomes more and more difficult to push.

     Soon you reach the place where the wall no longer moves. What do you do? You try pushing harder and the wall moves a little. In frustration, you look around and see a little room off the side of the tunnel. The room is a classroom and there are people in the classroom learning techniques for moving the wall. You sit in for a while and then try some of the techniques. Amazingly, they work… for a while. Then the wall stops again.

     About this time you see a television screen on the side of the tunnel. It shows people who are successfully moving their walls. They are making progress; why aren’t you? You watch carefully to learn their techniques and then you go back and try again. Again, the wall moves a little, but stops.

     Finally, there seems to be nothing more you can do. You have tried all the techniques, more than once, and you have certainly tried harder. You’ve run at the wall to hit it, but you just got hurt. You’ve attended classes and seminars, large and small. You’ve read books, watched videos, and heard testimonies of how others have been successful. You’ve done everything you were supposed to do and more but the wall no longer moves. Now what?

Formula Spirituality

     This seems to describe the Christian life for many people. They want to see progress. They believe that progress is possible. They want a happy life, good kids, little conflict; all the reasonable desires of life. They also want to know that God is pleased with them and will not be angry. They have been taught that there are ways to accomplish these things if they just work hard. The Christian life for them is work and progress is made through techniques and superior effort.

     I have come to call this “formula spirituality”. The right formula promises spiritual progress. A formula is simply a technique or method that offers certain results. Like taking copper and tin in the right combination and process to make the much stronger and more durable bronze. If you want bronze, you have to use this formula. You might mix flour, sugar, and other ingredients in specified proportions to get Grandma’s Sugar Cookies. You could use another recipe/formula, but you wouldn’t get Grandma’s Sugar Cookies. Certain results require certain formulas.

     A “spiritual formula” is much the same. There are those who teach that spiritual objectives are reached by certain formulas. If a wife wants a happy relationship with her husband, she must be submissive to him according to a certain formula. If you want good children, there are certain things you must do. If you want God to love you, all you have to do is these five basic steps. The Christian life, with all of its parts, is reduced to formulas.

     But why use a formula? Why not just live your life trusting God for the results? The advantage of a formula is that the results are supposed to be guaranteed. If the formula has been used successfully, the reasoning goes, the results can be reproduced successfully. Stick to the formula, do it right, and the desired results will – must – follow.

     Using a formula in our spiritual life is desirable to many people because of the “cause and effect” rule. Certain causes bring certain effects. Why leave anything to chance? Instead, work the formula and guarantee the results. The formula is certainly the dream of a parent, a person looking for a job, or a concerned marriage partner. If I just do these certain things (work the formula) then the results I hope for must come about.

     In a sense, the formula is designed to control even God. God is locked into the cause and effect process by the formula. Rather than risk His unwillingness to answer our prayers our way, we use the formulas to assure His compliance. A certain number of prayers, a certain posture in prayer, and certain words in prayers have all been part of formulas that Christians have used to try to manipulate God. Perhaps a certain amount or kind of service, certain activities or avoidance of certain activities, or even paying tithes or offerings could be part of formulas used in this way. The formula can be the way around the unpredictable will of God.

Do Spiritual Formulas Work?

All of this begs the question: Do the spiritual formulas work? The answer is yes… and no. Formulas work in the same way that the lottery works. Sometimes the person using the formula gets the results he or she wants. Not always, of course, but enough to keep the concept of using formulas alive. If no one ever won the lottery, if gambling never paid off, people wouldn’t play. If the formulas could never be connected with success, no one would be tempted to use them. But there are just enough “success stories” to keep people working at the formulas.

I Love Homeschooling, Quiverfull Families!

by Hillary McFarland

Happy Monday! I'd like to take a few moments to address a few issues that continue to appear despite my ever-growing list of FAQs and disclaimers (::understanding smile::).

This post today is simply for the record . . .

I love big families!

(And small ones, too!)

     I have never suggested that “being quiverfull” is wrong, even when I might personally disagree with some of the positions promoted by quiverfull advocates. I have spoken quite frankly about the serious struggles that many quiverfull daughters face. I believe that healthy parents will consider the emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological needs of their brothers and sisters in Christ who happen to be loaned to them, by God, in the form of sons and daughters. Acknowledging, addressing, and freely discussing the reality of many quiverfull daughters is not mutually exclusive with this, nor should it be perceived as a judgment upon those with a full-quiver conviction. (Quiverfull daughters are people, too!)

     I am a HUGE fan of homeschooling and support 100% a parent's option to school their children at home...or elsewhere, as the Lord leads. I do not believe that home education is the only option for a godly parent, but that individual families are free to seek the Lord for what is appropriate for their children.
     In addition, nowhere do I condemn godly authority. I wholly, passionately, and profusely condemn the evil that is authoritarianism: the abuse or misuse of authority, or “authority gone bad” as succinctly stated by guest poster Jim Karpowitz. I believe that authoritarianism is completely contrary to the life, teachings, and ministry of Jesus Christ, therefore unbiblical and sinful. However, addressing the fruits of abuse does not mean there is no love, grace, forgiveness or restoration for those who have (nearly always with good intentions) cultivated them. God so loved the world, and the world includes Pharisees and sinners and parents and daughters. It is to the daughters of patriarchy that the Lord has called me.   

An Abusive System

     Those who think I am “attacking” homeschoolers, Quiverfull families, or even “patriarchy”, have completely missed the point of everything I write. It's true that women from lifestyles which promote these conservative principles belong in the niche where God has called me, but my goal is not to get people to stop “being conservative”  (i.e., to wear pants, stop homeschooling, use family planning, go to college,  move away from home, etc.) even if my convictions differ. I'm not trying to foist my own ideas of living onto others, but to address a system of belief that places stumbling blocks before children. To look at fruits produced in the lives of aching women. To question the practice of a paradigm that hurts people...and minister to those wounded because of it. Pretending or wishing that women (and men) struggling with the fruits of “godly” lifestyles don't exist, are rare (or worse, merely dismissing them as rebellious) dismisses and denies Jesus! Although quivering daughters are hardly the least among us, ‘...Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ (Matthew 25:40) 

Peace

     The Book of Jude reveals an intriguing verse: Yet Michael the archangel, in contending with the devil, when he disputed about the body of Moses, dared not bring against him a reviling accusation, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!” While I certainly do not equate myself with the archangel, nor those who perpetuate destructive practices as the devil, I believe this principle applies to me and my work. Who am I to revile or accuse, even within dispute? While this website, my book, the articles I post, and my calling deal with sensitive and controversial topics, it is not of my heart to create more division. I care about truth, not sensationalism. I cannot shy away from these serious issues, but pray always that I address them with grace. Although I cry out against abuse, it isn't my desire to attack or condemn persons with whom I might disagree.

     In the Bible, Jesus was not afraid to identify Pharisees, rulers, and authoritarian leaders using strong language. In fact, He even addressed Peter, His disciple, as “Satan”. I believe that all people are created in God's image and are loved by Him, including those who abuse the truth. He offers grace, forgiveness, and mercy to all. Sometimes it is necessary to identify or discuss public figures, teachers, and ministries to illustrate specific lifestyles or beliefs, but I believe this can be done in love. Speaking against sin glorifies God and proclaims Him to those wounded in His name.

     This chapter in Romans conveys my thoughts better than I. Please understand the reasons I've paraphrased the end:

...Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.

He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks... But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written: “As I live, says the LORD, Every knee shall bow to Me, And every tongue shall confess to God.”

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way.

I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. Yet if your brother daughter is grieved because of your food, dismissal of her feelings you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food convictions the one for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil;  for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, homeschooling, quiverfull, courtship, dating, or public-schooling, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. wearing dresses only or condemning those who wear head-coverings. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats places his lifestyle over the future of his children, or their physical, emotional, and spiritual life, with offense. It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine lecture for hours, reject, abuse authority, excommunicate, humiliate, shame, nor do anything by which your brother daughter stumbles or is offended or is made weak.

Do you have faith? Have it to yourself (not necessarily to your adult children or other Christians) before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin. (from Romans 14, NKJV)

I Mean This Gently...

To be honest, I don't care if someone chooses to “be patriarchal”. I do care when someone's practice of patriarchy misrepresents the heart of God to a desperate young woman. 

I'm thrilled when families seek to follow God and live a biblical life; I grieve when women slice their arms with razors because they never measure up to the “godly” ideal required of them. 

I rejoice when parents seek to discern God's will for their families. I grow angry when a woman is told that God only speaks to her through her father or husband.

I love that earnest families teach Scripture to their children. My soul aches when a woman suffers through depression and shame because verses were twisted and used against her.

I don't care whether a family has two children or if there are nearly twenty, like Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar. But I do care, very much, when daughters yearn to be noticed and loved for who they are, not for what they do.

I don't take issue with a full-quiver lifestyle, but I do believe it is a serious mistake to view one's family, for all practical purposes, as collection of children, rather than investing time into understanding intimate needs, differences, and personhood of each special person within it. This includes all the different personalities, dietary needs, weaknesses and strengths, interests, fears, desires, even methods of discipline for each child. This doesn't mean that all quiverfull families do this, but it is common among many of them.

I don't discourage living out convictions but I weep when women dream about killing themselves because God and their parents never seem pleased with them. 

The Bottom Line

     Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. I talk about this often. Yet Scripture admonishes us to not use liberty as a cloak for vice, but through love to serve one another. It's easy to think of vice in terms of worldliness, of rebellion, of irreverence and dishonor. What if, sometimes, vice looks holy?
     The Bible encourages us to use our liberty for good, to love and serve others with it. “Love your neighbor,” says Jesus. Who is your neighbor? Perhaps your closest neighbors are those within your own household. Perhaps it is your oldest child who is exhausted due to all the responsibilities and expectations placed on her because she must be the example of perfect, godly daughterhood to all her younger sisters. Perhaps it is your middle daughter who feels as though she has no place and cannot measure up to standard. Or maybe the youngest, who has plenty of examples held up to her, and yet seems to fail at each one.  

     Use your liberty in Christ to make wise choices regarding each individual precious child, seeking their well-being, not as a cloak to dismiss their thoughts and feelings or to control their every move; not as a blanket to home-school them or public-school them when other options would be better. Not as a cloak to conceal bad fruit from destructive doctrine or heartache. Not as a covering to misuse your authority. Use the freedom Christ gives you to serve your neighbors! To encourage them, to give them life and to be at peace!

     You see, making these issues “either / or”, “us versus them” and “black and white” continues to widen the gaps and create division within the body of Christ. Let's not make it a choice of “us” or “them”...choose to follow Jesus! Let's not force ourselves into “either / or”...choose love! Let's not live in black and white. Liberty isn't in black and white. Nor even is it in gray...I believe that freedom in Christ is found in red, in the blood He shed for us.
     Can we walk in red? For our families? Our husbands and children? For our neighbors?
     Can we live in red?

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian

by Eric M. Pazdziora

here’s this sermon I’ve heard a few dozen times. You’ve probably heard it too. It goes like this. Some Christians are really passionate and sold out for the Lord. They do great things. They live ri­ghteously. They don’t do anything that could be considered worldly. They only listen to Christian music. They have biblical family values. They’re on fire.

And others? Well, they’re “lukewarm Christians.” Sure, they say they believe, but they’re not that committed. They show up in church to warm the pews, but they still do worldly things. You should see the way they dress and those movies and music they listen to! If only they knew all the right things to do so they could be on fire like us. Jesus says, “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth” (Rev. 3:16). That, strong children, is why you have to be on fire for the Lord. Let us pray.

Obviously, I can’t object to an exhortation to be more committed to the Lord, and I dislike “easy-believe-ism” as much as the next disillusioned evangelical does. But if you know about Spiritual Abuse, you recognize a few other all-too-familiar themes lurking in the subtext.

There’s a strong temptation to elitism there—you want to be better than all those “lukewarm” folks, don’t you? Legalism’s waiting to pounce, too; it blends in perfectly as long as you define “On fire” as “Doing our things” and “Worldly” as “Not.” All that’s left is for us to spin “I will spit you out of my mouth” as “You might be eternally lost if you don’t do our thing” and we’re practically in cult territory.

But it’s biblical, right? It even has a Bible verse in it, and you can find dozens of people interpreting that verse in exactly that way, pretty much that same sermon, even. Tweak the applications a bit and it’s good for weeks.

Well, there’s one tiny problem: That’s not what that Bible verse means. Actually, it means pretty much the opposite.

Yes, Jesus says He doesn’t like it if you’re “lukewarm.” Yes, Jesus says “I will spit you out of my mouth,” and yes, it’s true (as you’ve probably heard) that that refers to puking. But what makes Jesus want to vomit? Is it really people who claim to follow Him and still (horrors!) watch PG-13 movies with wizards in them? Is it people who claim to follow Him but are just pew-warmers?

Or is it something different? Not just a different token “worldly” action, but a completely different way of thinking about your relationship to the Lord?

The answer, like the answers to most things, is found in context. The context here is the opening chapters of the book of Revelation, that is, the part that you don’t need an advanced degree in theology or screenwriting to interpret. John records letters from Jesus to seven churches in Asia Minor, at once pointing out their sins and shortcomings and encouraging them to stand firm in what faith they have. It’s dynamite stuff; I wish I had time to expound all of it.

The letter with the “lukewarm” verse is the seventh and last, addressed to the church in Laodicea. It begins like this:

¹⁴ “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this: ¹⁵ ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.

Already this is a bit confusing, given the standard interpretation. If the “hot” people are those who are “on fire” for the Lord, then the “cold” people must be… atheists? Flagrant sinners? Crooked politicians? Richard Dawkins and his merry band of infidels? Could be, but then why does Jesus say “I wish you were cold or hot” like they’re both equally good? Surely He doesn’t consider it the same to be on fire for Him and stone-cold against Him?

¹⁶ ‘So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

That bit we know. Jesus doesn’t like lukewarm beverages. He spits them out. Insipidity, something that’s the same temperature as the room, doesn’t do it for Him.

That’s obviously a metaphor for something (unless you’re a hyper-literalist and think that Jesus drinks people). Yet there’s no mention of the behaviors we’re often told are “worldly.” Is Jesus speaking in riddles, or will He explain what He means? What’s the difference between “hot” and “cold”? What makes a person “lukewarm”?

The next verse tells us. Specifically. It even starts with “Because” so we won’t miss that it’s connected. Here’s why Jesus gets nauseated by “lukewarm” believers:

¹⁷ ‘Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked…

Oh.

Well, that’s not what they told us it meant.

The “lukewarm” people Jesus is criticizing think they have it all together, but they don’t. They think they are rich when they are actually poor; they think they can see when they are really blind; they think they need nothing when they are living on the streets. They have the worst of both worlds—all the smugness of wealth and all the neediness of poverty. They need help, but they think they’re well off.

This makes the rest of Jesus’ metaphor perfectly clear. “Lukewarm,” obviously, means a mixture of hot and cold, producing something bland and tepid. The Laodicean church combined feelings of passion for the Lord (hot) with the condition of being apart from the Lord (cold). The result is horrible: people in spiritual need who can’t recognize it because they think they’re doing great.

“Lukewarm” means “self-righteous.”

A “lukewarm Christian” is not somebody who claims to follow Jesus but also does worldly things. It’s somebody who says “I don’t do worldly things, so I’m living in God’s will.”

A “lukewarm Christian” is not somebody who claims to follow Jesus but only shows up on Sundays. It’s somebody who says, “God must be pleased with my devoted church attendance.”

A “lukewarm Christian” is not somebody who doesn’t have a quiver full of children. It’s somebody who says, “I have biblical family values, so I’m more sold out to the Lord than those feminists are.”

Lukewarm Christians are satisfied in themselves. Lukewarm Christians are proud of their spiritual commitment and pleased with all that they do for the Lord. Lukewarm Christians believe that they are living the right way, with all the right values, and all the right methods, and all the right works.

Except they aren’t. The fact that lukewarmness—self-righteousness—nauseates the Lord matches what He said (terrifyingly) about people who won’t make it into heaven:

“Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.’” (Matthew 7:22–23)

These people did great works for the Lord—even miracles—and thought well of themselves, but they missed their need for the Lord Himself. Jesus said, “Only one thing is needful,” and it isn’t to do great works for Him. Jesus wants us to trust Him, rest in Him, believe in Him, see our need for Him, get to know Him, let Him get to know us. That’s all one thing: it’s called Faith.

That may explain why Jesus says “I wish you were cold or hot.” If you’re “hot,” then of course you’re exactly where the Lord wants you to be—surrendering to the All-Consuming Fire. You’re seeing your need of Him and depending on Him to burn away your impurities and kindle your love.

If you’re “cold,” you’re apart from Him—and you feel it. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom before we learn to look up. As Martin Luther said, if you’re going to sin, you may as well sin boldly. None of this socially respectable stuff. Try it all, if that’s what it will take for you to see it doesn’t satisfy. When the Prodigal wound up in a pigsty, he realized how good his father really was. The sooner you get to the end of your rope, the sooner you’ll see your need to be rescued.

Being “cold” is just as good as being “hot,” from a salvific standpoint, because in both cases you’re seeing your need, insufficiency, and helplessness, and coming to depend on Jesus for His grace, forgiveness, and righteousness. The one fatal condition is to be needy while depending on your own righteousness. That’s disgusting. That will get you spit out of Jesus’ mouth. That’s lukewarm.

The point is not that we should be lazy, worldly, or half-hearted in our commitment to Jesus. The point is that there are much worse sins than laziness or worldliness. As C. S. Lewis said, “A cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.”

What’s the cure for lukewarmness? Jesus (again) tells us exactly in context. Here’s the rest of His letter:

¹⁸ ‘I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. ¹⁹ ‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent. ²⁰ ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. ²¹ ‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. ²² ‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

The answer is to look to Jesus. It’s to see your need and see that only Jesus can fill it. It’s to ask Him to give you whatever it takes to fill it, and to give up anything it takes to get it. It’s to let Jesus enrich you, cover you, heal you.

There’s hope. Jesus counts even the “lukewarm” people among “those whom I love”; otherwise He wouldn’t take the trouble to correct them. It’s never too late to repent and open the door to friendship with Christ. If you let Jesus sit down with you at your table, He’ll let you sit down with Him on His throne.

If you simply do that—if you open the door to Jesus, trust in Him, get to know Him, and let Him help you overcome your self-righteousness—then you’re not lukewarm anymore. You’re one who overcomes. You’re on fire.

Don’t let any of the lukewarm Christians tell you otherwise.

Eric M. Pazdziora is a recovering legalist, but doesn't like to boast about it. These days, he mostly writes words and music. He lives in Chicago with his beautiful wife Carrie and his spoiled cat Eloise. If you want to hear some of Eric's music or read some more articles, visit his website at ericpazdziora.com.

Sparrows Flutter

Sparrows flutter, falling

And the King of Heaven sees.

 And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tested Him, saying, 

“Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”
  He said to him, “What is written in the law? What is your reading of it?”
  So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’”  

And He said to him, “You have answered rightly; do this and you will live.” Luke 10

“We cover our heads according to first Corinthians eleven.”

I gazed at this solemn young woman, who eyed my bare locks with mournful conviction. She shifted the baby on her hip and spoke again. “I have a book you can read if you want to. It explains why people who are obedient to God cover, and God blesses them.”

I hesitated. At 12, I had only a vague concept of head-covering; most of what I'd seen was pictured in our Mennonite home-schooling curriculum. But the veiling on this new friend was very different; it reminded me of the illustrations of Mary in my mother’s King James Bible.

“Okay . . .” I said.

She sensed my hesitation. “I didn’t want to at first either.” Her voice gained strength. “But then I realized it was only my flesh, and we are called to deny ourselves. I promise you—it's worth it. I feel so much closer to God now, knowing that I am in His will and following the Bible. And knowing I'm protected helps even more.”

We stopped going to traditional church when I was eleven or so, for even they were rampant with worldliness and error. We began meeting with other families at home, and gradually moved from Sunday to Saturday as our Sabbath fellowship grew increasingly conservative.

During these gatherings, forty or fifty people milled about our modest house—not hard with all of the little ones in attendance—or ran around the farmyard. Early in the morning, my sisters and I gathered our biggest pots, monstrous cauldrons capable of bathing small children, and tediously picked through gallons of dried pinto beans to boil with onions, garlic, and spices. As people arrived, gigantic yellow bags of chips and huge blocks of cheese piled on the table. Over time, other families appeared and the studies, topics, and discussions centered more and more around Mosaic requirements, the keeping of feasts, or other traditions which encouraged biblical living. This time of fellowship was fun and enlightening, providing a break from routine; but looking back reveals how easily roots of legalism become twisted around vulnerable elements of the heart.

I both admired and envied that gentle, quiet, covered young woman. She'd married young, and secretly I wondered if she truly did have God’s special blessing for her simple dress and hidden curls. Surely He must love her more, I reasoned, since she faithfully demonstrated self-denial and unworldliness—the absolute pinnacle of virtue.

Godly—everything she was . . .
. . . and it seemed to me, everything I was not.

The Daughters of Patriarchy: Torment

Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”
Mark 10:13-15

Her name is Rifqa Bary, and she is seventeen.

"If I had stayed in Ohio, I wouldn't be alive," she said. "In 150 generations in family, no one has known Jesus. I am the first — imagine the honor in killing me.
"There is great honor in that, because if they love Allah more than me, they have to do it. It's in the Koran," said in the interview, which has been posted on YouTube.
Rifqa, who is seen wearing a large diamond cross during the interview, said she had to hide her Bible "for years," and she repeatedly "snuck out" to attend Christian prayer meetings. She referred to previous victims of so-called honor killings, in which young Muslim women were murdered for bringing dishonor to their families.
"They love God more than me, they have to do this," Bary told WFTV. "I'm fighting for my life. You guys don't understand. … I want to worship Jesus freely, that's what I want. I don't want to die."  ~ FoxNews.com

I can't help but wonder: what if young Rifqa had been told that she cannot hear from God herself, but that He communicates through her father?

What if she had been told that she is easily deceived, because she is a woman?

That she is too young to discern truth?

That God wouldn't tell her something without confirming it through her parents?

That she is rebellious? That she is wrong?

As Christians, we champion her cause and pray for her safety. And yet, what of those among us, who seek to obey the voice of God and yet become essentially ostracized for doing so?

Within fundamentalist faith, the "least of these" are the little girls ~ the little ones who grow up and become women, like us, with sorrow and sadness and pain. We might not be killed, yet our hearts wither away. We might not be beaten, but we suffer the effects of dissuasion to the call of God. We might not die, but our spirits may lack vitality. We might not be tortured, but we hide tortured souls.

Religious persecution is abuse ~ the mistreatment of a person or group based upon spiritual affiliation or belief. Jesus said:

“If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also." John 15

Jesus therefore answered and said to them, “Do not murmur among yourselves. No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day. It is written in the prophets, ‘And they shall all be taught by God.’ Therefore everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to Me."
John 6

Who hated Jesus most?

In the New Testament, the world is often characterized by religious traditions, practices, and the leaders thereof. The world is often fleshed out by legalistic religion, a religion blasphemous in nature. For a legalistic religion gives us a god we can see, touch, feel. A legalistic religion negates the need for faith. A legalistic religion provides a false sense of security, an "if / then". If I do this, then I will be more righteous. It provides a false sense of boundaries, of safety. As long as I don't do this, I am fine. It promotes rules, not relationship.

Jesus came to restore relationship and abolish rules.

Those who promote legalistic Christianity, re-creating God in the image of man, are driven by fear. Fear is the absence of faith; fear involves torment. And emotional, spiritual, psychological, and even physical torment is what many daughters of patriarchy experience as they seek to follow the gentle voice of Jesus who whispers, "Come. Rest."

"Do not quench the Spirit," warns Paul. It takes courage to step out in faith, but it brings blessing and reward from the True God, who freely gives the Holy Spirit and guides us into truth.

And He is the healer, the comforter, the life-giver, of tormented little girls.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

______
Image from foxnews.com and youtube

Spiritual Abuse in the Family

**this is an updated version of an earlier post**

Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.

—Jeff VanVonderen, co-author of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is one of the most devastating crimes committed against another human soul. Using the name of God to control the life, behavior, thoughts, and even the future of another is sin. One which, I believe, causes God to weep and rage with jealous fury.

To take His name in vain, and attach it to the doctrines of men, causes them to commit idolatry.

2 Corinthians 11:2-4 For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted—you may well put up with it!

This is no light thing, and invites the wrath of God.

Thankfully, those who have experienced horrendous spiritual abuse within churches or other religious organizations have many resources designed to facilitate recovery. Tender shepherds, ministering healing to the brokenhearted within Christendom—hearts wounded in the sanctuary designed for nourishment, rest, and growth in Christ—have a special place, I believe, in the eyes of God.

But when this occurs within our homes, what then? Is it still Spiritual Abuse? Is it still as serious? Should it be addressed, or left between each family and God? What if you are biologically bound to those in leadership? If there is no evidence of mistreatment to the physical body, is it really called abuse? What about mistreatment of the soul and spirit? How do you answer when you are still a youth, told you are too young to discern truth, and to trust your elders? When questioning is treated as rebellion? How do you respond when you are a woman?

Father, Father!
Many authoritarian and patriocentric families promote isolationist ideology in an effort to withdraw from the world. The advocation of unworldliness and Christian Separation is compelling, resulting in many well-intentioned parents who become independent from the system and society—consequently, disconnected from healthy accountability. This often includes a wholesome, established church body. Acknowledging need for Biblical study and Christian exhortation and instruction in righteousness, the head of the family becomes the sole conduit for religious growth and guidance. It is a natural progression, as left unchecked and unaccountable, the role of spiritual leader becomes exploited, and grave ramifications take root.

According to David Henke who founded the Watchman Fellowship, spiritual abuse has five distinct characteristics: authoritarianism, image consciousness, suppression of criticism, perfectionistic standards, and imbalance in belief or practice. In the context of family, these features are particularly noxious, for a godly Christian family should be a haven, a place of safety. If it is not, then Jesus has strong words for those who cause others to stumble . . . "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones." Luke 17:2

And to offend is to abuse.

Authoritarianism

Authoritarians exercise complete or almost complete control over the will of others, as well as favor complete obedience or subjection to authority as opposed to individual freedom.

In familial structure, authoritarianism happens when the parent—in patriarchal ideology, always the father—wields absolute control over his children. Thoughts, actions, decisions, desires are all subject to his will, often regardless of age. Plans for future, activities, clothing, books, even, to some extent, the food they eat, are governed by parental conviction. This may not always be carried out consistently, especially in large families—however the goal for absolute domination over the personhood of another, remains.

Many raised within an authoritarian environment—especially women—find it extremely difficult to make decisions later in life, particularly if they have been taught that their own thoughts and communication with God cannot be trusted, due to the deceptive nature of the heart. While the degree of authoritarianism is determined by such facets as personality, relationship with God and others, and personal dogma, typically authoritarian parents:

• react rather than respond
• are excessively demanding
• require instant obedience and conformity, often without explanation or with a "Because I am the dad!"
• are intimidating and become angry, animated, or forceful
• often communicate unreasonable expectations
  
• convey unspoken messages such as: you are loved and / or accepted by me only when you perform the way I demand
• disparage and discourage the emotional needs of their children
• are restrictive and intrusive
• do not respect boundaries
  

Contrast this with authoritative parenting, where the authority of a parent is inherently established by being who they are, rather than through austere insistence. It is believed that authoritative parents are a healthy balance between authoritarian and permissive styles.

Authoritative parents:

• respond rather than react
• have high but reasonable expectations
• are assertive
  
• practice healthy balance between discipline and nurture
• are sensitive to the needs of their child, including the emotions
  
• respect boundaries, including those of their children
• encourage responsible decision-making while still under protection of the home

Christianliberties.com reminds us that:

• All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Jesus (Matt 28:18).
• Jesus alone is the Head of the church (John 5:26-27, Eph 1:22-23, Col 1:18).
• God does not permit Christians to have controlling authority over other Christians in the church (see Matt 20:25-28, Mark 10:42-45, Luke 22:24-27, 1Pet 5:3, Matt 23:8-12, etc.).
• We do not have multiple special high priests over us. There is only One High Priest, Jesus Christ (see Hebrews 3:1, 4:14).
• We have One Master Christ and we are all brothers (see Matt 23: 8-12).
• You cannot obey two masters; you will love the one and hate the other (Matt 6:24, Luke 6:13). You simply cannot obey Jesus as master and a pastor as master at the same time.

We must remember that all Christians, even those within an isolated family, are members of Christ—and therefore comprise the church. A father who makes himself prophet, priest and king is no less liable for his actions than a pastor for his flock. And what is done to the least of these is done also to the Lord of heaven and earth—He does not take this lightly.

Image Consciousness

Spiritually abusive families place undue emphasis on how things look. This is taken by proof-texting a popular KJV verse: Abstain from all appearance of evil. 1 Thess. 5:22 Responsive or initiative actions are weighed according to how they might appear to someone else—believer or not—regardless of actual truth. Image conscious "Christian living" counters the gospel and ministry of Christ, evidenced by the fact that Jesus Himself appeared with prostitutes, gluttons, and drunkards. Appealing to "your witness" emphasizes appearance over truth and heart. Jesus concerned Himself with heart and truth, not appearance.

Suppression of Criticism

To question is rebellion within authoritarian, spiritually abusive families. Children, even adult offspring, who raise issues or inquiries regarding beliefs, convictions, and way of life or doctrine, are perceived as a challenge to authority, a threat to family values.

A common reason for this view is the element of influence among members of the family—specifically, brothers and sisters. For the proliferation of established creed, any challenge is detrimental, for it enables seeds of doubt or uncertainty to become planted into the minds of others. If all were to question the leader, his power and influence becomes undermined, weakened. As preventative, the challenger becomes the errant one, the problem, the black sheep, the prodigal child, the wayward one—possibly even considered unsaved, or shunned.

However, questioning is a healthy way to grow and discover what is righteous and true. Test all things; hold fast what is good. 1 Thess. 5:21

Perfectionistic standards

". . . but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:15,16

To "prove" the success of patriocentric parenting, it is critical for mothers and fathers to have perfect children. Although verbal protests arise—"Nobody is perfect except God", for example—in actuality, families rife with unspoken messages use performance-based love as subtle coercion. "Responsible" parents dangle approval or affection before a child, to achieve desired results—thus validating the right-ness of a chosen lifestyle. In reality, this is behavior control—manipulation. But holy living—"God's way" or the "biblical way"—accumulates many regulations, so parents believe extreme control is justified as instruction in righteousness and "training up in the admonition of the Lord." The foolishness of children is taught with gusto—stark contrast, however, to the serious warning of Jesus.

Parents who demand perfect adherence to established dogma end up re-creating God in their image, laying the foundation for grave theological and relational errors in the hearts of their children. When perfection is demanded throughout formative years, children have no true example of humility, godliness, or truth. Failure is anathema—there is no grace within a spiritually abusive system, and little faith.

Appealing to fear—fear of hell, fear of disappointing parents or God, fear of the world, fear of the flesh—is another method of behavior control with attempts to ensure perfection. In addition to subtle condemnation for questioning, challenging, and other understood 'misbehavior', further error is {often silently} promoted: that the spiritual head alone hears from God and interprets truth, for those within his care are not able to accurately discern any matter which may contradict the accepted family creed. Those who do, or attempt to do so, are labeled rebellious, and humiliated.

As a result, truth is suppressed in unrighteousness, for all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags.

The pursuit of holy conduct has inspired centuries of debate, reformation, creed, conviction, and judgment. Legalism has reigned through religion since the institution of religion itself. Peter teaches, however, that true holy conduct is not based on works at all.

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.

Imbalance

Spiritually abusive families retain severe lack of balance. Many claim a special grasp on truth, or God, that is not shared by others even within the Christian faith. Some claim to be more holy, more enlightened—perhaps not in words, but subtle inferences cast this conjecture upon others who may feel less-righteous by certain standards. Proponents suggest that this is conviction, yet true conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit and leads to salvation, whereas the sorrow of the world leads to death. It could be death of relationship, death of joy, death of spiritual growth. Imbalance, or extremism, rarely produces any godly fruit.

Other aspects of imbalance are manifested as spiritually abusive families frequently downplay the importance of evangelism, or elevate Mosaic Law despite the sacrificial work of Jesus.

Biblical Response to Spiritual Abuse in the Family

Ezekiel 34:2-4 “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel, prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God to the shepherds: “Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them."

Authoritarianism and religious abuse never, ever, ever have a place within a true, godly home.

When your father is your shepherd, when your father does not feed you or strengthen you when you are weak, nor heal you when you are sick, nor bind up your broken places, nor bring you back when you are driven away, nor seek you when you are lost—dear sister, you have been gravely, inexorably wounded.

When your father is your shepherd-who-slaughters, a leader who weakens your heart and faith, who brings sickness to your soul, who drives you away, who makes you lose your way, who rules you with force and cruelty—you have been injured in ways that slash marks upon your heart, possibly even marks upon your skin.

When God's name is used to hurt the ones created in His image, when His name and nature, when righteousness and the Bible, are distorted, when things that are not of God are made to be so, when sacred pillars become erected in the heart, we witness the rise of idolatry. When we serve and follow anything that is not God, we sin. When your father has taken the name of God in vain, and used it against you, to control, manipulate, and to harm you, he will answer to the Lord who says it would be better for him to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Lean not on your own understanding

We who are indwelt with the Holy Spirit have the Spirit of God leading us unto truth. We must examine our hearts, and forgive, lest bitterness take root and poison our love and faith. However, forgiveness does not make abuse okay. Forgiveness does not miraculously wipe away the pain we feel.

As adult women, we must acknowledge our Lord in all our ways, and He will direct our paths. We cannot blame our parents, our fathers, even our husbands in patriocentric families. Just as we are to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling, and as we are able to approach the throne of grace directly, through the work of Jesus needing no other mediator, we are also responsible for our own hearts, our own attitudes, and what we do with our own hurts—the pain we feel, the abuses we sustain.

We can pursue truth, with vehemence, determination, and passion. We can seek wholeness, and understand why we struggle, why we ache, why we have wounds which need healing. We can throw ourselves at the feet of Jesus and writhe and weep and rage, for He will not turn us away or tell us we are not perfect enough. We can live, and flourish, and become His hands to the ones who come behind.

For Jesus' love is messy love. His hands are bloody and He is not afraid of darkness. He does not heap oppression on our souls or give us more to do. He Himself leaves the flock to seek us, lost in our sin, and rejoices when He finds us. He is the Healer of the Broken, who binds our wounds.

He is the good Shepherd.

What now?

For those of you haunted and wounded through a spiritually abusive family, one thing essential to understand is that God does not condone what has been done in His name. It is also important to acknowledge that true abuse has occurred; until then, denial will prevent lasting healing—for denial perpetuates falsehood and suppresses truth.

The journey to healing is as personal as we are, for God meets us in our pain and gently guides our paths. Begin with the basics—God, His Son, and the cross. Offer to Him everything else you have always believed so that He may redeem your mind, thoughts, beliefs, heart, and your years. He can separate the wheat from the chaff, even within your mind. This takes courage—for it is when we are faced with questioning—challenging—everything we have always believed, that we discover how often we place faith in things that are not living. When everything falls away, and we stand naked before our God, He can restore, renew, and rebuild the foundations of our lives. And be patient—learn to let yourself feel, for it is crucial to mourn that which is lost. God Himself feels, expressing wrath, jealousy, sadness, joy, and love. You will likely feel anger, betrayal, distrust, grief. It takes time to heal, but His mercies are new every morning.

The journey out of darkness is a pilgrimage to the true, Living God.

It is a journey to life.

John 10:9-11

I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.

____________________________

For further reading:

spiritual abuse

Spiritual Abuse in the Bible?
Vampire Pastors
Leaving the Spiritually Abusive System
The Bible and Spiritual Abuse
What is Spiritual Abuse?


parenting styles

http://www.brainy-child.com/article/parenting-styles.shtml
http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3614/is_200110/ai_n8958286
http://parenting.families.com/blog/authoritative-parenting-an-overview
http://childparenting.about.com/od/parentingeducation/a/authoritative.htm