Dear Anonymous

recent exchange (see comments in this post for background) culminated in the following concerns from an anonymous poster. I know that many share this person's views and I wanted to address them in a visible format so others can follow and add thoughts of their own.

"Anonymous" writes,

I guess my question is still very much unanswered. I understand the desire to help those who have been truly abused.
    However, I get the sickening feeling reading these posts that the definition for "abuse" has gotten really out of hand and has turned into a self-indulged victim mentality.
    The distinctions are not clear enough. There are terms being used interchangeably with "abuse and cultish" that are not, in and of themselves, such.
    To try to illustrate my point:
    Because there are abusive parents in EVERY kind of family, denomination, "camp", etc., imagine a family where the father is a pedophile. This father chose to homeschool his children to make it easier to abuse them without being found out.
    It would be ludicrous then, in an attempt to "speak for the abused", to write things like, "Abusive men homeschool to try to hide their activities". While that statement is true in some instances, it is far to overreaching. Now the undiscerning reader has had a shadow cast across every homeschooler he encounters because he read that "abusive men homeschool".
    What I see happening here I've seen over and over. A knee-jerk reaction that "throws the baby out with the bath water".
    You insinuate that a family who uses terms like "guarding a daughter's heart" is a cultish family. It could be true, but you've just cast that shadow across every family who has a genuine desire to do so.
    That cannot be a blanket statement. This is a gross misrepresentation of many, many loving homes who do in fact use such terms and actually mean it and carry it out in a loving, healthy way.
    It matters little "who your audience is" when you hurt these healthy families in the process.
    What of the many families (I know them well) who would agree to being called "patriarchal types" who are gentle, sacrificial, listen to their children and have flourishing, sweet relationships with them, who like Vision Forum AND hold their daughters close, telling them, "You are unique in the sight of God, I'm so blessed to be your Mom/Dad and God has great things in store for you"?
    Who eat whole wheat bread and don't believe it's a sin to wear make-up.
    Who attend the Father/Daughter Retreats and have joyful, healthy daughters anyway?
    Who believe in the authority of parents in the home AND who teach their children that they can DO NOTHING to earn the favor of God because they have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus?
    Who teach a balanced view of repentance and grace?
    Whose daughters may enjoy wearing skirts because they like the feminine way they feel, but wear pants sometimes too?
    What of those families who have instilled a healthy, balanced sense of work and whose children understand that helping with siblings is not abuse, but just a normal part of life, just as it has been for centuries?
    I see some dangerous Psychology being used here. I could bait anyone and get them to *feel* abused. We all had flesh-covered, sinful parents who didn't love us perfectly and we could conjure up "abusive moments" all day if we wanted to. We could even say our whole lifestyles were abusive (my parents sent me to public school. I could easily call this abuse, though they loved me dearly.)
    (The feminists baited their proselytes and instilled in them a hatred of home using a similar tactic.)
    My question is, if grace is so much a part of what we are trying to extend to these daughters, where is the grace for parents who, despite not being perfect are doing the best they know? Instead, I'm seeing a whole generation of ungrateful children rise up against their well-meaning parents. (Hmmm...I seem to recall that in a prophecy of Scripture.)
    It's a disgrace that I have a friend who was so grossly abused (chased with a gun on a regular basis, anyone?? Told how ugly she was...) who demonstrated honor and respect for that wicked father up until his death, having never even received an apology, and still continues to give him honor due a parent to this day. She is healthy because she refused to be a victim. Her children are healthy because she refused to be a victim. She didn't need counseling because she really understood grace and in extending grace to her abusive father, she was healed.
    Address abuse, yes! But address it in the only way it will bring healing (by teaching forgiveness of the abuser, despite their deserving of it). And distinguish, for mercy's sake, the difference in real abuse and a selfish, sin nature that wants to blame and be coddled.
    All the good that is being done here is being negated by the healthy families being torn apart and labeled as a "cult", and by the happy girls who will come here and fall victim to "being a victim" by the baiting of feelings.
    God can not be pleased when His people--faithful, loving parents, are falsely represented.
    All in grace, and pleading, and praying you have ears to hear.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking time to address what many others believe as well. In mulling a response, I've been a little uncertain how to structure my statements. Anything I say could be considered defensive or knee-jerk or, as others have suggested, influenced by humanistic or feministic thinking. This puts me in a tight place and I can only pray that the One who calls me will give me the words I need to speak. I know that nothing I say will sufficiently squelch concerns because the topics themselves are controversial by nature. But I believe that everyone, whether or not we all agree on issues, is created in God's image. If you are a Christian, then we are a brother or sister in Christ. Both of these things makes what you think important to me and I take your words seriously, even if after prayer and reflection my own convictions remain unaltered. 

I will make every effort to address the issues you've raised.

1) Regarding definitions of abuse, I've identified spiritual abuse here, and emotional abuse here. Yes there are abusive parents in every kind of family (and every religion) you can imagine. Unfortunately I can't focus on all of them, nor am I called to ~ although I can pray and try to reach out to the ones the Lord brings across my path. Thankfully He has established many who minister to various hurting families and who address different kinds of abuses. 

2) I'm not sure how to address these things in a manner that doesn't come across as "knee-jerk," although I realize that my saying "it's not" has no meaning or credibility to any who question. It has been well over ten years since I've experienced this environment on a daily basis, and my personal journey with the Lord has undergone a thorough revamping. I've approached not only this blog but my book and the people I've met with buckets of tears and prayers and much agony of heart and soul. If it weren't for the Lord's clear leading I would have given up long ago. These subjects are very serious; the only reason I'm able to keep going is because I am truly convinced this is God's path for me. I do hope He continues to refine, teach, and guide me. I want this to not be about me, or to glorify pain and abuse, but through exposing pain, heartache, and other issues point to the ultimate Healer and bring Him glory.

3) I don't know how much of my blog you've read, but there are many places where I've encouraged forgiveness and / or acknowledged the good intentions of our parents. (For examples, try here, here, here, and here.) I haven't once indicated that we are not sinners. But often daughters from patriarchal environments are so aware of their own sin that it becomes hard to even address the effects of others' sin  ~ they feel they deserve it. They feel unworthy to seek healing. My job isn't to be the Holy Spirit to these girls or anyone; it is His job to bring conviction. My prayer is that what I write exudes the fragrance of Christ. Sadly it hasn't always, and when it's brought to my attention I try to acknowledge it and make it right. I've left up some comments I'm ashamed of because it would be easy for me to delete them and brush away my insensitivies, but I'm not trying to paint a flawless picture of myself. 

4) Regarding grace for parents, I am sad that trying to address the hurtful effects of sin is automatically associated with a lack of grace. Here is something from my FAQ (written on behalf of myself and any contributors) and the position I take within my book:

What do you think about parents, pastors,Vision Forum, the Botkins, and the other ministries and organizations who promote reformed, Quiverfull or the patriocentric family?

Because only the Lord can see the heart, we do not feel it appropriate for us to assume critical attitudes towards the real people behind movements, ministries, organizations, churches, or within families. We acknowledge that many of these people are sincere in their efforts to do as they feel God has indicated, which includes taking a stand for or against specific religious or familial practices. We trust and pray that wherever they, and we, are in error, God will reveal it and lead us along a path of righteousness and humility. We trust and pray that He will reveal truth and healing to those affected, and endeavor to make restitution where we are responsible. We are all fallen, and yet all created in the image of God. Judgment belongs to Him.

You've said that you do not want to "assume critical attitudes towards people behind the movements, families, etc". But there are some very public faces promoting unbiblical teaching! How can you not point someone out and truly support the women they are hurting, directly or indirectly?

We try to address the teaching itself, and may on occasion use specific names to illustrate ideology in question. But our goal is to remain focused on aching souls and feel that for us, it would be a distraction to 'go after' those with whom we disagree or who perpetuate errant philosophy. In other words, it's nothing personal. To have a merciful heart towards those who promote hurtful teaching is not mutually exclusive to bringing awareness to said teaching and addressing the effects and wounds they cause. Again, it is try. There may be exceptions.

If there is anywhere that I've seemed ungrateful either to my own parents or promoted an environment of ungratefulness, please bring it to my attention. However I don't believe that adult children examining the fruits of sin, dysfunction, or the mistakes of others is equal to ungratefulness. I also don't believe it is appropriate to include a disclaimer to this effect within every article, for I respect my audience who are adults and if not all, most are Christians. I can't judge them on where they might be on their journey; true forgiveness takes time and many who have not been shown grace don't understand it. I hope, I pray, that perhaps through cultivating an environment of grace, others might begin to understand God's ~ and in His timing ,will begin to heal, blossom and grow. I will continue to examine what I write in this blog and try to be more sensitive to parents, although they are not the ones whom the Lord has directly called me to address. (If other parents are reading, please give me your feedback on this as well.)

5) The only place that I recall specifically discussing guarding a daughter's heart as it relates to patriarchy and emotional purity is in this post where I quoted a young woman and asked readers how this teaching affected them. So I'm not sure where I've insinuated or made "a blanket statement that those who do this are cultish."

6) You've mentioned cultish several times. Other than the three-part series I completed recently ~ out of  over a hundred other posts written in almost a year and a half ~ I have not dwelt on cultishness at all. I've mentioned that sometimes healing is similar to the recovery of those who exit cultic groups. So I guess I am a little confused why this is emphasized so heavily in your responses to me because while I stand by and wholeheartedly maintain that many families (and organizations) are cultic in nature and structure, this has not even been close to a primary focus.

7) Regarding the "self-indulged victim mentality": these are common terms that many use to disregard and dismiss real pain. Even if someone else's pain is not understood, is not valid in your eyes, or perhaps not even important to you, I beseech those who feel tempted to use them ~ please refrain. This isn't conducive to Christ-likeness or healing. Only the Lord knows the heart of each one involved. (Parents, children, readers alike.) But let's say that someone reading is perhaps self-indulgent, milking their pain for attention. How does an accusation of this draw them to the Lord? If you believe someone isn't sincere, please pray for them. The Holy Spirit can convict them and lead them into truth and wholeness.

8) You are right that there are many godly, gracious, balanced families who are quiverfull, patriarchal, etc. But they are not my audience. I will endeavor to use the term "patriocentric" more often to help distinguish. I'm not sure how to differentiate some of the others; I use "authoritarian" quite frequently in my book. However, it can also go the other way; some might hear "quiverfull" and automatically think "godly" when it is not always so. I will pray about what other terms I can use in my writing. I think the context is most important however, and those who read will understand, write for clarification, or perhaps the Lord will lead them to write something of their own. Regardless, the Lord knows the heart and if someone who has not been abused is "baited" to feel as though they have ~ which I hope never happens through anything I've written ~ the Lord knows the truth. He loves that person and can restore them. However I can't let fear be a reason to disobey Him. Even if I, hypothetically, were the Apostle Paul and my letters to churches were included in the Holy Scriptures, people would dispute, misread, misjudge, misinterpret, and attack what I write for thousands of years. As me, I must continue laying this before the Father and seek His wisdom.

9) You wrote: "It matters little "who your audience is" when you hurt these healthy families in the process." While I certainly don't want to hurt anyone, and think that perhaps this concern might not be  well-founded, Jesus said “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.” Mark 2:17 Although I realize I am far from being Christ, my service to Him is to try to portray, even if with broken hands and broken language, His heart. And who is reaching out to these precious girls whom He loves? Whom He wants to make well and reveal His love and grace? I wish there were a thousand others who could take up this cause, who would definitely be better equipped than I. I don't say this with false humility, but because everyday I see my own short-comings and sin and frailty. I see my weaknesses and limitations. I don't know why He called me to this, but I love Him and pray that He can somehow use my feeble words. I am nobody, and have no desire to change that. To be honest, I never even expected the audience I do have. He said "write" and I sat down in my pajamas and bed-head and puffy eyes and started typing. I would be absolutely disobedient to my Lord if I were to streamline my focus elsewhere. I certainly don't do this because it's easy or fun, although the Lord has sustained me and blessed me through it in many ways. The only thing I'd do differently is use a pseudonym from the beginning, but it's a little late for that and I trust that the Lord will continue taking care of me and those I love.

I've consistently requested that any readers don't take my words alone but to weigh them according to Scripture and seek the Holy Spirit for guidance. He will reveal truth to you. 

I will continue to try addressing concerns; please be patient with me as I am wrapping up my book. It goes into greater detail what I wish I could put here.

Edited to add: Here is the beginning of part one of the Cultic Family series in which I used the term "authoritarian" not "patriarchal." I bring up this difference because while some patriarchal families may be cultic, my own context in writing was authoritarian. There is a major difference, I believe. 

Life in an authoritarian environment causes many  women to experience severe emotional and spiritual stumbling blocks. Some of these include shame, fear, self-condemnation, difficulty trusting those in authority, knowing God, and understanding truth. Issues of the heart and spirit have been addressed at length, but of less renown are some of the physical effects caused by prolonged periods of extreme control. And in the context of a deeply religious family, when one is born and raised in such a milieu, the ramifications on flesh can be especially destructive.

Within high-demand groups, like cults, for instance, members often have what's known as a "pre-cult identity". Recovery requires  that one reconnects with the person they were prior to group involvement. In other words, remembering life before the cult enables ex-members to reestablish life on their own and heal from cultic abuse. SGAs ~ Second Generation Adults ~ are those from totalitarian groups who do not have a pre-cult identity to fall back on to aid recovery. Because those from cultic groups and adult children from authoritarian families have such similar living environments ~ physically, psychologically, and emotionally ~ we will look at both in this article.

Why I Write . . .

As a woman with a very interesting, atypical past, I am often asked, "why are you so different?" This question comes from those within “the world”, and from those who follow a more conservative path.
 
I grew up keenly aware of this "being different", cursing myself, my desires, my flesh, my deepest being. I implored God to change me, and daily begged Him for forgiveness of my badness and sin.

My ministry is to women abused within fundamentalist Christianity. My primary focus is adult daughters, but wives and mothers are not exempt from the emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, manipulation through fear, shame, mind control, and other serious elements, rampant within aberrant religious culture.

Many resources exist extolling the virtues of Biblical Patriarchy, the Quiverfull movement, homeschooling, isolationism, and agrarian living. Many others address the issue of prodigal sons or daughters, caution against “culture”, and illustrate what it means to be a true, godly woman.

Undoubtedly, some of these materials are valuable.

Yet very few address the negative ramifications of these lifestyles or the effect they have on women. For there is a dark side within extreme conservatism. It is compounded by secrecy, oppression, fear, and silence, while the "least of these" within fundamentalist Christianity quietly succumb to heartache, pain, and sorrow.

And that is why I write.

I pray that my words will help bring relief, hope, and encouragement to women lost and hurting within a religious subculture. I pray that they will see the true way, and the heart of Jesus. I hope that those who feel betrayed in the name of God and the Bible will come to understand truth.

To be clear, I am not “against” homeschooling or other conservative values. I do not take the position that they naturally produce fearful, depressed daughters. I do not believe it is wrong to have many children, nor to live a "counter-cultural" lifestyle.

However, I do protest when families become imbalanced, when daughters feel as though they do not matter, that their thoughts and feelings do not matter, when subtle messages bring condemnation, when things are proclaimed to be “God’s way” or the “Biblical way” when Scripture makes no such claim. I protest when the doctrines of men are used to hurt the children of God. I am against performance-based relationships, and placing anything other than Jesus at the center of a heart or family.

No family is perfect. However, the purpose of this book is not to ream others for their imperfections, but to acknowledge, validate, and launch a journey to healing from the very real wounds caused by them. I encourage all to seek the Heavenly Father and live obediently to the convictions placed on their hearts by the Holy Spirit. Weigh what I write according to Scripture, and lay these words before God.

I do not know the outcome of this project; I do not know if this work will become a completed book, or what God has in store. He has said to write, and write I do. Tomorrow is in His hands.