What is Abuse?

Abuse is a hot, yet tender, topic. Nearly everyone would agree that abuse is horrible, unjustifiable, and devastating. Invariably, within a discussion of abuse, someone will bring up the question of definitions and ask, but what is abuse? Are we just throwing the word around, willy-nilly, and making false accusations? Are we slandering others using this emotionally-charged word? Shouldn't we drop this word and perhaps use something a little less alarming?

We are conditioned to consider abuse to be that which inflicts violence in the forms of rape, battery, beating, or extreme neglect. And yes, those are examples of abuse ~ yet they are not the only examples. Here is how the United States Department of Justice defines abuse. Please read carefully.

We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include  - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers. Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org.
Source

These descriptions illustrate the mis-use of power and control over another person's mind, heart, and body. But there is another form of abuse, a spiritual one. A popular blogger recently observed that the term spiritual abuse is becoming increasingly wide-spread. I am thankful for this! It means that awareness is growing and when one is aware, he or she is more likely to be alert and able to discern warning signs. But what is spiritual abuse? Ezekiel 34 illustrates spiritual abuse in heart-wrenching prose.

“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.”

Another definition is offered by Watchman Fellowship:

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.

Conclusion

It is important to reach an understanding of words and what is meant when terms are used. But while one could argue definitions all day, please remember that meanwhile, there are some desperately hurting individuals in this world who need healing.

____

Recommended reading on spiritual abuse: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse  
Also see Elements of Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Abuse in the Bible, Beating the Sheep.

Lies We Tell Ourselves About Abuse (And Other Things)

t has been a busy year for Quivering Daughters. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the responses, both public and private, to my book. I want to thank everyone who has contacted me, prayed for, and written to me, as well as all who have shown support and shared concerns. I pray that the Lord continues to use the message He laid on my heart for women for His glory, and humbly ask that you continue to pray both for those who read this book and for those who encounter or promote differing viewpoints. May the Lord be glorified and His name be praised!

While by no means exhaustive, I'd like to offer a couple quick mentions: much appreciation to Gina Dalfonzo from BreakPoint for her review published in Christianity Today. In addition, Internet Monk is hosting an open discussion about the issues raised in my book if you would like to participate. I'm also deeply thankful to Lanier for her review on YLCF this past March.

And finally, don't miss these truly insightful links:

from Permission to Live:

Denial takes on many forms. It can look kind of like being a murderer in court, trying to convince the judge to let you off because you only killed one person, “At least I wasn’t a serial killer!” you protest. "I killed the guy with a gun, it’s not like I went after him with an axe!” The fact is, you are still a murderer, and you still have to deal with the repercussions of that.

Another example of this is sort of like the Pharisees’ prayer in the Bible where he prays, thanking God that he doesn’t have all the sins of other people all while completely ignoring his own sins. In this denial, you might say “I thank God that I wasn’t like those homeless children, at least I HAD parents. At least I am alive! I could have been one of those children who got killed by their parents, so I have it pretty good. I should be grateful.” You keep busy telling yourself what didn’t happen to you, so that you never have to face what actually did happen to you...

Please view "Lies We Tell Ourselves About Abuse" to read the article in its entirety. 

And a guest post on Darcy's Heart-Stirrings:

Letter to a Family Considering Joining ATI

May God bless you all.

When the Hands are Loving, Where Does the Pain Come From?

arolyn doesn't know why she's crying. "It doesn't make sense," she says. "I don't go hungry. I have everything I need. We are a close family. I've never been hit. I know I'm a sinner and have asked God over and over to show me what I've done wrong and what I need to change, but nothing gets better ~ in fact, it gets worse! From the outside, everything looks great. But inside I'm going crazy. I can't take this much longer."

Adult daughters like Carolyn write me often, agonizing over the cognitive dissonance of external versus internal. Of appearance versus heart, which is a theme revealed early in the pages of Scripture:  So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before Him!” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Sam.16:6-8)

This passage describes looking at the flesh and drawing spiritual conclusions. I believe we can find a parallel between the context of these verses and patriocentric homes where almost always, everything looks "right". Children are buried in schoolbooks or romping cheerfully around the yard. Sons are chopping firewood or plowing fields. Daughters are baking bread or sewing. We might be inclined to exclaim a similar injunction to Samuel's: "Surely the Lord's anointed is before Him!" But as we see, there is danger in looking at the flesh (outward appearance, actions, and other external features) and assuming that because it looks godly and biblical, that it is ordered by the Lord. Or because there is no overt abuse, that everyone is okay on the inside. Where the heart is. And while Jesus cares about our entire being, body included, His healing isn't limited to flesh. He cares about things unseen. And we should, too.

The Problem with Appearance

It's a horrifying truth that physical abuse and sexual abuse exist, even within families who make an effort to live holy lives apart from the influence of a wicked culture. Many have told me, in the agony of alone-ness, that no one within their own, like-minded community ever knew what really happened inside their homes. But overt abuse is not the only kind, the worst kind, or even the most common within families who heartily endorse the doctrines of Biblical Patriarchy. There is other abuse that alters not one's appearance, necessarily (although it may over time), but the heart. And when abuse affects someone's relationship with God, understanding of Scripture, and leads to serious emotional and spiritual pain, it means that something terrible is happening!

Have you ever felt a raindrop land on your face? Or walked by a pool, only to be lightly splashed by children? These little droplets are relatively inconsequential. Although historical accounts of this practice are debatable, the use of water is described in the following method of torture: "A prisoner was tied to a table or the floor, and his head was strapped in place so that he couldn't move anything. Water was then dripped onto his forehead, one drop at a time. It drove the person insane, and after a period the victim would reveal the secret, confess to the crime, or agree to do anything his or his captors requested to get them to stop the torture. This was particularly favored in circumstances where torture was necessary, but no evidence of physical damage could show."  Source While obviously an extreme example, this situation illustrates how seemingly innocuous things can, in fact, over time have a grave psychological and behavioral effect while bodily signs never appear. How many adult children of patriarchy are emotionally and spiritually constrained? How many live with constant dripping on the face, held firmly by straps man-labeled, "God's way"? "Biblical womanhood"? "How to honor your parents"?

Consider the conflict in an adult daughter's heart when she looks at hands that have fed her, bathed her, stroked her hair, tied her shoes, bandaged her knees, and folded in prayer for her. She knows these are kind gestures. Christ-like, even. How to reconcile them, then, with messages ~ verbal or implied ~ like these?

• If you move out of your parents' home for any reason other than marriage, it will be like committing parental adultery.
• Having a job in the world is against God's plan for women.
• Your depression is demonic. 
• Godly womanhood means that you will not be given any calling other than motherhood, or that other callings are less important.
• Biblical womanhood means that your father will have a vision for your life and that you were created for the purpose of being a wife and mother. This is what the Bible teaches, and there are no exceptions to His will.
• God won't reveal His will to you. Your father will hear God's voice for you, and tell you what His will is for your life.
• Because Eve was deceived, you cannot discern for yourself what is from God, or what is from the world. You are listening to your flesh.
• The Bible says to honor your parents. Therefore you need to do what I tell you. Otherwise you are foolish and disobedient.
• If you choose a college education, you are going against God's plan.
• If you believe God is calling you to the ministry or anywhere outside of your home, you are wrong and obviously don't know the voice or will of God. God doesn't call women to leave their home.

Many beautiful, seemingly idyllic families use these messages and more to influence the lives of their adult daughters. While some might appear to have basis in Scripture, a closer look and a testing of fruit offers a devastating reminder that appearances can be deceiving. It feels like torture to consider that perhaps these messages are acquired apart from the Spirit of the Lord. It feels like betrayal to suggest that maybe these teachings are abusive even when they are delivered with gentle hands and a soft tongue.

This kind of dissonance creates confusion. While teaching is intended to support and defend God's plan for living, a thoroughly patriocentric core emerges in the daily praxis of home and family. Perhaps a better way to understand patriocentricity is found in James 3: self-seeking. Where there is self-seeking, we learn from James, there is confusion and every evil thing. Jesus reminds us that those who desire to enter the Kingdom must become as little children, and yet daughters of patriarchy discover all too often that entrance to the Kingdom itself is barred by those who hear God on their behalf.

Luke 11:52

“Woe to you lawyers! For you have taken away the key of knowledge. You did not enter in yourselves, and those who were entering in you hindered.”

This can be done gently.

This can be done sweetly, with biblical, loving, concerned words.

This is abuse.

Image Source

Dear Anonymous

recent exchange (see comments in this post for background) culminated in the following concerns from an anonymous poster. I know that many share this person's views and I wanted to address them in a visible format so others can follow and add thoughts of their own.

"Anonymous" writes,

I guess my question is still very much unanswered. I understand the desire to help those who have been truly abused.
    However, I get the sickening feeling reading these posts that the definition for "abuse" has gotten really out of hand and has turned into a self-indulged victim mentality.
    The distinctions are not clear enough. There are terms being used interchangeably with "abuse and cultish" that are not, in and of themselves, such.
    To try to illustrate my point:
    Because there are abusive parents in EVERY kind of family, denomination, "camp", etc., imagine a family where the father is a pedophile. This father chose to homeschool his children to make it easier to abuse them without being found out.
    It would be ludicrous then, in an attempt to "speak for the abused", to write things like, "Abusive men homeschool to try to hide their activities". While that statement is true in some instances, it is far to overreaching. Now the undiscerning reader has had a shadow cast across every homeschooler he encounters because he read that "abusive men homeschool".
    What I see happening here I've seen over and over. A knee-jerk reaction that "throws the baby out with the bath water".
    You insinuate that a family who uses terms like "guarding a daughter's heart" is a cultish family. It could be true, but you've just cast that shadow across every family who has a genuine desire to do so.
    That cannot be a blanket statement. This is a gross misrepresentation of many, many loving homes who do in fact use such terms and actually mean it and carry it out in a loving, healthy way.
    It matters little "who your audience is" when you hurt these healthy families in the process.
    What of the many families (I know them well) who would agree to being called "patriarchal types" who are gentle, sacrificial, listen to their children and have flourishing, sweet relationships with them, who like Vision Forum AND hold their daughters close, telling them, "You are unique in the sight of God, I'm so blessed to be your Mom/Dad and God has great things in store for you"?
    Who eat whole wheat bread and don't believe it's a sin to wear make-up.
    Who attend the Father/Daughter Retreats and have joyful, healthy daughters anyway?
    Who believe in the authority of parents in the home AND who teach their children that they can DO NOTHING to earn the favor of God because they have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus?
    Who teach a balanced view of repentance and grace?
    Whose daughters may enjoy wearing skirts because they like the feminine way they feel, but wear pants sometimes too?
    What of those families who have instilled a healthy, balanced sense of work and whose children understand that helping with siblings is not abuse, but just a normal part of life, just as it has been for centuries?
    I see some dangerous Psychology being used here. I could bait anyone and get them to *feel* abused. We all had flesh-covered, sinful parents who didn't love us perfectly and we could conjure up "abusive moments" all day if we wanted to. We could even say our whole lifestyles were abusive (my parents sent me to public school. I could easily call this abuse, though they loved me dearly.)
    (The feminists baited their proselytes and instilled in them a hatred of home using a similar tactic.)
    My question is, if grace is so much a part of what we are trying to extend to these daughters, where is the grace for parents who, despite not being perfect are doing the best they know? Instead, I'm seeing a whole generation of ungrateful children rise up against their well-meaning parents. (Hmmm...I seem to recall that in a prophecy of Scripture.)
    It's a disgrace that I have a friend who was so grossly abused (chased with a gun on a regular basis, anyone?? Told how ugly she was...) who demonstrated honor and respect for that wicked father up until his death, having never even received an apology, and still continues to give him honor due a parent to this day. She is healthy because she refused to be a victim. Her children are healthy because she refused to be a victim. She didn't need counseling because she really understood grace and in extending grace to her abusive father, she was healed.
    Address abuse, yes! But address it in the only way it will bring healing (by teaching forgiveness of the abuser, despite their deserving of it). And distinguish, for mercy's sake, the difference in real abuse and a selfish, sin nature that wants to blame and be coddled.
    All the good that is being done here is being negated by the healthy families being torn apart and labeled as a "cult", and by the happy girls who will come here and fall victim to "being a victim" by the baiting of feelings.
    God can not be pleased when His people--faithful, loving parents, are falsely represented.
    All in grace, and pleading, and praying you have ears to hear.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking time to address what many others believe as well. In mulling a response, I've been a little uncertain how to structure my statements. Anything I say could be considered defensive or knee-jerk or, as others have suggested, influenced by humanistic or feministic thinking. This puts me in a tight place and I can only pray that the One who calls me will give me the words I need to speak. I know that nothing I say will sufficiently squelch concerns because the topics themselves are controversial by nature. But I believe that everyone, whether or not we all agree on issues, is created in God's image. If you are a Christian, then we are a brother or sister in Christ. Both of these things makes what you think important to me and I take your words seriously, even if after prayer and reflection my own convictions remain unaltered. 

I will make every effort to address the issues you've raised.

1) Regarding definitions of abuse, I've identified spiritual abuse here, and emotional abuse here. Yes there are abusive parents in every kind of family (and every religion) you can imagine. Unfortunately I can't focus on all of them, nor am I called to ~ although I can pray and try to reach out to the ones the Lord brings across my path. Thankfully He has established many who minister to various hurting families and who address different kinds of abuses. 

2) I'm not sure how to address these things in a manner that doesn't come across as "knee-jerk," although I realize that my saying "it's not" has no meaning or credibility to any who question. It has been well over ten years since I've experienced this environment on a daily basis, and my personal journey with the Lord has undergone a thorough revamping. I've approached not only this blog but my book and the people I've met with buckets of tears and prayers and much agony of heart and soul. If it weren't for the Lord's clear leading I would have given up long ago. These subjects are very serious; the only reason I'm able to keep going is because I am truly convinced this is God's path for me. I do hope He continues to refine, teach, and guide me. I want this to not be about me, or to glorify pain and abuse, but through exposing pain, heartache, and other issues point to the ultimate Healer and bring Him glory.

3) I don't know how much of my blog you've read, but there are many places where I've encouraged forgiveness and / or acknowledged the good intentions of our parents. (For examples, try here, here, here, and here.) I haven't once indicated that we are not sinners. But often daughters from patriarchal environments are so aware of their own sin that it becomes hard to even address the effects of others' sin  ~ they feel they deserve it. They feel unworthy to seek healing. My job isn't to be the Holy Spirit to these girls or anyone; it is His job to bring conviction. My prayer is that what I write exudes the fragrance of Christ. Sadly it hasn't always, and when it's brought to my attention I try to acknowledge it and make it right. I've left up some comments I'm ashamed of because it would be easy for me to delete them and brush away my insensitivies, but I'm not trying to paint a flawless picture of myself. 

4) Regarding grace for parents, I am sad that trying to address the hurtful effects of sin is automatically associated with a lack of grace. Here is something from my FAQ (written on behalf of myself and any contributors) and the position I take within my book:

What do you think about parents, pastors,Vision Forum, the Botkins, and the other ministries and organizations who promote reformed, Quiverfull or the patriocentric family?

Because only the Lord can see the heart, we do not feel it appropriate for us to assume critical attitudes towards the real people behind movements, ministries, organizations, churches, or within families. We acknowledge that many of these people are sincere in their efforts to do as they feel God has indicated, which includes taking a stand for or against specific religious or familial practices. We trust and pray that wherever they, and we, are in error, God will reveal it and lead us along a path of righteousness and humility. We trust and pray that He will reveal truth and healing to those affected, and endeavor to make restitution where we are responsible. We are all fallen, and yet all created in the image of God. Judgment belongs to Him.

You've said that you do not want to "assume critical attitudes towards people behind the movements, families, etc". But there are some very public faces promoting unbiblical teaching! How can you not point someone out and truly support the women they are hurting, directly or indirectly?

We try to address the teaching itself, and may on occasion use specific names to illustrate ideology in question. But our goal is to remain focused on aching souls and feel that for us, it would be a distraction to 'go after' those with whom we disagree or who perpetuate errant philosophy. In other words, it's nothing personal. To have a merciful heart towards those who promote hurtful teaching is not mutually exclusive to bringing awareness to said teaching and addressing the effects and wounds they cause. Again, it is try. There may be exceptions.

If there is anywhere that I've seemed ungrateful either to my own parents or promoted an environment of ungratefulness, please bring it to my attention. However I don't believe that adult children examining the fruits of sin, dysfunction, or the mistakes of others is equal to ungratefulness. I also don't believe it is appropriate to include a disclaimer to this effect within every article, for I respect my audience who are adults and if not all, most are Christians. I can't judge them on where they might be on their journey; true forgiveness takes time and many who have not been shown grace don't understand it. I hope, I pray, that perhaps through cultivating an environment of grace, others might begin to understand God's ~ and in His timing ,will begin to heal, blossom and grow. I will continue to examine what I write in this blog and try to be more sensitive to parents, although they are not the ones whom the Lord has directly called me to address. (If other parents are reading, please give me your feedback on this as well.)

5) The only place that I recall specifically discussing guarding a daughter's heart as it relates to patriarchy and emotional purity is in this post where I quoted a young woman and asked readers how this teaching affected them. So I'm not sure where I've insinuated or made "a blanket statement that those who do this are cultish."

6) You've mentioned cultish several times. Other than the three-part series I completed recently ~ out of  over a hundred other posts written in almost a year and a half ~ I have not dwelt on cultishness at all. I've mentioned that sometimes healing is similar to the recovery of those who exit cultic groups. So I guess I am a little confused why this is emphasized so heavily in your responses to me because while I stand by and wholeheartedly maintain that many families (and organizations) are cultic in nature and structure, this has not even been close to a primary focus.

7) Regarding the "self-indulged victim mentality": these are common terms that many use to disregard and dismiss real pain. Even if someone else's pain is not understood, is not valid in your eyes, or perhaps not even important to you, I beseech those who feel tempted to use them ~ please refrain. This isn't conducive to Christ-likeness or healing. Only the Lord knows the heart of each one involved. (Parents, children, readers alike.) But let's say that someone reading is perhaps self-indulgent, milking their pain for attention. How does an accusation of this draw them to the Lord? If you believe someone isn't sincere, please pray for them. The Holy Spirit can convict them and lead them into truth and wholeness.

8) You are right that there are many godly, gracious, balanced families who are quiverfull, patriarchal, etc. But they are not my audience. I will endeavor to use the term "patriocentric" more often to help distinguish. I'm not sure how to differentiate some of the others; I use "authoritarian" quite frequently in my book. However, it can also go the other way; some might hear "quiverfull" and automatically think "godly" when it is not always so. I will pray about what other terms I can use in my writing. I think the context is most important however, and those who read will understand, write for clarification, or perhaps the Lord will lead them to write something of their own. Regardless, the Lord knows the heart and if someone who has not been abused is "baited" to feel as though they have ~ which I hope never happens through anything I've written ~ the Lord knows the truth. He loves that person and can restore them. However I can't let fear be a reason to disobey Him. Even if I, hypothetically, were the Apostle Paul and my letters to churches were included in the Holy Scriptures, people would dispute, misread, misjudge, misinterpret, and attack what I write for thousands of years. As me, I must continue laying this before the Father and seek His wisdom.

9) You wrote: "It matters little "who your audience is" when you hurt these healthy families in the process." While I certainly don't want to hurt anyone, and think that perhaps this concern might not be  well-founded, Jesus said “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.” Mark 2:17 Although I realize I am far from being Christ, my service to Him is to try to portray, even if with broken hands and broken language, His heart. And who is reaching out to these precious girls whom He loves? Whom He wants to make well and reveal His love and grace? I wish there were a thousand others who could take up this cause, who would definitely be better equipped than I. I don't say this with false humility, but because everyday I see my own short-comings and sin and frailty. I see my weaknesses and limitations. I don't know why He called me to this, but I love Him and pray that He can somehow use my feeble words. I am nobody, and have no desire to change that. To be honest, I never even expected the audience I do have. He said "write" and I sat down in my pajamas and bed-head and puffy eyes and started typing. I would be absolutely disobedient to my Lord if I were to streamline my focus elsewhere. I certainly don't do this because it's easy or fun, although the Lord has sustained me and blessed me through it in many ways. The only thing I'd do differently is use a pseudonym from the beginning, but it's a little late for that and I trust that the Lord will continue taking care of me and those I love.

I've consistently requested that any readers don't take my words alone but to weigh them according to Scripture and seek the Holy Spirit for guidance. He will reveal truth to you. 

I will continue to try addressing concerns; please be patient with me as I am wrapping up my book. It goes into greater detail what I wish I could put here.

Edited to add: Here is the beginning of part one of the Cultic Family series in which I used the term "authoritarian" not "patriarchal." I bring up this difference because while some patriarchal families may be cultic, my own context in writing was authoritarian. There is a major difference, I believe. 

Life in an authoritarian environment causes many  women to experience severe emotional and spiritual stumbling blocks. Some of these include shame, fear, self-condemnation, difficulty trusting those in authority, knowing God, and understanding truth. Issues of the heart and spirit have been addressed at length, but of less renown are some of the physical effects caused by prolonged periods of extreme control. And in the context of a deeply religious family, when one is born and raised in such a milieu, the ramifications on flesh can be especially destructive.

Within high-demand groups, like cults, for instance, members often have what's known as a "pre-cult identity". Recovery requires  that one reconnects with the person they were prior to group involvement. In other words, remembering life before the cult enables ex-members to reestablish life on their own and heal from cultic abuse. SGAs ~ Second Generation Adults ~ are those from totalitarian groups who do not have a pre-cult identity to fall back on to aid recovery. Because those from cultic groups and adult children from authoritarian families have such similar living environments ~ physically, psychologically, and emotionally ~ we will look at both in this article.

The Cultic Family, Part II

Continued from Part I  *Note: This article is sensitive in nature and potentially controversial. Please pray before contemplating the material I've provided because it could be triggering, offensive, or even painful to read. Please note that I am not a health professional. The following resource is not a substitute for medical or psychological advice; please use discernment while reading and following any links.

n authoritarian, performance-based family who trains through coercion ~ such as withholding love, affection, acceptance, or approval to manipulate behavior ~ creates an environment that can't help but keep household members at a heightened state of stress. A demanding or fear-based atmosphere requires constant adrenaline for survival mode, keeping one  perpetually "on edge" through fight-or-flight syndrome. For some, the effects of chronic stress remain dormant for years and flare up without warning. When compounded over a lifetime with little to no relief, this overworks the adrenal glands, rendering adults exhausted without any logical reason why.

Adrenal Fatigue and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

(Source) The psychiatric definition of "trauma" is "an event outside normal human experience." Trauma generally leaves you feeling powerless, helpless, paralyzed. It tends to be sudden and overwhelming; it "owns" you. You cannot think clearly during and after a severe trauma; at the same time, you are forced to focus your consciousness in an attempt to deal. Some instances of prolonged trauma:

• physical or sexual abuse as a child or spouse
• war
• life in a prison camp
• life as a refugee
• hostage situations
• life in a concentration camp
• life in some religious cults 

Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress

 1. A history of subjection to totalitarian control over a prolonged period (months to years). Examples include hostages, prisoners of war, concentration-camp survivors, and survivors of some religious cults. Examples also include those subjected to totalitarian systems in sexual and domestic life, including survivors of domestic battering, childhood physical or sexual abuse, and organized sexual exploitation.
       2. Alterations in affect regulation, including:
              * persistent dysphoria
              * chronic suicidal preoccupation
              * self-injury
              * explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate)
              * compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate)
       3. Alterations in consciousness, including:
              * amnesia or hypermnesia for traumatic events
              * transient dissociative episodes
              * depersonalization/derealization
              * reliving experiences, either in the form of intrusive post-traumatic stress disorder        symptoms or in the form of ruminative preoccupation
       4. Alterations in self-perception, including:
              * sense of helplessness or paralysis of initiative
              * shame, guilt, and self-blame
              * sense of defilement or stigma
              * sense of complete difference from others (may include sense of specialness, utter aloneness, belief no other person can understand, or nonhuman identity)
       5. Alterations in perception of perpetrator, including:
              * preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator (includes preoccupation with revenge)
              * unrealistic attribution of total power to perpetrator (caution: victim's assessment of power realities may be more realistic than clinician's)
              * idealization or paradoxical gratitude
              * sense of special or supernatural relationship
              * acceptance of belief system or rationalizations of perpetrator
       6. Alterations in relations with others, including:
              * isolation and withdrawal
              * disruption in intimate relationships
              * repeated search for rescuer (may alternate with isolation and withdrawal)
              * persistent distrust
              * repeated failures of self-protection
       7. Alterations in systems of meaning:
              * loss of sustaining faith
              * sense of hopelessness and despair

The Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders states that: 

In chronic stress, the organ systems of the body do not have the opportunity to return fully to normal levels. Different organs become under- or overactivated on a long-term basis. In time, these abnormal levels of activity can damage an organ or organ system. 

Many Second Generation Adults report physiological symptoms that, at the very least, are confusing, and in other ways, absolutely debilitating. Conditions might appear when there is no previous family medical history. This is an area that medicine would be wise to study; currently, while these findings are gathered from  generally non-scientific sources, with what we know about stress and its effects on  the body, the correlations are staggering. SGAs have reported chronic, persistent:

• Problems with motivation, self-care, or a sense of futility
• Repetitive or compulsive behaviors associated with anxiety
• Any behaviors that cause harm to the body, thinking about wanting to die, or suicide attempts 
• Allergies and asthma
• Immune system problems (fevers, frequent infections, lymph node enlargement, chronic sore throat)
• Tightness, heaviness, or pain in the throat or chest
• Heart rate irregularities
• Chemical or food sensitivities
• Skin inflammation (both intermittent and chronic)
• Hormonal problems including thyroid disorders and adrenal fatigue
• Reproductive problems including Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome 
• Issues with weight or appetite (high or low)
• Digestion problems, ulcers, stomach pain, or nausea
• Lower bowel pain, diarrhea, or irritable bowel
• Headaches, migraines or sensitivity to light and sound
• Dizziness, lightheadedness, or problems with balance
• Fatigue, lack of muscle strength, or muscle pain
• Neck or back stiffness or pain
• Joint stiffness or pain
• Sleep disturbances

The purpose of sharing this list is not to diagnose or suggest that an authoritarian environment always causes these disorders. Awareness, however, is important, especially if you or someone you know struggles with something that has no rational explanation, and where treatment has been ineffective. Please consider these symptoms that are shared in overwhelming proportions by others from this lifestyle, and seek wisdom from God. He will guide you as you seek healing and truth about your body, about your past.

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part

You will make me to know wisdom. Psalm 51:6

When Jesus said, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" He described the experience of someone on the truly narrow way. This doesn't mean that we won't have the practical daily work of life, of relationships, of fighting against sin, and of healing. But  our Leader is gentle and lowly in heart. What a contrast to authoritarians, who trouble souls and lay heavy burdens and impossible yokes on our backs. While it may be stressful to correlate such conditions with the context of  a beloved family, remember that facing truth is the first step towards healing. Facing truth does not betray or suggest lack of honor or love; rather, it acknowledges a willingness to let God enter hidden, painful places. Walking with God through the symptoms you experience as an adult might lead  to dark and ugly roots ~ but the Healer's light paves the way for healing and for life.

In Part 3, we will look at cultic criteria in light of Christianity.

© 2010 Hillary McFarland
Partially adapted from Quivering Daughters ~ Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy, available summer 2010. 
_______

For further reading:
Born or Raised in High-Demand Groups: Developmental Considerations, Leona Furnari, L.C.S.W.
Strengths & Challenges of People Born or Raised in a Cult

The Cultic Family, Part I

*Note: This article is sensitive in nature and potentially controversial. Please pray before contemplating the material I've provided because it could be triggering, offensive, or even painful to read. Please note that I am not a health professional. The following resource is not a substitute for medical or psychological advice; please use discernment while reading and following any links.

ife in an authoritarian environment causes many  women to experience severe emotional and spiritual stumbling blocks. Some of these include shame, fear, self-condemnation, difficulty trusting those in authority, knowing God, and understanding truth. Issues of the heart and spirit have been addressed at length, but of less renown are some of the physical effects caused by prolonged periods of extreme control. And in the context of a deeply religious family, when one is born and raised in such a milieu, the ramifications on flesh can be especially destructive.

Within high-demand groups, like cults, for instance, members often have what's known as a "pre-cult identity". Recovery requires  that one reconnects with the person they were prior to group involvement. In other words, remembering life before the cult enables ex-members to reestablish life on their own and heal from cultic abuse. SGAs ~ Second Generation Adults ~ are those from totalitarian groups who do not have a pre-cult identity to fall back on to aid recovery. Because those from cultic groups and adult children from authoritarian families have such similar living environments ~ physically, psychologically, and emotionally ~ we will look at both in this article.

The Family Cult

'Cult' is a loaded term. For mainstream society, it is equated with images of mass-suicide, freakish decorum, and weird sex, satanic, or religious rituals highly propagated by the cinematic experience. While all of these are indicative of cultish behavior, not all cults participate in extremely bizarre or physically destructive antics.

Traditional cults can be religious, political, or commercial in nature and meet definite criteria. Standards recognized by mental health professionals and experts around the world include:

• Authoritarian control of members, including psychological, financial, behavioral, lifestyle, etc.
  
• Totalitarian, pyramid system of power (top down)
  
• Thought reform and mind altering techniques
• Co-dependence on the group and its leader
  
• Deceptive, manipulative tactics of recruitment and fund-raising
  
• Increased isolation of members from family, friends, society, and the world
• Use of fear to retain, control, and manipulate members
• Charismatic, dynamic, or attractive leader, generally self-appointed
• Zero tolerance for questioning or criticizing the group or its leader
  
• Exclusivity, secrecy
  

For every cult leader, thought reform and mind control are indispensable tools for achieving and maintaining a vestige of authority and dominion. Universally accepted as an authoritative resource, Robert Lifton's Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism lists eight distinctives of totalitarian cults.

• Milieu Control. This involves the control of information and communication both within the environment and, ultimately, within the individual, resulting in a significant degree of isolation from society at large.
• Mystical Manipulation. There is manipulation of experiences that appear spontaneous but in fact were planned and orchestrated by the group or its leaders in order to demonstrate divine authority or spiritual advancement or some special gift or talent that will then allow the leader to reinterpret events, scripture, and experiences as he or she wishes.
• Demand for Purity. The world is viewed as black and white and the members are constantly exhorted to conform to the ideology of the group and strive for perfection. The induction of guilt and/or shame is a powerful control device used here.
• Confession. Sins, as defined by the group, are to be confessed either to a personal monitor or publicly to the group. There is no confidentiality; members' "sins," "attitudes," and "faults" are discussed and exploited by the leaders.
• Sacred Science. The group's doctrine or ideology is considered to be the ultimate Truth, beyond all questioning or dispute. Truth is not to be found outside the group. The leader, as the spokesperson for God or for all humanity, is likewise above criticism.
• Loading the Language. The group interprets or uses words and phrases in new ways so that often the outside world does not understand. This jargon consists of thought-terminating clichés, which serve to alter members' thought processes to conform to the group's way of thinking.
• Doctrine over person. Member's personal experiences are subordinated to the sacred science and any contrary experiences must be denied or reinterpreted to fit the ideology of the group.
• Dispensing of existence. The group has the prerogative to decide who has the right to exist and who does not. This is usually not literal but means that those in the outside world are not saved, unenlightened, unconscious and they must be converted to the group's ideology. If they do not join the group or are critical of the group, then they must be rejected by the members. Thus, the outside world loses all credibility. In conjunction, should any member leave the group, he or she must be rejected also.

Cult expert Stephen Hassan developed an extensive analysis of mind control termed the BITE Method. Please review this excellent resource, for his work clearly encapsulates the daily reality experienced by those within aberrant groups.

What are the differences between a traditional cult and the family cult?

Definition of a Family Cult:

A family cult is a high demand family group which operates by incorporating authoritarian control, thought reform, and other cult means with spiritual abuse and emotional abuse. While physical, sexual, and intellectual abuse also feature quite prominently in many family cults, they need not always be present to qualify as such.

Of a more sinister and potentially destructive nature than the traditionally understood cult is the one-on-one, relationship, or family cult. Due to bonds one is born into, family cults differ from others physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. Even one-on-one relationships, like marriage or employee / employer encounter unique dynamics which form through legal or sexual union. I have outlined some of these differences below:

Biological / Physical differences between family and non-family cults

Although nearly every cultic group considers itself a family of its own, it is one thing to call someone your father, sister, mother, brother—and another to actually be connected biologically. The repercussions are staggering. As children, we have very specific needs designed to be met through a healthy, functional family system. Anytime dysfunction occurs, even within "normal" families, we sustain harm to our personhood—the degree of damage in direct correlation to the scope of dysfunction. This, compounded by the complex integration of thought reform, totalitarianism, and authoritarian control, subjects cult-reared children seeking amelioration to overwhelming hardship.

For a child, lack of informed consent to such a life in the beginning—and lack of pre-cult identity—complicates healing while multiplying confusion, helplessness, and other injurious disorders. Those born and raised within a cultic environment find that the ramifications of an anomalous family pose exhaustive challenges to survival, exit, and recovery. In addition, those who leave traditional cults often find relatives who accept them "home" with open arms, supporting recovery, and assisting in practical matters of daily life while the ex-cult member gets back on their feet. Those who leave a family cult essentially become cut off from their very own blood. If they lived in isolation, supportive or understanding friends may be rare, and the individual experiences extreme difficulty establishing autonomy, seeking recovery, and reconciling what feels like utter betrayal or even covert incest, akin to soul or spiritual rape.

Emotional and Intellectual differences (also: Domestic violence: emotional, domestic violence: intellectual )

Many disillusioned employees, friends, and lovers relate stories of too-good-to-be-true situations turning into abusive nightmares when damaging, controlling traits emerge from the dominant partner—usually the one with assumed authority. In addition to the harmful elements of toxic bonds, a victim finds recovery challenged by issues of guilt, shame, low self-esteem and self-hatred for unwittingly entering such relationships in the first place.

Not that these things don't occur within traditional cult models, but the psychological effects of family abuse exponentially increases damage. Intellectual abuse—the systematic, prolonged degradation or criticism of another's thoughts, ideas, mind, and intellect—is especially devastating within the dependent or codependent relationship cultivated by a high-demand group. The same applies to emotional abuse—an environment which promotes continual shaming, criticism, or neglect of wants, needs, desires, feelings, and emotions—by a dominant partner, father, husband or figure(s) of authority. Whereas we may experience these things from others in the world, to grow up in an environment promoting abuse of heart and mind is especially challenging. When the one place where you should be safe and nurtured is in reality cruel, dangerous and toxic, members experience the full impact of dysfunction. Internalized, this can create numerous maladies, ranging from depression and PTSD to chronic fatigue, immune, and hormonal disorders, to name a few. The rejection of personhood by one's own blood is a debilitating yet all-too-common reality of family cults.

Motivational differences

Traditional cult leaders are conventionally motivated by lust for wealth and power. Through exhaustive loyalty, relentless fund-raising, working, and essentially begging for money, followers demonstrate undying devotion to either the person or the cause they represent. Many ask, what could be the motivation for a family or one-on-one cult leader? What does he or she hope to gain?

Relationship-based cult leaders are driven by power, yes, but equally so by vision, ideology, or personality. While narcissism is a likely underlying factor of every leader, many cultists have a kind of righteous disdain for wealth or other worldly desires. These cults have deeper, arguably more detrimental ambitions. Some pursue poverty and asceticism, decrying the very thing that compels the stereotypical model. For families, matters of control, unworldliness, and extremist beliefs prove more important even than one's own children, thus demonstrating doctrine over person, rejection, and / or abandonment in a most excruciating way.

Spiritual

Most family cults are religious in framework. They rely heavily on extremist or fundamentalist dogma to determine lifestyle, behavior, and belief. While doctrine isn't necessarily what makes a family or any group a cult—behavior does—spiritual abuse will always be present within the religious cultic family.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse is the damaging, harmful behavior which results from, or is affected by, spiritual belief. While most commonly associated with the practices of fundamentalist religious groups, similar effects can occur within non-religious families as well. Ideology stemming from deep-seated, life-governed convictions (i.e., vegetarianism, atheism, etc.) can have the same spiritual effects as those of a religious nature.

David Henke of Watchman Fellowship outlines what he believes are five essentials of spiritual abuse:

1) Authoritarian

The most distinctive characteristic of a spiritually abusive religious system, or leader, is the over-emphasis on authority. Because a group claims to have been established by God Himself the leaders in this system claim the right to command their followers.
This authority supposedly comes from the position they occupy. In Matthew 23:1-2 Jesus said the Scribes and Pharisees "sit in Moses' seat," a position of spiritual authority. Many names are used but in the abusive system this is a position of power, not moral authority. The assumption is that God operates among His people through a hierarchy, or "chain of command." In this abusive system unconditional submission is often called a "covering," or "umbrella of protection" which will provide some spiritual blessing to those who fully submit. Followers may be told that God will bless their submission even if the headship is wrong. It is not their place to judge or correct the leadership - God will see to that.

2) Image Conscious

The abusive religious system is scrupulous to maintain an image of righteousness. The organization's history is often misrepresented in the effort to demonstrate the organization's special relationship to God. The mistaken judgments and character flaws of its leaders are denied or covered up in order to validate their authority. Impossibly high legalistic standards of thought and behavior may be imposed on the members. Their failure to live up to these standards is a constant reminder of the follower's inferiority to his leaders, and the necessity of submission to them. Abusive religion is, at heart, legalism.
Abusive religion is also paranoid. Because the truth about the abusive religious system would be quickly rejected if recognized, outsiders are shown only a positive image of the group. This is rationalized by assuming that the religion would not be understood by "worldly" people; therefore they have no right to know. This attitude leads to members being secretive about some doctrines and the inner policies and procedures of the group. Leaders, especially, will keep secrets from their members. This secrecy is rooted in a basic distrust of others because the belief system is false and can not stand scrutiny.

3) Suppresses Criticism

Because the religious system is not based on the truth it cannot allow questions, dissent, or open discussions about issues. The person who dissents becomes the problem rather than the issue he raised. The truth about any issue is settled and handed down from the top of the hierarchy. Questioning anything is considered a challenge to authority. Thinking for oneself is suppressed by pointing out that it leads to doubts. This is portrayed as unbelief in God and His anointed leaders. Thus the follower controls his own thoughts by fear of doubting God.

4) Perfectionistic

A most natural assumption is that a person does not get something for nothing. Apart from the express declarations of salvation by grace through faith God has given in the scriptures, it would be natural to think that one must earn salvation, or at least work to keep it. Thus, in abusive religions all blessings come through performance of spiritual requirements. Failure is strongly condemned so there is only one alternative, perfection. So long as he thinks he is succeeding in his observation of the rules, the follower typically exhibits pride, elitism, and arrogance. However, when reality and failure eventually set in, the result is the person experiences spiritual burnout, or even shipwreck of his faith. Those who fail in their efforts are labeled as apostates, weak, or some other such term so that they can be discarded by the system.

5) Unbalanced

Abusive religions must distinguish themselves from all other religions so they can claim to be distinctive and therefore special to God. This is usually done by majoring on minor issues such as prophecy, carrying biblical law to extremes, or using strange methods of biblical interpretation. The imbalanced spiritual hobby-horse thus produced represents unique knowledge or practices which seem to validate the group's claim to special status with God.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Steve Hein from Eqi.org writes:

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Defining Abuse

The following is taken from the website of the United States Department of Justice.

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.

Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

The Characteristics of Religious Family Cults

Using Lifton's criteria for a totalitarian environment with Henke's traits of spiritual abuse, I would like to identify and examine the earmarks of a cultic, fundamentalist family and any significant variants. While my emphasis is parental versus offspring, many of these will also apply to one-on-one relationships such as husband and wife, boss and employee, teacher and student, or any other personal liaison featuring exploited levels of hierarchy and / or abuse of authority.

• Authoritarian Structure—The abuse of authority, with or without accountability. Matricentric or patricentric families—mother-centered or father-centered—are by nature authoritarian as the behavior, decisions, or ideology of offspring, including those in adulthood who remain at home, are dictated and controlled. This places god-like superiority on the parent and promotes a fear or performance-based environment.
  
• Image Conscious—The appearance of evil clause, proof-texted from a verse in the King James Bible which states, "Abstain from all appearance of evil"  is effective for behavior control by placing heavy emphasis on "our witness", "what people will think" and "how things look"—to the extent of revering image or reputation over truth or what is real. Many fundamentalist families who do not wish to be identified as "of the world" go to great lengths to be "different" or "peculiar".
  
• Suppresses Criticism—Those who parent according to cultic models do not tolerate query of belief, doctrine, or personal lifestyle choices. Purporting the name of God and personal interpretation of Biblical passages is sufficient to quell critique, for this "stops thought" by appealing to something greater and effectively squelches protest or examination. Those who continue are labeled rebellious, disobedient, strong-willed, disorderly, unruly, wayward, worldly, anti-authority, or ungodly. In some cases, the removal of the "rebellious one" is deemed an appropriate measure for the "protection" of other family members.
  
• Perfectionistic—Impossibly high standards are established for even very young children. Demands for instant obedience followed by harsh or punitive measures for those who fall short, exhaustive expectations, and striving for perfection are daily disciplines. Insistence on law and rulership establishes a shame-based environment of condemnation, failure, and unworthiness for those who do not measure up.
  
• Imbalanced—As humans make mistakes in life, it is natural to see dysfunction from time to time as one learns, adapts, adjusts, and relates to others. What makes a high-demand group different is the imbalance. A cultic family gravitates towards extremes. All or nothing and black-and-white thinking dominate reality; for instance, a demand for perfection without equal measures of grace. Exact interpretations of Biblical text, particularly of more obscure passages, for example, a literalistic view of Scripture which binds Gentiles to Mosaic Law. Legalism; judgment without mercy. Rigid standards to determine another's commitment to God, salvation, growth.
  
• Manipulation—Mystical: The "authority covering"  is upheld as a protective spiritual talisman against evil befalling daughters. Emotional: Performance-based relationships offer reward for "correct" behavior through praise, approval, love. Negative reinforcement of shame, guilt, fear, confusion, and criticism are used to emotionally punish those in the wrong.
• Cognitive Dissonance—When conduct does not match the words, creating confusion. The "subtle message". A mother might say, "We don't expect you to be perfect. Just do your best," and then withhold approval or validation, conveying disappointment, shame, and the message that "You aren't worthy of me. You aren't good enough." Most parents will not say things directly but though manipulative tactics communicate praise or shame to get the performance they desire.
  
• Bounded Choice, or Deception—Attempting to control the outcome of a situation using spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, or physically manipulative tactics. Letting others believe they are making a decision, when in reality maneuvering their options to limit, and therefore ensure or predict, the result. 
• Separatism or Demand for Purity—"We must be separate from the world and those who believe differently than us." "We fellowship with like-minded families." The impure are taught that to remain unrepentant or degenerate according to a given interpretation results in sickness or other disorders, up to or including death, exclusion from family, dis-fellowship from God, and hell. Some families home school, have distinctive style of dress and adornment, conduct home church meetings or home fellowships, live in secluded or agrarian areas, refrain from using banks or checking accounts, birth children at home, decline birth certificates, social security numbers and driver's licenses, choose to prevent children from association with neighborhood or public-schooled kids, decline modern conveniences, and adopt an ascetic lifestyle.
  
• Confession—Sharing and transparency, lack of boundaries, and exposing secrets are present in virtually every dysfunctional, cultic family. Siblings are encouraged—whether directly or through positive reinforcement—to keep mom and dad updated on activities, feelings, ideas, and any drama that may unfold. Extended criticism sessions, whether private or in front of family members, serve two purposes: to keep everyone on their toes, and to control behavior through the "hot seat" experience. "Sinning" children are used as an example to others. Confession is supported by an appeal to Biblical humility, the admission of sins, and has a hypnotic, dissociative effect whereby "correct" doctrine can be submitted to the wayward child.
  
• Loading the Language—Cultic parents utilize phrases familiar to family members which are effective for controlling the thinking, activities, and choices made by their children. Within the fundamentalist family, key Biblical words such as "walking in the flesh" "of the world" "rebellion is as witchcraft" and others are examples of effective terminology which checks the thoughts and behavior of offspring, often through an appeal to the emotional nature. What child, adult or not, wants to be thought of as walking in the flesh? Therefore, behavior is altered to reflect what the dominant parent deems to be true.
  
• Sacred Science—Rigidly dogmatic, fundamentalist families have little to no accountability and claim to have found the truth—the only version, even within their professed faith. Often the father claims to hear from God on behalf of his family and relays it to his children. Beliefs are qualified by calling such "the Biblical way" or the "godly way", based on personal interpretation. Those who do not subscribe to the same way of thinking are considered worldly, serving the flesh, and in some cases, unsaved. In the instances where these words are not uttered directly, judgmental attitudes and subtle messages imply superiority. Elitism is common.
• Doctrine over person (or, "doctrine before daughter")—Personhood—being; worth and value as a human, including rights, thoughts—is subject to reigning ideology. Rules over relationship. Law over grace. Spoken or subtle, the message teaches that "You don't matter unless you conform to our beliefs." Or in other cases, "We won't accept or support you if you do not share our convictions."  There is often more concern for submission to authority and to family values than for the individuals themselves.
  
• Dispensing of existence—Children who do not conform to the cultic family dynamic are labeled, shunned, and treated as though they do not exist or are of little value. Love, affection, attention or approval are withdrawn until change becomes evident. Those, particularly daughters, who leave the family in a manner deemed worldly (i.e., not for reasons of marriage, etc) are considered worldly, wicked, fallen, apostate, rebellious and are often directly or indirectly held up as "what not to do" or "what not to be" to children left at home. 
• Fear—"Good versus evil", "us versus them". The cultic family is compelled by fear and controlled by fear. The motivations which drive parents to adopt this way of life are based on fear of the world, fear of apocalypse, fear of rebellious children, fear of government, fear of mistakes.
  
• Totalist Control—Fear-based, authoritarian families by nature must maintain absolute power over offspring and are most widely recognized by exhaustive levels of control involving every element of life. Informational—books, media, newspapers, music are sharply censored. Financial—older children who work are often expected to contribute to household expenses. Thought—religious belief, worldview, ideas. Behavioral—what is acceptable or not is communicated through performance-based manipulation. Emotional—Ironically, appealing to emotions, such as using guilt to motivate or shame to change, cultic parents convey the message regarding when, if, and which emotions are acceptable. "You shouldn't feel angry. Pray about your anger." Fear, guilt, and shame are the most common emotions used to coerce change. Physical—Choice and behavior, often including marriage, work, schooling, living arrangements, diet, discipline, daily activities, if, how, and when to get a driver's license, what type of church to attend, etc.
• Codependency, enmeshment—Within a fundamentalist family cult, autonomy is the enemy, for if one begins to think and reason independently, the entire family dynamic is threatened. (Hence the quick use of labels—"rebellious", "worldly"—as a thought-stopping, controlling mechanism.) Cultivating codependency is an effective way to at least challenge the onset of autonomous behavior; in addition, language such as "always""never" and others allude to extremes and reinforce codependency. Some refer to this as covert or emotional incest—the use of a child by a parent or sibling to meet psychological, emotional, non-sexual, or religious adult needs.
• Lack of boundaries—As a result of codependency or enmeshment, lack of emotional and physical boundaries occurs. Within an unhealthy family, where individualism is discouraged and privacy is little to non-existent, the lines which determine "this is where you stop, and I begin" become blurred and erased. Members essentially spill into one another while confusion, dysfunction, and toxicity increase.
  

Some of the characteristics I've listed can be argued as responsible parental behavior. It is important to note that family cults, more often than not, comprise numerous offspring, based on Militant Fecundity or the Quiverfull concept; many of whom are adults still living at home. Certainly it is not my contention to state that adult children should not, for religious reasons, remain at home, but the misuse of authority, totalist control, thought reform, and all abuses are destructive, regardless of one's age, personality, theology, gender, or position.

Also, while not every feature will apply to each cultic family, those born and raised within any authoritarian, high-demand environment will experience challenges similar to those of a more extreme nature.

**In Part II we will continue with a look at the ways such an environment affects the physical body.

© 2010 Hillary McFarland

Heartbroken

Friends, normally I don't "name names" on Quivering Daughters. As my FAQ states, I believe for the purposes of this blog it distracts from hurting souls to make it a point to highlight particular teachers and ministries. But my heart is broken today. And sometimes not naming names leads to hurting souls. I have prayed that Michael and Debi Pearl's ministry No Greater Joy would show compassion upon a little girl who was murdered by those who were devoted followers of their writings. True, NGJ is not directly responsible. But the teaching that influenced the parents of Lydia Schatz has proven itself more than once to result in death. Please, please, please hold them accountable for their teaching! And if not for their teaching, then for the lack of compassion towards those who raise very legitimate concerns . . . and furthermore, for the family which is now in pieces.

*Edited to add: when followers adopt teaching and misunderstand or misapply the message to the point of a little girl's death, the message needs to be adjusted. Amended. Re-communicated. We need to see humility, not mockery.

Link: Michael Pearl Laughs at Critics

How Many More Little Girls Need to Die?

ou shall know them by their fruits, says Jesus.  And the life of little Lydia Schatz ended recently in tragedy. For an intimate, heartwrenching, behind-the-scenes account, view this post by Laurie M. I beseech parents, teachers, and fundamentalist leaders . . . Please humble yourselves and examine the fruits of what you teach, what you believe, and of your lifestyle! If it is good, it will remain. But how many children will be sacrificed on the altar of white-washed idolatry? 

HOW MANY MORE LITTLE GIRLS 
NEED TO DIE?

Other bloggers concerned about this:

ThatMom

TulipGirl

Quiet Garden

Virginia Knowles
Muse Mama

Facing Abuse in the Christian Family

s women from deeply religious, conservative families, most of us can say without a doubt that our parents truly desired to live righteously and raise us in a godly manner. Drawing from biblical texts, through prayer and selective external influence, our parents did the best they could to ensure we would grow up to seek the Lord, to love Him, and to walk in obedience to His voice. To have a pure heart and to take a stand against worldliness, and be strong Christians. While exceptions may exist, I have not heard from one young woman who believes her parents intentionally, willfully tried to damage her.

And yet, abuse and heartache abounds. Where does this leave us? We can ignore it and pretend it goes away. We can live our days in denial. Or we can let the Healer do what He came to do ~ and help us face our pain, and make us whole.

But in a sad, strange irony, those who attempt facing issues of childhood pain, abuse, and family dysfunction often encounter objections.

• "You are just blaming your parents."
• "Why can't you take responsibility for your own sin?"
• "Love covers a multitude of sins."
• "They did the best they could. You shouldn't judge."
• "Just forgive."
• "If you honored your parents, you wouldn't bring this up."
• "Leave the past in the past."

These responses are unhelpful and crippling in the least, with potential for inexpressible emotional, spiritual, and physical damage at the worst.

Let's say you draw a bath for your baby and unwittingly make the water too hot. And after you place him in the tub, you notice that his skin blisters and burns through your inadvertent mistake. If you dismiss these very real concerns by defending your actions, saying, "But I didn't mean to," or "I meant well," what's to become of his poor little skin?

And say you ignore them and he grows up with scars. Yes, there is a chance he will forgive you. But as an adult, if he desires to discover the truth of his scars and seek recovery, he must take necessary steps to address the well-intentioned (because he did need to bathe) fruits of your mistake. Would you begrudge him this?

And when scars touch not only skin, but heart and soul ~ what then?

The only way healing can occur is to acknowledge the truth of pain and abuse. Sometimes this gets messy. Parents get defensive. Daughters (or sons) feel torn. Yet Scripture teaches that the fruits of doctrine, teachers, and those in authority reveal whether something is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. And in most cases, the fruits of patriocentric, fundamentalist doctrines are bad. Depression, chronic fatigue, self-injury, attempted suicide, and murder are just a few serious ramifications from doctrines of man perpetuated in patriarchal households.

Consider that it is actually honoring to parents for children to examine the abusive environments that affect them even into adulthood. Because this way they can heal and learn how not to perpetuate the same lies, the same hurts within their own families. Parents, particularly Christian parents who claim to want to "be a light" or a "witness" or to "transform the culture", should be overjoyed that their offspring seek recovery from false teaching, lies, and spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical abuse.

If you have been injured by some of the common objections to seeking recovery, realize that these only serve to perpetuate pain and denial and keep you from receiving the healing touch of Jesus ~ who came to heal the brokenhearted, to set free the oppressed, and to bind up their wounds. Don't let others stand in the way of Christ.

Considering a Godly Response to Unhealthy Authority | Guest Post

By James A. Karpowitz

In a prior post I cited some examples of unhealthy authority, that which is abusive, domineering or controlling or which serves its own purposes and personal security. So how do we as believers respond to the abuse of authority in a godly manner? Since the scope of Quivering Daughters addresses issues within the family structure, my comments will be in that context. You can, of course, make other applications as you see fit. It’s difficult to get down to specifics without knowing more of a given situation but knowing what to do with a specific situation starts with some general guiding principles.

A godly response begins within the heart prior to any external, observable actions. Jesus addressed the heart motivations of people, those unseen components of our lives defining why we do what we do. This is an important truth to understand because you may have had your own motives wrongly questioned or criticized by someone either in authority or in pseudo-authority. If you want them to question your loyalty, just refuse to be manipulated and dominated. If you want them to doubt your spiritual maturity, don’t accept a burden that isn’t yours to carry. However, if you want to be labeled “rebellious”, complete with a tee shirt and a certificate suitable for framing, just take a contrary position to a person trying to claim (or subject you to) authoritarian rule in your life. Trust me, it will work. Is it rebellious, however, to make a personal decision as an adult that may or may not be in concert with a decision your parents would make? Is it rebellious to make decisions, period, rather than waiting to be told what to do? Is it rebellious to disagree with a husband concerning a matter of, say, a child’s well being?

Christian Isolationism: Be Ye Holy?

Proverbs 18:1
A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire;
He rages against all wise judgment.

Isolationism.

It is a response to the Biblical mandate to:

“ Come out from among them
And be separate, says the Lord.
Do not touch what is unclean,
And I will receive you.”

Or to be peculiar, as the KJV states in 1 Peter 2 and Titus 2.

What does this look like within a patriocentric family?

Obviously, this extreme form of separation is not practiced by all homeschooling or Quiverfull households. It is imperative, however, that we are aware and understand certain factors of this lifestyle, for untold numbers of Christian brothers and sisters promote the "righteousness" and "godliness" of this way, and many children are being raised in seclusion. It is impossible to calculate statistics due to the very nature of desolation and privacy, which is a right claimed with fervor by those who support this way of life. I grieve at the lack of godly balance and grace that wrecks havoc upon the lives--spiritually, physically, intellectually, and emotionally--of the ones who would be considered "the least of these" in such a family.

Mark 9:36 Then He took a little child and set him in the midst of them. And when He had taken him in His arms, He said to them, ³⁷ “Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me.”

Matthew 10:42 And whoever gives one of these little ones only a cup of cold water in the name of a disciple, assuredly, I say to you, he shall by no means lose his reward.

Matthew 25:35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? ³⁸ When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? ³⁹ Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

Mark 9:41 For whoever gives you a cup of water to drink in My name, because you belong to Christ, assuredly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward. ⁴² “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea. ⁴³ If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched—

A cup of cold water

Jesus took seriously the welfare of children, to the point of telling his disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones."

In our culture, both religious and mainstream, we have adopted a very lax approach to the concept of offense, or offending. We bristle at certain words, taking offense. Ideas or manner of dress that we find distasteful offend our sensibilities. We are quick to take offense at even some very innocuous things--I confess I have done so myself, forgetting what is important in light of eternity and the souls of those created in the image of God.

It is interesting to study what it is, truly, to offend or cause offense.

Just a few results from thesaurus.com, words that can be used interchangeably with offend:

• sin
• anger
• distress
• pain
• hurt
• wound
• abuse

Definitions from dictionary.com:

• to irritate, annoy, or anger; cause resentful displeasure in.
• to affect (the sense, taste, etc.) disagreeably.
• to violate or transgress (a criminal, religious, or moral law).
• to hurt or cause pain to.
• to cause to fall into sinful ways.

The Jesus who beckons little children to come to Him is the One who did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. He is the One who cares about the least of these, and who exhorts us to become as they. He is the One whom healthy parents should emulate, as He, the Lord of Heaven and Earth, tenderly knelt before His disciples and washed their feet.

Common Features of an Isolationist Lifestyle

Many Christian Isolationists feel a conviction to go back-to-the-land-- Agrarianism /Biblical Agrarianism / Agrarian Separatist Philosophy --to live what they consider to be a simple life, free from the materialism, secularism, and influence of modern culture. This is also closely related to Asceticism, which is the practice of "doing without" or "going without" for religious reasons. Many ascetics believe that most pleasures, many comforts, and modern conveniences are worldly and distract from the things of God, whereas hard work and physical labor are representative of righteous living. The drudgery of farm life is revered. Keeping busy, many reason, ensures that people simply will not have the time, energy, or inclination to live "foolishly."

Pooling strength and resources, some agrarians reside in intentional communities, groups of like-minded individuals who live, worship, and work together, sometimes even school their children together. Even with this abbreviated level of relationship, the community as a whole, as an extended family, remains largely sequestered from the world except for what is necessary interaction for survival. While religious communities such as the Amish lead such rustic lives, the FLDS is one that does not, necessarily, operate in this manner, although other factors still apply.

While not all isolationist families are tucked away in rural areas, a common feature between them and their urban counterparts are the levels of disconnection and disassociation from the outside world. It is a purposeful withdrawal, and nearly always for strict, religious reasons.

At its core, while blanketed with scriptures that admonish separation from the world, Christian isolationism is about control. In these families, the parents, usually the father, strictly monitor books and other media allowed into the home, including news-feed and news-sources. Many do not allow Internet or television; it is common for such families to rely upon shortwave radio for "unbiased" reflections regarding "what really goes on in the world." In the name of godliness, for training in righteousness, practically every element in life, from the making of simple decisions to how much "free" time a child is allowed, is governed with alacrity.

Beliefs, thoughts, ideas, and other elements of psychological grooming are carefully guided to reflect popular family tenets; again, this is ensured through selective influence. Limited social interaction guarantees against unwanted persuasion. Proponents see this as godly sheltering, a responsible obligation of conscientious, biblical parenting.

Indoctrination, secrecy, and fear are some of the biggest factors that contribute to, and promote, isolationism and the isolationist mentality.

Isolationists are generally quick to draw upon their rights for privacy and freedom of choice when their way of life is called to question. "It is none of their business" is a frequent rationale. Any mistreatment--or perceived harassment--is relegated to the spiritual element of persecution or spiritual attack, a "test". Secrets and secrecy abound. Many follow conspiracy theories and speak rebellion against the government. Fear is used as a method of control and manipulation, while simultaneously many patriocentric isolationists dwell under fear themselves--fear of losing their freedom, fear of being "found", fear of Y2K, fear of losing children to the world.

An even smaller number of Christian isolationists join militia and kinist organizations (WARNING: potentially offensive link).

Although not confined to isolationism, homeschooling is a prevalent feature. Many families are Quiverfull, and several espouse Dominionism and Christian Reconstructionist philosophies.

Most of these characteristics, taken singularly or within the bounds of a healthy, humble, truly Christ-like environment, are in and of themselves, good. Whenever fear, imbalanced control, and absence of accountability are prevalent within isolated, patriocentric familial units, there is just cause for alarm.

So What is Wrong with It?

Many within remote families or communities lack balanced, healthy accountability among those in leadership or authority. This is inherently dangerous, for all of us have been tainted by the Fall; left unchecked, an imbalanced leader can exert terrible desecration upon those in his care.

Often, women raised within isolation find themselves battling issues of fear. Some lack the necessary skills to make basic decisions. Many struggle with social anxiety. Others, who choose to leave their sheltered upbringing, find themselves ill-equipped to handle practical elements of day-to-day life. While mistakes are a crucial part of learning, many women have been raised to believe that even simple blunders elicit the wrath of God, and therefore writhe in shame and self-condemnation.

But the deadliest ramification is a polluted gospel.

Although rarely stated as such, implications remain that the gospel and the Christian life are rooted through faith in a works-based religion, rather than grace-based salvation through faith in Christ. This poses serious stumbling blocks to a walk with God which can take years to overcome.

1 Peter 1:13-19
Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; ¹⁴ as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; ¹⁵ but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, ¹⁶ because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.”
¹⁷ And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; ¹⁸ knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, ¹⁹ but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.

Peter suggests that it is the aimless conduct received by tradition from the fathers from which we are redeemed; from aimless conduct which appears holy but is relegated to "ignorance", to "former lusts", and to "unholiness"! Holy conduct, according to Peter, is to "gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." It is not living a life marked by extreme forms of asceticism, isolation, or religious works!

At its foundation, isolationism promotes misplaced faith. This, in essence, is idolatry.

Benefits of Isolationism

Is all isolationism bad? Those who live an agrarian lifestyle generally learn wonderful skills that benefit both their own families, and the world--such as the extensive growth and maintenance of farmland, gardening, and animal husbandry. Many know how to preserve food, through canning or drying, and storing. Because a key conviction is to be independent of the world, many have a vast knowledge of survivalism which can be vital.

There is a lovely element of purity of mind within some children who grow within isolation; they exhibit freshness, a wonder that is beautiful to see, and the faith that Jesus commends so strongly. Many Christian families place emphasis on Scripture, which instills a strong biblical foundation in the lives of their offspring.

Debt-free living is common within such families. This is a tremendous blessing, enabling them to use resources with more freedom than those who struggle with financial matters.

But is isolationism scriptural?

Biblical living is a delicate issue among Christians. Ten individuals can interpret a single passage ten different ways. It is essential to seek the wisdom of God while following what He has laid on our hearts, and I believe that almost every family who sets out upon a separatist path does so with a desire to obey and glorify God.

It is possible to live a balanced life sheltered from the evils of our post-Christian society, but the conventional application of most isolationist families promotes an extremist, fear-based form of sheltering. Jesus prayed in John 17, "I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one." When increasing numbers of families who strive to love and serve God continue to extrapolate themselves from the darkness which overwhelms the land, where will the light so shine?

Matthew 5:14“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. ¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."

Light shining within light has little effect. A beacon in the night draws the attention of all who have eyes to see.

Just as Jesus withdrew from the multitudes to find rest, solace, and communion with His Father, there are times when we need to find sanctuary and stillness, becoming recharged for the war which rages all around us. This is a critical aspect of our Christian walk. But to intentionally keep ourselves unavailable to the ones our Lord came to seek and save is like burying our talents in the sand:

Matthew 25:25 And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours.’ ²⁶ “But his lord answered and said to him, ‘You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed. ²⁷ So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming I would have received back my own with interest. ²⁸ So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents.
²⁹ ‘For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. ³⁰ And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

"I was afraid," said the servant.

Anything based upon fear is set upon a shaky foundation, for fear is the opposite of faith, and without faith it is impossible to please God.

For those Raised in Isolation

If you have been insulated from the ravages of the world, it can seem like culture shock to finally emerge from isolation, can it not? I am working on an article addressing some of the issues that women face as they come out from isolationism and extreme conservativism.

for further reading:

Agrarianism

The Good Shepherds
A Process Driven Life
Center for Agrarian Homesteading Education
Christian Agrarianism
Christian Exodus
Biblical Agrarianism

Asceticism

Christian Asceticism: Breaking Consumerism's Hold
Asceticism
Ecological Asceticism: A Cultural Revolution

Separation

Christian Separation
Biblical Separation
The Christian and Worldliness
Engaging the Culture: Mennonites Can do it, Too (pdf)

Child Sheltering

Sheltering Children: God's Mandate to Holiness, part 1
Sheltering Children: Parental Responsibility for Influences, part 2

Dominionism and Christian Reconstructionism

Christian Reconstructionism, Dominionism, and Theonomy
Dominionism and the Rise of Christian Imperialism
Christian Reconstructionism
The Reconstructionist Movement on the New Christian Right
The Rise of Dominionism