In the Garden | Guest Post

by David Orrison

“And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.”

When I was a young pastor an older lady in my church told me that I shouldn’t use the song, “In the Garden,” because it has nothing to do with the Christian walk. She said that it was a song about lovers, rather than the Lord and His servant. I confess that I was puzzled at her words. I didn’t agree, but I didn’t understand why she would say something like that. This was an old song of the church. Surely others didn’t feel that way, did they?

Source

     Well, many years have passed since that comment and I have learned a great deal. One of the saddest things I have learned is that many, perhaps the majority, of those who consider themselves Christians have no real idea of Jesus as a friend with whom they can walk and talk and bare their hearts. Instead, they have been taught to view the Lord as a petty and vindictive manager. They try hard not to make Him angry, but live with the idea that He will never really be pleased with them. How sad!

     Sad because these poor folks go through their lives without the comfort and peace that comes from knowing the Lord as the most intimate friend. For them He truly is a God who is far away.

     Sad because so many have left the faith thinking that God is mean-spirited and inconsistent, if indeed such a god exists at all. They reject the church and the teachings of the Scriptures without ever learning that the Christian faith is first and best a relationship with the One whose love overcomes all barriers.

     Sad especially because the Scriptures are so full of the love of God for us. The whole message of the gospel is about that love. It was love that moved the heart of the Father to look past our sin. It was love that led Him to reach out to you and to me and save us through His own suffering. There is a great deal of mystery in all of this, but the message of love is consistent and loud.

     Yet, even as I grieve for those who have never known a real relationship with Jesus, I confess that, for me, living in such a relationship is infrequent. The “stuff” of this world pulls my attention away from the One who loves me and often I forget that He is there and I am secure in Him. I understand “dry” times and fear and all those emotions that come from feeling small and unloved.

     But then, when I return to those “garden” times, I find Him again and He reassures me and tells me that He has never stopped loving me. He has forgiven all my sin and I am whole and free in Him. As we walk together and talk, my confidence in Him returns and I know that His love will truly conquer all.

     Yes, Jesus is a lover far beyond any human lover. He knows my whole story and accepts me. Amazing love!

__________

David Orrison has been a pastor for over 30 years with a sincere desire to help people know the love and grace of the Lord Jesus.  He holds a PhD in Theology from Trinity Seminary.  He has worked with pastors and other church leaders who have been discouraged by the expectations and failures of ministry.  He has also helped parents, spouses, and young people who have been hurt by the legalistic teaching of what he calls, “performance spirituality.”  His website, www.gracefortheheart.org, and blog, http://graceformyheart.wordpress.com, have been sources of encouragement and teaching for many.  He is available for speaking engagements as well.  He and his wife, Alice, have eight sons and live in Colorado. 

Mind Control and the Adult Child | Pt. 1

“In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children’s lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinder them from growth and maturity. Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren’t loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth —because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.” —The Over-Controlled Adult Child

In this perverse world, it's important for kids to understand their personal boundaries. "It's not okay for someone else to touch you there," a parent might say. Teaching a child how to keep her body safe involves understanding what is off-limits to others. "This part belongs to just you," she learns. "It's private and no one else is allowed to look at you there. If someone asks or tries to touch you, you scream as loud as you can and run away."

     Owning and protecting those private places are essential to being human. Violations are horrific, often causing lifelong pain, injury, and trauma to the body and the heart—as well as legal repercussions for offenders. But we have other areas that need owning and protecting, too. Other parts of us just as private and personal and off-limits to anyone else. We can choose, at appropriate times and for legitimate reasons, to allow ourselves to be influenced or touched by safe people, but self-control is important enough to God to be included in Scripture along with love, faith, and other qualities of the Fruit of the Spirit. Therefore it should be important to us.

Stewardship

     As young children, we learn healthy responsibility for ourselves from parents if they model for us appropriate self-control. Over-control, or when those in our lives take over the areas God gives us as our responsibility (or when we do this to others) is serious, especially as we grow into adulthood. Norm Wakefield illustrates from a spiritual perspective why this is dangerous:

Until Marty has a relationship with Jesus, his parents must teach, train, and demand honor and obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). However, once the Holy Spirit indwells him, Marty should be taught to walk by the Spirit in relationship with the heavenly Father. As Jesus told his disciples, "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven" (Matt. 23:9). As a son starts to walk by the Spirit, an earthly father should encourage his son's decision-making and guidance to come from a personal relationship with the heavenly Father, not himself. To the degree that the father makes the decisions and dictates the lifestyle of his believing son, to that degree he hinders his son's spiritual life. A father's role should decrease just as John the Baptist's role decreased when Jesus appeared (John 3:30). —The Curse of the Standard Bearers

     As His creation, we belong to God and yet He gives us stewardship over our own hearts, our bodies, our souls and our minds. These things belong to us. We alone answer for them on Judgment Day. What we answer for, especially where our soul and matters of eternity are concerned, is in our jurisdiction and should not be taken away from us. It's critical to be self-controlled, and when others seek inappropriate degrees of control they hinder the work of the Spirit in our life. 

     It's no wonder that Jesus calls us to love God with all we've got, with every fiber of our being. “And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength...” When the ability to do these things of our own volition is taken from us, we must make right this aspect of our lives in order to be whole.

     The answer to over-control is found in Romans 12.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. (v.1)

"You" present yourself. Your parents, pastor, husband, and friends cannot appropriately present your body as a living sacrifice. How this looks will be different for everyone, which makes it crucial to hear God's voice and will for your life.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (v. 2)

Being conformed means to be squeezed from the outside—which is undue influence or control, whether we allow it, or whether it is projected onto us. Transformation, however, comes from within and is a direct result of walking in the Spirit. Let's look again at verse 2, paraphrased according to the understood verbiage of our language:

And [you] do not be conformed to this world, but [you] be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

When we are filled with the Spirit and walk in Him, He is the One who renews our minds for the purpose of living in obedience and proving the perfect will of God. Yet when we are hindered by others who insist that we follow their will, or their ideas of what is good and acceptable and perfect, we won't be able to prove God's.

     We cannot serve two masters.

     The pivotal point in that verse is the renewing of your mind. Only you with the Holy Spirit can renew your mind. God doesn't force Himself on us. Yet mind-control is overwhelmingly present within authoritarian families. Healing from mind-control is essential for us to be free, for where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty.

     Next week we will begin looking at ways mind control manifests within high-demand groups and compare it with the authoritarian family.

Grace With a Floppy Face

I don't sew much anymore, but when I was six years old, a thoughtful gift from my mom  ~ a cookie tin stuffed with my very own red pincushion, thread, buttons, and delightful squares of fabric ~ launched several years of  me curling up on my bed, trailing awkward stitches in whatever scraps of calico I could find. I spent hours at Wal-mart looking at rows of colorful cotton, imagining everything I could make with the materials. I loved to create things, to bring beauty and joy using ribbon and satin, rosettes and yarn, muslin and batiste.

     As I grew older and perfectionism set in, this affected my sewing as well. Unhappy with the slightest pucker in a hem, I'd rip the whole thing out and start new, fresh. Even though no one else could see interior seams, the slightest fray that I knew was there grated on my mind like nails on chalkboard, prompting me to devour a book from the library on Sewing the Perfect Seam and then transforming simple patterns into French couture ~ on the inside, at least. Sometimes, when projects became hopelessly befuddled and beyond [perfect in my eyes] repair, I abandoned them to my little sisters who gleefully added them to their own collections. It got so bad that at one point, sentimental me-who-keeps-everything threw away the very first project I made with my birthday sewing kit: a floppy little dolly which I thought was dreadfully ugly.

     But my mom saw something in her I didn't, fished her out of the trash, and stuck her away in a special place.

 _______________________

    

     The thing about perfectionism is that it eventually leads to burnout. It's tough to gather motivation for a new project when we know how draining it is to complete it to standard. It's hard to keep "fighting the good fight" when every day we fail to measure up. Perfectionism becomes a ruthless master, killing, stealing, destroying, and ravaging our lives. Aghast at the efforts of the Galatians, Paul exclaimed, "Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" (3:3) Yet perfectionists try, and try, and try...growing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually fatigued.

I made her all by myself
when I was six.
My floppy dolly with crayon eyes and lips.
Thank you, mom.

    The truth is that God commands us to be holy. Holiness and perfection are not necessarily the same. The sacrificial lambs were required to be perfect, without spot or blemish. The Sacrificial Lamb was holy, set apart, sanctified. For those raised within authoritarian, high-demand, performance-based, image-conscious households, understanding grace comes at a personal cost because our very ideas of faith, goodness, and biblical living are wrapped up in how godly and righteous we can be. Yet what does God say?

     "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

     Perhaps what we run from most, in ourselves, is what God wants for His glory?
     Isn't this the personification of perfectionism: us running from our weaknesses, our failures, our unfinished seams? And in the arduous quest for perfection, are we unwittingly running from grace?

     I believe that until we can stop striving for perfection and rest, trusting in the One who justifies the ungodly, grace will remain elusive. Because grace is found through brokenness, through mistakes, through ugly things, through a little dolly swept from the trash bin by a mother who understood something I had yet to learn.

Grace makes the imperfect . . .

holy.

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Discover grace with us on Fridays and link to discoveries of your own...

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian

by Eric M. Pazdziora

here’s this sermon I’ve heard a few dozen times. You’ve probably heard it too. It goes like this. Some Christians are really passionate and sold out for the Lord. They do great things. They live ri­ghteously. They don’t do anything that could be considered worldly. They only listen to Christian music. They have biblical family values. They’re on fire.

And others? Well, they’re “lukewarm Christians.” Sure, they say they believe, but they’re not that committed. They show up in church to warm the pews, but they still do worldly things. You should see the way they dress and those movies and music they listen to! If only they knew all the right things to do so they could be on fire like us. Jesus says, “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth” (Rev. 3:16). That, strong children, is why you have to be on fire for the Lord. Let us pray.

Obviously, I can’t object to an exhortation to be more committed to the Lord, and I dislike “easy-believe-ism” as much as the next disillusioned evangelical does. But if you know about Spiritual Abuse, you recognize a few other all-too-familiar themes lurking in the subtext.

There’s a strong temptation to elitism there—you want to be better than all those “lukewarm” folks, don’t you? Legalism’s waiting to pounce, too; it blends in perfectly as long as you define “On fire” as “Doing our things” and “Worldly” as “Not.” All that’s left is for us to spin “I will spit you out of my mouth” as “You might be eternally lost if you don’t do our thing” and we’re practically in cult territory.

But it’s biblical, right? It even has a Bible verse in it, and you can find dozens of people interpreting that verse in exactly that way, pretty much that same sermon, even. Tweak the applications a bit and it’s good for weeks.

Well, there’s one tiny problem: That’s not what that Bible verse means. Actually, it means pretty much the opposite.

Yes, Jesus says He doesn’t like it if you’re “lukewarm.” Yes, Jesus says “I will spit you out of my mouth,” and yes, it’s true (as you’ve probably heard) that that refers to puking. But what makes Jesus want to vomit? Is it really people who claim to follow Him and still (horrors!) watch PG-13 movies with wizards in them? Is it people who claim to follow Him but are just pew-warmers?

Or is it something different? Not just a different token “worldly” action, but a completely different way of thinking about your relationship to the Lord?

The answer, like the answers to most things, is found in context. The context here is the opening chapters of the book of Revelation, that is, the part that you don’t need an advanced degree in theology or screenwriting to interpret. John records letters from Jesus to seven churches in Asia Minor, at once pointing out their sins and shortcomings and encouraging them to stand firm in what faith they have. It’s dynamite stuff; I wish I had time to expound all of it.

The letter with the “lukewarm” verse is the seventh and last, addressed to the church in Laodicea. It begins like this:

¹⁴ “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this: ¹⁵ ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.

Already this is a bit confusing, given the standard interpretation. If the “hot” people are those who are “on fire” for the Lord, then the “cold” people must be… atheists? Flagrant sinners? Crooked politicians? Richard Dawkins and his merry band of infidels? Could be, but then why does Jesus say “I wish you were cold or hot” like they’re both equally good? Surely He doesn’t consider it the same to be on fire for Him and stone-cold against Him?

¹⁶ ‘So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

That bit we know. Jesus doesn’t like lukewarm beverages. He spits them out. Insipidity, something that’s the same temperature as the room, doesn’t do it for Him.

That’s obviously a metaphor for something (unless you’re a hyper-literalist and think that Jesus drinks people). Yet there’s no mention of the behaviors we’re often told are “worldly.” Is Jesus speaking in riddles, or will He explain what He means? What’s the difference between “hot” and “cold”? What makes a person “lukewarm”?

The next verse tells us. Specifically. It even starts with “Because” so we won’t miss that it’s connected. Here’s why Jesus gets nauseated by “lukewarm” believers:

¹⁷ ‘Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked…

Oh.

Well, that’s not what they told us it meant.

The “lukewarm” people Jesus is criticizing think they have it all together, but they don’t. They think they are rich when they are actually poor; they think they can see when they are really blind; they think they need nothing when they are living on the streets. They have the worst of both worlds—all the smugness of wealth and all the neediness of poverty. They need help, but they think they’re well off.

This makes the rest of Jesus’ metaphor perfectly clear. “Lukewarm,” obviously, means a mixture of hot and cold, producing something bland and tepid. The Laodicean church combined feelings of passion for the Lord (hot) with the condition of being apart from the Lord (cold). The result is horrible: people in spiritual need who can’t recognize it because they think they’re doing great.

“Lukewarm” means “self-righteous.”

A “lukewarm Christian” is not somebody who claims to follow Jesus but also does worldly things. It’s somebody who says “I don’t do worldly things, so I’m living in God’s will.”

A “lukewarm Christian” is not somebody who claims to follow Jesus but only shows up on Sundays. It’s somebody who says, “God must be pleased with my devoted church attendance.”

A “lukewarm Christian” is not somebody who doesn’t have a quiver full of children. It’s somebody who says, “I have biblical family values, so I’m more sold out to the Lord than those feminists are.”

Lukewarm Christians are satisfied in themselves. Lukewarm Christians are proud of their spiritual commitment and pleased with all that they do for the Lord. Lukewarm Christians believe that they are living the right way, with all the right values, and all the right methods, and all the right works.

Except they aren’t. The fact that lukewarmness—self-righteousness—nauseates the Lord matches what He said (terrifyingly) about people who won’t make it into heaven:

“Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.’” (Matthew 7:22–23)

These people did great works for the Lord—even miracles—and thought well of themselves, but they missed their need for the Lord Himself. Jesus said, “Only one thing is needful,” and it isn’t to do great works for Him. Jesus wants us to trust Him, rest in Him, believe in Him, see our need for Him, get to know Him, let Him get to know us. That’s all one thing: it’s called Faith.

That may explain why Jesus says “I wish you were cold or hot.” If you’re “hot,” then of course you’re exactly where the Lord wants you to be—surrendering to the All-Consuming Fire. You’re seeing your need of Him and depending on Him to burn away your impurities and kindle your love.

If you’re “cold,” you’re apart from Him—and you feel it. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom before we learn to look up. As Martin Luther said, if you’re going to sin, you may as well sin boldly. None of this socially respectable stuff. Try it all, if that’s what it will take for you to see it doesn’t satisfy. When the Prodigal wound up in a pigsty, he realized how good his father really was. The sooner you get to the end of your rope, the sooner you’ll see your need to be rescued.

Being “cold” is just as good as being “hot,” from a salvific standpoint, because in both cases you’re seeing your need, insufficiency, and helplessness, and coming to depend on Jesus for His grace, forgiveness, and righteousness. The one fatal condition is to be needy while depending on your own righteousness. That’s disgusting. That will get you spit out of Jesus’ mouth. That’s lukewarm.

The point is not that we should be lazy, worldly, or half-hearted in our commitment to Jesus. The point is that there are much worse sins than laziness or worldliness. As C. S. Lewis said, “A cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.”

What’s the cure for lukewarmness? Jesus (again) tells us exactly in context. Here’s the rest of His letter:

¹⁸ ‘I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. ¹⁹ ‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent. ²⁰ ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. ²¹ ‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. ²² ‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

The answer is to look to Jesus. It’s to see your need and see that only Jesus can fill it. It’s to ask Him to give you whatever it takes to fill it, and to give up anything it takes to get it. It’s to let Jesus enrich you, cover you, heal you.

There’s hope. Jesus counts even the “lukewarm” people among “those whom I love”; otherwise He wouldn’t take the trouble to correct them. It’s never too late to repent and open the door to friendship with Christ. If you let Jesus sit down with you at your table, He’ll let you sit down with Him on His throne.

If you simply do that—if you open the door to Jesus, trust in Him, get to know Him, and let Him help you overcome your self-righteousness—then you’re not lukewarm anymore. You’re one who overcomes. You’re on fire.

Don’t let any of the lukewarm Christians tell you otherwise.

Eric M. Pazdziora is a recovering legalist, but doesn't like to boast about it. These days, he mostly writes words and music. He lives in Chicago with his beautiful wife Carrie and his spoiled cat Eloise. If you want to hear some of Eric's music or read some more articles, visit his website at ericpazdziora.com.

The Over-Controlled Adult Child

When I was little, I had a child's pocketbook story that illustrated, in soft pastels, the fruits of the Spirit. I could recite them in thirds like a clumsy waltz: "Love, joy, peace. Long-suffering, kindness, goodness. Faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control. Mom, what is long-suffering?" I kept these fruits close and studied them, for they were the marks of good Christians and mature people. 

source

     Patience was my nemesis. "Help me to be patient and kind!" I mourned daily, prayerfully. As the oldest, I regret how often I bossed my siblings and acted without love and gentleness. I didn't struggle with lack of faithfulness much; I was very loyal to others and while I might have felt unfaithful if I only read my Bible once per day, I placed the highest priority on my time in Scripture.  My love for Jesus and desire to be found faithful drove me to invest in my spirituality.

     But without a doubt, the most challenging fruit was self-control. It covered everything about me ~ watch what filled my mind, guard my thoughts, don't eat too much, don't overreact, watch what I say, exercise, and so forth. And as I grew, my concerned parents were careful to shelter me according to their best judgment from negative influences, ungodliness, the "world", and anything detrimental. Their control ~ of me, my environment, and my spiritual and psychological growth ~ was the result of careful consideration and their understanding of Scripture and righteousness.

The adult child

     The onset of adulthood is a convoluted subject within many conservative Christian homes. The legal age of 18 doesn't always carry weight for those concerned with being "not of the world." Yet as children mature and reach adulthood, healthy parents will relinquish the control they assume upon their offspring and trust them to God. However, as we see all-too-frequently within authoritarian households, excessive control upon adult children creates serious stumbling blocks that must be removed before we can continue to become spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy and mature.

     Within Christian parenting, an oft-quoted Scripture is found in Proverbs 22. "Train up a child in the way he should go," says verse 6, "and when he is old he will not depart from it." How this is done varies from family to family ~ rightfully so ~ and should even vary from child to child. But there is another passage with similar wording that caught my attention recently. God, the ultimate Parent, speaks to us:  

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye. Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you." (Ps. 32:8-9) 

The only way we can fully be open to His instruction, teaching, and personal guidance is to be self-controlled. Essentially this means not harnessed by any other person. With deep respect for parents trying to get it right, this also means that when we as adults are under the control of our parents, we are not fully submitted to God. And as long as we aren't wholly submitted to our heavenly Father, as long as we look to someone else, rather than the Holy Spirit, to instruct and teach us, our hearts will be divided. 

"But you, do not be called ‘Rabbi’; for One is your Teacher, the Christ, and you are all brethren. Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ." (Matthew 23:8-10)

Parental over-control

     Unfortunately, many Christian parents treat their adult children as though they must be harnessed with bit and bridle so that they will "come near you" ~ do what they want, meet their needs or ideals, achieve performance and desired behavior. In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children's lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinders them from growth and maturity.

     Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren't loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth ~ because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.

      Please join me next week for my new series about control.

Question for you:

     As an adult, perhaps even married with a family of your own, what areas of your life are still controlled by your parents? Physical control is what we think of most, but what about emotional control? Mind control? How does this affect your thinking, your living, your decisions, emotions, your significant relationships? This isn't to cast blame or to find fault, but to identify the areas of our lives that need to be healed and placed in order for God's glory.

Note: adult children from controlling households know the difference between over-control and simply "not getting their way." Comments that accuse or somehow suggest that the child is merely rebellious or restricted  or prohibited from doing "what they want" are not helpful or edifying and will be deleted.

It's Saturday Evening Blogpost Time!

I've met some awesome bloggers through Elizabeth Esther's monthly Saturday Evening Blogpost...and I think you will too! Find a favorite post you wrote in August, link it in her linky box and leave a comment, then create a post at your own site inviting readers to join, too! I am revisiting my post "Counterfeit Patriarchy" and hope that it bless you...
 

And don't forget, my own linky box is still open if you'd like to participate in our Journey to Grace. Have a lovely weekend, friends!!

For the Wounded Heart Seeking Home

 

"I just want to go home."

I barely catch them, these words. Whispers. They linger, and for a moment she looks as though she didn't speak at all, that I heard her soul's cry in silence. We sit, she and I, and her children climb across our knees, laughing and boisterous like little boys are, and the silence swirls, inviting and deafening, and tears fall.

     "I don't know if I mean home home, like heaven, or that I want to go back and be a little girl in a world where everything is okay and life doesn't hurt. I'm tired of fighting to stay alive."

     Caleb pounds me with his cotton elephant and shrieks with glee, two ivory teeth glistening with laughter. His mother weeps. "I think I miss the idea of what should be, what should've been." Eyes gather her babies with love and longing. "Then I feel guilty. I want it all to stop ~ I want it all to go away."

     Sometimes silence respects aching in mysterious ways, with quiet prayers cast heavenward rather than hesitant, awkward condolences. At least, I hope so as I fling them now, hurling quick, desperate pleas to the Keeper of our Eternal Home.

      She gulps breath, dries eyes on sleeve. I'm reminded of another sleeve: a hem, dusty, crowd-stained, grasped in desperate hands so long ago. She speaks once more: "I don't know how to make it end. I just know that it has to."   

     Priceless, these fragments of a broken heart. Warm with crimson traces of a thousand untold stories, she hands them over; my fingers drip, receiving. My own heart weeps. I think of other hands that bled so long ago and I share the burden; I hold the splinters close, and pray.   

A

nd us wounded ones who have lost parts of ourselves in the battle, who walk around with gaping, bleeding emptiness, who feel the longing for something we have lost but can never seem to find, who yearn for a home that always seems to elude us and a wholeness that is never quite ours, perhaps that aching is itself an answer from God?  That our craving for Him is a way of experiencing Him.  And in our hungering for God, we are slowly healed by God.

—Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience  
“Letters to the Wounded: When you Wonder, Where is God?”

Home.

     Like an aging veteran or rape survivor carries memory in flesh,* we have home memory. For those of us whose thoughts of home are bittersweet, who yearn to replace, relive, and redeem, the emptiness can be especially sharp. We are born with it, this innate beacon that draws us, calls us, knows what should be. We are created for home. It is no coincidence, I think, that the very idea of wholeness embedded in homeostasis begins with it. Home. What we were made for, where our heart goes and spirit returns.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit. (John 3:7-8)    

Birth is a journey made in darkness, in travail and aching, in rawness and blood. He launches us in secret, our skin and bone, and in another shadowed womb, He completes us, makes us beautiful and whole in the fullness of time. The wind blows where it wishes. Who is to say when we are finished being born? Our Redeemer doesn't miss a tear and doesn't waste our pain, and it is in this unwasted aching we find grace. Sometimes the labor is long, yet with pain comes life. Birth brings us home.

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God . . .” (Isaiah 43:1-3a)

I'd love to hear your thoughts about grace: your questions, your conclusions, your light-bulb moments. Insert a direct link into MckLinky and then compose a post at your own site, linking back to this article so others can follow with us. I look forward to discovering more of grace with you.  For more information, please click here.

*Note: graphic and potentially triggering link appropriate for mature readers. Please view with discernment.

Discover grace with us on Fridays and link to discoveries of your own...

Duck? Duck? Goose.

by Eric M. Pazdziora

few years ago, I played a game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” It was me, a few other teachers, and a room full of energetic 6–9 year olds. I sometimes find myself in odd situations like this. I’m never quite sure why.

This is the game where everyone sits in a circle and takes turns picking one person to play the part that everyone wants to play, namely “Run around the circle like a maniac and try to catch the person who picked you.” The suspense is horrible—“Duck… duck… duck…”—is it going to be you? Are they going to say “Goose?” Are you going to get to run? Thirty-five children screaming “Pick me, pick me!” But only the Goose gets to run.

Well, a pleasant enough way to burn energy for twenty minutes or so, I suppose. (My own preference in children’s game is “Everybody Just Go Ahead and Run Like a Maniac and Get It Over With,” which may be why they didn’t usually put me in charge of games.)

Afterward, we gathered the children together to move on to the next activity. One little girl, Jasmine, wouldn’t join the line. She stood off toward the corner, not saying a word. Jasmine was in my group, so I hung back to talk with her and make sure everything was OK.

At first she wouldn’t say anything. Finally she looked up at me, trying bravely to hold back the tears, and said three words. “Nobody picked me.”

My heart broke.

I knew what that was like, not being picked. There are memories I still can’t bear to remember. The lonely kid on the playground, the last one picked for the ball team, playing by himself because nobody else would—You’re me, Jasmine. That was me. Nobody picked me, either.

I said the only thing in the world I could think of to say, which I knew was hardly any comfort at all. “Well, the next time we play I’ll pick you, OK?”

She nodded. I hadn’t made it any better but I’d made it bearable.

We played a different game the next week and the week after that. A few weeks later it was time for “Duck, Duck, Goose” again. Thirty-five eager faces waiting to be picked. Duck, duck, duck.

Somehow it was my turn to pick. (Duck, duck, duck.)

This time there was no suspense at all. Just delight. Goose. I picked Jasmine.

I don’t remember whether I let her catch me. I remember her running, and I remember her smile. You couldn’t buy that smile with a million dollars. It was like Christmas morning. It was pure joy.

I know, I sound embarrassingly gallant, but really it was the only possible decent thing to have done. If you’d seen those big brown eyes looking up at you, you’d have done exactly the same. It comes so naturally. You want those eyes to smile. Only a wicked witch or the devil or an ogre or something like that could look at Jasmine trying not to cry and say “Nah, I don’t pick you. I pick someone else instead.”

This is how I believe in God. If my heart breaks and I can’t help but choose a little girl to run because she wants to, and if God is infinitely more loving than I am, then God is not a God of exclusion. He can’t be. It’s just impossible. God is love. God chooses. God picked you.

For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you. (1 Thessalonians 1:4)

But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth. (2 Thessalonians 2:13)

He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. (Ephesians 1:4-6)

It’s unfortunate that some systems of theology take Scriptures like these and spin them into questions about predestination and determinism and free will and who gets into heaven and who gets left out. There’s room in Scripture to discuss those, of course, but not here. These verses were not written to speculate about eternal destiny but to encourage you. You’re loved. You’re chosen.

God’s “choice” is intertwined with His love. The answer to the question “Who does God choose?” in these verses is specifically “You.” God loves you, so God chose you. If you’ve always wanted to be chosen, there’s Somebody who always wants to choose you.

Our problem is that, as humans, we think of choice as exclusionary. “I pick A” means “I skip B.” I order chicken for dinner, so I won’t get steak. Even in “Duck, Duck, Goose” it’s the same. I picked Jasmine, so I had to let 34 children pass by and hope that they got picked later.

But God’s ways are not ours. As Henri Nouwen has said, when God chooses, He’s choosing to include, not to exclude. These verses say God chooses, not that He rejects. He loves, not that He overlooks. God would certainly choose Jasmine because He loves her and wants her to be happy—and God loves everyone. There’s nobody God wants to leave out. There’s nobody God doesn’t want to play.

Sure, maybe Jasmine could have chosen not to run even though I picked her. (Again with that predestination/free will tension.) And Scripture seems clear enough that not all people will be saved. But is that because God—“who desires all people to be saved” (1 Tim. 2:4)—didn’t or wouldn’t choose them? Well, anyone who is lost goes away quite literally over God’s dead body, nailed to a board for the sins of the world. That’s one worth pondering.

In the end, all doctrinal speculations aside, we can say two things for sure. God loves you, and God does not reject you. Maybe everyone else will reject you. Maybe you’ll never get picked to play with the team. Even if you don’t have any friends, even if you’re rejected by your parents or your peers, even if you think nobody likes you, God loves you. God picks you. You’re chosen.

The picture to have in your mind when you think about God’s choice is not a big mass of people with some getting picked and some not. It’s that one little kid, hoping and hoping that maybe this time she’ll be picked to play, maybe this time she won’t have to be alone, maybe this time she won’t be a Duck, maybe somebody likes her after all.

And then she gets picked first.

Goose!

Eric M. Pazdziora never could get the hang of Thursdays, so he's spending them here. When he's not doing whatever it is he does, he works as a freelance composer, author, and worship leader. He lives in Chicago with his wife Carrie, who is much better looking. If you want to hear some music Eric wrote or read some more articles like this, check out ericpazdziora.com.

Question of Faith

on't forget to join us for tomorrow's feature with Eric Pazdziora, and on Friday for the first step in our Journey to Grace. I sincerely hope you will be blessed. Again, I invite you to link to your own compositions as we will dig deeply into God's grace, seeking Him in the quiet reflections and overwhelming occurrences of daily life, in Scripture, and through His Spirit.
     Question for you: if you are an adult "quivering daughter", what do you find is the most difficult stumbling block in your walk of faith, and why?

• The Bible?
• Depression?
• Shame?
• Fear?
• Hypocrisy?
• Other?

Please feel free to comment anonymously if you prefer.

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 

(Psalm 139:8)

This Week at the Quivering Daughters Blog...

ollowing the release of my book, I've been praying about the direction to take this blog and my writing. The ways God has blessed this work humbles me daily, and my heart's desire to to bring Him glory and honor through it and through other things He brings into my life. For me, part of this entails seeking balance in both the public and the private operations of my ministry ~ between writing articles, blog maintenance, nurturing the relationships I've made through it, creating thoughtful and personal followups to email and messages, and hands-on service in other ways to the body of Christ . . . and especially to the daughters of patriarchy.

I'm so excited for what's ahead! :-)

New Contributor

I'm thrilled to announce that beginning this Thursday, writer and composer Eric Pazdziora will be a weekly contributor to Quivering Daughters. Eric's love for the Lord, his passion for truth, and his grace in writing about difficult topics has blessed me tremendously and I am honored to welcome him to my blog. I hope that you, too, will be blessed by his heart and devotion to God. For a sneak peak, please view his guest post at The Cult Next Door.

Other Contributors

As the Lord leads, Lewis Wells from Commandments of Men, Darcy from Darcy's Heart-Stirrings, and a few others will become familiar faces here as well. Guest posts will run on Tuesdays.

100 Ways of Grace

I am super excited about this next feature. :-) On facebook, a dear friend noted, 

 "Please write about grace. I still don't always get it. Give examples. Say it in 100 ways. :P (if you can) :) Maybe it will continue to sink in eventually."

So, I'm going to try. :-) And yet I want to hear from you, too! Grace is  an essential element of our faith and healing . . . and yet so hard for many of us to grasp. Let's come together and share what we've learned; let's say it in a hundred ways or a thousand ways! I invite you to join me on Fridays for my new series, where I will provide a way for you to link to your own articles and thoughts about grace. I look forward to gleaning from what you have learned in your walk with the Lord. Please grab a cup of coffee and consider participating in this journey ~ and if you like, grab this button code, add it to the html portion of your website or blog, and invite your friends to join, too . . .

<center><a href="http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/search/label/journey%20to%20grace" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://i34.tinypic.com/30bfosm.jpg"/></a></center> (medium size)  <center><a href="http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/search/label/journey%20to%20grace"><img src="http://i33.tinypic.com/mrz3tk.jpg" border="0" (small size)

The Rest of the Week...

I will be posting on Mondays (articles) and Wednesdays (articles, links, other guest posts, announcements, or off-topic) as the Lord leads. It's crucial to me to write as He brings inspiration because these issues are excruciatingly serious and I don't want to write out of obligation but, as with my book, out of obedience to His leading. As time goes by I remain firmly convinced that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph. 6:12 KJV)

I really hope and pray that these blog changes will bless you as you continue to seek understanding and knowledge of God, healing from authoritarianism, spiritual and emotional abuse, and awareness of the serious issues facing many women raised within a patriocentric subculture of conservative Christianity. God bless you!

Legacy

I was blessed this weekend to read a very tender, touching review of my book by Dr. Jay Wile. To read a father's perspective of Quivering Daughters, please visit here.

y parents are some of the most creative people I know when it comes to gift-giving. Sometimes when we kids finished a grade in our homeschool curriculum, my mom would buy us a plush little African Violet for our windowsill. Mine never seemed to live very long, but even today, seeing those rich colors and the velvety textures of this delicate flower makes me smile. This gesture helped mark an accomplishment for us and while we should have given her flowers at the end of our grades, my mother's thoughtfulness brought sweet encouragement and even joy at owning a plant that was for the purposes of beauty only...and that felt like a luxury! We couldn't eat it or grow it for seed; it wasn't for the goats or cultivated for fall canning. It was an indulgence, a commemoration, and so felt extra special.

Zelophehad's Daughters | Guest Post by Cynthia Kunsman

n acquaintance of mine asked me what I knew of some of the ideas that neo-patriarchy had about unmarried women living alone. I explained that some sectors within patriarchy maintain that Numbers 30 requires unmarried adult women to have an assigned male overseer who is accountable for her and her affairs. Others in these circles maintain that all woman require a male as her a protector at all times to remain both spiritually and physically safe. Some actually extend this concept to support their idea that a woman who works outside the home (for a man other than father or husband) commits a form of adultery by serving the vision and efforts of another man.

My friend pointed out the account of the Daughters of Zelophehad in Numbers 27:1-11. They asked me why I had never cited this example in the past as evidence against patriarchy’s overtly paternalistic take on Numbers 30, and I did not have a good answer! Perhaps because it takes me a while to process the dramatic events of the previous chapter where the sons of Korah are swallowed up alive into hell for rebelling against Moses’ leadership, I glossed over the significance of this account. I did not remember anything about these daughters, and I didn’t recall their father’s name. I certainly know them now! (That’s the cool thing about Bible Study: I expect to discover a new thing that I’d passed over before or understood only marginally, and I expect that this will happen for the rest of my life.)

Numbers 27 introduces the Daughters of Zelophehad to us: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah, also tracing their lineage. Zelophehad was the great, great grandson of Manasseh, one of Joseph’s two sons. These daughters went to the Tent of Meeting and spoke directly to Moses, Eleazar (the priest), the leaders of the tribes and the congregation. They explained to Moses that their father who had borne only daughters died in the wilderness, but that he did not participate in the rebellion of the Sons of Korah. The daughters asked if their father’s name must die out because he had borne no sons and requested to be granted their father's portion of the inheritance that was set aside for Manasseh’s heirs. Verse 5 tells us that Moses brought the case of Zelophehad’s daughters directly before God.

God ruled that Zelophehad’s daughters were entitled to receive their father’s inheritance and established that if a man dies and leaves no son, that man’s inheritance should be passed to the father’s surviving daughters. If he had no daughters, the inheritance should be given to the man’s brothers or the nearest relative to keep the inheritance within the family.

If unmarried women must be assigned to a male governor who oversees their process of sanctification and protection, how is it that these daughters who were the offspring one of the house of Joseph who remained faithful to God were treated so favorably? God tells Moses to give their father’s inheritance directly to them. God doesn’t use this as an opportunity to spell out the rule that women must be assigned to a man for decision making, bestowing the inheritance upon an elected man whom God assigns to them. God doesn’t instruct Moses to find a “male covering” for these unmarried women.

Consider that these daughters also had recourse to approach Moses directly. They did not need a man or other representative to speak to Moses for them. Many women who follow strict patriarchy are denied status to even read Scripture or pray in church sanctuaries, addressing the congregation. Some churches don’t even let a woman speak to remind everyone about the “pot providence” (in place of what most people refer to as a “pot luck” meal) in the basement after the conclusion of a worship service! Yet the Daughters of Zelophehad spoke confidently and directly to Moses who took their plea directly to God. God rewarded them and established these standards for all of Israel.

In full context within close proximity to the Numbers 30 passage, does Numbers 27 support the model for women taught by many within neo-patriarchy? I think not. The account of the Daughters of Zelophehad discounts the claim that all women require male oversight and protection. Property and inheritance require good stewardship, and stewardship requires a certain degree of authority and personal autonomy. God Himself rewarded the faithful daughters with their father’s inheritance, and He did not discriminate against them because of their gender.

___________

Cynthia Mullen Kunsman, RN, BSN, MMin , ND

www.UnderMuchGrace.com

(Discussing the phenomenon of
Spiritual Abuse in Evangelical Churches)

“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it,

ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.”
                                                      Winston Churchill 

"For we can do nothing against the truth, but for the truth."
                                                        Paul to the Corinthians

Counterfeit Patriarchy

Is patriarchy God's plan for believers?

I received the following message yesterday and the author, Rachel Ramer, gave me permission to share it. She writes,

hought you might like this quote. In rereading some of the material from the Ministries of Pastoral Care, written by Leanne Payne, I came across this quote that describes one of the problems of patriarchy. When she refers to the "bent position" she connects that with [C.S.] Lewis' reference to earth as the "bent" planet in his space trilogy as a metaphor for sin.

She refers to the verse in Gen. 3:16 "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing...your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." She sees this as part of the curse, of being bent towards another person in an unhealthy way. She states:

    "Woman is bent toward man by reason of the Fall, and wants to find her identity
in him. I saw also that while the secular world pushes woman towards finding her identity in herself as sex object, the popular teachings in the Church, equally mistaken, encourage woman to find her identity in her roles as wife and mother rather than in her status as a person in Christ, a daughter complete in Him...I also saw that in woman's redemption there is healing of this bent position. 

"Women often have difficulty coming into the freedom of the vertical position in  Christ because they've either been miss-taught the Scriptures on submission of
women or have misunderstood them. The gender drive in women, that of the strong natural need and desire to respond to the male, can lead her into the bondage of the 'bent' position toward him. She may be expecting the man she loves to tell her who she is, to give to her a sense of wholeness and identity. This, of course, he cannot do." (from The Healing Presence pp. 64-66)

The main problem of the type of patriarchy we have been discussing is that it does the very thing it should not do. It reinforces the "bent" destructive tendency and attempts to replace God with man. Instead men should model for women how to not be bent towards others, to hear direct from God, and to have a strong sense of self. Instead of promoting a "biblical" view, patriarchy reinforces the curse for women and hinders freedom in Christ and healthy relationships.

end message

___________

But what is patriarchy?

Traditional marriage vows proclaim, "What God has joined together..." This implies a coupling, a side by side serving of God and sharing of life. "Yoke" means to "couple or join together." Many apply Paul's words in 2 Corinthians ("do not be unequally yoked") to marriage between believers and unbelievers. Yet to use this analogy further, consider the basis for this illustration which is the yoking of oxen: to have two separate beings working in unity, side by side for one purpose, with combined strength for greater effectiveness. If one were to pull ahead or lag behind consistently they would be unequally yoked and their work hampered.

When Christians are unequally yoked in marriage through hierarchal relationships we see the fruits of the Fall as shown in Genesis 3 and  the inevitable establishment of what I call a "counterfeit patriarchy."

patriarchy Date: 1632 1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power

2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy

This "large share of power" is what Jesus decried in Matthew 23: "But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." John the Baptist wrote, "He must increase, but I must decrease." And this attitude of exalting God and pursuing humility is diametrically opposed to modern biblical patriarchy, which is a growing movement within reformed Christianity that looks and sounds biblically correct but induces serious ramifications. It is a system that can't help but to "biblically" sanction the behaviors of those prone to authoritarian tendencies. It protects those who would abuse their authority while leaving those under care defenseless, stripping them even of biblical appeal.

True Biblical Patriarchy

This doesn't mean that there isn't an actual, truly bible-based patriarchy. While we can make a case for others, only these are specifically listed as patriarchs in the Bible: Abraham, the twelve sons of Jacob, and  David. Genesis 17 suggests what a patriarch is, and Who grants this privilege:

“As for Me, behold, My covenant is with you, and you shall be a father of many nations. No longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you a father of many nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful; and I will make nations of you, and kings shall come from you." Genesis 17:4-6

These words are from God to Abraham ~ not a promise for every man for all of time. But we do have a clear word that applies to all of us! In a beautiful fulfilling of Almighty's word, the last patriarch mentioned in Scripture, King David, became the forefather of another King who said,

Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 

With this, Jesus proclaims the One who is our Patriarch! He is our Source, our Head; furthermore, after this saying, there are no new patriarchs in the Bible. On the contrary, we see Jesus' call to abandon titles and to take up the cross! We are called to be humble servants. And called to be like children. Jesus proclaimed that unless one becomes “converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven...Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand, Jesus preached...

...but counterfeit patriarchy seeks to establish kingdoms of the earth.

Neo-patriarchy

Other than the Fathership of God, I believe that modern biblical patriarchy is not God's plan for believers and is a worldly institution. It is came as a result of the Fall, and yet, instead of reaching through Christ's redemption for what God originally designed, this neo-patriarchy works very hard to sew up the veil ripped by God on the day Jesus was crucified. Remember ~ the biblical patriarchs of old were made so by God for His purposes. What happens when individuals seek to be patriarchs on their own?

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.  This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3 (emphasis added)

The fruits of neo-patriarchy have left scars on the hearts of many seeking to know God, to hear His voice,  to walk in obedience to His calling. Yet there is healing both for those who endure the sin and for those who commit the sins of partiality and lack of mercy and authoritarianism! Micah reminds us,

      He has shown you, O man, what is good;

      And what does the LORD require of you

      But to do justly,

      To love mercy,

      And to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

If true biblical patriarchy is found in the Fathership of God, what does that make those who seek it for themselves?

It's Saturday Evening Blog Post Time!

Want to meet a bunch of new friends and read some thought-provoking, inspiring, challenging, and altogether memorable blogposts? Visit Elizabeth Esther and leave your favorite July post from your blog in her Mr. Linky box, then compose a note at your own site sharing with your readers.

Have a lovely weekend!

Feminism or Faith?

While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside, seeking to speak with Him. Then one said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.” But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:46-50)

an you imagine how Mary might have felt to hear this? I can't answer for everyone who reads this website, but virtually every woman I hear from who has found this blog testifies that she is seeking to obey the will of God as it relates to her life. Because we are blessed to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, within that personal relationship, God will communicate, guide, and direct personally. I realize this might seem elementary, but many well-meaning people continue to teach that when a woman listens to or seeks God herself, or when she is given a calling by Him for her life, that she is being influenced by feminism's alleged focus on independence instead of listening to her parents' interpretation of God's will for her.

However, I contest that instead of promoting independence, when we encourage all others, women included, to seek the voice and will of God, we promote something far greater...God-dependence. This certainly isn't an objective of feminism! And it requires faith. It might seem simpler to rely on those who lay out specific guidelines of belief and behavior, or tell us what we should or shouldn't do, because then we have our lives in black and white. We know exactly what we are to do and what's expected of us. Having someone "hear God for us" makes our spiritual walk easy and broad! When our path is wide, we don't have to worry about falling off the edge. We can see our steps clearly, and see far into the distance. We can place our trust in those who have a vision for our lives. We don't have to weigh the consequences or endure the pain of living. It's not as scary this way, and perhaps we make fewer mistakes. We don't have to search the Scriptures quite so doggedly to determine God's will ~ because those who have set themselves in this position in our lives have already done so. Yet Scripture says:

      Who among you fears the LORD?
      Who obeys the voice of His Servant?
      Who walks in darkness
      And has no light?
      Let him trust in the name of the LORD
      And rely upon his God.
       Look, all you who kindle a fire,
      Who encircle yourselves with sparks:
      Walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks you have kindled—
      This you shall have from My hand:
      You shall lie down in torment. (Isaiah 50:10-11)

Faith runs through lightness and darkness, the known and unknown, following the letter of the Spirit and clinging to the solid Rock for everything pertaining to life. Faith doesn't fear making mistakes, but trusts the One who justifies the ungodly and who calls us to follow Him on the narrow, difficult way that leads to life.

Sometimes this looks doubtful to parents, who I believe truly love their children and want the absolute best for them. Sometimes parents disapprove of the choices and decisions their children make. Sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes there might be rebellion in their hearts that God will address. Who is the "they"? Mistakes are a human thing. Rebellion is a human thing. Adult children are not automatic culprits. Nor are parents exempt. This doesn't make light of sin, but rather places it properly. Truth is, a heart can be rebellious even when outward actions completely conform to what others want, and I fully believe the opposite is also true: that a heart can be humble and obedient to God when outward actions might appear to others to be wayward.

Revisiting Honor vs. Obedience

Because I write to adult women, issues of child obedience as it relates to parental authority do not pertain to the scope of this blog. Yet I hear from many who equate obedience with parental honor. I wholeheartedly support, believe in, agree with, encourage, and love the Scriptural command to honor parents. In my humble understanding, honor and obedience are not one and the same. In my article Daughters in Waiting ~ Adult Daughters at Home I give examples of ways parents are honored when it manifests outside the context of obedience. 

In a recent comment, I wrote "If our parents are Christians then they are our brothers and sisters in Christ...yes, we should honor, respect, and care for them, but ultimately, [spiritually speaking] they are equal with us before God. Consider if as adults, your own brother or sister asked you to do something. If you did what they asked, would that be you “obeying”? Or simply you doing a favor? Or what if your adult brother or sister commanded you to do something? What if it were a friend of yours? You can give thought and prayer to their demand, seek God’s direction and Scripture, maybe even seek the counsel of others, and decide if it is a healthy or righteous step for you to take. But that still doesn’t mean you’re “obeying” them if you do it or “disobeying” if you’re not. The fact that you even consider their command, suggestion, or request gives them honor."

Although not discussed as often as the others, one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. We do hear about it in the negative sense ~ controlling sinful habits or the lusts of the flesh. We don't often hear about it in the positive sense ~ which could be exactly what it says! Self-control. As a woman seeks the influence of the Holy Spirit and discerns the will of God, as she learns to walk in the Spirit, self-control is one of the fruits manifested in her life. Yet when others consistently thwart His transforming work in the lives of those who, really, are His children ~ that is a misuse of authority (which is the abuse of authority). When parents try to make adult offspring "obey" them, even through subtle coercion or cognitive dissonance (bounded choice) they are making themselves as God in their child's life when in reality, they need to be stepping out of His way and coming underneath with prayer and faith that God is in control and loves that child.

Being self-controlled certainly doesn't mean that a wise person won't seek the guidance of those close to them. But they will take everything they receive before God for His direction, weighing it according to Scripture with prayerful consideration. Note that the Bible doesn't say when we do the will of others, we are part of the Lord's body, but when we do God's will, we are, as Jesus proclaims, His brothers, sisters, and mother. He embraces us not only among His disciples, but also His family. Seek and obey Him!