I have felt dirty and unworthy of a clean slate with God ever since my experience, ever since that meeting with Mrs. H---, this feeling has plagued me for years.... The struggle that has lingered from my TM days is guilt.
--Anna (on Recovering Alumni)
Everybody’s felt that.
You feel dirty.
You feel unclean.
You feel unworthy.
You feel guilty.
And all the religious people in the world decide they agree with you.
That’s the part that hurts the most, maybe.
e sat in prison. Tomorrow, or perhaps a few days from now, he'd be headless. Some called him a wild man and others a prophet, but now he was only condemned. His life had always been a strange one...strange, like his stories. Not the least of which his mother liked to tell, the one about how he danced in her womb when God drew near. When he was young he'd shrug and duck a little when she repeated it again and again. “Come on, mom,” he'd say, and she'd light up and rough his hair and then gaze deep in his eyes, hands locked on his shoulders. “But it's the truth,” she insisted, fervent and strong. “Truth, John.” Timeless and full of fire, her eyes never seemed to age even as raven locks faded and her grip loosened over the years.
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This article, written by Norm Wakefield, is a very poignant, refreshing look at family dynamics which become imbalanced due to patriocentricity, and provides hope and encouragement both to parents and children who have been brought up in such an environment. It is the first within a series of 8, which can be purchased here. I hope that my fellow quivering daughters will be as blessed as I am through these words.
The Curse of the Standard Bearers: When Idolatry Masquerades as Love by Norm Wakefield
The burden in my heart has compelled me to seek the Lord in how to minister to the growing number of families who are suffering the devastating effects of what I'll call The Curse of the Standard Bearers. This is no infrequent problem. Although I know of hundreds of tragic accounts, perhaps from heaven's perspective, there are tens of thousands. There may be dozens of relationships within your own circle of friends, church, or community which are not what they appear. All seems well on the surface, but if you could see what God sees, you would see these people need your love, encouragement, and prayers. Thousands suffer in isolation and fear from the curse of the Standard Bearers.
Equally, I empathize with the children of these parents, who in their heart of hearts, long to have a deep, meaningful, loving relationship with their parents. They want to honor, love, and gain the approval of their parents perhaps as much as their parents want the best for their children. Like their parents, there's no righteous way to talk about it to observant friends without sinning (gossip). Only those who have suffered the same dynamics in relationships can completely understand the frustration, bitterness, hurt, and torment.
My prayer is that this series of articles will be used of God to bring light into the darkness and liberation for the glory of God. May God bring a spirit of revival as relationships with both God and family members are reconciled.
In this article I plan to explain what I mean by my title. Then I've picked two testimonies out of hundreds to illustrate the dynamics to which many of you can relate or observe (one which I'll share in this article and another in the next). As I go, I'll try to explain the curse that has brought about such destruction. We know Satan has his hands in this kind of tragedy, and we need to know his schemes. Otherwise it continues, and others will fall into the same trap. In the following articles, we'll see the destructive attitudes and actions more clearly. Learning how to apply the gospel to these dynamics will be emancipating. Hopefully we'll discover how both parents and children may be set free from the curse, be healed and reconciled, and glorify God. At first, this may be a little painful, but I encourage those of you who are hurting that there is hope ahead. So let's begin with some explanations.
Who has control of the keys?
Tim Russert, moderator and managing editor of Meet the Press, included a powerful story contributed by Merabeth Lurie in his book, Wisdom of our Fathers. Her seven-year old little brother, Jim, liked to watch and "help" his father as he made such things as chandeliers from old wagon wheels and unusual light fixtures from copper bulbs that float in toilet tanks. While his dad was at work, Jim would use his tools to make his own creations, but wouldn't put them back in their rightful place many times.
After telling Jim the importance of putting things back, his dad decided to build a small tool chest where he could keep his best tools so Jim couldn't get to them. As Jim's dad worked on the chest, Jim watched and helped excitedly. When the lock was being installed, Jim asked, "What's that?" To which his dad replied, "It is a lock, so that in order to get tools from the chest you have to open it with a key."
Jim got a strange look on his face, looked up at his father, and asked, "Who will have the key, Dad?"
His dad paused for a moment, considered the look on his son's face, and wisely and lovingly said, "There will be just two keys, Jim. One for you and one for me."
What are you communicating about relationship?
Jim's dad wisely chose to yield his right to control his tools and set aside his standard of order to communicate value and love to his son. The workshop might be messier, but he had the heart and respect of his son - a small price to pay for a rewarding relationship with a special person in his life. Had Jim's dad valued the standard of neatness and orderliness above showing his son respect by allowing him control of the key to the chest, he would have "cursed" his relationship with his son.
Unfortunately, not everyone has the wisdom and love that Jim's dad had for him. Many family members communicate rejection, shame, and judgment by controlling all the keys of life for those they say they love and want to bless. They think they know what's best for those for whom they are responsible (and they might), and with sincerity and good-intentions demand the right to control all the keys. Without realizing it, in the name of righteousness and love, they place upon them the curse of the Standard Bearers.
Standard Bearers?
Who are the Standard Bearers, and why such a strange descriptive title? I use the term standard because sincere, religious people usually have many standards they consider important to secure significance, praise, and reputation before God and man. Everyone has some standards they practice, but the issue in this article is the level of importance and significance people place on those standards.
I use the term bearers because that is the image they bear to others: Living by certain standards is a true sign of righteousness and spiritual maturity. Others often think of them as almost perfect or Christ-like in their talk and appearance being impressed with the way they live for Jesus. But there is a subtle, yet significant difference between someone living for Jesus and Jesus living in them. Unfortunately, the emphasis of a Standard Bearer rests on the standards rather than relationship.
Standard Bearers have an inconsistent application of God's character toward His creatures. For instance, when trying to convince a non-standard bearer of his need to change, they communicate that God is very stern. Yet when they deal with their own sin, they apply the view that God is forgiving and gracious. There's a disconnect between how they think God sees the sins of others not like them and how He sees their sin.
A True Image Bearer
In contrast, a True Image Bearer focuses on relationship with Jesus and has one aim: to be a conduit of the life and love of Jesus Christ for the glory of God and to lead others to experience the same blessing of such a powerful, love-engulfed, grace-filled relationship. Although his life is lived with standards perhaps similar to a Standard Bearer's, the root and motivation of his life is different - he recognizes his lifestyle as a gift of grace through his relationship with Jesus. The true image of Jesus wasn't a life focused on standards, but a life focused on a relationship with His Father in heaven.
Consequently, a True Image Bearer doesn't demand that others live by standards to gain approval, encouragement, and affirmation. They're more interested in the process of relationship with the Holy Spirit for others. People who live in close company with a True Image Bearer know that if they were to disappoint them or have another view, they would still be respected and valued.
True Image Bearers respect the Holy Spirit and His right to move, transform, and convince others. They apply the power of the cross-work of Jesus to those who haven't seen the light they have and consider the judgment of others a holy responsibility for Jesus alone. They don't think the Christian life is "living for Jesus", but instead it is "Jesus living in them" (Gal. 2:20). When people are around a True Image Bearer, they usually sense the love and presence of Jesus.
Often Standard Bearers think they are True Image Bearers because they have good feelings about themselves due to their commitment to standards. To them commitment to standards is the expression of their love for Jesus. However, they are not unlike the Pharisees in Jesus' day who viewed themselves as the "separated ones." In their zeal to be distinct in a complex, godless Greek culture, they established oral traditions (standards) and considered them not only equal to the written Law, but more important. Their judgment of others and lack of love, forgiveness, and grace was condemned by Jesus repeatedly. A True Image Bearer would not look down his nose at, avoid, or judge those who don't hold to his or her standards. Instead, he lives in freedom and prays for and encourages others to treasure relationship with Jesus.
The curse of the Standard Bearers
Let me introduce you to Marty, an individual whose life illustrates the curse of the Standard Bearers.
Almost overnight, Marty's life changed. His parents decided to become associated with other homeschooling families whose goal was to raise children with godly character. With the new direction for the family came more responsibilities and expectations from his parents. He already felt smothered by their efforts to make him into the type of young person who would give them a good reputation among their peers, but with the change came a tidal wave of standards and goals he felt were impossible to meet.
Marty didn't make it easy for them. In fact, he questioned them constantly as to why they had to live by all these standards of dress, social etiquette, grooming, facial expressions, entertainment, courtship, attitudes, education, and food. His honest questions brought accusations of rebellion and disrespect, which were not his intentions. Eventually, the conflict became so great that in order to protect their reputation, Marty's parents sent him to live and work with an uncle, hoping God would eventually open his eyes to see the blessing he was rejecting.
Marty's well-meaning parents were Standard Bearers. Without realizing it, self-ambition (lust for significance and success) and an idolatrous love of man's approval gained ascendancy within their hearts. The curse of the Standard Bearers rested upon them and all the relationships for which they felt responsible. Unwittingly, they looked to standard bearing as the solution to parenting Marty and to gaining significance and acceptance for the whole family. Instead of demonstrating a life lived in a relationship with Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit and leading Marty to do the same, they were caught in the enticing trap of a form of religion. They quickly learned what standards were acceptable and not acceptable among those with whom they wished to connect and then commanded obedience from Marty.
At age fifteen and living at home, Marty knew he should obey his parents, but they never led him to deal with his heart relationship with God. Consequently, the parent-child relationship was always about responsibility and expectations. It's no wonder that Marty felt unloved, controlled, and unvalued. Living by rules and standards cannot build relationships based on God's love and grace. A form of outward obedience may occur, but liberty and love that comes from the Holy Spirit's work internally is overlooked.
Until Marty has a relationship with Jesus, his parents must teach, train, and demand honor and obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). However, once the Holy Spirit indwells him, Marty should be taught to walk by the Spirit in relationship with the heavenly Father. As Jesus told his disciples, "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven" (Matt. 23:9). As a son starts to walk by the Spirit, an earthly father should encourage his son's decision-making and guidance to come from a personal relationship with the heavenly Father, not himself. To the degree that the father makes the decisions and dictates the lifestyle of his believing son, to that degree he hinders his son's spiritual life. A father's role should decrease just as John the Baptist's role decreased when Jesus appeared (John 3:30).
Doesn’t this break your heart?
Many churches and hundreds of families have been destroyed by this curse. It doesn't have to be this way. Consider the glorious testimony to the grace and glory of the cross for a Standard Bearer to be honest and confess their idolatry and the sins of control, rejection, slander, and shame. It would glorify God, bring healing to the relationship, and teach the rest of the Standard Bearers what standard is really worth bearing: the life and image of Jesus Christ. Forgiving, loving, and forbearing with others as we trust God and encourage them to follow the Holy Spirit sets people free to find themselves through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Outward conformity to standards to achieve public praise and approval cannot please God.
First in a series
This article is the first in a series of articles dealing with the curse of the Standard Bearers and what it means to be a True Image Bearer. In the next Chariot, we'll take a deeper look into Satan's schemes and how sincere, zealous Christian fall into his trap. I invite you to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what God sees and thinks about how you relate to Him and to others when it comes to standards. Are you more concerned about His image or yours?
--Norm Wakefield
Special thanks to Anika for bringing this article to my attention.
I just feel kind of alone right now. I feel bad because dad said I responded defensively to something he said, which I really am trying not to do. I did not feel defensive, mean to sound defensive, or even have a single reason to be defensive. So it is discouraging.
I try to let it go when he gets frustrated at me, but it’s like, he is always getting onto me for how I react to something he says. If I try to explain why I may have said something a certain way or reacted in a certain manner—he shuts me off as being defensive.
I am trying to be patient. But it makes me cry and grit my teeth and sometimes long for when I can be out on my own and not have to deal with it. Wrong attitude I know. But it’s getting so that I don’t know how to say anything without it “sounding defensive”. And even if the total concept of self-defense never even occurs to me, dad still often perceives and treats me like I’ve reacted defensively.
It hurts and is discouraging and is really unfair of him. I can’t avoid talking to him—I don’t want to not talk to him. But sometimes even casual conversation is difficult because I’m just waiting for him to pounce on something and label it defensive. It’s like he expects it, is looking for it. I don’t know what to do. Just be very patient and continue trying to watch myself and let things go. He’s probably under a lot of stress and is taking it out on me or something. I hope I can get better, be better. God, help.
I could have done better. I don’t even deserve to live. No one would miss me if I were gone. I only cause problems for others, and make life harder on the people I love. It would be better for them if I didn’t even exist. I should show them how much I love them, and take myself out of the way. Then I wouldn’t hurt them anymore. Then there would be more time for the other kids. More attention to go around. Then I won’t be a burden. I won’t be the “worldly one” corrupting all the others with my evil ideas. They won’t have to worry about my bad “influence”. I don’t know why God made me. I am just a bad person who should have never been born.
For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God—and righteousness and sanctification and redemption—that, as it is written, “He who glories, let him glory in the LORD.”(1 Corinthians 16)This love, embodied in the One who is the Way, Truth, and Life, waits longingly to heal the shame that keeps us locked, frozen in darkness.
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Freedom of Mind
Drawing from the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, Watchman suggests that spiritual abuse is inherently entwined with shame, which is another crippling, common factor within families who exhibit these traits—
- Undue Loyalty to Leaders - The leadership is held to be anointed by God and followers taught they should submit in anything it requires. It is taught that God will bless that submission even if the leader is wrong.
- Authoritarian - The system is characterized by rules and a power structure that is unaccountable to those who follow.
- Appearance is Everything - As Jeff VanVonderen says, "How things look is more important than what is real." (Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, page 130)
- Perfectionistic - Works are necessary for salvation, to keep one's salvation, or to keep God's blessing.
- Unbalanced - There is usually a majoring on minors that makes the group distinctive from others.
In critiquing the ins and outs of spiritual abuse, one often finds that people have been hurt by legalism, authoritarian leadership, manipulation, excessive discipline, spiritual intimidation and much more.
Perhaps one could give a number of characteristics common to the problem and a lot of time given to the definition of "spiritual abuse," but instead of asking the WHAT questions, maybe a better understanding would come if the WHY questions are asked: Why do some people stay in abusive relationships? Or, why do they get into them in the first place? The authors of the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, suggest that people learn to be victimized, or are powerless by experiencing relationships that have either prepared them to be abused, or not prepared them to not be abused. Such relationships could be labeled as "shame-based" relationships.
"Shame-based relationships are relationships based on messages of shame: You are so weak and defective that you are nothing without this relationship. Shame becomes the glue that holds things together. It is the force that motivates people to refrain from certain behaviors and to do others" (p. 55).
If families, churches, or groups are shame-based, they are more than likely sending messages to their members that they are: "not loved and accepted; not even lovable or acceptable; only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform well; not capable, valuable, or worthwhile; very alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone" (p. 55).
On pages 56-59 of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, the authors list the following seven characteristics of shame-based relationships which will help explain why people are "caught up" in these abusive relationships:
1. OUT-LOUD SHAMING The dynamic: This is the "shame on you" that comes from belittling. It is any message communicated out loud that says, "Something is wrong with you."
The effects: Negative view of self, even self-hatred.
2. FOCUS ON PERFORMANCE The dynamic: How people act is more important than who they are. Love and acceptance are earned by doing or not doing certain things.
The effects: Perfectionism, or giving up without trying; view of God as more concerned with how you act than who you are; cannot ask for help; high need for the approval of others.
3. MANIPULATION The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful unspoken rules. Yet the unspoken rules communicate these and other shaming messages.
Coding: Messages are sent through a verbal code that others are supposed to decode. "Don't you think it would be better this way?" means, "I want you to do it this way."
Triangling: This means to send a message to someone through another person, instead of delivering it directly.
The effects: Great "radar" - the ability to pick up tension in situations and relationships; ability to decode messages; talking about people instead of to them; difficulty trusting people.
4. IDOLATRY The dynamic: The "god" served by the shame-based relationship system is an impossible-to-please judge. It is a god invented to enforce the performance standard.
The effects: Distorted image of God; high level of anxiety; high need to control thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others.
5. PREOCCUPATION WITH FAULT AND BLAME The dynamic: Reaction is swift and furious toward the one who fails to perform the way the system deems fit. Responsibility and accountability are not the issues here: Fault and blame are the issues.The shame-based system wants a confession in order to know whom to shame.
The effects: The sense that if something is wrong or someone is upset you must have caused it; a high need to be punished for or to pay for mistakes in order to feel good about yourself; difficulty forgiving self.
6. OBSCURED REALITY The dynamic: Members are to deny any thought that is different than those of people in authority. Anything that has the potential to shame those in authority is ignored or denied. Interaction with people and places outside the system threatens the order of things. Consequently, you can't find out what "normal" is. Problems are denied, and therefore they remain.
The effects: Out-of-touch with feelings, needs, thoughts; ignoring your "radar" because you are being "too critical;" feel like no one else understands you; threatened by opinions that differ from yours; suspicious or afraid of others.
7. UNBALANCED INTERRELATEDNESS The dynamic: Either under involved or over involved with each other. Consequently, rules take the place of people. There is no relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and consequences. People find out about life alone and by accident.
The effects: Fear of being deserted; high need for structure; a sense that if there is a problem, you have to solve it; feeling selfish for having needs; putting up boundaries that keep safe people away; feelings of guilt when you haven't done anything wrong.
When evaluating the emotional foundation the shame-based systems create, it is clear that honesty and trust are undermined in the relationship. This can also hinder a person's maturing in a relationship with God. Codependence, or the dependence upon a person or group, can also grow in this type of shame-based system. Ultimately, a person can lose a correct perception of reality because the only reality that can be identified with is within a shame-based system.
Exploitative abuse of authority occurring in groups [families] where these hyper-authoritarian systems of governance are instituted come in various shapes and shades, ranging from members [adult offspring] having to receive the approval (usually referred to as "witness") of their spiritual leaders [parents] to date and/or marry, to virtual sole dependence upon the supposed superior spirituality of group-gurus [father . . . sometimes described as prophet, priest, and king of the home within patriocentric circles] regarding every detail of their personal financial matters [daily lives, choices, beliefs, and futures] and requiring their leaders' [parents] approval for virtually every significant expenditure [choice, activity, plan]. Commonly, in these groups there is constant allusion to the members [adult children] as "dumb sheep"[unwise, not smart enough, still learning, easily deceived] who must be "led" [trained, controlled, restricted, guided] by the shepherds, [parents] ad nauseam. The definition of the term "led" in these groups is that the "dumb sheep" cannot trust their own judgment or ability to receive direction from the Lord for the important decisions of their lives, but must rely instead upon the transcendent wisdom and spiritual acumen of their "personal pastors"[fathers].
Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
* Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.
* Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
* Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.
* Economic Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.
* Psychological Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.
Matthew 11:25 At that time Jesus answered and said, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes. 26 Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in Your sight. 27 All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. 28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
