A Gentle Reality Check for the Daughters of Patriarchy

s I shared on facebook, I've wanted to address this topic for a long time. But while chatting with my friend Darcy, I realized that she was the perfect one to write about it instead. I'm including a teaser clip below, but please click the following link to view the article in its entirety. I couldn't be more thankful or proud of Darcy for this and truly believe that this reality check is sorely needed in the world of Biblical Patriarchy. 

Darcy writes:

My husband's a trucker. I'm "alone" from about Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon every week during the summer. I have to fend for myself and three kids. I sleep alone, a gun nearby, knowing there may come a night I'll have to use it (and trust me, I can use it better than most men I know). I have to make all the decisions on how to run my house alone. I have to be mature and interact with the world around me (including men and atheists *gasp*) alone. I have to be discerning all by myself, able to judge right and wrong, wise and foolish. If I break down on the side of the road, my husband isn't there to "protect" or rescue me. I have to deal with it as if I were single. I have to be strong and capable and mature and independent every single day. My husband leaves every week depending on me to be all these things and more. If I had an emergency, it could be 12+ hours before my husband could get to me. He didn't need a girl who needed to be coddled, needed someone to make decisions for her, needed to be "led" and guided in daily interactions like a child. He needed a mature woman who could handle an imperfect life. And it's a darn good thing that I didn't spend my growing up years thinking I needed a man to handle my life or come between me and the big bad world. I had to learn how to be a functioning part of society and take care of myself and others. My family's well-being depends on this.

I know girls who weren’t allowed to go grocery shopping, in a safe small town, without their dad or big brother for “protection”. They weren’t allowed to go anywhere without a man, for that matter. Their view of the Big Bad Men in the world they needed to be protected from has grown into a paranoia. They’re scared of their own shadows. They think all men are out to rape them or take advantage of them. And they truly believe they are gullible, weak, and cannot handle life on their own, because that's the line they've been fed all their lives. It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As my friend, Christi, said in comment to this idea:

"This is exactly what patriarchy wants us to believe, that women are weak-minded things incapable of avoiding dangerous situation. I lived alone ...and I never found myself in a compromising position. And how would a predator know whether a woman lived at home with her parents, or with her husband, or lived "alone" (with roommates)?

And while we're talking about this, why don't people realize that homemakers are some of the most "alone" and vulnerable women out there? You seem to not realize that married young women have to do the exact same things that young women who are away at college have to do, and more. I have to go out and do my shopping alone, just like a college girl would (though I imagine that college girls get to carpool together). What's more, I'm even at home alone. I'm pretty sure that I'd really be better protected on a college campus since I'm alone during the day (and night, since my husband works until 11 PM) and have often had to interact with strange men, sometimes even inside my house, while my husband is at work. Apartment maintenance men, internet guy, phone guy, UPS man, door-to-door salesmen, etc. Oh, and it's usually my job to take our car in for repairs and oil changes. Car repairmen are actually pretty nice, or maybe it depends on where you go (which again, is simply a matter of making an intelligence choice).

I mean no disrespect to my husband when I say this but, he's really not here a lot to protect me because he's busy working a full-time job in addition to being a full-time student. My marriage license doesn't really afford me any more physical protection than I had when I was single."

 Please view On Women and Protection to read more! 

The Daughters of Patriarchy: Spiritual Abuse

When I refer to Patriarchy, or Biblical Patriarchy, I indicate the imbalanced, unhealthy practice of what is more accurately termed by Karen Campbell to be patriocentricity. My ministry is to women—primarily adult daughters—who reap the distressing harvest of destructive fruits, which are brought forth from aberrant religious movements and practices.

A latent factor of every anomalous fundamentalist group is the issue of religious abuse. In Christianity, the misapplication, misinterpretation, and mishandling of both the Word of God and the people of God produce serious ramifications.

Spiritual abuse has gained widespread awareness as an alarming element within many churches. When pastors and other authorities coerce, manipulate, and control, using God and religion to promote their purposes, ensure desired behavior or performance, and cultivate dependency, this is considered abuse. Here I discussed unfortunate characteristics of spiritual abuse in the family: when fathers and mothers attempt to use the Bible, God, and aspects of religion to secure the obedience, compliance, precise behavior, and control of their offspring.

Today I would like to examine the effects that abuse in the name of God has upon the heart, mind, body, and soul of women.

Imago Dei

Before we begin, we must have a preliminary understanding of who we are as women. For the purpose of this article, and to establish what I believe, women are created in the image of God and have value and worth as beings who bear His likeness and possess soul, intellect, emotion, will, and breath. I believe that there is no distinction in Christ between male nor female, and that we as Christian women have a direct relationship with God through our High Priest, Jesus,
who gave Himself as a sacrifice for us so that we might receive salvation and eternal life.

We are image-bearers of the Most High, responsible for seeking truth, maintaining our walk with Him, and working out our own salvation—which He has entrusted to us, for no other human is able to accept Christ on our behalf. This fact has inherent elements we cannot ignore:

• the joy of intimacy with the Creator of our soul—a relationship in which we can know God, who teaches us truth, communicating with Him directly through the priesthood of His Son
  
• our own proclamation of Jesus to the world around us through our lives, words, choices, and beliefs
  
• the responsibility to discern what is righteous and true
• the responsibility to actively pursue truth and righteousness
• the upkeep and deepening of faith, for we cannot become apathetic believing that our works or the teachings of others save ourselves, or make us more holy
• reverent fear, knowing that we answer to God alone for the choices we make and the way we live and believe; knowing He will hold us—not our pastor, parents, friends, mentors, teachers, leaders, husband, or children—accountable for our lives
  

Beloved, these things are both joyous gifts and solemn callings that God has bestowed upon us. May we be good stewards of such, and be found faithful and blameless at His coming.

The Aching Within

With an understanding of who we are as women of God, let us review some elements of spiritual abuse in the family, and how it effects us.

Spiritual abuse

According to David Henke, founder of Watchman Fellowship, typically an abusive religious system will have the following characteristics:

• Undue Loyalty to Leaders - The leadership is held to be anointed by God and followers taught they should submit in anything it requires. It is taught that God will bless that submission even if the leader is wrong.
• Authoritarian - The system is characterized by rules and a power structure that is unaccountable to those who follow.
• Appearance is Everything - As Jeff VanVonderen says, "How things look is more important than what is real." (Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, page 130)
• Perfectionistic - Works are necessary for salvation, to keep one's salvation, or to keep God's blessing.
• Unbalanced - There is usually a majoring on minors that makes the group distinctive from others.

Drawing from the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, Watchman suggests that spiritual abuse is inherently entwined with shame, which is another crippling, common factor within families who exhibit these traits—

In critiquing the ins and outs of spiritual abuse, one often finds that people have been hurt by legalism, authoritarian leadership, manipulation, excessive discipline, spiritual intimidation and much more.

Perhaps one could give a number of characteristics common to the problem and a lot of time given to the definition of "spiritual abuse," but instead of asking the WHAT questions, maybe a better understanding would come if the WHY questions are asked: Why do some people stay in abusive relationships? Or, why do they get into them in the first place? The authors of the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, suggest that people learn to be victimized, or are powerless by experiencing relationships that have either prepared them to be abused, or not prepared them to not be abused. Such relationships could be labeled as "shame-based" relationships.

"Shame-based relationships are relationships based on messages of shame: You are so weak and defective that you are nothing without this relationship. Shame becomes the glue that holds things together. It is the force that motivates people to refrain from certain behaviors and to do others" (p. 55).

If families, churches, or groups are shame-based, they are more than likely sending messages to their members that they are: "not loved and accepted; not even lovable or acceptable; only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform well; not capable, valuable, or worthwhile; very alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone" (p. 55).

On pages 56-59 of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, the authors list the following seven characteristics of shame-based relationships which will help explain why people are "caught up" in these abusive relationships:

1. OUT-LOUD SHAMING The dynamic: This is the "shame on you" that comes from belittling. It is any message communicated out loud that says, "Something is wrong with you."

The effects: Negative view of self, even self-hatred.

2. FOCUS ON PERFORMANCE The dynamic: How people act is more important than who they are. Love and acceptance are earned by doing or not doing certain things.

The effects: Perfectionism, or giving up without trying; view of God as more concerned with how you act than who you are; cannot ask for help; high need for the approval of others.

3. MANIPULATION The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful unspoken rules. Yet the unspoken rules communicate these and other shaming messages.

Coding: Messages are sent through a verbal code that others are supposed to decode. "Don't you think it would be better this way?" means, "I want you to do it this way."

Triangling: This means to send a message to someone through another person, instead of delivering it directly.

The effects: Great "radar" - the ability to pick up tension in situations and relationships; ability to decode messages; talking about people instead of to them; difficulty trusting people.

4. IDOLATRY The dynamic: The "god" served by the shame-based relationship system is an impossible-to-please judge. It is a god invented to enforce the performance standard.

The effects: Distorted image of God; high level of anxiety; high need to control thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others.

5. PREOCCUPATION WITH FAULT AND BLAME The dynamic: Reaction is swift and furious toward the one who fails to perform the way the system deems fit. Responsibility and accountability are not the issues here: Fault and blame are the issues.The shame-based system wants a confession in order to know whom to shame.

The effects: The sense that if something is wrong or someone is upset you must have caused it; a high need to be punished for or to pay for mistakes in order to feel good about yourself; difficulty forgiving self.

6. OBSCURED REALITY The dynamic: Members are to deny any thought that is different than those of people in authority. Anything that has the potential to shame those in authority is ignored or denied. Interaction with people and places outside the system threatens the order of things. Consequently, you can't find out what "normal" is. Problems are denied, and therefore they remain.

The effects: Out-of-touch with feelings, needs, thoughts; ignoring your "radar" because you are being "too critical;" feel like no one else understands you; threatened by opinions that differ from yours; suspicious or afraid of others.

7. UNBALANCED INTERRELATEDNESS The dynamic: Either under involved or over involved with each other. Consequently, rules take the place of people. There is no relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and consequences. People find out about life alone and by accident.

The effects: Fear of being deserted; high need for structure; a sense that if there is a problem, you have to solve it; feeling selfish for having needs; putting up boundaries that keep safe people away; feelings of guilt when you haven't done anything wrong.

When evaluating the emotional foundation the shame-based systems create, it is clear that honesty and trust are undermined in the relationship. This can also hinder a person's maturing in a relationship with God. Codependence, or the dependence upon a person or group, can also grow in this type of shame-based system. Ultimately, a person can lose a correct perception of reality because the only reality that can be identified with is within a shame-based system.

The Family

When these components are present within the family structure—an institution that should be a place of spiritual safety, trust, and growth—it becomes morbidly toxic. No Greater Joy magazine recently printed an article describing some of the dangerous manifestations of patriarchal dysfunction (see page 2 of the article). When we compound these facets with spiritual abuse (as well as emotional, intellectual, and physical in many cases), we are left with a dizzying, chaotic, and deadly recipe for destruction.

As a reminder, I do not suggest ever that we do not need wise counsel, godly relationship, and input from those appointed by God to guide us. The ones I address have been abused by the misuse of authority—specifically, familial in nature. Lack of balance and humility, false representation of God and religious matters, and the fallen nature of mankind all gravely contribute to spiritual abuse. It is essential that we are surrounded by wise, balanced, and godly mentors and leaders who can help us to discern between truth and error, so that we can begin to seek healing for the hurts we sustain, and grow as Christians.

In the following excerpt from an article by Steven Lambert, ThD, note the terms I have added in brackets:

Exploitative abuse of authority occurring in groups [families] where these hyper-authoritarian systems of governance are instituted come in various shapes and shades, ranging from members [adult offspring] having to receive the approval (usually referred to as "witness") of their spiritual leaders [parents] to date and/or marry, to virtual sole dependence upon the supposed superior spirituality of group-gurus [father . . . sometimes described as prophet, priest, and king of the home within patriocentric circles] regarding every detail of their personal financial matters [daily lives, choices, beliefs, and futures] and requiring their leaders' [parents] approval for virtually every significant expenditure [choice, activity, plan]. Commonly, in these groups there is constant allusion to the members [adult children] as "dumb sheep"[unwise, not smart enough, still learning, easily deceived] who must be "led" [trained, controlled, restricted, guided] by the shepherds, [parents] ad nauseam. The definition of the term "led" in these groups is that the "dumb sheep" cannot trust their own judgment or ability to receive direction from the Lord for the important decisions of their lives, but must rely instead upon the transcendent wisdom and spiritual acumen of their "personal pastors"[fathers].

While it is tempting to argue that there cannot be accurate correlation between religious organizations and the individual family, I humbly submit that many who propagate the elements of this abuse believe—whether in word or in practice—that the institution of family is a complete, independent structure.

This leads us to the daughters of patriarchy.

Women and Spiritual Abuse

Daughters raised with parents who use God and the Bible to secure desired behavior will undoubtedly face myriad struggles until they are healed by the power of God. Everyone will respond differently to these issues; personality, birth order, degrees of influence outside the home, relationship with parents, and many other factors all contribute to the amplitude of obstacles and wounds.

Women brought up with patriocentric, dysfunctional and extra-biblical teachings will almost always encounter spiritual abuse. Moreover, it affects every element of her being. What I address are, in many instances, broad applications; please prayerfully seek the Lord and let His Spirit guide you into truth. If any of these matters impress you with a sting of familiarity or twinge of pain, pause to reflect and see if there is something the Lord wants you to discover. I am convinced that He wishes truth to be known by us so that we are able to heal from our afflictions, become whole, and live fully in Christ. Those of us who have long labored under the weight of our sorrows can come to Him for rest. His ministry is clear:

Luke 4:18

The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed.

Heart, mind, body, and soul

In an enlightening feature on domestic violence, the United States Department of Justice reveals the US government's position on abuses:

Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

* Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.

* Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

* Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

* Economic Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

* Psychological Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

As followers of Christ, we should be exemplary in all things. If this is the standard of our government, shouldn't our own ideals be higher? For women, these devastating experiences inflict deep adverse impressions that can take a lifetime to overcome.

Shame

Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?

If you have been raised within a fundamentalist or extremely conservative home, it is quite likely that you have heard this verse used many times as a biblical way to disparage the expression of feeling and emotion. In this manner, spiritual abuse is inextricably linked to emotional abuse by using and proof-texting biblical passages to support extra-biblical concepts. To suggest that elements inherent to femininity are less spiritual and something to be disdained completely misrepresents Imago Dei.

I have written at some length regarding shame, here and here. Briefly, women with shame-based identities filter everything through a sieve of disgrace. They feel as though they never measure up, are never good enough. Wrought with shame, they see themselves utterly worthless, incapable of producing or being anything of value, beauty, or desire—to others or to God.

Spiritual abuse instills or reinforces these lies. For example, using religious means to accomplish their goals, perpetrators—in our case, parents—appeal to a daughter's desire to be pleasing and obedient by convincing her that God is only satisfied when she [insert behavior]. Or that she must keep trying and while she will never be perfect, she must never give up the effort.

Lassitude

Over time, those controlled by shaming methods become completely weary . . . often worn before life has truly begun. It takes copious levels of energy to maintain the struggle to fight the good fight while at the same time, endure depression, low-self-esteem, confusion, and every other negative by-product of shame, knowing all the while that God is displeased with the lack of [insert good emotion or practice].

Exhaustion and fatigue are common traits among many of the women I have consulted; spiritual exhaustion often naturally follows service to a demanding god peddled by those with misplaced faith. Remember: the True God is revealed through Jesus:

Matthew 11:25 At that time Jesus answered and said, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes. 26 Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in Your sight. 27 All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. 28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

It is my contention that years and years of endless trying, labored effort, and the sense of never measuring up to established standards of biblical interpretation, family expectations, or the demanding requirements of a false or misjudged God, can contribute to the following concerns:

• lack of motivation and/or drive
• lethargy, apathy and malaise
• chronic fatigue
• depression
• procrastination
• poor follow through—whether with projects or plans, or relationships
  

Perfectionism

Ironically, many women who have exhibited some of these traits are actually core perfectionists. Years of seeking love and approval from parents or God, through spiritual performance, has instilled a deep inner dissatisfaction with anything less than sublime.

Perfectionists are their own worst critics, knowing better than anyone their abhorrent flaws and inadequacies. These things pulse like a deafening roar in the ear, unabated until the savage drive is soothed—either by achieving excellence, which pacifies the unrelenting inner coercion, or through addiction, which numbs the compelling force within.

Addiction often materializes as zealous righteousness. Bible reading, prayer, dedication to church, and other disciplines can become acceptable drugs of choice within imbalanced lifestyles. Furthermore, many religious addicts become legalists and left unguarded, can begin to perpetuate the elements from their childhood home into their own.

Idolatry

As image-bearers of the Most High, we have been created to be in relationship with Him. This principle is within every soul; mankind will always have a need for peace and reconciliation with our heavenly Father, who formed us according to His likeness. When we are presented a false view of God, even unintentionally, I believe that our spirit will rage until we hearken—for the true God is a jealous God, who loves us and yearns that we may know Him fully. Some spend their lives placating this exigence with temporal things; others remain convinced that God does not exist at all. There are seekers who wander, yet never come home, and searchers who never finish their quest. This will continue for every soul who lacks unity with the Almighty.

A natural progression along the way of destruction is the slide into idolatry. An idol is anything from which we derive our source of life, other than God Himself. Just as satiating our inner needs with religious addiction becomes a form of mis-applied worship, so is serving any god who is not the Father of Jesus.

Spiritually abusive families tend to place emphasis on religious works, partiality, appearance, behavior, and the position of father as center. Preeminence is granted to biblical law and authoritarianism, rather than to relationship and grace. Women often bear the harshest brunt of this imbalance, for they are required in the name of godliness and biblical womanhood to assist in fulfilling the vision and worldview of their fathers. That topic is enough for another article, but incongruity is revealed as daughters are trained upon paths that lead not to life, but to death, not to freedom, but to burden, not to God, but to idols, not to grace, but to shame.


Co-dependency and fear

The mishandling of religion within the family fosters extreme enmeshment among individuals. Many patriocentrists frown bitterly upon autonomy, believing (due to rampant biblical proof-texting of verses like this, which promotes self-denial, or this, which teaches to hold others in high esteem) that it cultivates selfishness among one another. In actuality, Scripture teaches that we must be self-controlled; how can we be so, when our personal boundary lines are smudged, blurred, or non-existent?

Lack of boundaries, privacy, and proper training all generate dysfunction. When portions of the Bible are applied with an interpretation that cultivates fear, a child unwittingly becomes forced to depend even further upon her father. It literally becomes a matter of life or death when manipulation of behavior involves the use of God's name, for a daughter must essentially place her soul upon the line and trust in man. She must somehow trust that he who exerts control with authoritarian fervor is infallible enough to speak the language of eternity.

This may sound far-fetched, but subtle implications are readily apparent within many fundamentalist homes. Fear-based performance has little lasting, positive effect on the heart. Women can manifest extreme distrust of authority figures; worse, they can develop roots of bitterness towards God due to errant teachings. Daughters become convinced that they are not truly loved by their parents when daily messages are underscored with manipulative control tactics—missives designed, antithetically, to appeal to the very nature that is frequently belittled within austere families: the emotional element of womanhood.

Healing for the Aching

The portrait of our gracious Father—His nature, His heart, His will, and His love—defaced through abusive means carries no light sentence. He asks us to trust Him, and bids us to come, that we may have life. Our faith brings Him pleasure. Moreover, as we begin a journey towards grace, out of our pain and into His life, what better company to be in than with Christ, and the fellowship of His sufferings!

Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Take comfort, beloved. He who has come to preach the gospel to the poor, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, is called Emmanuel—God with us.

Luke 10:25-28

And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tested Him, saying,
"What shall I do to inherit eternal life?”
He said to him, “What is written in the law? What is your reading of it?”
So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’”
And He said to him,
“You have answered rightly;
do this and you will live.”

Holiness?

Note: This is a companion post to Heart Keepers.

And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. 1Tim 6:8

We were born with basic needs. To survive, our bodies need food and water. We need clothing and shelter. Asceticism and austerity are often preached as holy living; extreme self-denial manifested among many aspects of legalism and man-made tradition.

^{1 Cor. 3:18} Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. ¹⁹ For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.

^{Colossians 2:20} Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations— ²¹ “Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle,” ²² which all concern things which perish with the using—according to the commandments and doctrines of men? ²³ These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.

Food, clothing, shelter . . . and coffee?

Many of us wither under guilt for daring to consider anything other than these very basic necessities as true needs. I want to know: when did holiness come to partially be defined as basic survival? To see how little we can get away with, and still exist? Why is it considered not as holy to thrive and to flourish?

Here is a common passage of Scripture used to justify these things:

^{Matthew 16:24} Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. ²⁵ For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. ²⁶ For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

Others believe that to acquire more than the elemental needs in life leads to materialism and focus on unrighteous pursuits. Did you often hear the phrase, "Do without!" during your life? It can become almost a challenge for some, to see how little they can get by upon. Some, like the Amish, forgo electricity and other modern "conveniences." Others argue, we don't NEED electricity to survive; we don't NEED telephones, or running water, or new shoes. Some go so far as to imply that if we want something, it is automatically material for self-sacrifice and therefore our wants reflect innate carnality.

This mentality is not limited to physical manifestation. These very ideals are blanketed across the entire personhood of those born into such environments--in this case, the daughters of emotionally abusive parents.

Steve Hein, a humanist who works with suicidal teens and founder of Eqi.org, has created a list of what he considers basic human emotional needs. Prayerfully consider some of what he has to say. Whether or not you agree with his philosophies, this is something that I believe the Church needs to address.

Here are some of the basic human emotional needs expressed as feelings. While all humans share these needs, each differs in the strength of the need, just as some of us need more water, more food or more sleep. One person may need more freedom and independence, another may need more security and social connections. One may have a greater curiosity and a greater need for understanding, while another is content to accept whatever is told to him.

In various degrees, each according to his or her own unique nature, we each have a natural emotional need to feel:
accepted
acknowledged
admired
appreciated
approved of
believed in
capable
challenged
clear (not confused)
competent
confident
forgiven
forgiving
free
fulfilled
heard
helped
helpful
important
in control
included
listened to
loved
needed
noticed
powerful
private
productive / useful
reassured
recognized
respected
safe / secure
supported
treated fairly
trusted
understandng
understood
valued
worthy
--Steve Hein

In our righteous zeal to break away from the world, I believe that we lose sight of the balance that is important to sustain the health of our minds, hearts, souls, and bodies. Just as God's gift of sex is good, yet has become tainted by our culture, I believe that these emotions and feelings are necessary to our wholeness as women created by God, even if secular teachers have elevated them to improper heights. Do not underestimate the exigence of these things; our merciful Savior can both save and redeem what He has created and instilled within us.

Please do not make God a liar by ascetically insisting that these are not good, and not vital to life. Do not deny the blessings that these can bring upon you--as well as the discipline, for those of us emotional creatures know full well the paradoxical nature of these things.

John 10:10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

How is your emotional life?

Have you been robbed of an abundant heart?

As daughters of God, I believe that He delights when we flourish before Him and live with passion and feeling. To exult in your womanhood and to offer yourself a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable, are not mutually exclusive. Dear sister, live! For the glory of God, live!

The Hidden Part

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. Psalm 51:6

Throughout my personal journey, this Scripture has been a lifeline. In the midst of the darkness, it has acted as a beacon of sorts, to bring me to pause and become re-oriented. What is the truth of the situation? I would ask myself, when faced with a brutal fact or ugly realization. Because the truth is, I was hurt as a little girl. Spiritually and emotionally wounded as a young woman. Emotional scars, while often invisible, bear some of the deepest shadows and most agonizing pain that is ever known on this earth. Spiritually injuring a budding soul reaps scathing words from Jesus: “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes! Matthew 18

'Offense' also means 'abuse.'

I know that for some women, God has instituted miraculous healings that cleanse from the depths every ache within the soul. What a beautiful treasure! Those who have been so liberated can attest to His wondrous, miraculous ways.

For others, our journeys lie along lurid, precipitous paths. I believe that God is no less involved. I cannot suggest why some seem to have a more difficult time; a further distance to wander . . . yet let me whisper: as one who has stumbled along a prolonged, excruciating, black-as-midnight path, that the sweet intimacy which God has fostered through the pain is of such exquisite beauty that parts of me would do it all over again if it would bring me nearer to Him.

What is the truth of your situation?

I do not believe that glossing over ugly words, dismissing actions or attitudes that were hurtful towards you, or applying a bandage to the gashes on your heart, are effective measures to healing inner inflictions. Making something look more palatable has become a coping mechanism for some, but it is of little help for true, lasting healing. Convincing yourself that it didn't happen, or that at least it wasn't as bad as you feel, merely prohibits recovery.

May I humbly add that this is denial?

And deceptive?

I do not say this to shame the aching dear souls who long for God’s touch. He knows when the time is right to venture forth into the darkness. I beg you: do not rush against His leading. Yet when He urges you forward, know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is with you every step, every moment. If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. Psalm 139:8

It is natural to feel as though you are betraying the ones who injured you. Acknowledging truth is a separate matter from forgiveness. In moments of confusion ask, what is the truth of the situation? Is it true that you were hurt? Do not succumb to the temptation to shrug it away as though it didn’t matter. The truth is that it does matter. It does hurt. Please do not think to yourself, Well, I was just too sensitive. They were just kidding around. Those thoughts will prolong the regeneration of your spirit. You as a person, as a woman, matter to Jesus! He yearns to fill the broken, empty places with His love and light and life.

Over the next few days I will be talking about forgiveness, respect, and honor as it relates to truth.

The Mystery of Grace

My last article reviewed some of the features of shame, and drew comparisons between shame and guilt. To review, guilt--or godly conviction--is the feeling that follows sinfulness. For hearts submitted to Christ, it is a precious vessel by which we become aware that we have committed wrong, presenting the choice to seek forgiveness and restoration. On the other hand, shame is the internalized sense that I am wrong, worthless, evil, and have nothing of value to offer God or anyone else.

I have proposed that it can be helpful, when determining the source of your feelings, to ask: does this make me want to run to God or away from God? If the source of your emotion causes you to bury your head in darkness, I humbly beseech you to venture unto His feet and ask Him to reveal the deep inner secrets that oppress your soul.

. . .the Dayspring from on high has visited us;To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death; To guide our feet into the way of peace. Luke 1

Psalm 51:6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

The Voice of Shame

Do any of these ideas sound familiar?

• I can't do anything right; I am a failure.
• I am worthless. There is nothing good about me.
• If people only knew the real me, they wouldn't even want to be around me.
• God must think I am horrible.
• I always say the wrong thing.
• I can't voice any of my needs or desires. . .most of them are ungodly, anyway.
• I don't deserve anything nice.
• No matter what I do, I am still selfish and bad inside.

Most of these negative beliefs emerge from a deep sense of imperfection. The drive for perfection I believe comes, in part, by a good desire to live righteously and to. . .be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. Matt. 5 Some of us are inclined to have a pleasing nature, which can slip into idolatry as we seek the approval of others over God.

When I struggled with depression, the overwhelming sense in my mind was "It's not that I make mistakes; its that I am a mistake!" I firmly believed the world would have been a better place and that my family would have been happier, if I had never been born. More than anyone I could see my own shortcomings. My "failures" loomed like towering, smothering giants, bellowing smoke and fire. They weighed upon me like a death sentence.

The Voice of Truth

For those who have been raised in shame-based families, a crucial element to healing is learning to replace these lies with truth from God's word. What does He have to say?

One of the most precise passages addressing this is found in Romans 8. . .There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

Meditate upon this verse, for truly Christ has come to set us free from the bondage of sin and death. What is more deathly than shame? It undermines everything within our hearts and renders us less effective for the kingdom.

Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., author of "Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem", writes:

"Early in life, individuals develop an internalized view of themselves as adequate or inadequate within the world," she said. "Children who are continually criticized, severely punished, neglected, abandoned, or in other ways abused or mistreated get the message that they do not 'fit' in the world -- that they are inadequate, inferior or unworthy."

These feelings of inferiority are the genesis of low self-esteem, Sorenson says.

"Individuals with low self-esteem become overly sensitive and fearful in many situations," she said. "They are afraid they won't know the rules or that they've blundered, misspoken or acted in ways others might consider inappropriate. Or they might perceive that others reject or are critical of them."

Once low self-esteem is formed, the person becomes hypersensitive -- they experience "self-esteem attacks" that take the form of embarrassment or shame, Sorenson adds.

"Unlike guilt -- which is the feeling of doing something wrong," she said, "shame is the feeling of being something wrong. When a person experiences shame, they feel 'there is something basically wrong with me.'"

Consider the implications of this.

For a woman to spend her life feeling rejected, inferior, unworthy, inadequate, and a blight on the face of the earth. . .how indescribably sad! Unfortunately, it is all too common. In my humble opinion, if the enemy can keep a woman shamed--he has done his work. A condemned woman, tortured by her own thoughts and memories and messages she received throughout her life has no will to live. It can be a challenge merely to rise in the morning, much less smile and be a shining light within the darkness.

It is not that she will not try. Oh, she will. . .fatigued, plagued with self-doubt, and summoning every ounce of motivation, she will burst forth and try to prove invaluable to those around her so she can find a sense of satisfaction and purpose in life. Sheer desperation, hunger for acceptance and approval, and a frenzied effort of doing will keep her spinning in a vicious cycle. . .further compounding shame as mistakes glare her in the face when she fails.

To this woman Jesus extends a restraining hand. Come to Me, He pleads. I will give you rest.

No condemnation.

There lies before us a choice. Do we want to listen to the old messages of condemnation, or to the gentle voice of the Son of God? Healing lies within His blood-stained hands.

1 Cor. 10:3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. . .

I believe that each time a shaming lie pops into our mind, it is essential to choose then and there what we will believe. It is re-training, in a sense; replacing grave errors with truth. Because of Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame. . .we can approach the throne of grace with boldness for the help we need to overcome this battle.

Grace

My exhortation to you is to be gentle to yourself. Do not grow impatient as you learn to walk a new way. Take every moment by moment, and pray without ceasing. Oh, dear one. . .I pray that you will know the cleansing, healing mercy and grace that the Father offers! To partake of His grace is the most precious gift; for it bypasses your doing, and warmly embraces your being! This exquisite gift brings joy and life and freedom from the subtle roots of shame that oppress! This is His answer for a weary, burdened soul seeking relief.

. . .the hope which is laid up for you in heaven, of which you heard before in the word of the truth of the gospel, which has come to you, as it has also in all the world, and is bringing forth fruit,as it is also among you since the day you heard and knew the grace of God in truth. . .For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. Col. 1

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I strongly recommend "Released from Shame: Moving Beyond the Pain of the Past" by Sandra D. Wilson.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

This will begin a series identifying the main elements of what I believe undermines the very core of who we are as women. How we view ourselves, our effectiveness as a woman created in the image of God, our relationships, and our futures are all impacted by the roots that have attached themselves to the base of our souls. I choose to start with the subject at hand because it is more common and devious than we realize; before we are aware of it, we too can become swept along by the current and injured in its wake. So deceptive is this crime, that it slyly becomes the very foundation of what we believe, and why.

Spiritual abuse takes on many forms. The insidiousness of this becomes apparent every time I talk to women who don't realize why they think or feel the way they do. It affects not only our spiritual lives, but also our hearts, minds, and as I believe, our bodies. It can be very difficult to identify, because it looks and sounds so right. With our built-in drive to please, to pursue holiness, and be obedient to God, we become particularly susceptible to this foul element of religiosity. In my belief, there is almost nothing more that grieves the heart of God!

Let us examine some of the obvious features.

Spiritual Abuse & Religious Cults

definitions

In relation to religion, the Compact Oxford English Dictionary of Current English defines "cult" as:
1 a system of religious worship directed towards a particular figure or object.
2 a small religious group regarded as strange or as imposing excessive control over members.

The Random House Unabridged Dictionary's eight definitions of "cult" are:

1. A particular system of religious worship, esp. with reference to its rites and ceremonies;
2. An instance of great veneration of a person, ideal, or thing, esp. as manifested by a body of admirers;
3. The object of such devotion;
4. A group or sect bound together by veneration of the same thing, person, ideal, etc;
5. Group having a sacred ideology and a set of rites centering around their sacred symbols;
6. A religion or sect considered to be false, unorthodox, or extremist, with members often living outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader;
7. The members of such a religion or sect;
8. Any system for treating human sickness that originated by a person usually claiming to have sole insight into the nature of disease, and that employs methods regarded as unorthodox or unscientific.

With the actual definitions as a background, consider this by Jeff VanVonderen:

Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.

Unfortunately, this appears not only within the "crazies" such as Jonestown or the Moonies; many churches and families also exhibit these very characteristics. Taking advantage, whether intentionally or indirectly, these institutions exploit one's love for God and loyalty; in effect using these qualities to promote their own agenda, purposes, and beliefs. In his book Churches that Abuse, Dr. Ronald Enroth lists several distinctives that are worth considering:

Authority and Power - abusive groups misuse and distort the concept of spiritual authority. Abuse arises when leaders of a group arrogate to themselves power and authority that lacks the dynamics of open accountability and the capacity to question or challenge decisions made by leaders. The shift entails moving from general respect for an office bearer to one where members loyally submit without any right to dissent.

Manipulation and Control - abusive groups are characterized by social dynamics where fear, guilt, and threats are routinely used to produce unquestioning obedience, group conformity, and stringent tests of loyalty to the leaders are demonstrated before the group. Biblical concepts of the leader-disciple relationship tend to develop into a hierarchy where the leader's decisions control and usurp the disciple's right or capacity to make choices on spiritual matters or even in daily routines of what form of employment, form of diet and clothing are permitted.

Elitism and Persecution - abusive groups depict themselves as unique and have a strong organizational tendency to be separate from other bodies and institutions. The social dynamism of the group involves being independent or separate, with diminishing possibilities for internal correction and reflection. Outside criticism and evaluation is dismissed as the disruptive efforts of evil people seeking to hinder or thwart.

Life-style and Experience - abusive groups foster rigidity in behavior and in belief that requires unswerving conformity to the group's ideals and social mores.

Dissent and Discipline - abusive groups tend to suppress any kind of internal challenges and dissent concerning decisions made by leaders. Acts of discipline may involve emotional and physical humiliation, physical violence or deprivation, acute and intense acts of punishment for dissent and disobedience.

While they believe such groups may not be cults, perse, the authors of The Drift into Deception: The Eight Characteristics of Abusive Christianity list specific qualities of those factions which are inclined towards spiritually abusive tendencies. From page 50: "We may define an aberrant group as one which emerged from orthodox, mainstream Christianity, but differs from it in belief and practices in one or more essential ways. The word aberrant means "straying from the right or normal way; deviating from the usual or natural type." An aberrant Christian group, then , is neither a cult nor an evangelical organization." The following attributes are often present in such assemblies:

• Charisma and pride
• Anger and intimidation
• Greed and fraud
• Immorality
• Enslaving authoritarian structure
• Exclusivity
• Demanding loyalty and honor
• New biblical revelations

While all groups will not demonstrate every single aspect, or varying degrees of them, there are still alarming similarities within many churches and families that need to be acknowledged. Unfortunately however, this can prove overwhelming when it hits too close to home.

Healthy vs. unhealthy leadership

I will not attempt to exhaust every good element within healthy "religious" organizations, but I will detail a few important characteristics that are always present within balanced church groups and family structures. I believe that these distinct virtues are: humility, sacrifice, and altruism.

Humility

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. 26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. 27 And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20

Godly religious or family authority takes on the distinct humility of Jesus, who appeared in the form of a bondservant and became obedient to the point of death. Can your spiritual leader be found figuratively or even literally on his knees, washing the feet of his disciples? Or does it seem more likely that his followers are bowed before his feet?

Sacrifice

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. 11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep. 12 But a hireling, he who is not the shepherd, one who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees; and the wolf catches the sheep and scatters them. John 10

Does your leader routinely lay themselves down for their flock? Or do they require unbalanced degrees of service, veneration, and loyalty?

Altruism

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Phil. 2

Does your spiritual leader honestly set aside his own will and desire, seeking the well-being of those within his care?

Families and church systems that lack these elements are in grave danger of not only becoming out of balance, but of grossly misrepresenting the True God to those entrusted to their care. Let's look at some of the ramifications that Spiritual Abuse exacts upon women.

The effects on women

Spiritually abused women, who still seek healing and wholeness. . .

• often struggle with the concept of God
• have difficulty trusting those in authority
• often find themselves within unhealthy relationships
• have little or no boundaries
• dwell with extreme feelings of guilt and shame
• struggle with low self esteem, consider themselves worthless and wicked at the core
  
• often have health and weight issues
• battle depression
• have difficulty make decisions due to lack of confidence and trust in their abilities
• feel they never measure up to God's standards
• do not think of themselves as autonomous beings, created in the image of God
• cannot fully comprehend the love of God
• feel disconnected from their souls, emotions, feelings, and God

I will expound upon these with greater detail in future articles, but oh, my dear friend! Those of you, who bear these burdens and feel the oppressive ache within your soul. . . my heart breaks for you! I was once afflicted, such as you are; nearly to the point of suicide and death. I grew tired of life; weary and exhausted from endlessly trying to measure up to the standards that were rigidly forced upon me. We will explore some of these issues later, but for now, let me encourage you that it is possible to be set free through the grace and sanctification of our Heavenly Father! Take heart, and know that He who is the Father to the Fatherless is with you always.

For further study, I heartily recommend The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen.