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Why Patriarchy Can Look Attractive | Guest Post By a Mother of 12

We live in an age where there are "solutions" to nearly every problem. When one is not readily available, we continue to strive to find one, assuming that one can be found. We adults were born in a century that saw many deadly diseases eradicated, or at least cures found. We continue, and rightly so, searching for cures to diseases that are yet without solution. Even today, BP and the government are working day and night to solve a problem of vast proportions, assuming it can be solved. We, especially Americans, have the attitude that there is nothing "WE" cannot do. We pride ourselves on our ingenuity, education, and abilities, which are, no doubt great.

But what about sin? Do "we" have a solution to sin? We have 4 teenage sons, ages 14-19. In the last eight months, we have had to deal with sexual sin in some form or another in their lives, from falling into p*rn sites to having sex with girlfriend. We are disappointed, but not broken hearted, as we have learned the God's grace can and will draw them back into a right relationship. But, waiting for that is very difficult.

It is very tempting to look for a "formula' that will ensure that our children do not stray from God's way. Especially when "experts" trot out their lovely families (and they ARE lovely no doubt) purporting that they have found "the" way to raise children who will never stray.

This is a very attractive idea, especially when in the midst of disappointment with a child who has fallen into sin of some nature. Far too often we look to a leader who seems to have all the answers, rather than falling on our knees before the Lord, searching the scriptures for ourselves, and waiting upon the Father who loves our children even more greatly than we do.

Trust me, I would LOVE to have some formula that would protect my children from falling as low as they have. To have avoided the tears and the fears of the last few months would be very welcome. But life gets dirty and God allows what He allows in His sovereign nature. Right now, He is allowing my sons to see what is really in their hearts and to see their great need for Him.

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

I can say these things now, because with six adult children, I've gotten to the other side. Five are believers and live lives learning to follow God. One is still a prodigal, but God never seems to cease sending her wake up calls. He will never give up on our children as we lift them up to Him. Ultimately, they will decide if they will follow.

Only through experience do our children learn their need for a savior or THE Savior. We in no way can protect against that, nor can we train to avoid it. We can only give them Christ, guide them through life's difficulties, and in our prayers, lay them at the foot of the Cross for His sovereign work in their lives. Satan does go about as roaring lion and wishes to have our children. Never cease to be in prayer for them.
This guest post was written by a conservative, homeschooling mother of 12 children.


  1. Thank you for posting this! Growing up involves making mistakes. If we aren't allowed to make mistakes (even big ones sometimes), how will we ever learn where our limits are? Or what God's grace looks like? Outward control will never really produce inward self-control. It will only look good for a while.

    I'm all for making as few mistakes as possible! But to make absolutely no mistakes would mean to live in mortal fear of ever doing anything. And God has said over and over that He does not want us to live in fear. He wants us to have confidence in Him and in His ability to use even our mistakes for His good.

  2. Thank you for your transparency. I wish all "Christian" families were as honest and as sound in doctrine as you are.

    No where in the Bible does it ever give one example of people raising their children up to follow the Lord perfectly. Sure, we have the distinct directive to talk with our children about God and His Word as we get up, go through our day and wind down with the family at night.

    But that directive was given to the nation of Israel while they were still in the wilderness, so we KNOW for a historical fact that keeping that command did NOT bring about a sinless state of grace! Far from it!

    People are precious to God. He sets before us life and death, and urges us to choose life. I think the greatest evidence of his love is not that life is one of the choices, but that he gives us the freedom to choose.

  3. God has used sin in my life, so I would see just how broken I was and want healing. Sin made me feel guilty and want my shame removed. That desire to live free of shame made me see my past and the lies I believed from childhood in a way nothing else ever do. Sin is what drew me to God.

  4. "God has used sin in my life, so I would see just how broken I was and want healing. Sin made me feel guilty and want my shame removed. That desire to live free of shame made me see my past and the lies I believed from childhood in a way nothing else ever do. Sin is what drew me to God."

    This saved me today, thank you for sharing...especially the Sin is what drew me to God, two years of condemnation [see my other reply on the other topic to the side bar] just fell off like chains. Thank you.

    just know, God used you in big way.


  5. "We are disappointed, but not broken hearted, as we have learned the God's grace can and will draw them back into a right relationship." So important to remember. This is what I see is missing in so many Quiverfull families.

  6. Great post!

    "Ultimately, they will decide if they will follow. Only through experience do our children learn their need for a savior or THE Savior. We in no way can protect against that, nor can we train to avoid it."

    It took my parents a long time to learn this hard lesson, and even though they have come miles and miles from where they were when I was at home, I still see the renmants of the old way of thinking. And remember all the ways they thought they could control my life.

  7. This post brings to mind the time I thought life was just too hard, the deck was stacked against me because I was following scripture, while my abuser was freely utilizing every ugly trick in the book. Trusting God didn't seem to be bringing deliverance from abuse. I mentioned this to my counselor, and he replied that we all have crappy stuff to face in life, whether we are Christians or not, and that we have a choice; to walk through life alone, or to walk with Jesus. He, himself, thought it much better to walk through life with Jesus.

    I thought about what he said, and it did make sense. So I made my choice to continue walking with Jesus. But my parents would have been scandalized if they knew I had even had the thought.

    Thank-you for the grace you offer in this post. Although my daughter has also chosen Christ, sometimes she seems lukewarm, and that concerns me. I want to help her walk closer to God, but am concerned that I would do the very things my parents did that made God seem boring, and someone who said I had to stop doing whateverI was doing so we could have family devotions. I now understand, since my daughter has the same problem, that I would likely have thought devotions more interesting if they had allowed me to continue knitting as we read and discussed the Word. I seem to take things in better when my hands are busy, just like my daughter.

  8. Marlana, would you say "sin" drew you to God, or that God's grace and forgiveness in response to your sin and repentance of it drew you to Him? (I just don't want there to be any misunderstanding.)

  9. John 6:43-45
    Jesus therefore answered and said to them, “Do not murmur among yourselves. No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day. It is written in the prophets, ‘And they shall all be taught by God.’ Therefore everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to Me."

    Seeing as how the Father (via the Holy Spirit) convicts and woos us to Him, and sin is what has separated us FROM Him...I just wanted to clarify. Praise Him that He calls us even as sinners!

  10. On the sin part,

    Cynthia wrote me on this and I want to clarify,

    I think, or how I took it, because of My life, is that it was the 'knowledge of sin' [that yes God shows us, through the law, that we are Transgressors, for all have fallen short of the glory of God, all have sinned] and that,

    there IS this lie, that if we are just avoiding 'sin' we'll be o.k. That is a partial truth and one that is HUGE today in the apostasy,

    Paul goes on to say in Romans that we are justified Freely by His Grace, that He died for us while we were Ungodly--then he goes on to say, do we sin, God forbid, for how when we are dead to sin, continue to live therein, then he goes on to talk about the flesh/spirit,

    the LIE I felled or believed and it's a common one, that is quite clever is the salvation by works lie, that if we just say the sinner's prayer and avoid 'sin' that we are fine,


    that is a slight twist on the truth because that is not being Born Again, that is simply, living by the Law, and Paul goes into this. What I didn't realize, is that it's not just that I needed salvation because I did a few sins,




    This is why, Jesus says, many will come to me saying, Lord Lord but didn't I, notice the I, preach and didn't I, notice the I, do great works and didn't I, do signs, etc., and He will say, I NEVER KNEW YOU, DEPART FROM ME WORKERS OF INIQUITY, YOU DID NOT DO WILL OF GOD IN HEAVEN... [paraphrasing here]

    what is God's Will? That we submit to HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, not ours. we HAVE NONE. And that is what Grace is

    the law lovers were always trying to get the church back into the yoke of Bondage [Gal] and do you saved by grace now serve in the Flesh, Paul asked?

    That is because, we are not to Reform, which is what 'just not sinning is' but WE are to

    MORTIFY THE DEEDS OF THE BODY, WALK IN THE SPIRIT, then there is no condemnation, etc.

    So, Yes, I am thankful that God opened my blind eyes and showed me not just my sinning but my DEPRAVED NATURE, that I could reform and play Christianity till blue in face--it's not until I go to the Cross, ALL OF IT,

    and say, God I agree with you, I am worthy of DEATH, JESUS SAVE ME FROM MY SINS AND SELF,


    Anything else, is a false conversion--and many sadly, have fallen for this lie and it's why we see the iniquity we see today. In the end days they will have a FORM of Godliness, but they will DENY THE POWER THEREOF,

    and the test--is IF we love our brethren, IF we say we have no sin we LIE,

    that is John,

    salvation is NOT reform, it is NOT going by Law, that includes turning New Testament into Law--we are to be Transformed, by FAITH,

    by FAITH, then add to that patience and virtue and so forth, to Love, if we Love there is no place for stumbling in us...




    So, in that light, Yes, I praise God, HE showed me, using the sin, knowledge of Sin, to show me my true human nature self--that I needed not just reform, but a Savior, to be BORN AGAIN...



  11. Sorry I get really passionate about this, btw I do read the Word every day, not because I'm a 'good Christian' but because I can't LIVE without the Word, I can't even have Peace without it...that's how Desperate I am and it's Because

    for Years, prior To the rebellion and during, I thought I was so right, self righteousness and it is nothing but Pride and the biggest Lie of Satan. And it's just amazing how many have fallen for it--

    Those who Worship God must do so in Spirit and in TRUTH, the Honest and Good Heart, bears fruit in time,

    that means coming to Him naked, and NOT hiding, not just oh Jesus I sinned, forgive,

    but Jesus, Help ME, I am depraved, when you see that, Then you know, you KNOW,

    without Him, you are screwed. And it's an experience you don't forget, it Does cause a fear and trembling, the Danger in the avoiding sin/reform is that it leads to a False sense of security, that is blind,

    and does not lead to TRUE inner change, Clean the Inside of your cup, Jesus said, WE can't do that, but HE can, but ONLY when we SEE what we truly are,

    God showed me, one day and image, of me, with this good fake, but a serpent inside, that is what it is, the knowledge of good/evil LIE, being 'good' as a mask to cover evil, but see that evil still there-

    and it's not just doing good works, it can be a false conversion, the oh I sinned forgive me, but until that nature is seen, then it's really just hiding still,

    and then it' the look at all those, comparisons, I think a good sign of false conversion, is the comparisons, to console our own 'holiness' so we Think,

    but when You see how GOD sees you, well, then that's a different thing altogether. It's not just the 'sin's, oh no, it's the whole nature'

    and it is Ugly, it is Cruel, it is Evil,

    the Reason this Truth I think, is not really known in the West is because we've lived in comfort, oh yes, we have not had the Trials to Show really, what we are inside,

    Believe me, most of your so called goodie two shoe Christians, if they were being raped in war, families killed, feeling darkness so heavy, they would Fall in a heartbeat,

    Why? Because of the false conversion, the belief that Oh I'm Good, you see Love, comes from knowing that though depraved, God in His riches and Mercy still saved our sorry asses, so like you really see Love and then you see Others, in darkness, you really see that this ENTIRE WORLD is in darkness because YOU know what that darkness is,

    from the pit of deep inside you. You also know just how deceiving the leavens are, there are Two leavens, one of Pharisee one of Herod,

    it Breaks you, it just Breaks you to see and when you see it, you don't put ANY CONFIDENCE, IN THE FLESH,

    because you know better. I did, you see, I thought I got saved, then I worked on don't curse and don't do this and oh look at those sinners, and you know what,

    my unrefrigerated heart was lured into sin, one bad situ and Boom, I fell, then oh I'm o.k., then Boom fell again, then I'm o.k. and then more and more until I just didn't believe,

    well, Yea because my Faith though outwardly 'religious' was really in my SELF, not in Jesus,

    it took really knowing the Shame of seeing how despicable and Lying the human nature is [mine] to see, I needed far more than just a sinner's prayer,

    get what I am saying?

    Jesus is not just one who died for me, HE is my LIFE now, my Anchor, my Savior, My Salvation, My light, everything,

    in my flesh, I can do Nothing,

    I wouldn't DARE try to stand alone now, no way...and when I see error, and this is something God is really working in me,

    I am learning to Humbly, pray and remember, if NOT for Jesus, I'd still be in the darkness,

    when HE breaks you,

    you won't dare stand in arrogance and pride, religious ever again.

    Trust me on that one...



  12. "what is God's Will? That we submit to HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, not ours. we HAVE NONE. And that is what Grace is"

    Jane, I confess I didn't read your comments at first because they were so long, BUT...

    I had more time today so I read them all.

    Bless you, sister. Holy and blameless in His sight, not by works of righteousness but according to His mercy-AMEN!!

    I see how this is relevant to the conversation. The best Christian home school in the world is often just a self-conscious going about to establish our children in righteousness.

    It is feeding them fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. So many daughters of such home schools get SO DEPRESSED because no matter how hard they try they can NEVER MEASURE UP!

    Thank you for your lengthy but clear explanation of sanctification as a work of the Holy Spirit!

  13. Hillary, Thank you for posting this mother's gracious and very honest words. One of the things patriarchy is criticized for is the number of children in quiverful families. I am a firm believer that every child born was conceived in the mind of God before the foundation of the earth. God knew David before he was formed in the womb, and He knew me, and He knew you. Just so does he know us all (although I did get in on the tubal pregnancy discussion and I am appalled that Doug Phillips urges women to risk their lives in such a case).

    I do not advocate either birth control or the lack thereof. That is a personal decision for each couple to make for themselves without interferance from clergy or anyone else.

    I know this comment strays a bit from the others, but I feel that with all the controversy raging right now, we need to be extra careful about which parts of the controversy we aim for in attempts to deal Biblically with error and abuse.

    If all of my children had lived, I would be the mother of five today. I have frequently wished I had eight. Truly. But God knows what is best for each of us. And I have three wonderful sons and seven lovely grandchildren.

    I enjoyed reading this guest post. I would love to sit down and have a visit with the woman who wrote it and absorb some more of her wisdom.


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