The Over-Controlled Adult Child

When I was little, I had a child's pocketbook story that illustrated, in soft pastels, the fruits of the Spirit. I could recite them in thirds like a clumsy waltz: "Love, joy, peace. Long-suffering, kindness, goodness. Faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control. Mom, what is long-suffering?" I kept these fruits close and studied them, for they were the marks of good Christians and mature people. 

source

     Patience was my nemesis. "Help me to be patient and kind!" I mourned daily, prayerfully. As the oldest, I regret how often I bossed my siblings and acted without love and gentleness. I didn't struggle with lack of faithfulness much; I was very loyal to others and while I might have felt unfaithful if I only read my Bible once per day, I placed the highest priority on my time in Scripture.  My love for Jesus and desire to be found faithful drove me to invest in my spirituality.

     But without a doubt, the most challenging fruit was self-control. It covered everything about me ~ watch what filled my mind, guard my thoughts, don't eat too much, don't overreact, watch what I say, exercise, and so forth. And as I grew, my concerned parents were careful to shelter me according to their best judgment from negative influences, ungodliness, the "world", and anything detrimental. Their control ~ of me, my environment, and my spiritual and psychological growth ~ was the result of careful consideration and their understanding of Scripture and righteousness.

The adult child

     The onset of adulthood is a convoluted subject within many conservative Christian homes. The legal age of 18 doesn't always carry weight for those concerned with being "not of the world." Yet as children mature and reach adulthood, healthy parents will relinquish the control they assume upon their offspring and trust them to God. However, as we see all-too-frequently within authoritarian households, excessive control upon adult children creates serious stumbling blocks that must be removed before we can continue to become spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy and mature.

     Within Christian parenting, an oft-quoted Scripture is found in Proverbs 22. "Train up a child in the way he should go," says verse 6, "and when he is old he will not depart from it." How this is done varies from family to family ~ rightfully so ~ and should even vary from child to child. But there is another passage with similar wording that caught my attention recently. God, the ultimate Parent, speaks to us:  

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye. Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you." (Ps. 32:8-9) 

The only way we can fully be open to His instruction, teaching, and personal guidance is to be self-controlled. Essentially this means not harnessed by any other person. With deep respect for parents trying to get it right, this also means that when we as adults are under the control of our parents, we are not fully submitted to God. And as long as we aren't wholly submitted to our heavenly Father, as long as we look to someone else, rather than the Holy Spirit, to instruct and teach us, our hearts will be divided. 

"But you, do not be called ‘Rabbi’; for One is your Teacher, the Christ, and you are all brethren. Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ." (Matthew 23:8-10)

Parental over-control

     Unfortunately, many Christian parents treat their adult children as though they must be harnessed with bit and bridle so that they will "come near you" ~ do what they want, meet their needs or ideals, achieve performance and desired behavior. In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children's lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinders them from growth and maturity.

     Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren't loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth ~ because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.

      Please join me next week for my new series about control.

Question for you:

     As an adult, perhaps even married with a family of your own, what areas of your life are still controlled by your parents? Physical control is what we think of most, but what about emotional control? Mind control? How does this affect your thinking, your living, your decisions, emotions, your significant relationships? This isn't to cast blame or to find fault, but to identify the areas of our lives that need to be healed and placed in order for God's glory.

Note: adult children from controlling households know the difference between over-control and simply "not getting their way." Comments that accuse or somehow suggest that the child is merely rebellious or restricted  or prohibited from doing "what they want" are not helpful or edifying and will be deleted.

It's Saturday Evening Blogpost Time!

I've met some awesome bloggers through Elizabeth Esther's monthly Saturday Evening Blogpost...and I think you will too! Find a favorite post you wrote in August, link it in her linky box and leave a comment, then create a post at your own site inviting readers to join, too! I am revisiting my post "Counterfeit Patriarchy" and hope that it bless you...
 

And don't forget, my own linky box is still open if you'd like to participate in our Journey to Grace. Have a lovely weekend, friends!!

For the Wounded Heart Seeking Home

 

"I just want to go home."

I barely catch them, these words. Whispers. They linger, and for a moment she looks as though she didn't speak at all, that I heard her soul's cry in silence. We sit, she and I, and her children climb across our knees, laughing and boisterous like little boys are, and the silence swirls, inviting and deafening, and tears fall.

     "I don't know if I mean home home, like heaven, or that I want to go back and be a little girl in a world where everything is okay and life doesn't hurt. I'm tired of fighting to stay alive."

     Caleb pounds me with his cotton elephant and shrieks with glee, two ivory teeth glistening with laughter. His mother weeps. "I think I miss the idea of what should be, what should've been." Eyes gather her babies with love and longing. "Then I feel guilty. I want it all to stop ~ I want it all to go away."

     Sometimes silence respects aching in mysterious ways, with quiet prayers cast heavenward rather than hesitant, awkward condolences. At least, I hope so as I fling them now, hurling quick, desperate pleas to the Keeper of our Eternal Home.

      She gulps breath, dries eyes on sleeve. I'm reminded of another sleeve: a hem, dusty, crowd-stained, grasped in desperate hands so long ago. She speaks once more: "I don't know how to make it end. I just know that it has to."   

     Priceless, these fragments of a broken heart. Warm with crimson traces of a thousand untold stories, she hands them over; my fingers drip, receiving. My own heart weeps. I think of other hands that bled so long ago and I share the burden; I hold the splinters close, and pray.   

A

nd us wounded ones who have lost parts of ourselves in the battle, who walk around with gaping, bleeding emptiness, who feel the longing for something we have lost but can never seem to find, who yearn for a home that always seems to elude us and a wholeness that is never quite ours, perhaps that aching is itself an answer from God?  That our craving for Him is a way of experiencing Him.  And in our hungering for God, we are slowly healed by God.

—Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience  
“Letters to the Wounded: When you Wonder, Where is God?”

Home.

     Like an aging veteran or rape survivor carries memory in flesh,* we have home memory. For those of us whose thoughts of home are bittersweet, who yearn to replace, relive, and redeem, the emptiness can be especially sharp. We are born with it, this innate beacon that draws us, calls us, knows what should be. We are created for home. It is no coincidence, I think, that the very idea of wholeness embedded in homeostasis begins with it. Home. What we were made for, where our heart goes and spirit returns.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit. (John 3:7-8)    

Birth is a journey made in darkness, in travail and aching, in rawness and blood. He launches us in secret, our skin and bone, and in another shadowed womb, He completes us, makes us beautiful and whole in the fullness of time. The wind blows where it wishes. Who is to say when we are finished being born? Our Redeemer doesn't miss a tear and doesn't waste our pain, and it is in this unwasted aching we find grace. Sometimes the labor is long, yet with pain comes life. Birth brings us home.

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God . . .” (Isaiah 43:1-3a)

I'd love to hear your thoughts about grace: your questions, your conclusions, your light-bulb moments. Insert a direct link into MckLinky and then compose a post at your own site, linking back to this article so others can follow with us. I look forward to discovering more of grace with you.  For more information, please click here.

*Note: graphic and potentially triggering link appropriate for mature readers. Please view with discernment.

Discover grace with us on Fridays and link to discoveries of your own...

Duck? Duck? Goose.

by Eric M. Pazdziora

few years ago, I played a game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” It was me, a few other teachers, and a room full of energetic 6–9 year olds. I sometimes find myself in odd situations like this. I’m never quite sure why.

This is the game where everyone sits in a circle and takes turns picking one person to play the part that everyone wants to play, namely “Run around the circle like a maniac and try to catch the person who picked you.” The suspense is horrible—“Duck… duck… duck…”—is it going to be you? Are they going to say “Goose?” Are you going to get to run? Thirty-five children screaming “Pick me, pick me!” But only the Goose gets to run.

Well, a pleasant enough way to burn energy for twenty minutes or so, I suppose. (My own preference in children’s game is “Everybody Just Go Ahead and Run Like a Maniac and Get It Over With,” which may be why they didn’t usually put me in charge of games.)

Afterward, we gathered the children together to move on to the next activity. One little girl, Jasmine, wouldn’t join the line. She stood off toward the corner, not saying a word. Jasmine was in my group, so I hung back to talk with her and make sure everything was OK.

At first she wouldn’t say anything. Finally she looked up at me, trying bravely to hold back the tears, and said three words. “Nobody picked me.”

My heart broke.

I knew what that was like, not being picked. There are memories I still can’t bear to remember. The lonely kid on the playground, the last one picked for the ball team, playing by himself because nobody else would—You’re me, Jasmine. That was me. Nobody picked me, either.

I said the only thing in the world I could think of to say, which I knew was hardly any comfort at all. “Well, the next time we play I’ll pick you, OK?”

She nodded. I hadn’t made it any better but I’d made it bearable.

We played a different game the next week and the week after that. A few weeks later it was time for “Duck, Duck, Goose” again. Thirty-five eager faces waiting to be picked. Duck, duck, duck.

Somehow it was my turn to pick. (Duck, duck, duck.)

This time there was no suspense at all. Just delight. Goose. I picked Jasmine.

I don’t remember whether I let her catch me. I remember her running, and I remember her smile. You couldn’t buy that smile with a million dollars. It was like Christmas morning. It was pure joy.

I know, I sound embarrassingly gallant, but really it was the only possible decent thing to have done. If you’d seen those big brown eyes looking up at you, you’d have done exactly the same. It comes so naturally. You want those eyes to smile. Only a wicked witch or the devil or an ogre or something like that could look at Jasmine trying not to cry and say “Nah, I don’t pick you. I pick someone else instead.”

This is how I believe in God. If my heart breaks and I can’t help but choose a little girl to run because she wants to, and if God is infinitely more loving than I am, then God is not a God of exclusion. He can’t be. It’s just impossible. God is love. God chooses. God picked you.

For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you. (1 Thessalonians 1:4)

But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth. (2 Thessalonians 2:13)

He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. (Ephesians 1:4-6)

It’s unfortunate that some systems of theology take Scriptures like these and spin them into questions about predestination and determinism and free will and who gets into heaven and who gets left out. There’s room in Scripture to discuss those, of course, but not here. These verses were not written to speculate about eternal destiny but to encourage you. You’re loved. You’re chosen.

God’s “choice” is intertwined with His love. The answer to the question “Who does God choose?” in these verses is specifically “You.” God loves you, so God chose you. If you’ve always wanted to be chosen, there’s Somebody who always wants to choose you.

Our problem is that, as humans, we think of choice as exclusionary. “I pick A” means “I skip B.” I order chicken for dinner, so I won’t get steak. Even in “Duck, Duck, Goose” it’s the same. I picked Jasmine, so I had to let 34 children pass by and hope that they got picked later.

But God’s ways are not ours. As Henri Nouwen has said, when God chooses, He’s choosing to include, not to exclude. These verses say God chooses, not that He rejects. He loves, not that He overlooks. God would certainly choose Jasmine because He loves her and wants her to be happy—and God loves everyone. There’s nobody God wants to leave out. There’s nobody God doesn’t want to play.

Sure, maybe Jasmine could have chosen not to run even though I picked her. (Again with that predestination/free will tension.) And Scripture seems clear enough that not all people will be saved. But is that because God—“who desires all people to be saved” (1 Tim. 2:4)—didn’t or wouldn’t choose them? Well, anyone who is lost goes away quite literally over God’s dead body, nailed to a board for the sins of the world. That’s one worth pondering.

In the end, all doctrinal speculations aside, we can say two things for sure. God loves you, and God does not reject you. Maybe everyone else will reject you. Maybe you’ll never get picked to play with the team. Even if you don’t have any friends, even if you’re rejected by your parents or your peers, even if you think nobody likes you, God loves you. God picks you. You’re chosen.

The picture to have in your mind when you think about God’s choice is not a big mass of people with some getting picked and some not. It’s that one little kid, hoping and hoping that maybe this time she’ll be picked to play, maybe this time she won’t have to be alone, maybe this time she won’t be a Duck, maybe somebody likes her after all.

And then she gets picked first.

Goose!

Eric M. Pazdziora never could get the hang of Thursdays, so he's spending them here. When he's not doing whatever it is he does, he works as a freelance composer, author, and worship leader. He lives in Chicago with his wife Carrie, who is much better looking. If you want to hear some music Eric wrote or read some more articles like this, check out ericpazdziora.com.

Question of Faith

on't forget to join us for tomorrow's feature with Eric Pazdziora, and on Friday for the first step in our Journey to Grace. I sincerely hope you will be blessed. Again, I invite you to link to your own compositions as we will dig deeply into God's grace, seeking Him in the quiet reflections and overwhelming occurrences of daily life, in Scripture, and through His Spirit.
     Question for you: if you are an adult "quivering daughter", what do you find is the most difficult stumbling block in your walk of faith, and why?

• The Bible?
• Depression?
• Shame?
• Fear?
• Hypocrisy?
• Other?

Please feel free to comment anonymously if you prefer.

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 

(Psalm 139:8)

This Week at the Quivering Daughters Blog...

ollowing the release of my book, I've been praying about the direction to take this blog and my writing. The ways God has blessed this work humbles me daily, and my heart's desire to to bring Him glory and honor through it and through other things He brings into my life. For me, part of this entails seeking balance in both the public and the private operations of my ministry ~ between writing articles, blog maintenance, nurturing the relationships I've made through it, creating thoughtful and personal followups to email and messages, and hands-on service in other ways to the body of Christ . . . and especially to the daughters of patriarchy.

I'm so excited for what's ahead! :-)

New Contributor

I'm thrilled to announce that beginning this Thursday, writer and composer Eric Pazdziora will be a weekly contributor to Quivering Daughters. Eric's love for the Lord, his passion for truth, and his grace in writing about difficult topics has blessed me tremendously and I am honored to welcome him to my blog. I hope that you, too, will be blessed by his heart and devotion to God. For a sneak peak, please view his guest post at The Cult Next Door.

Other Contributors

As the Lord leads, Lewis Wells from Commandments of Men, Darcy from Darcy's Heart-Stirrings, and a few others will become familiar faces here as well. Guest posts will run on Tuesdays.

100 Ways of Grace

I am super excited about this next feature. :-) On facebook, a dear friend noted, 

 "Please write about grace. I still don't always get it. Give examples. Say it in 100 ways. :P (if you can) :) Maybe it will continue to sink in eventually."

So, I'm going to try. :-) And yet I want to hear from you, too! Grace is  an essential element of our faith and healing . . . and yet so hard for many of us to grasp. Let's come together and share what we've learned; let's say it in a hundred ways or a thousand ways! I invite you to join me on Fridays for my new series, where I will provide a way for you to link to your own articles and thoughts about grace. I look forward to gleaning from what you have learned in your walk with the Lord. Please grab a cup of coffee and consider participating in this journey ~ and if you like, grab this button code, add it to the html portion of your website or blog, and invite your friends to join, too . . .

<center><a href="http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/search/label/journey%20to%20grace" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://i34.tinypic.com/30bfosm.jpg"/></a></center> (medium size)  <center><a href="http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/search/label/journey%20to%20grace"><img src="http://i33.tinypic.com/mrz3tk.jpg" border="0" (small size)

The Rest of the Week...

I will be posting on Mondays (articles) and Wednesdays (articles, links, other guest posts, announcements, or off-topic) as the Lord leads. It's crucial to me to write as He brings inspiration because these issues are excruciatingly serious and I don't want to write out of obligation but, as with my book, out of obedience to His leading. As time goes by I remain firmly convinced that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph. 6:12 KJV)

I really hope and pray that these blog changes will bless you as you continue to seek understanding and knowledge of God, healing from authoritarianism, spiritual and emotional abuse, and awareness of the serious issues facing many women raised within a patriocentric subculture of conservative Christianity. God bless you!

Legacy

I was blessed this weekend to read a very tender, touching review of my book by Dr. Jay Wile. To read a father's perspective of Quivering Daughters, please visit here.

y parents are some of the most creative people I know when it comes to gift-giving. Sometimes when we kids finished a grade in our homeschool curriculum, my mom would buy us a plush little African Violet for our windowsill. Mine never seemed to live very long, but even today, seeing those rich colors and the velvety textures of this delicate flower makes me smile. This gesture helped mark an accomplishment for us and while we should have given her flowers at the end of our grades, my mother's thoughtfulness brought sweet encouragement and even joy at owning a plant that was for the purposes of beauty only...and that felt like a luxury! We couldn't eat it or grow it for seed; it wasn't for the goats or cultivated for fall canning. It was an indulgence, a commemoration, and so felt extra special.

Zelophehad's Daughters | Guest Post by Cynthia Kunsman

n acquaintance of mine asked me what I knew of some of the ideas that neo-patriarchy had about unmarried women living alone. I explained that some sectors within patriarchy maintain that Numbers 30 requires unmarried adult women to have an assigned male overseer who is accountable for her and her affairs. Others in these circles maintain that all woman require a male as her a protector at all times to remain both spiritually and physically safe. Some actually extend this concept to support their idea that a woman who works outside the home (for a man other than father or husband) commits a form of adultery by serving the vision and efforts of another man.

My friend pointed out the account of the Daughters of Zelophehad in Numbers 27:1-11. They asked me why I had never cited this example in the past as evidence against patriarchy’s overtly paternalistic take on Numbers 30, and I did not have a good answer! Perhaps because it takes me a while to process the dramatic events of the previous chapter where the sons of Korah are swallowed up alive into hell for rebelling against Moses’ leadership, I glossed over the significance of this account. I did not remember anything about these daughters, and I didn’t recall their father’s name. I certainly know them now! (That’s the cool thing about Bible Study: I expect to discover a new thing that I’d passed over before or understood only marginally, and I expect that this will happen for the rest of my life.)

Numbers 27 introduces the Daughters of Zelophehad to us: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah, also tracing their lineage. Zelophehad was the great, great grandson of Manasseh, one of Joseph’s two sons. These daughters went to the Tent of Meeting and spoke directly to Moses, Eleazar (the priest), the leaders of the tribes and the congregation. They explained to Moses that their father who had borne only daughters died in the wilderness, but that he did not participate in the rebellion of the Sons of Korah. The daughters asked if their father’s name must die out because he had borne no sons and requested to be granted their father's portion of the inheritance that was set aside for Manasseh’s heirs. Verse 5 tells us that Moses brought the case of Zelophehad’s daughters directly before God.

God ruled that Zelophehad’s daughters were entitled to receive their father’s inheritance and established that if a man dies and leaves no son, that man’s inheritance should be passed to the father’s surviving daughters. If he had no daughters, the inheritance should be given to the man’s brothers or the nearest relative to keep the inheritance within the family.

If unmarried women must be assigned to a male governor who oversees their process of sanctification and protection, how is it that these daughters who were the offspring one of the house of Joseph who remained faithful to God were treated so favorably? God tells Moses to give their father’s inheritance directly to them. God doesn’t use this as an opportunity to spell out the rule that women must be assigned to a man for decision making, bestowing the inheritance upon an elected man whom God assigns to them. God doesn’t instruct Moses to find a “male covering” for these unmarried women.

Consider that these daughters also had recourse to approach Moses directly. They did not need a man or other representative to speak to Moses for them. Many women who follow strict patriarchy are denied status to even read Scripture or pray in church sanctuaries, addressing the congregation. Some churches don’t even let a woman speak to remind everyone about the “pot providence” (in place of what most people refer to as a “pot luck” meal) in the basement after the conclusion of a worship service! Yet the Daughters of Zelophehad spoke confidently and directly to Moses who took their plea directly to God. God rewarded them and established these standards for all of Israel.

In full context within close proximity to the Numbers 30 passage, does Numbers 27 support the model for women taught by many within neo-patriarchy? I think not. The account of the Daughters of Zelophehad discounts the claim that all women require male oversight and protection. Property and inheritance require good stewardship, and stewardship requires a certain degree of authority and personal autonomy. God Himself rewarded the faithful daughters with their father’s inheritance, and He did not discriminate against them because of their gender.

___________

Cynthia Mullen Kunsman, RN, BSN, MMin , ND

www.UnderMuchGrace.com

(Discussing the phenomenon of
Spiritual Abuse in Evangelical Churches)

“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it,

ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.”
                                                      Winston Churchill 

"For we can do nothing against the truth, but for the truth."
                                                        Paul to the Corinthians

Counterfeit Patriarchy

Is patriarchy God's plan for believers?

I received the following message yesterday and the author, Rachel Ramer, gave me permission to share it. She writes,

hought you might like this quote. In rereading some of the material from the Ministries of Pastoral Care, written by Leanne Payne, I came across this quote that describes one of the problems of patriarchy. When she refers to the "bent position" she connects that with [C.S.] Lewis' reference to earth as the "bent" planet in his space trilogy as a metaphor for sin.

She refers to the verse in Gen. 3:16 "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing...your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." She sees this as part of the curse, of being bent towards another person in an unhealthy way. She states:

    "Woman is bent toward man by reason of the Fall, and wants to find her identity
in him. I saw also that while the secular world pushes woman towards finding her identity in herself as sex object, the popular teachings in the Church, equally mistaken, encourage woman to find her identity in her roles as wife and mother rather than in her status as a person in Christ, a daughter complete in Him...I also saw that in woman's redemption there is healing of this bent position. 

"Women often have difficulty coming into the freedom of the vertical position in  Christ because they've either been miss-taught the Scriptures on submission of
women or have misunderstood them. The gender drive in women, that of the strong natural need and desire to respond to the male, can lead her into the bondage of the 'bent' position toward him. She may be expecting the man she loves to tell her who she is, to give to her a sense of wholeness and identity. This, of course, he cannot do." (from The Healing Presence pp. 64-66)

The main problem of the type of patriarchy we have been discussing is that it does the very thing it should not do. It reinforces the "bent" destructive tendency and attempts to replace God with man. Instead men should model for women how to not be bent towards others, to hear direct from God, and to have a strong sense of self. Instead of promoting a "biblical" view, patriarchy reinforces the curse for women and hinders freedom in Christ and healthy relationships.

end message

___________

But what is patriarchy?

Traditional marriage vows proclaim, "What God has joined together..." This implies a coupling, a side by side serving of God and sharing of life. "Yoke" means to "couple or join together." Many apply Paul's words in 2 Corinthians ("do not be unequally yoked") to marriage between believers and unbelievers. Yet to use this analogy further, consider the basis for this illustration which is the yoking of oxen: to have two separate beings working in unity, side by side for one purpose, with combined strength for greater effectiveness. If one were to pull ahead or lag behind consistently they would be unequally yoked and their work hampered.

When Christians are unequally yoked in marriage through hierarchal relationships we see the fruits of the Fall as shown in Genesis 3 and  the inevitable establishment of what I call a "counterfeit patriarchy."

patriarchy Date: 1632 1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power

2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy

This "large share of power" is what Jesus decried in Matthew 23: "But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." John the Baptist wrote, "He must increase, but I must decrease." And this attitude of exalting God and pursuing humility is diametrically opposed to modern biblical patriarchy, which is a growing movement within reformed Christianity that looks and sounds biblically correct but induces serious ramifications. It is a system that can't help but to "biblically" sanction the behaviors of those prone to authoritarian tendencies. It protects those who would abuse their authority while leaving those under care defenseless, stripping them even of biblical appeal.

True Biblical Patriarchy

This doesn't mean that there isn't an actual, truly bible-based patriarchy. While we can make a case for others, only these are specifically listed as patriarchs in the Bible: Abraham, the twelve sons of Jacob, and  David. Genesis 17 suggests what a patriarch is, and Who grants this privilege:

“As for Me, behold, My covenant is with you, and you shall be a father of many nations. No longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you a father of many nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful; and I will make nations of you, and kings shall come from you." Genesis 17:4-6

These words are from God to Abraham ~ not a promise for every man for all of time. But we do have a clear word that applies to all of us! In a beautiful fulfilling of Almighty's word, the last patriarch mentioned in Scripture, King David, became the forefather of another King who said,

Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 

With this, Jesus proclaims the One who is our Patriarch! He is our Source, our Head; furthermore, after this saying, there are no new patriarchs in the Bible. On the contrary, we see Jesus' call to abandon titles and to take up the cross! We are called to be humble servants. And called to be like children. Jesus proclaimed that unless one becomes “converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven...Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand, Jesus preached...

...but counterfeit patriarchy seeks to establish kingdoms of the earth.

Neo-patriarchy

Other than the Fathership of God, I believe that modern biblical patriarchy is not God's plan for believers and is a worldly institution. It is came as a result of the Fall, and yet, instead of reaching through Christ's redemption for what God originally designed, this neo-patriarchy works very hard to sew up the veil ripped by God on the day Jesus was crucified. Remember ~ the biblical patriarchs of old were made so by God for His purposes. What happens when individuals seek to be patriarchs on their own?

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.  This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3 (emphasis added)

The fruits of neo-patriarchy have left scars on the hearts of many seeking to know God, to hear His voice,  to walk in obedience to His calling. Yet there is healing both for those who endure the sin and for those who commit the sins of partiality and lack of mercy and authoritarianism! Micah reminds us,

      He has shown you, O man, what is good;

      And what does the LORD require of you

      But to do justly,

      To love mercy,

      And to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

If true biblical patriarchy is found in the Fathership of God, what does that make those who seek it for themselves?

It's Saturday Evening Blog Post Time!

Want to meet a bunch of new friends and read some thought-provoking, inspiring, challenging, and altogether memorable blogposts? Visit Elizabeth Esther and leave your favorite July post from your blog in her Mr. Linky box, then compose a note at your own site sharing with your readers.

Have a lovely weekend!

Feminism or Faith?

While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside, seeking to speak with Him. Then one said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.” But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:46-50)

an you imagine how Mary might have felt to hear this? I can't answer for everyone who reads this website, but virtually every woman I hear from who has found this blog testifies that she is seeking to obey the will of God as it relates to her life. Because we are blessed to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, within that personal relationship, God will communicate, guide, and direct personally. I realize this might seem elementary, but many well-meaning people continue to teach that when a woman listens to or seeks God herself, or when she is given a calling by Him for her life, that she is being influenced by feminism's alleged focus on independence instead of listening to her parents' interpretation of God's will for her.

However, I contest that instead of promoting independence, when we encourage all others, women included, to seek the voice and will of God, we promote something far greater...God-dependence. This certainly isn't an objective of feminism! And it requires faith. It might seem simpler to rely on those who lay out specific guidelines of belief and behavior, or tell us what we should or shouldn't do, because then we have our lives in black and white. We know exactly what we are to do and what's expected of us. Having someone "hear God for us" makes our spiritual walk easy and broad! When our path is wide, we don't have to worry about falling off the edge. We can see our steps clearly, and see far into the distance. We can place our trust in those who have a vision for our lives. We don't have to weigh the consequences or endure the pain of living. It's not as scary this way, and perhaps we make fewer mistakes. We don't have to search the Scriptures quite so doggedly to determine God's will ~ because those who have set themselves in this position in our lives have already done so. Yet Scripture says:

      Who among you fears the LORD?
      Who obeys the voice of His Servant?
      Who walks in darkness
      And has no light?
      Let him trust in the name of the LORD
      And rely upon his God.
       Look, all you who kindle a fire,
      Who encircle yourselves with sparks:
      Walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks you have kindled—
      This you shall have from My hand:
      You shall lie down in torment. (Isaiah 50:10-11)

Faith runs through lightness and darkness, the known and unknown, following the letter of the Spirit and clinging to the solid Rock for everything pertaining to life. Faith doesn't fear making mistakes, but trusts the One who justifies the ungodly and who calls us to follow Him on the narrow, difficult way that leads to life.

Sometimes this looks doubtful to parents, who I believe truly love their children and want the absolute best for them. Sometimes parents disapprove of the choices and decisions their children make. Sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes there might be rebellion in their hearts that God will address. Who is the "they"? Mistakes are a human thing. Rebellion is a human thing. Adult children are not automatic culprits. Nor are parents exempt. This doesn't make light of sin, but rather places it properly. Truth is, a heart can be rebellious even when outward actions completely conform to what others want, and I fully believe the opposite is also true: that a heart can be humble and obedient to God when outward actions might appear to others to be wayward.

Revisiting Honor vs. Obedience

Because I write to adult women, issues of child obedience as it relates to parental authority do not pertain to the scope of this blog. Yet I hear from many who equate obedience with parental honor. I wholeheartedly support, believe in, agree with, encourage, and love the Scriptural command to honor parents. In my humble understanding, honor and obedience are not one and the same. In my article Daughters in Waiting ~ Adult Daughters at Home I give examples of ways parents are honored when it manifests outside the context of obedience. 

In a recent comment, I wrote "If our parents are Christians then they are our brothers and sisters in Christ...yes, we should honor, respect, and care for them, but ultimately, [spiritually speaking] they are equal with us before God. Consider if as adults, your own brother or sister asked you to do something. If you did what they asked, would that be you “obeying”? Or simply you doing a favor? Or what if your adult brother or sister commanded you to do something? What if it were a friend of yours? You can give thought and prayer to their demand, seek God’s direction and Scripture, maybe even seek the counsel of others, and decide if it is a healthy or righteous step for you to take. But that still doesn’t mean you’re “obeying” them if you do it or “disobeying” if you’re not. The fact that you even consider their command, suggestion, or request gives them honor."

Although not discussed as often as the others, one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. We do hear about it in the negative sense ~ controlling sinful habits or the lusts of the flesh. We don't often hear about it in the positive sense ~ which could be exactly what it says! Self-control. As a woman seeks the influence of the Holy Spirit and discerns the will of God, as she learns to walk in the Spirit, self-control is one of the fruits manifested in her life. Yet when others consistently thwart His transforming work in the lives of those who, really, are His children ~ that is a misuse of authority (which is the abuse of authority). When parents try to make adult offspring "obey" them, even through subtle coercion or cognitive dissonance (bounded choice) they are making themselves as God in their child's life when in reality, they need to be stepping out of His way and coming underneath with prayer and faith that God is in control and loves that child.

Being self-controlled certainly doesn't mean that a wise person won't seek the guidance of those close to them. But they will take everything they receive before God for His direction, weighing it according to Scripture with prayerful consideration. Note that the Bible doesn't say when we do the will of others, we are part of the Lord's body, but when we do God's will, we are, as Jesus proclaims, His brothers, sisters, and mother. He embraces us not only among His disciples, but also His family. Seek and obey Him!

An Unnecessary Jesus?

he day I began to write about domestic spiritual abuse and the abusive aspect of modern patriarchy, especially within the Christian homeschooling movement, initiated a response I've heard repeatedly since: "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." It hasn't always been clear whether people mean to say "Don't throw Jesus away just because some Christians misrepresent the gospel" or "Don't throw away patriarchy because of patriocentrists" or "Just because there might be some bad, there's good too" or "Don't have a knee-jerk reaction to something that has a lot of good, just because some people may do it wrong." I would like to humbly state that my entire goal is to actually get to that baby ~ at least, the One born of the virgin Mary who became for us the water of life. Not that He needs rescuing, but because He's being pushed away until we're left with a murky sludge, poisonous, thick, and served with God's name in a 'biblical' chalice.

The water of death.   

I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ, to a different gospel, which is not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed. (Gal. 1:6-8)

Patriocentricity is spiritual abuse. It is a false gospel. It preaches a different Jesus and renders the Way, Truth, and Life, who is our only Priest and Sacrifice and Mediator, unnecessary. In his latest article, my friend Lewis  reminds us that the veil in the temple was ripped by God at the crucifixion of Jesus, and then writes of patriocentricity:

...Sewing up the veil, stitch after stitch, until soon, their wives and children are once again separated from a loving, caring, forgiving, and readily accessible (through Christ) God. Men defying scripture to become "high priest of the home". Unfortunately for this methodology, the Spirit of God doesn't reside in a temple made by man (Acts 17:24) and doesn't dwell in the "home". This negates the need for any "high priest of the home", as the high priest, literally defined, is one who deals with God on behalf of the people. WE are the temple. I repeat...WE are the temple. WE, through the completed work of Christ, house the Spirit of God within us. There is ONE who deals with God on our behalf: Jesus Christ (1st Timothy 2:5). All of the scripture speaks against the notion of "the high priest of the home". It's a dangerous, destructive, and spiritually abusive idea. No more need for a high priest. We have a perfect and eternal High Priest who doesn't need our help. His work is complete.

Lewis calls this, rightly, "Patriarchal Apostasy."

If you take Jesus out of the equation, their authoritarian culture doesn't change. If you take the authoritarian culture out of the equation, they have no Jesus. It IS their Jesus.

Dear friends, this is serious! In the true Jesus and His gospel there is simplicity.

For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into apostles of Christ. And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. (2 Cor. 11:13-15)

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh? (Gal. 3:1-4)

Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech—unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the end of what was passing away. But their minds were blinded. For until this day the same veil remains unlifted in the reading of the Old Testament, because the veil is taken away in Christ. But even to this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies on their heart. Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. (2 Cor. 3:12-16)

God Himself ripped the veil. The Most High does not dwell in temples made with hands. He has poured out His Spirit on all who believe ~

And it shall come to pass in the last days, says God,

That I will pour out of My Spirit on all flesh;

Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,

Your young men shall see visions,

Your old men shall dream dreams.

And on My menservants and on My maidservants

I will pour out My Spirit in those days;

And they shall prophesy. (Acts 2:16-18,emphasis added)

Prophets are, in part, servants of God indwelt by the Holy Spirit, speaking truth. But, "Do not quench the Spirit," Paul warns. "Do not despise prophecies. Test all things, hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil." Those who work to repair the veil and who quench the Spirit in the lives of those seeking to follow the true Christ serve the worst kind of evil...it is evil bathed in light.

This isn't about throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

It's about spiritual warfare. 

My Upcoming Podcast with Karen Campbell of "That Mom"

This Friday, That Mom Karen Campbell will host Part One of our podcast interview with an opportunity to win a copy of my book, Quivering Daughters ~ Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy. If you haven't listened to her current Patriarchy & Patriocentricity 2 series, or the original series from 2007, please consider setting aside time to listen to these podcasts. If you have any questions about patriocentricity, you will be glad you did. (Click here for the first podcast series ~ highly recommended.)

Family Dynamics

"...no two children, even within the same family, have identically the same parents. 
That is because the personality and gender of each child 
brings out different things in the same parents." 

~ recently quoted by Shari Howerton, author of Breaking the Chains

I think about this concept often. It's especially interesting when looking at the dynamics of a Quiverfull family, where the number of children are often greater than most. Why do some experience shame and grief, while others within the same household have nothing but uplifting memories, and no apparent aftereffects? Does birth order play a role? Why do some struggle with depression, while others within the same household seem absolutely fine? What is your experience?

When the Hands are Loving, Where Does the Pain Come From?

arolyn doesn't know why she's crying. "It doesn't make sense," she says. "I don't go hungry. I have everything I need. We are a close family. I've never been hit. I know I'm a sinner and have asked God over and over to show me what I've done wrong and what I need to change, but nothing gets better ~ in fact, it gets worse! From the outside, everything looks great. But inside I'm going crazy. I can't take this much longer."

Adult daughters like Carolyn write me often, agonizing over the cognitive dissonance of external versus internal. Of appearance versus heart, which is a theme revealed early in the pages of Scripture:  So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before Him!” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Sam.16:6-8)

This passage describes looking at the flesh and drawing spiritual conclusions. I believe we can find a parallel between the context of these verses and patriocentric homes where almost always, everything looks "right". Children are buried in schoolbooks or romping cheerfully around the yard. Sons are chopping firewood or plowing fields. Daughters are baking bread or sewing. We might be inclined to exclaim a similar injunction to Samuel's: "Surely the Lord's anointed is before Him!" But as we see, there is danger in looking at the flesh (outward appearance, actions, and other external features) and assuming that because it looks godly and biblical, that it is ordered by the Lord. Or because there is no overt abuse, that everyone is okay on the inside. Where the heart is. And while Jesus cares about our entire being, body included, His healing isn't limited to flesh. He cares about things unseen. And we should, too.

The Problem with Appearance

It's a horrifying truth that physical abuse and sexual abuse exist, even within families who make an effort to live holy lives apart from the influence of a wicked culture. Many have told me, in the agony of alone-ness, that no one within their own, like-minded community ever knew what really happened inside their homes. But overt abuse is not the only kind, the worst kind, or even the most common within families who heartily endorse the doctrines of Biblical Patriarchy. There is other abuse that alters not one's appearance, necessarily (although it may over time), but the heart. And when abuse affects someone's relationship with God, understanding of Scripture, and leads to serious emotional and spiritual pain, it means that something terrible is happening!

Have you ever felt a raindrop land on your face? Or walked by a pool, only to be lightly splashed by children? These little droplets are relatively inconsequential. Although historical accounts of this practice are debatable, the use of water is described in the following method of torture: "A prisoner was tied to a table or the floor, and his head was strapped in place so that he couldn't move anything. Water was then dripped onto his forehead, one drop at a time. It drove the person insane, and after a period the victim would reveal the secret, confess to the crime, or agree to do anything his or his captors requested to get them to stop the torture. This was particularly favored in circumstances where torture was necessary, but no evidence of physical damage could show."  Source While obviously an extreme example, this situation illustrates how seemingly innocuous things can, in fact, over time have a grave psychological and behavioral effect while bodily signs never appear. How many adult children of patriarchy are emotionally and spiritually constrained? How many live with constant dripping on the face, held firmly by straps man-labeled, "God's way"? "Biblical womanhood"? "How to honor your parents"?

Consider the conflict in an adult daughter's heart when she looks at hands that have fed her, bathed her, stroked her hair, tied her shoes, bandaged her knees, and folded in prayer for her. She knows these are kind gestures. Christ-like, even. How to reconcile them, then, with messages ~ verbal or implied ~ like these?

• If you move out of your parents' home for any reason other than marriage, it will be like committing parental adultery.
• Having a job in the world is against God's plan for women.
• Your depression is demonic. 
• Godly womanhood means that you will not be given any calling other than motherhood, or that other callings are less important.
• Biblical womanhood means that your father will have a vision for your life and that you were created for the purpose of being a wife and mother. This is what the Bible teaches, and there are no exceptions to His will.
• God won't reveal His will to you. Your father will hear God's voice for you, and tell you what His will is for your life.
• Because Eve was deceived, you cannot discern for yourself what is from God, or what is from the world. You are listening to your flesh.
• The Bible says to honor your parents. Therefore you need to do what I tell you. Otherwise you are foolish and disobedient.
• If you choose a college education, you are going against God's plan.
• If you believe God is calling you to the ministry or anywhere outside of your home, you are wrong and obviously don't know the voice or will of God. God doesn't call women to leave their home.

Many beautiful, seemingly idyllic families use these messages and more to influence the lives of their adult daughters. While some might appear to have basis in Scripture, a closer look and a testing of fruit offers a devastating reminder that appearances can be deceiving. It feels like torture to consider that perhaps these messages are acquired apart from the Spirit of the Lord. It feels like betrayal to suggest that maybe these teachings are abusive even when they are delivered with gentle hands and a soft tongue.

This kind of dissonance creates confusion. While teaching is intended to support and defend God's plan for living, a thoroughly patriocentric core emerges in the daily praxis of home and family. Perhaps a better way to understand patriocentricity is found in James 3: self-seeking. Where there is self-seeking, we learn from James, there is confusion and every evil thing. Jesus reminds us that those who desire to enter the Kingdom must become as little children, and yet daughters of patriarchy discover all too often that entrance to the Kingdom itself is barred by those who hear God on their behalf.

Luke 11:52

“Woe to you lawyers! For you have taken away the key of knowledge. You did not enter in yourselves, and those who were entering in you hindered.”

This can be done gently.

This can be done sweetly, with biblical, loving, concerned words.

This is abuse.

Image Source

Season of Rest

You may notice a little bit of quietness on the blog for the next few weeks, at least with new posts. I welcome email and comments and may comment from time to time, but following the release of my book I am taking a much-needed rest. I still plan to keep up with facebook and twitter and look forward to hearing your thoughts ~ about the book, this blog, life, and God.

During this time I will continue to pray that God uses these words to bless my readers and bring comfort and encouragement ~ as well as continuing to seek Him for my next steps and the direction He wants for me. If there is material you'd like to see addressed in the future on the Quivering Daughters blog, or if you have questions, please write: hillary (at) quiveringdaughters (dot) com. I don't know how long I will be, but please check back soon and I am excited to see what lies ahead! You may see me around from time to time; I am so blessed by the relationships and friendships I've made through this little corner of the web. Feel free to join us! 

Emmanuel.

For My International Readers...

ery happy to announce that Quivering Daughters is now available at The Book Depository which ships worldwide!

Friendly Friday

es, I realize it's late today. :-) This week has been very busy for me and I'm thrilled that many of my readers have already received their books!  For those of you waiting for emails, I'm hoping to get caught up very soon; thanks for your patience with me. 

     For today's Friendly Friday, I'd like to share those who have supported this book with much anticipation and excitement! In order of appearance: 

• Meg Moseley, whose novel about a woman’s battle to break free from a cultic group releases next year, wrote a touching announcement entitled "Freedom for Quivering Daughters". Meg's beautiful endorsement of this work is a treasure.
• Cindy Kunsman's "First Entry in My Quivering Daughter's Diary" made me cry, too. I am so pleased that she wrote the Afterword to my book, and her reflections after reading the finished work are especially tender for me.
• Karen Campbell has posted "Quivering Daughters Hot Off the Press" and will be holding a giveaway in a few weeks during her upcoming Patriarchy Two podcast series. Karen is one of the very first people I interacted with online who showed interest in this book, and I am so honored that she also has written a lovely recommendation.

The past few days have been very surreal for me. I hope to write about some of this soon, but for now I'd like to say only: thank you for all of the encouragement, the prayers, the emails and messages, and the support I've received over the last year and a half of research, writing, and exploring the issues of authoritarianism, patriocentricity, and spiritual and emotional abuse. It means more to me than I can even express. With tears and humility I continue to fall before our Abba, Father, and daily ask Him to bless these words and those who read them; that His Spirit is present even within these pages and will, through them, bring comfort and hope to His precious daughters. 

In His Service,

Hillary

Now Available - In My Living Room!!!

Now Available! Quivering Daughters

 

I am thrilled to announce that  

Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy 

is now available online at  

Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com! 

The listings aren't complete and will be updated over the next several days, so please click the links to arrive directly. Thank you so much for your support, prayers, and encouragement over the past year and more; I pray that this book will be a blessing in your life! 

*Note*

If you do not care to purchase online, the book can be ordered in-store at Barnes and Noble.

• ISBN-10: 0984468609
• ISBN-13: 9780984468607