Feminism or Faith?

While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside, seeking to speak with Him. Then one said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.” But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:46-50)

an you imagine how Mary might have felt to hear this? I can't answer for everyone who reads this website, but virtually every woman I hear from who has found this blog testifies that she is seeking to obey the will of God as it relates to her life. Because we are blessed to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, within that personal relationship, God will communicate, guide, and direct personally. I realize this might seem elementary, but many well-meaning people continue to teach that when a woman listens to or seeks God herself, or when she is given a calling by Him for her life, that she is being influenced by feminism's alleged focus on independence instead of listening to her parents' interpretation of God's will for her.

However, I contest that instead of promoting independence, when we encourage all others, women included, to seek the voice and will of God, we promote something far greater...God-dependence. This certainly isn't an objective of feminism! And it requires faith. It might seem simpler to rely on those who lay out specific guidelines of belief and behavior, or tell us what we should or shouldn't do, because then we have our lives in black and white. We know exactly what we are to do and what's expected of us. Having someone "hear God for us" makes our spiritual walk easy and broad! When our path is wide, we don't have to worry about falling off the edge. We can see our steps clearly, and see far into the distance. We can place our trust in those who have a vision for our lives. We don't have to weigh the consequences or endure the pain of living. It's not as scary this way, and perhaps we make fewer mistakes. We don't have to search the Scriptures quite so doggedly to determine God's will ~ because those who have set themselves in this position in our lives have already done so. Yet Scripture says:

      Who among you fears the LORD?
      Who obeys the voice of His Servant?
      Who walks in darkness
      And has no light?
      Let him trust in the name of the LORD
      And rely upon his God.
       Look, all you who kindle a fire,
      Who encircle yourselves with sparks:
      Walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks you have kindled—
      This you shall have from My hand:
      You shall lie down in torment. (Isaiah 50:10-11)

Faith runs through lightness and darkness, the known and unknown, following the letter of the Spirit and clinging to the solid Rock for everything pertaining to life. Faith doesn't fear making mistakes, but trusts the One who justifies the ungodly and who calls us to follow Him on the narrow, difficult way that leads to life.

Sometimes this looks doubtful to parents, who I believe truly love their children and want the absolute best for them. Sometimes parents disapprove of the choices and decisions their children make. Sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes there might be rebellion in their hearts that God will address. Who is the "they"? Mistakes are a human thing. Rebellion is a human thing. Adult children are not automatic culprits. Nor are parents exempt. This doesn't make light of sin, but rather places it properly. Truth is, a heart can be rebellious even when outward actions completely conform to what others want, and I fully believe the opposite is also true: that a heart can be humble and obedient to God when outward actions might appear to others to be wayward.

Revisiting Honor vs. Obedience

Because I write to adult women, issues of child obedience as it relates to parental authority do not pertain to the scope of this blog. Yet I hear from many who equate obedience with parental honor. I wholeheartedly support, believe in, agree with, encourage, and love the Scriptural command to honor parents. In my humble understanding, honor and obedience are not one and the same. In my article Daughters in Waiting ~ Adult Daughters at Home I give examples of ways parents are honored when it manifests outside the context of obedience. 

In a recent comment, I wrote "If our parents are Christians then they are our brothers and sisters in Christ...yes, we should honor, respect, and care for them, but ultimately, [spiritually speaking] they are equal with us before God. Consider if as adults, your own brother or sister asked you to do something. If you did what they asked, would that be you “obeying”? Or simply you doing a favor? Or what if your adult brother or sister commanded you to do something? What if it were a friend of yours? You can give thought and prayer to their demand, seek God’s direction and Scripture, maybe even seek the counsel of others, and decide if it is a healthy or righteous step for you to take. But that still doesn’t mean you’re “obeying” them if you do it or “disobeying” if you’re not. The fact that you even consider their command, suggestion, or request gives them honor."

Although not discussed as often as the others, one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. We do hear about it in the negative sense ~ controlling sinful habits or the lusts of the flesh. We don't often hear about it in the positive sense ~ which could be exactly what it says! Self-control. As a woman seeks the influence of the Holy Spirit and discerns the will of God, as she learns to walk in the Spirit, self-control is one of the fruits manifested in her life. Yet when others consistently thwart His transforming work in the lives of those who, really, are His children ~ that is a misuse of authority (which is the abuse of authority). When parents try to make adult offspring "obey" them, even through subtle coercion or cognitive dissonance (bounded choice) they are making themselves as God in their child's life when in reality, they need to be stepping out of His way and coming underneath with prayer and faith that God is in control and loves that child.

Being self-controlled certainly doesn't mean that a wise person won't seek the guidance of those close to them. But they will take everything they receive before God for His direction, weighing it according to Scripture with prayerful consideration. Note that the Bible doesn't say when we do the will of others, we are part of the Lord's body, but when we do God's will, we are, as Jesus proclaims, His brothers, sisters, and mother. He embraces us not only among His disciples, but also His family. Seek and obey Him!

An Unnecessary Jesus?

he day I began to write about domestic spiritual abuse and the abusive aspect of modern patriarchy, especially within the Christian homeschooling movement, initiated a response I've heard repeatedly since: "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." It hasn't always been clear whether people mean to say "Don't throw Jesus away just because some Christians misrepresent the gospel" or "Don't throw away patriarchy because of patriocentrists" or "Just because there might be some bad, there's good too" or "Don't have a knee-jerk reaction to something that has a lot of good, just because some people may do it wrong." I would like to humbly state that my entire goal is to actually get to that baby ~ at least, the One born of the virgin Mary who became for us the water of life. Not that He needs rescuing, but because He's being pushed away until we're left with a murky sludge, poisonous, thick, and served with God's name in a 'biblical' chalice.

The water of death.   

I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ, to a different gospel, which is not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed. (Gal. 1:6-8)

Patriocentricity is spiritual abuse. It is a false gospel. It preaches a different Jesus and renders the Way, Truth, and Life, who is our only Priest and Sacrifice and Mediator, unnecessary. In his latest article, my friend Lewis  reminds us that the veil in the temple was ripped by God at the crucifixion of Jesus, and then writes of patriocentricity:

...Sewing up the veil, stitch after stitch, until soon, their wives and children are once again separated from a loving, caring, forgiving, and readily accessible (through Christ) God. Men defying scripture to become "high priest of the home". Unfortunately for this methodology, the Spirit of God doesn't reside in a temple made by man (Acts 17:24) and doesn't dwell in the "home". This negates the need for any "high priest of the home", as the high priest, literally defined, is one who deals with God on behalf of the people. WE are the temple. I repeat...WE are the temple. WE, through the completed work of Christ, house the Spirit of God within us. There is ONE who deals with God on our behalf: Jesus Christ (1st Timothy 2:5). All of the scripture speaks against the notion of "the high priest of the home". It's a dangerous, destructive, and spiritually abusive idea. No more need for a high priest. We have a perfect and eternal High Priest who doesn't need our help. His work is complete.

Lewis calls this, rightly, "Patriarchal Apostasy."

If you take Jesus out of the equation, their authoritarian culture doesn't change. If you take the authoritarian culture out of the equation, they have no Jesus. It IS their Jesus.

Dear friends, this is serious! In the true Jesus and His gospel there is simplicity.

For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into apostles of Christ. And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. (2 Cor. 11:13-15)

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh? (Gal. 3:1-4)

Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech—unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the end of what was passing away. But their minds were blinded. For until this day the same veil remains unlifted in the reading of the Old Testament, because the veil is taken away in Christ. But even to this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies on their heart. Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. (2 Cor. 3:12-16)

God Himself ripped the veil. The Most High does not dwell in temples made with hands. He has poured out His Spirit on all who believe ~

And it shall come to pass in the last days, says God,

That I will pour out of My Spirit on all flesh;

Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,

Your young men shall see visions,

Your old men shall dream dreams.

And on My menservants and on My maidservants

I will pour out My Spirit in those days;

And they shall prophesy. (Acts 2:16-18,emphasis added)

Prophets are, in part, servants of God indwelt by the Holy Spirit, speaking truth. But, "Do not quench the Spirit," Paul warns. "Do not despise prophecies. Test all things, hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil." Those who work to repair the veil and who quench the Spirit in the lives of those seeking to follow the true Christ serve the worst kind of evil...it is evil bathed in light.

This isn't about throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

It's about spiritual warfare. 

My Upcoming Podcast with Karen Campbell of "That Mom"

This Friday, That Mom Karen Campbell will host Part One of our podcast interview with an opportunity to win a copy of my book, Quivering Daughters ~ Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy. If you haven't listened to her current Patriarchy & Patriocentricity 2 series, or the original series from 2007, please consider setting aside time to listen to these podcasts. If you have any questions about patriocentricity, you will be glad you did. (Click here for the first podcast series ~ highly recommended.)

Family Dynamics

"...no two children, even within the same family, have identically the same parents. 
That is because the personality and gender of each child 
brings out different things in the same parents." 

~ recently quoted by Shari Howerton, author of Breaking the Chains

I think about this concept often. It's especially interesting when looking at the dynamics of a Quiverfull family, where the number of children are often greater than most. Why do some experience shame and grief, while others within the same household have nothing but uplifting memories, and no apparent aftereffects? Does birth order play a role? Why do some struggle with depression, while others within the same household seem absolutely fine? What is your experience?

When the Hands are Loving, Where Does the Pain Come From?

arolyn doesn't know why she's crying. "It doesn't make sense," she says. "I don't go hungry. I have everything I need. We are a close family. I've never been hit. I know I'm a sinner and have asked God over and over to show me what I've done wrong and what I need to change, but nothing gets better ~ in fact, it gets worse! From the outside, everything looks great. But inside I'm going crazy. I can't take this much longer."

Adult daughters like Carolyn write me often, agonizing over the cognitive dissonance of external versus internal. Of appearance versus heart, which is a theme revealed early in the pages of Scripture:  So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before Him!” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Sam.16:6-8)

This passage describes looking at the flesh and drawing spiritual conclusions. I believe we can find a parallel between the context of these verses and patriocentric homes where almost always, everything looks "right". Children are buried in schoolbooks or romping cheerfully around the yard. Sons are chopping firewood or plowing fields. Daughters are baking bread or sewing. We might be inclined to exclaim a similar injunction to Samuel's: "Surely the Lord's anointed is before Him!" But as we see, there is danger in looking at the flesh (outward appearance, actions, and other external features) and assuming that because it looks godly and biblical, that it is ordered by the Lord. Or because there is no overt abuse, that everyone is okay on the inside. Where the heart is. And while Jesus cares about our entire being, body included, His healing isn't limited to flesh. He cares about things unseen. And we should, too.

The Problem with Appearance

It's a horrifying truth that physical abuse and sexual abuse exist, even within families who make an effort to live holy lives apart from the influence of a wicked culture. Many have told me, in the agony of alone-ness, that no one within their own, like-minded community ever knew what really happened inside their homes. But overt abuse is not the only kind, the worst kind, or even the most common within families who heartily endorse the doctrines of Biblical Patriarchy. There is other abuse that alters not one's appearance, necessarily (although it may over time), but the heart. And when abuse affects someone's relationship with God, understanding of Scripture, and leads to serious emotional and spiritual pain, it means that something terrible is happening!

Have you ever felt a raindrop land on your face? Or walked by a pool, only to be lightly splashed by children? These little droplets are relatively inconsequential. Although historical accounts of this practice are debatable, the use of water is described in the following method of torture: "A prisoner was tied to a table or the floor, and his head was strapped in place so that he couldn't move anything. Water was then dripped onto his forehead, one drop at a time. It drove the person insane, and after a period the victim would reveal the secret, confess to the crime, or agree to do anything his or his captors requested to get them to stop the torture. This was particularly favored in circumstances where torture was necessary, but no evidence of physical damage could show."  Source While obviously an extreme example, this situation illustrates how seemingly innocuous things can, in fact, over time have a grave psychological and behavioral effect while bodily signs never appear. How many adult children of patriarchy are emotionally and spiritually constrained? How many live with constant dripping on the face, held firmly by straps man-labeled, "God's way"? "Biblical womanhood"? "How to honor your parents"?

Consider the conflict in an adult daughter's heart when she looks at hands that have fed her, bathed her, stroked her hair, tied her shoes, bandaged her knees, and folded in prayer for her. She knows these are kind gestures. Christ-like, even. How to reconcile them, then, with messages ~ verbal or implied ~ like these?

• If you move out of your parents' home for any reason other than marriage, it will be like committing parental adultery.
• Having a job in the world is against God's plan for women.
• Your depression is demonic. 
• Godly womanhood means that you will not be given any calling other than motherhood, or that other callings are less important.
• Biblical womanhood means that your father will have a vision for your life and that you were created for the purpose of being a wife and mother. This is what the Bible teaches, and there are no exceptions to His will.
• God won't reveal His will to you. Your father will hear God's voice for you, and tell you what His will is for your life.
• Because Eve was deceived, you cannot discern for yourself what is from God, or what is from the world. You are listening to your flesh.
• The Bible says to honor your parents. Therefore you need to do what I tell you. Otherwise you are foolish and disobedient.
• If you choose a college education, you are going against God's plan.
• If you believe God is calling you to the ministry or anywhere outside of your home, you are wrong and obviously don't know the voice or will of God. God doesn't call women to leave their home.

Many beautiful, seemingly idyllic families use these messages and more to influence the lives of their adult daughters. While some might appear to have basis in Scripture, a closer look and a testing of fruit offers a devastating reminder that appearances can be deceiving. It feels like torture to consider that perhaps these messages are acquired apart from the Spirit of the Lord. It feels like betrayal to suggest that maybe these teachings are abusive even when they are delivered with gentle hands and a soft tongue.

This kind of dissonance creates confusion. While teaching is intended to support and defend God's plan for living, a thoroughly patriocentric core emerges in the daily praxis of home and family. Perhaps a better way to understand patriocentricity is found in James 3: self-seeking. Where there is self-seeking, we learn from James, there is confusion and every evil thing. Jesus reminds us that those who desire to enter the Kingdom must become as little children, and yet daughters of patriarchy discover all too often that entrance to the Kingdom itself is barred by those who hear God on their behalf.

Luke 11:52

“Woe to you lawyers! For you have taken away the key of knowledge. You did not enter in yourselves, and those who were entering in you hindered.”

This can be done gently.

This can be done sweetly, with biblical, loving, concerned words.

This is abuse.

Image Source

Season of Rest

You may notice a little bit of quietness on the blog for the next few weeks, at least with new posts. I welcome email and comments and may comment from time to time, but following the release of my book I am taking a much-needed rest. I still plan to keep up with facebook and twitter and look forward to hearing your thoughts ~ about the book, this blog, life, and God.

During this time I will continue to pray that God uses these words to bless my readers and bring comfort and encouragement ~ as well as continuing to seek Him for my next steps and the direction He wants for me. If there is material you'd like to see addressed in the future on the Quivering Daughters blog, or if you have questions, please write: hillary (at) quiveringdaughters (dot) com. I don't know how long I will be, but please check back soon and I am excited to see what lies ahead! You may see me around from time to time; I am so blessed by the relationships and friendships I've made through this little corner of the web. Feel free to join us! 

Emmanuel.

For My International Readers...

ery happy to announce that Quivering Daughters is now available at The Book Depository which ships worldwide!

Friendly Friday

es, I realize it's late today. :-) This week has been very busy for me and I'm thrilled that many of my readers have already received their books!  For those of you waiting for emails, I'm hoping to get caught up very soon; thanks for your patience with me. 

     For today's Friendly Friday, I'd like to share those who have supported this book with much anticipation and excitement! In order of appearance: 

• Meg Moseley, whose novel about a woman’s battle to break free from a cultic group releases next year, wrote a touching announcement entitled "Freedom for Quivering Daughters". Meg's beautiful endorsement of this work is a treasure.
• Cindy Kunsman's "First Entry in My Quivering Daughter's Diary" made me cry, too. I am so pleased that she wrote the Afterword to my book, and her reflections after reading the finished work are especially tender for me.
• Karen Campbell has posted "Quivering Daughters Hot Off the Press" and will be holding a giveaway in a few weeks during her upcoming Patriarchy Two podcast series. Karen is one of the very first people I interacted with online who showed interest in this book, and I am so honored that she also has written a lovely recommendation.

The past few days have been very surreal for me. I hope to write about some of this soon, but for now I'd like to say only: thank you for all of the encouragement, the prayers, the emails and messages, and the support I've received over the last year and a half of research, writing, and exploring the issues of authoritarianism, patriocentricity, and spiritual and emotional abuse. It means more to me than I can even express. With tears and humility I continue to fall before our Abba, Father, and daily ask Him to bless these words and those who read them; that His Spirit is present even within these pages and will, through them, bring comfort and hope to His precious daughters. 

In His Service,

Hillary

Now Available - In My Living Room!!!

Now Available! Quivering Daughters

 

I am thrilled to announce that  

Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy 

is now available online at  

Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com! 

The listings aren't complete and will be updated over the next several days, so please click the links to arrive directly. Thank you so much for your support, prayers, and encouragement over the past year and more; I pray that this book will be a blessing in your life! 

*Note*

If you do not care to purchase online, the book can be ordered in-store at Barnes and Noble.

• ISBN-10: 0984468609
• ISBN-13: 9780984468607

Evolving in Monkey Town | A Review

have a question. Is it possible, sometimes, that we as Christians might make an idol out of always having answers?

 

Zondervan recently sent me a review copy of Rachel Held Evans' new book, Evolving in Monkey Town, where the tagline reads, How a girl who knew all the answers learned to ask the questions. Yet "knowing the answers" is a mark of Christian discipleship and maturity...right?

This spiritual memoir from a recovering fundamentalist opens with a frank admission of bias. "I'm judgmental of people I think are judgmental," writes Evans. "I've been hurt by Christians." Then she adds, "As a Christian, I've been hurtful."

This honest reflection sets the tone for the rest of her book, which I found refreshing, unnerving ~ and, in the spirit of honesty, even a little uncomfortable at times. But that's okay. God is bigger than our questions ~ both unasked and unanswered ~ and thankfully, He is even bigger than our answered ones. This is comforting because sometimes the answers hurt.

Using the highly controversial (at least to most evangelical Christians) theory of evolution, Evans draws parallels to her own journey of faith. "Spiritual evolution explains why Christianity has thrived while other ancient religions have perished," she says, later adding, "I'm an evolutionist because I believe that the best way to reclaim the gospel in times of change is not to cling more tightly to our convictions but to hold them with an open hand."

Rachel Held Evans

Always ready, this pastor's daughter ~ with a positively ingenious childhood plan to witness to her Mormon neighbors ~ grew up with answers that outnumbered questions she didn't even know to ask. She writes, "So ready with the answers, we didn't know what the questions were anymore. So prepared to defend the faith, we missed the thrill of discovering it for ourselves. So convinced we had God right, it never occurred to us that we might be wrong. In short, we never learned to doubt."

In fact, we're afraid of doubt. We pray against it. We writhe thinking of Doubting Thomas and say we would never be him, pressing away insecurities, clamping a hand over our mouths and hanging on to the answers that make us feel safe. Somehow we've equated 'not having an answer' with being a poor witness or lacking in faith. 

We fear not having faith. And sometimes this makes us stop asking hard questions.

Evans, a self-proclaimed skeptic, muses, "On the one hand, I love what Jesus said about forgiveness and enemy love. On the other, I am horrified at the acts of genocide committed by Joshua in the Old Testament, acts seemingly condoned, even ordered by God...it baffles me that the same God who cast the lepers out of Israel sent His Son to minister among them. The same God who ordered the death of every man, woman, and child in Canaan welcomed little children into His arms."

Doubt is a difficult animal to master because it requires that we learn the difference between doubting God and doubting what we believe about God.—Rachel Held Evans, Evolving in Monkey Town.

Although this book will be a gutsy, thought-provoking addition to the shelves of anyone interested in matters of faith, some of my readers will feel alarm over Rachel Held Evans admitting she doesn't know the answers to many questions regarding morality, current events, the Bible, and other religions. Furthermore, "I don't know how God will ultimately judge between good and evil," she says. "I don't know which church tradition best represents truth. I don't know the degree to which God is present in religious systems, or who goes to heaven and who goes to hell." Her lack of certainty indicates to many black-and-white thinkers a kind of watered-down faith, a suggestion of tolerance that invites compromise to the church.

But others will find relief.

Many have spent their entire lives being told what to believe and how to believe it, what the answers are and what questions are appropriate. Evans strips away evangelical extras and reveals the foundation: Jesus. The cornerstone, the Rock. I think I blushed on her behalf a few times, but it's good to challenge all we've held dear, testing them and holding fast the good. And her courage to say "I don't know" in response to difficult situations is a refreshing surprise, for living in a world that puts stock in having all the right answers takes the journey away from us and molds God into a neat, predictable image. Admitting "I don't know" puts mystery back into Him and hands Him ~ not answers ~ out to others.

Rachel may not know all the answers, but she knows the One Who does. Her life echoes my own prayer of faith to God:

I'm willing not to know, but to rest in knowing You.

And here, there is peace.

How is Your Father's Day?

ou won't want to miss Resolved2Worship's excellent post on parenting. I am currently reading and reviewing Rachel Held Evan's new book, Evolving in Monkey Town, and hope to post it sometime this week. If you've read it or want to read it, please stay tuned and join the discussion! In the archives here at the Quivering Daughters blog, Dear Anonymous continues to be a hot topic; I will reply as I can but if you like, please feel free to add your own thoughts to the comment thread.

I receive many interesting questions and feedback through (or because of, perhaps) this blog. I hope and pray that God gives me wisdom in how I write things so that I can convey truth and "what I really mean" because these subjects are serious and while there are always times that clarification is necessary, I endeavor to communicate in ways that limit when I have to say "What I meant was..." This includes current hot issues such as grace and forgiveness for past hurts and for those who we feel contributed to them, or the fact that most of our parents really do live how God has convicted them and this isn't about airing dirty laundry  ~ and many other things. I sometimes feel at a loss of how much more clear I can be...and I am open to suggestions! *smile*

Someone asked me recently, point blank, if I still loved my parents. As in currently, now, today. Honestly? I love them more than I ever have.

Perhaps this seems incongruous with writing about the hurtful effects of spiritual and emotional abuse in the family structure. Although there have been many repercussions (fruits) spiritually, emotionally, and in other ways that I've encountered and had to work my way through, hand in hand with the Lord, it is because of this that I can sit here today in obedience to His calling. Additionally, it is understood that not every family will practice the same things in the same manner. (For example, when I was growing up, Vision Forum didn't even exist ~ although I have many readers who now experience the teachings and beliefs that are promoted by them. And for another example, in their wisdom, my parents did not get into Gothard like many of our homeschooling friends did. And yet I have many readers who were part of ATI. And the fruits of those teachings ~ some of the effects on the daughters of patriarchy ~ are some of what I address in this blog. ) Does this mean that any of our families were all wrong? No, and I don't know how else to state that I'm not saying they are. I hope and pray that where I lack in my communication the Lord will help me. 

In the next few weeks I hope to post What My Family Did Right.
So how is your Father's Day? 

Friendly Friday

his week has gone by super fast with lots of excellent material in the blogosphere. Whether you are a newlywed, hope to be married one day, or are celebrating your 25th anniversary, you will love Darcy's hilarious, yet seriously helpful article, "10 Truths About the Man You Marry." If you are a homeschooler or plan to homeschool, Luke Holzmann wants to tell you why "Sonlight Won't Take a Stand" and invites discussion regarding his curriculum's choice to "educate, not indoctrinate." Lewis writes about "Word Games" ~ special, internal language familiar to those within fundamentalism and patriocentric households. For those who love photography, especially when adorable children are involved, visit Adeena's "Life by the Creek." If you or someone you know is caught up within domestic violence, "The Dorcas Network" by Jocelyn Anderson seeks to respond "compassionately, effectively, and Biblically to the sin and trauma of domestic violence."

___________
Fridays at Quivering Daughters are dedicated to my blogger friends...the ones who take the time to follow this blog or who pen words that inspire, challenge, or encourage me throughout the week. What have you found particularly intriguing or inspiring? Please feel free to leave a link in the comments so others can visit, too! God bless you.

Why I am Still a Christian

couple of similar comments were left recently that I wanted to address in a post:

"Without trying to be antagonistic, I am curious why so many have continued in the christian religion after their experiences with it. I was raised as a strong Protestant, and had spent years studying the Bible and Christian theology, but subsequent to my experiences with a man who controlled his daughter/family to the point of ruining a relationship, I realized that trying to pick and choose which parts of Christianity gave birth to it was impossible. So, I am interested why so many here are moving forward with that intent." (From Commandments of Men | New Blog)

and

"Not to join in the mutual misery society, but having likewise been through a failed relationship with a girl because of her father and her refusal to actually commit...similar to many of the details that "Lewis" has shared...I have one question: Why do any of you continue to be christian? Once I learned what the end result was, I washed my hands of it all; and I'm curious why so many of you who have been through similar situations continue in the very ideology that gave birth to the abuse." (From When You Love a Daughter of Patriarchy.)

I am so sorry for the pain that you've been through. I believe that God weeps with you at the injustice and sorrow that you've witnessed and experienced; even though I don't know the precise details within your situations He did speak strongly about those who cause His children to stumble. 

Speaking for myself, separating God from man (including man's actions, beliefs, lifestyles, etc.) and separating God from the man-made religion of Christianity was a vital part of healing and continuing in the Faith. Ultimately it required taking certain people and ideas off of a pedestal and allowing God to shatter all the false ideas I held onto, including lies about myself and a misunderstanding of His nature, and replace them with truth.

I can follow a God who hates authoritarianism, who prizes mercy over judgment, who values person over doctrine. For me, it's a matter of realizing that humans (including myself) are fallen creatures and that I can look to no one except God for truth and righteousness. This also helps me have grace and mercy, forgiveness, honor and love for those who continue these practices, knowing that as a human, I too make mistakes, cause pain, and am no better, more enlightened, or more worthy than anyone else. I can't blame God for the actions of man, even when those things might be done in His name. I am actually thankful, for in my own life it forced me to seek Him myself and work out my own salvation with fear and trembling.  The Lord called me, healed me, and set my feet upon the narrow path...it is my joy to serve Him however I can.

I'd love to hear from others, both Christian and those who have left the faith due to abuses of patriarchalism, authoritarianism, and fundamentalism. If you are a Christian, why, and how have you remained so or become so? And if you've left the faith, why, and what would it take to come back?

In other words, why have you kept the faith despite spiritual abuse?

Commandments of Men | New Blog

'd like to introduce a new blog by a young man with a unique perspective on the patriocentric, authoritarian family. He writes:

"In my dealings with a group of hyper-fundamentalists, I've seen how a father raised his children (particularly his daughters) in such a way as to create dependency on his "authority". For instance, if you want to control a daughter's choice of men through a process such as courtship, there's no better way to accomplish this than to raise her to be insecure, indecisive, afraid of her own shadow emotionally and convinced of the wickedness of her heart, and indoctrinating her to believe that any means other than courtship can't be blessed of God. Make her need you. Create the demand, then demand to meet the demand. And it's all based on the notion of "protection". If you fail to comply, life becomes very hard very fast. People can debate intent, but many of the men fervently carrying out their patriarchal practices won't stop short of killing the spirit of a son or daughter (daughters particularly) to maintain their control. My ex-fiancee's father was trying to "protect" her from people and things which pose a threat to him. Her well-being had little to do with it."

For more, please view Commandments of Men.

Monday at Quivering Daughters

Happy Monday! I am in the middle of updating my website and added a New FAQ & Disclaimer page, as well as posted the back cover of my book, Quivering Daughters. Lord willing, it will release June 30th. I will post more information soon. Thank you to all of you who have asked about it and show support! You humble me with your support and care. May God bless you all this week.

Friendly Friday

ollow Jesus! That is my mantra. To be honest, I wince a little using the oh-so-self-aggrandizing term supplied by Google ~ "followers." And yet, those of you in the blogworld who regularly keep up with my articles here, or who write things in your own spaces that inspire, challenge, and encourage me...I am so blessed by you! And I want to honor you and others whose words have made an impact on me throughout the week. So to keep things simple and to show those whom I follow, or those who follow or link to this blog my appreciation, Fridays at Quivering Daughters will be dedicated to these friends.

I am always inspired by Kelly Langner Sauer's blog, "A Restless Heart." She infuses words with longing and serenity while her lens captures moments I want to climb into and remain for a while. Every nook within her space is lovely, but visit her recent post featuring a poem for her husband, entitled "Love Does". 

Shadowspring reminds parents to "Show, Don't Tell" when it comes to communicating faith to their children, especially through education.

I've poured over the photography at  My Pinecraft World lately because not only is her work exquisite, but because, in many ways, it's so familiar. We did not grow up Mennonite, but we attended a Mennonite church for a short time when I was very young and used Rod and Staff curriculum for our schooling. The little girls could be my sisters, at least as I remember them from so long ago. *tear*

It's likely that I will feature Ann many times because she always speaks to my heart. As an artist and writer and perfectionist, I torment myself sometimes wondering if I've given my best, my all. If I've communicated what God wants me to say. If He would look at me and ever say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." That's actually been a silent plea of mine for all of my life. Thanks to my dear friend who sent me this link from A Holy Experience.

I always love to meet new friends and discover new spaces for thought and contemplation! Please add your own favorites in the comments so that I can check them out this week.

Why Patriarchy Can Look Attractive | Guest Post By a Mother of 12

e live in an age where there are "solutions" to nearly every problem. When one is not readily available, we continue to strive to find one, assuming that one can be found. We adults were born in a century that saw many deadly diseases eradicated, or at least cures found. We continue, and rightly so, searching for cures to diseases that are yet without solution. Even today, BP and the government are working day and night to solve a problem of vast proportions, assuming it can be solved. We, especially Americans, have the attitude that there is nothing "WE" cannot do. We pride ourselves on our ingenuity, education, and abilities, which are, no doubt great.

But what about sin? Do "we" have a solution to sin? We have 4 teenage sons, ages 14-19. In the last eight months, we have had to deal with sexual sin in some form or another in their lives, from falling into p*rn sites to having sex with girlfriend. We are disappointed, but not broken hearted, as we have learned the God's grace can and will draw them back into a right relationship. But, waiting for that is very difficult.

It is very tempting to look for a "formula' that will ensure that our children do not stray from God's way. Especially when "experts" trot out their lovely families (and they ARE lovely no doubt) purporting that they have found "the" way to raise children who will never stray.

This is a very attractive idea, especially when in the midst of disappointment with a child who has fallen into sin of some nature. Far too often we look to a leader who seems to have all the answers, rather than falling on our knees before the Lord, searching the scriptures for ourselves, and waiting upon the Father who loves our children even more greatly than we do.

Trust me, I would LOVE to have some formula that would protect my children from falling as low as they have. To have avoided the tears and the fears of the last few months would be very welcome. But life gets dirty and God allows what He allows in His sovereign nature. Right now, He is allowing my sons to see what is really in their hearts and to see their great need for Him.

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

I can say these things now, because with six adult children, I've gotten to the other side. Five are believers and live lives learning to follow God. One is still a prodigal, but God never seems to cease sending her wake up calls. He will never give up on our children as we lift them up to Him. Ultimately, they will decide if they will follow.

Only through experience do our children learn their need for a savior or THE Savior. We in no way can protect against that, nor can we train to avoid it. We can only give them Christ, guide them through life's difficulties, and in our prayers, lay them at the foot of the Cross for His sovereign work in their lives. Satan does go about as roaring lion and wishes to have our children. Never cease to be in prayer for them.

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This guest post was written by a conservative, homeschooling mother of 12 children.

Abusing Abuse? | Guest Post, Part 2

Continued from Part 1...

o...are we making a big deal out of nothing? Have we made ourselves into victims, casting blame on well-meaning parents and spiritual leaders, not "owning up" to our mistakes or claiming responsibility for our own problems and sins? After all, there is REAL abuse out there...just look at all the shelters for battered women. But as all counselors will tell you, abuse takes many forms. It is unfortunate that the Body of Christ seems to place more importance and validity on the kind of abuse that endangers the body while neglecting the kind that endangers the soul.

Just because spiritual and emotional abuse is subtle and often unseen except by the victims, doesn't mean that it is less important than physical abuse that can be seen. Who are you to look at someone who is hurting and tell them that their pain isn't as important as another's? To look at the girl who wonders if she has any value in God's eyes and tell her "Well, buck up, take responsibility for your life, and be thankful you weren't beaten"? How are bruises on the body worse than bruises on the soul?

I refuse to play the my-problems-are-worse-than-your-problems game. Pain is pain. It hurts, it debilitates, it affects every area of our lives. Anyone who lives with chronic physical pain can tell you this. And those who struggle with spiritual pain know all too well. May I even suggest that wounded spirits have far more profound impacts on people's lives than wounded bodies? Perhaps because a heart that is whole can live a beautiful life even in a body that is broken. But it doesn't really work the other way around.

Yes, healing is our choice. But we first have to recognize the wound in order to apply the correct balm. Ignoring it, or telling yourself to "just get over it" won't work. If I've grown up with the belief that I am only pleasing to God if I perform correctly, then I must see the lie in that message, and apply the correct truth. The lie: that any works of righteousness can make me acceptable to God. The Truth: "for by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God" and "when we were still without strength, Christ died for the ungodly" and "He has made you accepted in the Beloved".

This is not a "blame game". We do not believe in sitting around and blaming our parents, church, friends, whomever for our pain and the consequences thereof. But the fact is, there are things passed down to us from our parents that contributed, if not outright caused, certain wounds in our lives. This is true for everyone, regardless of religious beliefs. Acknowledging this, recognizing it, and discussing it is not the same thing as blaming others. I believe in family wounds and generational curses/pain. A woman who was told she was never good enough is going to pass that lie to her daughters and they to their daughters unless it is acknowledged and healed by the Healer. I can see some lies and strongholds in myself that were present in my grandfather. I am not blaming him, just recognizing where the lie started and looking at all the heartache it has caused in subsequent generations. I also know that it does not have to be this way. That lie and the wounds inflicted by it can stop with me. I do not have to pass it on to my children. I will not; I refuse. I'm sure my mother would have said the same had she but known to even look for it. Had she not been told "You're fine, get over it."

This is why we even bring this up. Not only so that we can live from a healed, whole heart, but for our children and our children's children. Broken people produce more broken people. It is an endless cycle of pain and brokenness and the Enemy of our souls loves it. Ignoring it will only perpetuate the pain. The Church today has very little understanding about matters of the heart and this has to stop. It is because of people saying "Buck up, stop blaming everyone else, get over it" that there is so much brokenness and dysfunction among Christians today. We've ignored our pain and the causes for too long and are now reaping the harvest of broken people, broken families. Christ's little ones are stumbling and falling and being told to "get over it" because their wounds aren't visible to the world. These things ought not to be.

Jesus said "Come unto Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest". But how can we get that rest unless we first admit we need it? How can we leave our burdens with Him unless we first admit we have a burden? Ignoring the burden or downplaying its effect on our lives will not make it go away. It will only cause us to live a half-hearted life and when we die, to pass that burden on to our children. Brothers and sisters, I beg you, do not perpetuate pain by ignoring, comparing, downplaying, and telling others to "get over it". And stop criticizing those who are recognizing wounds, denouncing lies, and inviting healing into their pain-wracked hearts. Be cautious lest you find yourselves fighting against the very God you serve. In the words of a very wise man, "And now I say to you, keep away from these men and let them alone; for if this plan or this work is of men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it ~ lest you even be found to fight against God." Acts 5:38,39

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Darcy is wife to a good man and mother to three beautiful children. Her passions include music, organic living, coffee, homeschooling, and Truth in the Person of Jesus Christ. Due to being raised in a spiritually abusive church, extreme fundamentalism, and other ills of the Dark Side of the homeschool culture, she is also passionate about freedom, finding healing in Jesus' grace, and leading others to the Healer of hearts and the Restorer of souls. She blogs at Darcy's Heart Stirrings.

Interview at Scita Scienda

lease be sure to visit Scita Scienda for my interview with C.L. Dyck.  And check back here on Thursday  for part 2 of "Abusing Abuse" by Darcy!