Emotional abuse—
consistent shaming, criticism, or neglect of wants, needs, desires, feelings, and emotions by a dominant partner, parent, spouse, or figure(s) of authority.
consistent shaming, criticism, or neglect of wants, needs, desires, feelings, and emotions by a dominant partner, parent, spouse, or figure(s) of authority.
Emotional abuse can be overt: verbal destruction aimed to intimidate, coerce, or subdue another person. It can be subtle: withholding love, attention, affection and approval to compel someone to change, perform, or behave as desired. It can be so covert that perhaps neither party is really cognizant of what's occurred until devastating truth is revealed through traumatic measures such as self-injury (also associated with sexual abuse), thoughts of or attempted suicide, and depression. They are bad fruits from bad roots.
Verbal Assault / Criticism
It's no secret that words are among the most powerful forms of influence. Through words God created the world. Through words we have God's will, nature, and heart as revealed through Scripture. Jesus Himself is the Word made flesh which dwelt among us (John 1). A word fitly spoken has the power to heal, nurture, encourage, teach, exhort, and to bring life. (John 6:63, 68)
Alternatively, words can steal, kill and destroy. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." And when words come from a heart that seeks its own, that exalts itself, that is not surrendered in humility before God, these can crush the spirit and bring death. "Can you believe what he said to me?" "I never forgot what she told me." "How can you say such a thing?" Some of our best and worst memories involve words. Not only the phrases themselves, but tone, facial expressions, and poignant silence all effectively communicate a message.
Labeling is one common way the daughters of patriarchy are verbally manipulated. To hear, "You are rebellious, defensive, not thinking, leading your brothers and sisters astray, or _____" coerces change while not encouraging life or growth. Who wants to be considered rebellious? Stupid? Evil? Yet just as effective, what is left unsaid also bears consequences of its own. "We heard a lot about what we should and shouldn't do," says Catherine, "but never 'good job', 'I'm proud of you', or really even 'I love you.'" As women who crave life-giving validation, support, and nurture from parents, husbands, even friends, when words are wielded as weapons we experience deep, often life-lasting scars.
Criticism and verbal shaming ~ "If you were more obedient, respectful, serious, righteous, mature, godly, humble, patient, kind, etc" or, "If you were less sensitive, emotional, artistic, imaginative, impulsive, etc" ~ are frequent, familiar emotionally abusive tactics. While we can agree that as Scripture states, "There is none righteous, no not one," the focus is different. The kindness of the Lord leads us to repentance. Pointing out flaws, sharing disappointment that your daughter or wife is not all she "could" or "should" be, and other shaming ignores the crucial issues (relationship and personhood) and creates a screen through which all thoughts, feelings, and actions are filtered. It literally becomes you. This screen effectively shuts out truth ~ truth which is: God values you, loves you and sent His Son to redeem you. He has made you worthy. Shameful messages communicate that you are worthless and unloveable as you are. That you must change / do better / measure up. And these lies quench life.
Again, this isn't limited to patriarchy or to women but it is so prevalent in this context. Within patriarchy, emotional-verbal abuse is especially convoluted because it's often mixed with spiritual abuse. "God isn't pleased with you!" "If you wanted to be a good Christian, you should ____." It's all about manipulation, coercion, dos and don'ts, and control. "How can you call yourself a Christian when you do that!" "Godly / biblical / feminine / Christian women don't ____." Sometimes there are messages of truth that we need to hear, but the Bible is clear that truth needs to be spoken in love for the edification of others. (Ephesians 4). And abuse of any kind is never okay in God's eyes.
Neglect of needs, desires, feelings
This is a very tender element of emotional abuse for all involved. I say all, because generally people are prone to withhold that which was withheld or absent, lacking, from their own lives. As I have often stated, most of our parents have tried to do the best they can. They do not intentionally seek to harm us. As adults, we are free before the Father to seek the truth of our pain and healing from abuse. He will show us the way, show us truth, and help us to heal, forgive, and show mercy to others.
Neglect is a serious issue. 1 Timothy 5:8 states, "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." In context, Paul talks about physical provision (which could be another article by itself) but I also believe that emotional, spiritual, and intellectual provision ~ all vital for life, growth, and godliness ~ also apply and are equally as valid. I have also written about needs and emotional abuse here.
Emotional neglect essentially belittles, overlooks, abandons, diminishes, and slays this aspect of our lives. Many austere families teach that all desires and / or feelings are bad. Or they attempt to tell you which feelings, desires, and emotions are okay. These beliefs are dangerous because they deny truth and without truth, we can't have lasting healing. Many feelings, in and of themselves, are neutral. How we respond and act upon those feelings determine whether we sin (hurt others with our anger, for example) or grow (seek to understand why we feel anger and learn truth). Temptations, in and of themselves, are not wrong (1 Cor. 10) but how we respond to them teach us where we need to grow, be strong, and seek the Lord for righteousness.
It is written that God is jealous. (Jealous: feeling, symptom) Why is He jealous? Because of His great love for us and His desire that we serve and worship Him alone. (Love: motivation, truth) Feelings are crucial to a healthy heart. Much like a thermometer reflects temperature, feelings help to reveal what is inside of you. If you were to brush aside the feeling itself, labeling it wicked and ungodly and then succumb to shameful thinking, you have not addressed the core issue but destroyed the very evidence that will clue you in to what's really going on inside.
Desires are similar; additionally, our desires can help show us God's will for our lives. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:27) When we learn that desires are only bad, we quench the Spirit through this imbalance and do not speak truth. This is where knowing what is in our hearts proves vital. Some desires are lustful. Some desires are self-serving. But not all of them are, and within extremely religious or fundamentalist families, we aren't taught about holy desires, God-given desires. We don't learn how to distinguish; rather, many of us grew up believing that wanting something indicates right there that it isn't godly. We equate desires and wanting with selfishness alone.
This neglect further embeds shame into our being and continues to separate us ~ not to God, as in sanctification and true unworldliness, but from God. Many times our wants are actually God-given choices, good gifts from Him that we can utilize and return to Him in service.
Truth
Being raised in an environment rife with shame, messages of criticism, emotional blackmail, lack of encouragement and support all systematically tear down the heart, soul, and spirit. Jesus, the emotional God-the-Son, came to heal the brokenhearted and set at liberty those who are oppressed. Your healing will depend on where you hide your heart. Who has it? If you've given it to anyone other than Christ, your way to freedom, life, and wholeness will be thwarted by our Jealous God who longs for you to find rest in Him.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
And those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
Verbal Assault / Criticism
It's no secret that words are among the most powerful forms of influence. Through words God created the world. Through words we have God's will, nature, and heart as revealed through Scripture. Jesus Himself is the Word made flesh which dwelt among us (John 1). A word fitly spoken has the power to heal, nurture, encourage, teach, exhort, and to bring life. (John 6:63, 68)
Alternatively, words can steal, kill and destroy. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." And when words come from a heart that seeks its own, that exalts itself, that is not surrendered in humility before God, these can crush the spirit and bring death. "Can you believe what he said to me?" "I never forgot what she told me." "How can you say such a thing?" Some of our best and worst memories involve words. Not only the phrases themselves, but tone, facial expressions, and poignant silence all effectively communicate a message.
Labeling is one common way the daughters of patriarchy are verbally manipulated. To hear, "You are rebellious, defensive, not thinking, leading your brothers and sisters astray, or _____" coerces change while not encouraging life or growth. Who wants to be considered rebellious? Stupid? Evil? Yet just as effective, what is left unsaid also bears consequences of its own. "We heard a lot about what we should and shouldn't do," says Catherine, "but never 'good job', 'I'm proud of you', or really even 'I love you.'" As women who crave life-giving validation, support, and nurture from parents, husbands, even friends, when words are wielded as weapons we experience deep, often life-lasting scars.
Criticism and verbal shaming ~ "If you were more obedient, respectful, serious, righteous, mature, godly, humble, patient, kind, etc" or, "If you were less sensitive, emotional, artistic, imaginative, impulsive, etc" ~ are frequent, familiar emotionally abusive tactics. While we can agree that as Scripture states, "There is none righteous, no not one," the focus is different. The kindness of the Lord leads us to repentance. Pointing out flaws, sharing disappointment that your daughter or wife is not all she "could" or "should" be, and other shaming ignores the crucial issues (relationship and personhood) and creates a screen through which all thoughts, feelings, and actions are filtered. It literally becomes you. This screen effectively shuts out truth ~ truth which is: God values you, loves you and sent His Son to redeem you. He has made you worthy. Shameful messages communicate that you are worthless and unloveable as you are. That you must change / do better / measure up. And these lies quench life.
Again, this isn't limited to patriarchy or to women but it is so prevalent in this context. Within patriarchy, emotional-verbal abuse is especially convoluted because it's often mixed with spiritual abuse. "God isn't pleased with you!" "If you wanted to be a good Christian, you should ____." It's all about manipulation, coercion, dos and don'ts, and control. "How can you call yourself a Christian when you do that!" "Godly / biblical / feminine / Christian women don't ____." Sometimes there are messages of truth that we need to hear, but the Bible is clear that truth needs to be spoken in love for the edification of others. (Ephesians 4). And abuse of any kind is never okay in God's eyes.
Neglect of needs, desires, feelings
This is a very tender element of emotional abuse for all involved. I say all, because generally people are prone to withhold that which was withheld or absent, lacking, from their own lives. As I have often stated, most of our parents have tried to do the best they can. They do not intentionally seek to harm us. As adults, we are free before the Father to seek the truth of our pain and healing from abuse. He will show us the way, show us truth, and help us to heal, forgive, and show mercy to others.
Neglect is a serious issue. 1 Timothy 5:8 states, "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." In context, Paul talks about physical provision (which could be another article by itself) but I also believe that emotional, spiritual, and intellectual provision ~ all vital for life, growth, and godliness ~ also apply and are equally as valid. I have also written about needs and emotional abuse here.
Emotional neglect essentially belittles, overlooks, abandons, diminishes, and slays this aspect of our lives. Many austere families teach that all desires and / or feelings are bad. Or they attempt to tell you which feelings, desires, and emotions are okay. These beliefs are dangerous because they deny truth and without truth, we can't have lasting healing. Many feelings, in and of themselves, are neutral. How we respond and act upon those feelings determine whether we sin (hurt others with our anger, for example) or grow (seek to understand why we feel anger and learn truth). Temptations, in and of themselves, are not wrong (1 Cor. 10) but how we respond to them teach us where we need to grow, be strong, and seek the Lord for righteousness.
It is written that God is jealous. (Jealous: feeling, symptom) Why is He jealous? Because of His great love for us and His desire that we serve and worship Him alone. (Love: motivation, truth) Feelings are crucial to a healthy heart. Much like a thermometer reflects temperature, feelings help to reveal what is inside of you. If you were to brush aside the feeling itself, labeling it wicked and ungodly and then succumb to shameful thinking, you have not addressed the core issue but destroyed the very evidence that will clue you in to what's really going on inside.
Desires are similar; additionally, our desires can help show us God's will for our lives. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:27) When we learn that desires are only bad, we quench the Spirit through this imbalance and do not speak truth. This is where knowing what is in our hearts proves vital. Some desires are lustful. Some desires are self-serving. But not all of them are, and within extremely religious or fundamentalist families, we aren't taught about holy desires, God-given desires. We don't learn how to distinguish; rather, many of us grew up believing that wanting something indicates right there that it isn't godly. We equate desires and wanting with selfishness alone.
Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness;
Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight! Isaiah 5:20, 21
Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight! Isaiah 5:20, 21
This neglect further embeds shame into our being and continues to separate us ~ not to God, as in sanctification and true unworldliness, but from God. Many times our wants are actually God-given choices, good gifts from Him that we can utilize and return to Him in service.
Truth
Being raised in an environment rife with shame, messages of criticism, emotional blackmail, lack of encouragement and support all systematically tear down the heart, soul, and spirit. Jesus, the emotional God-the-Son, came to heal the brokenhearted and set at liberty those who are oppressed. Your healing will depend on where you hide your heart. Who has it? If you've given it to anyone other than Christ, your way to freedom, life, and wholeness will be thwarted by our Jealous God who longs for you to find rest in Him.
This week marks the one-year anniversary of No Longer Quivering. In honor of its birthday, Vyckie has written a number of posts revealing the inspiration behind it ~ so if you've wondered, head over to check them out. And be sure to visit the Take Heart Project as well ~ a special program by No Longer Quivering designed to help those in need extract themselves from a spiritually abusive environment. 
o you feel buried under the trials and sufferings in life? 
ou shall know them by their fruits, says Jesus. And the life of
s women from deeply religious, conservative families, most of us can say without a doubt that our parents truly desired to live righteously and raise us in a godly manner. Drawing from biblical texts, through prayer and selective external influence, our parents did the best they could to ensure we would grow up to seek the Lord, to love Him, and to walk in obedience to His voice. To have a pure heart and to take a stand against worldliness, and be strong Christians. While exceptions may exist, I have not heard from one young woman who believes her parents intentionally, willfully tried to damage her.
am snuggly with my husband this Valentine's Day morning, warm coffee in hand and nibbling his special request: freshly baked Carrot muffins. My brain is mush this weekend. As I wrap up my book ~ for real! ~ doing some final tweaking in the next few days before I send it to my editor, I'm hit with an emotion I didn't expect . . . I'm almost sad! Not quite ~ but as I've spent the last year trying to turn pain into prose, wrap words around deep internal darkness, and listen to God's Spirit, Quivering Daughters is as much me as my very bones and skin.
orm Wakefield is an author and speaker with a tender heart for men and their families. In his article The Curse of the Standard Bearers: When Idolatry Masquerades as Love, he tells the story about a young man whose parents crossed a very serious boundary. 
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